When to Tell a Child They Are Adopted

Why Is Telling Your Child They’re Adopted Important?

Everyone deserves to understand where they came from. Adopted children are no different. Understanding their birth origins and adoption story is necessary for children to develop a sense of self.^2,3 Failing to acknowledge a child’s adoption can interfere with their identity formation as they get older.

Telling your child they’re adopted is important because:

• Children have a right to know about their adoption: All children deserve to know their origin stories and adopted children are no different. Keeping this from them robs them of important information about themselves.
• Children need to feel that they can trust you: Children who are not informed about their adoption history may have suspicions as they get older, especially if they don’t physically resemble their adopted parents. If children accidentally learn about their adoption, they may have a hard time trusting you, and even develop adoption trauma.
• It helps them form their identity: Understanding how one came to be is important for developing one’s identity. Talking to your children about adoption helps them develop a self-concept.
• Children benefit from processing their reactions: Your child may experience a range of feelings about this information. Having a chance to express these feelings and receive empathy and support is important for coping and acceptance.
• It helps them understand their genetic and health history: Understanding one’s genetic and family health history is important for disease prevention and management.

When Is the Best Time to Tell a Child They Were Adopted?

There is no perfect age to tell your child that they were adopted, but most experts agree that starting around four to five years old is best,^3,4 Around this age children begin to understand the concept of time, so you can explain adoption as an event that occurred in the past. They may not fully grasp the concept of adoption at this age, but starting the conversation young sets the stage for open communication on this topic as they get older. It also helps parents grow more comfortable talking about adoption.

Parents can first start talking about adoption with their preschool-aged children and then continue these discussions as children get older. Children’s reactions to their adoption can evolve as they develop, so it’s important to maintain an open dialogue on the topic.³

When it comes to the details of your child’s adoption, you can share more information over time, such as how old the child was when they arrived, if they spent time in foster care, and information on their biological parents. Teens may have more specific questions about their past and may even search for information on their birth parents. This is all normal and should not be perceived as threatening, unless you think your child’s safety may be at risk.

How to Tell Your Child They Were Adopted: 13 Tips

Telling your children that they were adopted can be scary, but openly talking about adoption is related to better outcomes for children and parents.^2,5 While there is no “right” way to approach this conversation, there are steps that you can take to explain adoption to your child and help them cope with this news.

Here are 13 tips for telling your child they’re adopted:^1,2

1. Be the One to Tell Them

As the adopted parents, you should be the ones to tell your children that they are adopted. Waiting too long to have this conversation could possibly lead to children accidentally finding out. Ideally it is best to avoid sharing your children’s adopted status with other young family members or friends who might share this information before you’re ready.

2. Have Ongoing Conversations

It is best to approach talking to kids about adoption as an ongoing conversation, rather than a one-time event. Children need time to process this information and will have new questions and feelings at different points in time.

3. Use Age-Appropriate Language

The way you talk to your children about adoption will change as they get older. For young kids, use simple language to explain what adoption is and why they were adopted. For example, “there are many ways to build a family and adoption is one of them. Sometimes people have babies and can’t take care of them. We really wanted a baby to take care of, so we found you.”

As children get older, you can share more details with them. Always aim to remain calm and confident, which conveys that adoption is normal and encourages them to share their feelings with you.

4. Give Them Your Full Attention

Be sure to be completely focused on your children when talking to them about their adoption. Avoid any possible distractions, like a television or phone.

5. Validate Their Feelings

Children may react to learning of their adoption in many different ways, including shock, anger, and anxiety. When children express their feelings, it is best to validate them. A simple statement like “This is a lot for you to take in right now” or “You sound like you’re feeling really upset” conveys empathy. Avoid dismissing a child’s emotions with statements like “Don’t cry” or “There’s no reason to be sad.”

6. Normalize Adoption

Learning of their adoption may cause children to feel different than their peers. It can be helpful to normalize adoption by explaining that adoption has been around for a very long time. Many children are adopted each year and find their way to loving homes. Adoption is just one way that families are created.

7. Use Positive Adoption Language

When talking about adoption, be sure to use positive language. Avoid statements like “put up” or “given up” for adoption and instead say “choose adoption.” Instead of using the term “real parent,” say “birth parent.” Also, make an effort to use past tense by saying “was adopted,” rather than “is adopted,” since this conveys that adoption was an event that occurred in the past rather than who the child is.

