Loving yourself means fully accepting yourself and maintaining a strong sense of self-worth even when you make a mistake, feel insecure, or receive criticism. By practicing self-compassion and changing the way you talk to yourself and treat yourself, it’s possible to learn to love yourself and to become happier and healthier along the way.
What Is Self-love?
Unlike narcissism, self-centeredness, or ego, self-love involves having a healthy relationship with yourself and embracing your full self, including your strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and challenges, successes and mistakes. Self-love involves a healthy and stable self-concept that is based on your own ideas, observations, and values rather than on others’ opinions and judgments.
Psychological research on self-compassion provides useful insights on how you can learn to love yourself, even when negative thoughts and difficult experiences try to get in the way.
These 15 strategies can help you develop self love:
1. Identify & Embrace Your Strengths
Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT explains, “We often are our own worst self-critic and so it’s very important that we make sure that we consider our personal strengths, abilities, skills, and positive qualities. If you find it hard to do this, it may help to take some time to write down your ideas, or even ask a loved one what they would say they like most about you to see if that helps get the ball rolling.”
Begin to nurture self-love by countering your inner critic and identifying your strengths, talents, and positive traits.4 By focusing on positive aspects of yourself instead of dwelling on what you perceive as faults, you’ll begin noticing that you have many positive qualities and strengths, and can begin to use these in your daily life. This will help you gain confidence in yourself and your abilities.
2. Work With a Therapist
Mental health professionals exist to help people work through all types of challenges, including low self-esteem, low self-worth, or a negative self-concept. Many people seek therapy to improve their confidence or self-worth, even when they don’t have a mental illness. Therapists have special training to help people overcome issues related to perfectionism, shame, and self-criticism, and also help people develop more self-compassion.
Find a therapist by asking trusted friends, colleagues, or family members for names and recommendations. You can also check with your doctor or visit local community centers or mental health organizations for lists of therapists in your area. Alternatively, you can use an online therapist directory, filtering your search to see those with specific specialties, or those in-network with your insurance. In working with a qualified therapist, you can explore difficulties that are keeping you from loving yourself and develop tools and strategies so you can begin to love yourself unconditionally.
3. Develop a Mindfulness Practice
Mindfulness is a meditation practice that involves training your mind to be more present, aware, and engaged in the here-and-now, rather than distracted or wrapped up in thoughts. Negative self-thoughts are a stimulus that keeps people stuck in a cycle of reacting and self-criticizing. Meditation helps people create space and distance from those thoughts, allowing them to separate from them and choose different responses.
Some of the mindfulness practices that can help improve self-love include:3,5,8
- Loving-kindness meditation: Renowned meditation teacher, lovingkindness expert, and author Sharon Salzberg recommends lovingkindness meditation as a way to help the mind shift from negative, self-critical thoughts to self-love. In a lovingkindness meditation, you repeat positive intentions and desires for yourself
- RAIN: The concept RAIN was originally created by Buddhist teacher Michele McDonald and then adapted and developed by psychologist and author Tara Brach. This technique uses mindfulness to 1. Recognize thoughts and feelings, 2. Accept them, 3. Investigate them with curiosity, and 4. Nurture them.
- Sitting meditation: The key to formal meditation is to sit, lie, or move intentionally and focus your attention on one thing, such as a word, a series of phrases (like the lovingkindness meditation), your breath, an object, or a sound, for example.
- Grounding: Grounding is a mindfulness practice that teaches people to become more aware of the present by focusing on one or more of the 5 senses. By noticing things you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, you can pull attention away from the voice of your inner critic.
4. Keep Comparisons in Check
Comparing yourself to others is a normal but dangerous habit that can undermine self-love.1 Everywhere you go, you see and evaluate others in ways that can make you feel “less than,” sparking your inner critic to point out your shortcomings or flaws. You might find yourself making comparisons when you’re on social media, watching TV, or just caught up in your thoughts.
Because comparison is a built-in part of human behavior (it’s one way you learn about who you are and where you fit), you won’t stop it altogether. You can, though, come to do it less as well as minimize its negative impact with these tips:1
- Self-monitor: Increase your awareness of this tendency and catch yourself when you are negatively comparing yourself to someone else
- Redirect: Once you catch yourself in a negative self-comparison, redirect your thoughts to something else (mindfulness comes in handy here)
- Reverse: Most of the time, you are comparing yourself to someone in a way that emphasizes what you feel you lack. Looking for things to be grateful for can help you reverse this and find ways to appreciate what you have.
- Zoom out: Understand yourself in context by zooming out of the situation to consider yourself, your feelings, motivations, and needs and consider how these factor into your choices and actions.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Says Jennifer Shapiro-Lee, MSW, LCSW-R, “A big part of self love is understanding our boundaries, and learning when to say yes and when to say no. I tell clients when someone asks you to do something, you can categorize it into one of three options: ‘I have to do this,’ ‘I should do this,’ and ‘I don’t want to do this.’ This way, you can see what you really want and how to spend your valuable time while taking care of your own needs and well-being.”
