Verbal Abuse: Definition, Signs, Examples, & What to Do

What Is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse in which someone uses their words to hurt or control another person. This can occur outside of a romantic or familial relationship through friends, coworkers, and employers. Although different forms of abuse (physical, psychological, or sexual) frequently go hand-in-hand, verbal abuse can exist on its own. Nevertheless, the impact of verbal abuse can be devastating and traumatic.

Verbal Abuse Vs. Typical Conflict

Not all verbal conflicts can be considered verbally abusive. There is a big difference between verbal abuse and typical relational conflict. With any relationship, interpersonal conflict is inevitable. In a healthy argument between two people, conflict is often handled without name calling and insults. Utilizing fair fighting rules is a good example of healthy conflict resolution.

Examples of a respectful argument include:

• Each person has a chance to talk
• The issue is addressed directly, not passive-aggressively
• Each person’s opinion or perspective is valued and respected
• Name-calling is absent
• There is a mutual willingness to compromise
• There is a shared responsibility for the situation
• There is no resentment after the argument ends

Signs of Verbal Abuse

There are clear signs a person can look out for if they feel they or a loved one are being verbally abused. A harsh or loud tone and intimidating body language are recognizable indicators. However, verbal abuse can also be disguised with a soft voice or kind tone.

Common signs of verbal abuse include:

• Frequent insults
• Name-calling
• Purposeful berating
• Overreacting to small issues to induce shame
• Blaming
• Stonewalling
• Attempts to embarrass you
• Attempts to intimidate or scare you

Examples of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can take on many different forms. Depending on the environment in which a person was raised and how they were treated by caregivers, verbal abuse may be viewed as typical communication methods. However, just because someone grew up with this behavior being normalized, this does not make it acceptable.

Below are common examples of verbal abuse:

Name-Calling

While expected on the playground in elementary school, name-calling is generally understood to be unacceptable. Adults should never resort to name-calling during an argument or disagreement with another person. Being called stupid, ugly, or any slur towards your gender, race, or sexuality are all examples of verbal abuse and should not be tolerated.

Guilt Trips

A guilt trip occurs when someone tries to change another person’s thoughts or feelings by insinuating guilt. This is a common tactic used by verbal abusers to deflect from their own actions and manipulate the emotions of their target. For example, they might say, “It’s okay, I know you’re too busy, I’ll just go alone,” or “I was hoping you could organize the party–nobody does it as well as you do.” Not all guilt trips are done maliciously, but if they become a pattern, they could constitute verbal abuse.

Gaslighting

We will not always agree with another person’s experience. But, purposefully trying to confuse them by denying their reality is abusive. For example, saying, “That never happened, you’re going crazy,” is an example of gaslighting and is done to purposefully create a sense of imbalance and self-doubt in an individual.

Criticism

Criticism is when someone expresses disapproval or judgment based on another person’s mistakes or faults. Criticism in relationships can lead to resentment and other negative effects, especially if it is frequent and perceived to be intentional.

The effects of criticism are largely dependent on the recipient’s assumption over whether or not the statement is meant to be hurtful.². For instance, telling a partner that a lack of household funds is their fault because they don’t work enough implies blame, and thus is considered criticism.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling refers to when a person refuses to respond to another, either by not speaking or refusing to cooperate. This behavior can be detrimental to a relationship because it is dismissive and sends the message that the person’s feelings and needs do not matter. In some instances, particularly if stonewalling is habitual or frequent, it can be emotionally abusive.

Stonewalling is exhibited through body language–such as turning one’s back or walking away–or remaining silent when asked questions. It can also be exhibited by verbally dismissing someone’s attempts to communicate or reach out. Examples of this include statements such as, “I’m not discussing this,” “Just forget about it,” or “Let’s change the subject.”

Threats

Threats can occur directly or indirectly. One common method includes someone making a statement of an intention to harm another person physically. A person could also threaten to self-harm or commit suicide to get what they want from someone else.

Threats can also be used to embarrass or enact revenge on a person, such as by saying, “If you leave, I will tell your friends about your mother’s mental illness.” A partner may warn to leave a relationship as punishment, or remove or restrict financial funds and other resources.

Blaming

A verbal abuser may use blaming as a way to remove personal responsibility from their actions and reassign it to another. A clear example of this includes a partner being made to feel at fault for everything going wrong in their relationship. This is both unfair and unrealistic. If someone is unable to accept their contribution to an issue, it is difficult to resolve a conflict. None of us are exempt from making mistakes–intentionally making someone the scapegoat when things go wrong is abusive.

Manipulation

There are many ways that manipulation can be used as verbal abuse. A person may use various manipulation tactics to get what they want from another person. Withholding information, using sex or money as a weapon, or threatening blackmail are all forms of manipulation.

Humiliation

When someone is laughed at or embarrassed purposefully, this is abusive and should never be excused. Making fun of someone or using their limitations to elicit snickering from others leads to humiliation, and can be used as verbal abuse.