8. Explain That Adoption is Forever

Young children may experience anxiety about their adoption and fear that it can be reversed. Explain that adoption is permanent and that they cannot be “un-adopted” as a punishment. Children can benefit from reassurance that they will always have their family and nothing can change that.

9. Offer Age-Appropriate Books, Shows, or Toys to Help Them Understand

Children may benefit from reading books or watching shows on adoption. There are many books available for toddlers, children, and teens to help parents explain adoption. When it comes to young children, connecting through play is important. They may want to act out adoption with their dolls or other toys. This can be a creative way for them to process this news.

10. Emphasize Your Love & Support for Them

It goes without saying that expressing your love and support for your children is very important when talking to them about adoption. In addition to verbalizing your love and support, be sure to convey it in other non-verbal ways too. For example, you can also show love by being physically affectionate and spending quality time with them.

11. Explain Why You Chose to Adopt Them

As children get older, they may be curious about why you chose to adopt them. Over time you might share what your adoption process was like and how you came to decide to adopt. Many children like to hear how much effort it took their parents to adopt, which reinforces how loved and valued they are in the family.

12. Create a Lifebook With Them

A Lifebook is a tool that allows adopted families to scrapbook a child’s journey. It’s similar to a baby book that families create shortly after a child is born. In a lifebook, children can track their placement histories and journal their thoughts and feelings. Being able to share and preserve their story can be positive for children and help them understand and cope with their adoption. You can design your own lifebook or use a template.

13. Encourage Them to Share Their Thoughts, Feelings, & Ask Questions

Children will have reactions and questions and it is important to encourage them to share them with you. Some kids may be reluctant to express their feelings out of fear that they might upset you. If they seem reluctant, explain that you are here to support them and talk about anything they are thinking or feeling. Remember that adoption should be an ongoing discussion, so children should be invited to share their feelings or ask questions at any point in time.

Reactions to Expect

Children may react with a range of emotions when learning that they are adopted. Some children may feel positively and focus on how much their adopted parents wanted them, while others may struggle more with feelings of rejection and abandonment from their biological parents. These feelings may also wax and wane in different ways as the child goes through life events and stages. As a parent, it can be hard for you to hear your child struggle with these feelings. However, it is important for them to express and understand them in order to accept and cope with this news.

The following are common reactions a child might have after learning they’re adopted:²

• Shock: At first children may be surprised by this news and react with shock and disbelief. Children are likely to have many questions, so be prepared to answer them honestly.
• Confusion: Along with shock, children may feel confused. Depending on their age, they may need more information about adoption. Using books or shows aimed at educating children can be helpful.
• Sadness: Adoption is a form of loss for children, so sadness is common. Even if they don’t experience it right away, it may come up in the future. Children benefit from support and empathy when they are experiencing sadness.
• Anxiety: Worry is common after learning about adoption. Children may feel anxious about many different things. Try to help them understand their anxiety, explain that what they’re feeling is normal, and help them find positive outlets for it.
• Anger: Some children experience anger, which may be directed at their biological or adopted parents. This can be one of the hardest emotions for parents to navigate. Helping children understand and work through their anger is an important milestone in coping with adoption.
• Rejection: Children may feel rejected by their biological parents and even blame themselves. Over time you will want to help them understand that there was nothing wrong with them to cause them to be adopted and to understand how valuable they are to the adopted family.

How Therapy Can Help

Telling your children about adoption and navigating their reactions can bring up a lot of feelings for parents. Therapy can help you prepare for this conversation and work through any challenges that might come up. You can consider finding a therapist who specializes in working with adopted families on an online therapist directory.

Parent coaching is when parents meet with a trained coach who teaches parents ways to prepare for or handle specific family problems. If you’re unsure about how to tell your kids about their adoption, you might consider meeting with a parent coach to develop a plan. They can help you practice talking to your children and prepare for questions. If your family is having a hard time working through this news, then family therapy may be helpful. There are several different types of family therapy. Some family therapy approaches focus on understanding relationship dynamics, while others place a greater emphasis on teaching communication and conflict resolution skills.

Final Thoughts

Telling your child that they were adopted is a challenging milestone that all adopted families face. Even though it is difficult, being open with your child is important and helps them develop their sense of self. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to move forward, don’t hesitate to seek more resources or the help of a trained therapist.