“Boundaries sometimes get a bad rap, so it’s important to spell out what boundaries actually are. Boundaries (physical, emotional, time, energy, financial, etc.) are ways we communicate with others about what we are willing and able to do or give, and what we are not willing and able to do or give. Dr. Brené Brown often says that boundaried people are compassionate people,” states Dr. Supriya Blair.
6. Set Small, Tangible Goals & Follow Through
According to Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, “Following through on goals and intentions is very helpful in building self-worth. When we make promises and do not keep them we are learning to distrust ourselves. If we distrust ourselves we often do not feel safe and build resentment. When we do follow through on promises we feel proud and fulfilled which boosts our mood and makes us feel like we are reliable to meet our needs. Make these goals small and tangible to ensure you follow through.”
7. Write Down Your Accomplishments & What You’re Proud Of
“Make a list each night of your progress and accomplishments. We are wired to focus on negatives and what we did not do ‘right.’ This exacerbates negative self-talk and can lead to feeling hopeless. When we train our brain to focus on small bits of follow through, and change we are building and strengthening neurotransmitter connections that can make us hopeful. Some examples of this could be not reacting in anger to someone, keeping boundaries with turning off work emails at a certain time, taking a walk, or disconnecting from social media earlier than usual,” encourages Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC
April Brown, LMFT, suggests, “write down a list of things you value and appreciate about yourself and focus on non-physical attributes. Think about the person you have the closest relationship with in your family, imagine asking them what they value about you.”
8. Let Go of Shame & Be Your Authentic Self
Dian Grier, LCSW, reminds us that, “Part of self-love is to let go of shame and learn to live authentically. When we hide parts of ourselves, believing we have to keep secrets and hide feelings of shame, it makes self-love extremely difficult. Bringing these feelings of shame to the light and sharing all parts of ourselves with those we trust, can allow us to free ourselves and feel more compassion for ourselves and others. As we bring light to these dark places, we free ourselves to love ourselves, just as we are. We start to interact in more authentic ways, which begins the amazing process of learning self-love.”
Being authentic means lessening the filter that restricts the things you say and do, sharing more of yourself, your feelings, and your experiences with others. Lessening the filter by being more honest and open about how you feel, what you believe, and who you are can be freeing. It can also deepen and improve your relationships with others, as well as yourself.
9. Love Yourself Unconditionally – No Strings Attached
Many people have certain “conditions” they place on their self-worth, and these determine whether they love and accept themselves, which can change from situation to situation. Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LPCS, LCAS, CCS explains:
“These fluctuations in self-love can often be explained by external circumstances – we feel good about ourselves when we meet a goal or receive praise and bad about ourselves when we make a mistake, feel insecure, or let someone down. The secret to becoming free from these ups and downs is to stop letting our self-worth be contingent upon ANYTHING, including what happens to us, who likes us, what we have or don’t, or even the choices we make.”
Like you already do with someone you love unconditionally (i.e. a child, partner, etc.), learn to soften your words, be kind, forgive yourself, and let things go, even when you make a mistake or expose a flaw. These situations provide an opportunity to put self-love to the ultimate test and also to remove any conditions or limitations restricting it.
10. Practice Daily Affirmations
Says Kelly O’Sullivan, LCSW, “One of my favorite tips to start building more self love and confidence is doing daily affirmations. Try writing out three affirmations starting with I am, I can, and I will. Place the affirmations somewhere you will see them throughout the day—like your laptop, water bottle, or bathroom mirror.”
11. Carve Out Time for the Things That Feed Your Soul
The practice of self-love involves making time to do things that make you feel fulfilled, nourished, and restored. Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C points out that “self love is like watering our souls with the nutrition we need to grow and sustain ourselves. Just like we water our plants and flowers so they don’t die, we must pour all that nurturing into our own selves to ensure we don’t wither away.” Ashley Kirkpatrick, MS, NCC, LPC reiterates this when she states, “It is imperative to ensure we are taking time for ourselves and engage in these strategies with intention as a way to feed our mind, body and soul.”
Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT adds, “We need to take time to do things that make us feel good, relaxed, comfortable, and happy. This could include engaging in a favourite activity or hobby, connecting with the people you care about, practicing meditation or yoga, and giving yourself permission to take time for yourself.” Making this time for yourself is a way for you to prioritize your emotional needs and demonstrate self-love.
12. Learn & Practice What Works for You
Like so many skills, self-love is a process that involves learning more about who you are explains Ashley Stuck, LCSW. She reminds us that, “It is difficult to love yourself because you were never taught how to in a healthy way, and ‘you don’t know what you don’t know.’ We are not born with the innate ability walk or talk, we have to learn those skills through practice and guidance. Self love is no different. It takes practice, understanding and guidance. It will take time and practice to unlearn criticism and self loathing and relearn self-love. It can be difficult, yet it will be worth it.”
13. Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes
According to Gina Marie Guarino, LMHC, “One way you can promote self-love is by forgiving yourself for mistakes you have made in your past. Remembering that you are not perfect because nobody is perfect, and that mistakes are made by everyone can help you let go of the grief you are holding.”
