Second-Hand Embarrassment: What It Is & How to Stop It

What Is Second-Hand Embarrassment?

Second-hand embarrassment, also called vicarious embarrassment, empathic embarrassment, or third-party embarrassment, is when you feel embarrassed for another person, whether or not you actually know them. German has a single word for it, fremdscham, and many people simply call the feeling “cringe.” Feeling embarrassed for someone else can happen while watching a movie, seeing strangers interact, or witnessing a friend make a silly mistake. In some cases, second-hand embarrassment can be a form or symptom of social anxiety disorder.

After experiencing second-hand embarrassment, a person may actively avoid the person who made a mistake or movie that made them cringe. For example, they may leave the room during an awkward scene on TV, apologize for another person’s mishap, or look down at their phone during an uncomfortable conversation.

Some common symptoms of second-hand embarrassment include:

• Sweaty palms
• Blushing
• Feel hot
• Get goosebumps
• Feeling ashamed
• Feeling like you want to “fix it” for the other person

Examples of Second-Hand Embarrassment

Many scenarios can lead to second-hand embarrassment, but the sensation often occurs in public or group settings. You may be embarrassed for someone else even if they are unaware of their awkward mishap or mistake.¹

Below are some common scenarios that can cause second-hand embarrassment:

• Someone accidentally burps or releases gas loudly in public
• Someone comes out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe
• A person forgets they’re on camera for a work meeting and does something embarrassing
• A stranger walks into a glass door, thinking it was an open doorway
• Someone accidentally swears or says something inappropriate in a work meeting
• A friend rips their clothing and exposes part of their body unknowingly
• Someone trips and falls when crossing the street
• A coworker is obviously lying during a meeting
• Overhearing gossip about another person who then walks into the room
• Walking in on someone using the restroom or changing clothes
• A speaker’s pants zipper fly is down during a presentation
• A friend’s mobile phone goes off loudly during a movie

What Causes Second-Hand Embarrassment?

Second-hand embarrassment is driven by empathy. Your brain simulates what the other person is going through, and you may reflect on how you would feel in the same situation. Brain-imaging research shows that witnessing someone’s embarrassment activates the same regions, the anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula, that respond to physical pain.²

Why Is Second-Hand Embarrassment Worse for People You Know?

Second-hand embarrassment tends to feel more intense when the person stumbling is a friend or family member rather than a stranger. Your brain treats a close person’s misstep as more self-relevant, so it reacts more strongly. This is why you may barely notice a stranger tripping on the street but cringe deeply when your best friend flubs a toast.

Researchers Laura Muller-Pinzler, Frieder Paulus, and Soren Krach demonstrated this in a 2016 brain-imaging study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.⁵ When people watched someone they felt close to face an embarrassing situation, the anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula, the same regions tied to feeling physical pain, lit up more than when the person was a stranger. The precuneus, a region linked to thinking about yourself, also became more active and connected more strongly with emotion-processing areas of the brain.

The takeaway is that social closeness amplifies vicarious embarrassment because you partly experience a loved one’s slip as your own. This is not a flaw. It reflects how much you identify with the people you care about. Knowing this can make the feeling easier to name in the moment: the discomfort is a sign of connection, not a signal that anything is wrong with you or them.

How Do You Stop Second-Hand Embarrassment?

You may experience stress or anxiety when dealing with second-hand embarrassment. These are normal reactions, but being realistic about the situation can help decrease or even stop vicarious embarrassment.

Here are six tips for how to stop second-hand embarrassment:

1. Embrace Your Ability to Have Empathy

You are not necessarily an empath because you experience second-hand embarrassment. However, particularly empathetic people are more likely to feel vicarious embarrassment.¹ If you wonder why you feel embarrassed for someone else, consider the possibility of being an empath. This personality trait is positive because it shows the utmost compassion and respect for others.

2. Assess & Respond

Take a moment to assess the situation and respond appropriately. You may want to laugh loudly or cry due to associated uncomfortable feelings. Taking a second to breathe and think about your reaction can help you avoid contributing to the other person’s embarrassment and doing or saying something you may regret.

3. Use Thought Stopping Techniques

You may experience second-hand embarrassment for a friend or loved one due to concerns about your own social image.³ When this happens, use thought stopping techniques to combat any shame or negative thoughts. Say to yourself, “This doesn’t reflect badly on me,” or “Everyone slips up sometimes.”

4. Reduce Urges to Fix the Situation

Research shows that social groups often attempt to control or reduce a member’s embarrassing behavior to decrease damage to their integrity or reputation.⁴ Wanting to jump in and fix the awkward situation is normal, but avoid taking responsibility. It is okay to help, like handing the person a tissue to wipe a stain or helping them stand up after a fall, but do not feel obligated to perform damage control.

5. Be Realistic

Ultimately, everyone has embarrassing moments that are typically short-lived. You and your coworkers will likely forget your boss’ tumble in the hallway after a few hours or days. More often than not, you’ll see them slip up again, and this is okay (and a part of being human)!

6. Be Mindful of Judgments

Be mindful of negative thoughts or facial expressions when you witness something embarrassing. For example, avoid showing signs of second-hand embarrassment if a coworker or classmate asks an awkward question. Instead of saying, “Wow, that was a silly thing to say,” try saying, “Hmm, I never thought about it that way.”

Could Second-Hand Embarrassment Be Anxiety?

Second-hand embarrassment can be a sign of social anxiety when it feels extreme. If you feel intensely uncomfortable, sweaty, or panicked when witnessing someone else’s mistake, it may point to an anxiety disorder.

Other than feeling extreme second-hand embarrassment, common signs of a social anxiety disorder include:

• Relationship problems due to anxiety
• Sleep issues
• Trouble concentrating
• Appetite changes
• Physical sensations, such as a racing heart or sweating
• Experiencing panic attacks
• Avoiding social situations due to anxiety symptoms
• Frequent unexplainable aches or pains

When Should You See a Therapist About Second-Hand Embarrassment?

Consider professional support when second-hand embarrassment routinely interferes with your work, relationships, or social life. Treating an underlying anxiety disorder can reduce both anxiety symptoms and the intensity of vicarious embarrassment.

Many options for anxiety therapy are available, ranging from individual counseling to group therapy and support groups, and some people may also benefit from anxiety medications. An online therapist directory can help you find a therapist specializing in anxiety.