“Explore what stories you’ve been told about yourself and see whether these stories are true or false. Are you holding onto a negative story about yourself that’s getting in the way of self-acceptance and love? When you let go of past narratives, you become more free to truly define yourself. Uncovering these stories can help you to see yourself more clearly, increase self-compassion, and re-author your own story,” suggests Hillary Thomas, LCSW.
14. Interrupt Your Negative Thoughts
Your inner dialogue forms the basis for your relationship with yourself. Like many people, you may have a very loud inner critic that constantly undermines and questions your decisions and points out your flaws and mistakes. While well-intentioned, this “inner critic” can poison your relationship with yourself and has a “significant impact on your ability to love yourself,” according to Courtney Kirkpatrick, MS, NCC, LPC.
Don’t repeat self-critical or negative thoughts. Instead, interrupt your critic when you catch it in the act. Pull your attention away from your self-critical thoughts and redirect it to a different, kinder, and more helpful perspective. If you can’t find one in moments when your critic is especially loud or insistent, try to get out of your head altogether. Bring your full attention and awareness to some aspect of your present experience—where you are, what you are doing or seeing, or what sensations you notice in your body.
15. Challenge Your Critical Beliefs
According to Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, “After becoming more aware of our self-critical thoughts, the next step is to begin challenging and changing them” When a negative thought arises, here are some questions you can ask yourself to begin changing your self-critical thoughts to become more positive thoughts:
- Is this really true?
- Could this be an opinion rather than fact?
- What evidence do I have that this is not true?
- What would someone else say about this situation?
- What would I say to someone else in this situation?
“These questions can help you challenge your negative thoughts and develop kinder, more gentle thoughts about yourself,” says Panganiban.
For more, check out our list of top books on self-love.
Why Is Loving Yourself Important?
Self-love and a positive self-concept is foundational to your mental health and well-being. When you rely on others to shape how you feel about yourself or base your self-concept on outside praise or criticism, you become more vulnerable to many different physical and mental health problems.1,9
When someone lacks a good sense of self-love, they risk:2,9
- Increased risk for mental health problems including anxiety, depression and eating disorders
- Persistent self-doubt
- Excessive self-criticism and rumination on negative thoughts
- Shame or feelings of inadequacy
- Negative forms of perfectionism
- Physical and mental health conditions
- Decreased performance and increased fears of failure
- Lower levels of motivation
- Low self-esteem and impaired ability to savor accomplishments
- Decreased quality of life and lower life satisfaction
- Poorer relationships with other people
- Increased levels of stress
- Frequent negative comparison of self to others
According to research on self-compassion, people who love and accept themselves benefit in many ways, including:3,9
- Decreased levels of anxiety and depression
- Decreased risk of substance use
- Improved physical health and fewer instances of illness and infection
- Improved rates of success and goal achievement
- Lower fears of failure
- More stable self-worth
- Improved motivation even in the face of challenges
- Improved relationships with others
- Adoption of healthier lifestyle choices (i.e. exercise, diet, etc.)
- Feelings of optimism and a more positive outlook on self, life and future
- Freedom from unhealthy dependencies on others for approval and validation
- The ability to set healthy boundaries
- Improved confidence and self-efficacy (confidence in one’s own ability to meet goals and succeed at a task)
- Improved resilience to overcome obstacles, challenges, and stressful situations
According to Lydia Antonatos, LMHC, “Self-love is one of the most essential aspects for experiencing a fulfilling life. When we love ourselves unconditionally, we tend to have a positive sense of being, lead purposeful lives and have meaningful relationships. It opens the pathway for living a more joyous existence, having compassion for ourselves and others, tapping into our fullest potential and appreciating even the tiniest things in life. Self-love is the key to fill the void and emptiness so many of us can struggle with.”
Why Is It So Hard to Love Yourself?
It’s normal and very human to struggle with self-compassion and self-love. In fact, the human mind has a negativity bias, placing an emphasis on thoughts, feelings, ideas and experiences that are more negative rather than their more positive counterparts.
This bias also affects thoughts, feelings, and ideas about yourself, which helps to explain why so many people are self-critical and often feel deficient, unworthy, and insecure.4 This can also manifest as shame, perfectionism and the impostor syndrome which affects about 70% of all people at some point in their lives.2
Antonatos explains that “sometimes, we are challenged by self-doubt, poor self-image, feeling worthless, being too self-critical, feeling unaccomplished or associating self-love with selfishness and/or arrogance.” These views of self-love as selfish or narcissistic may also influence people to develop a more negative view of themselves.
While it is hard to love yourself, self-love isn’t an all-or-nothing state, reserved only for the most self-confident among us. Instead, it is a process of becoming less self-critical and more self-compassionate which can be accomplished using skills everyone can learn and practice.
Final Thoughts on Learning to Love Yourself
Self-love is vital to all aspects of your mental health and wellbeing. While difficult, genuinely loving yourself, especially when it’s hard, will improve your life, your work, and your relationships with others. Using the tips listed above, you can begin to be more kind, compassionate, and loving towards yourself. Be gentle and patient with yourself through this process, as it takes time to change self-critical habits.
Additional Resources
- Best Books on Confidence
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