Spreading Lies

Spreading lies to embarrass or discredit another person is manipulative and verbally abusive. Creating misinformation about a person’s life, criminal activity, or reputation is not acceptable. False accusations can not only be offensive, but can cause long-lasting damage.

Minimizing Someone’s Experiences or Feelings

We will not always agree with another person’s perspective or feelings. However, purposefully minimizing their beliefs in an attempt to hurt them is abusive. Dismissing their intelligence, their personal experiences, or ideas is harmful.

Screaming

Raising one’s voice in an argument creates discomfort and is often used to intimidate. While tension between individuals may unintentionally result in heightened tones, if this behavior becomes a habit, it may be a form of verbal abuse.

Where Can Verbal Abuse Occur?

Verbal abuse can occur at any time and for anyone, including from friends, family members, coworkers, or partners. However, some of the behaviors might be different in familiar or romantic relationships. For instance, close-knit partnerships entail frequent interaction, and therefore more access to intimate and personal knowledge that can be used in manipulation efforts.

Verbal abuse can occur in any relationship, including:

Romantic Relationships

Using manipulation to meet one’s needs, using gaslighting to deny a partner’s reality, or blaming a partner for relationship challenges are all common forms of verbal abuse. In some instances, verbal abuse can be an element of psychological abuse, or even narcissistic abuse, and can lead to a cycle of abuse that is hard to end. Experiencing this from a controlling husband or wife can exacerbate feelings of isolation and low self-worth, making it even more challenging to seek help.

Familial Relationships

In families, verbal abuse can take place between any member of the family. However, it is usually something that is taught by the caregivers. While young siblings occasionally engaging in name-calling or a blame-game may be age-appropriate, it is still important to teach them that this is unhealthy behavior.

Parents can use forms of verbal abuse as punishment towards children, such as blaming them for the struggles in the family, criticizing them for their behaviors, or gaslighting their experiences. Some caregivers might be more abusive towards one child in particular, while others might be verbally abusive towards all children or members of the family.

Friendships

Verbal abuse can take place in friendships, too. If you ever find yourself feeling uncomfortable or distressed, you may be in an abusive friendship. A toxic friend might have behaviors similar to those of a toxic partner, such as using manipulation and abusive tactics.

Professional Relationships

Many people may have experiences with verbally abusive coworkers or supervisors at work. For example, this might look like a coworker blaming someone else for projects being turned in late or making fun of them to other coworkers. A supervisor who gaslights or criticizes an employee are clear signs of an abusive boss.

Strangers

Sometimes people are verbally abused by someone who they do not know personally or professionally. An example of this may be someone who starts an argument at a bar by name-calling or throwing racial slurs at another person. Or, different sides of a political debate engaging in verbally abusive behaviors towards one other.

Effects of Verbal Abuse

Whatever the nature of a relationship, verbal abuse is never okay. This experience can greatly impact a person in both the short- and long-term. Left without support, many people who experience verbally abusive relationships for an extended period of time go on to develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorders.³

Negative impacts of verbal abuse may include:

• Shame: Because of the pain associated with verbal abuse, many people struggle with feelings of shame and embarrassment.
• Low self-esteem: When someone continually feels bad about themselves and their abilities, it can lead to low self-esteem. This is especially common in people who are exposed to persistent verbal abuse, such as from their family of origin.
• Depression and anxiety: Verbal abuse affects certain areas of the brain that may contribute to the development of depression and anxiety disorders.¹
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): In extreme cases, verbal abuse can lead to symptoms of PTSD or even Complex PTSD.
• Trust issues: When someone who claims to love and support you purposely hurts you, it can be difficult to trust others again.
• Dissociation: Dissociation occurs when one’s mind feels disconnected from their thoughts and experiences, and is a common experience for survivors of abuse.¹

What to Do About Verbal Abuse

Before addressing verbal abuse in a relationship, the first thing you should do is assess the safety of the situation and establish boundaries to protect yourself. Someone who is dependent on another person for financial support or shelter will likely not have the same feelings or solutions as a person who is being exposed to verbal abuse by a friend or professional acquaintance. Therefore, it’s important to take your individual circumstances into account when determining the best course of action moving forward.

Below are seven tips for dealing with verbal abuse

1. Set Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is essential when dealing with verbal abuse. While these will look different depending on the relationship, there are some standard steps you can take if you are unsure of where to start.

Examples of healthy boundaries in a relationship include:

• Not raising one’s voice during an argument or the discussion will end
• No name-calling or continuation of the relationship will be reconsidered
• Not discussing important topics if either person is frustrated

2. Have a Discussion About the Situation

We are all capable of unhealthy behavior to some degree. For example, a person may blame their partner for not having enough money to pay bills because they overlooked their own spending habits that month. When the behavior is unintentional or infrequent, sit down and discuss how to solve the conflict in a healthy way.

3. Practice Emotional Self-Care

When you are the victim of verbal abuse, it is important to take care of yourself. Practicing emotional self-care can help decrease some of the stress of your circumstance and provide time for reflection. This allows you to both empower yourself to put your boundaries into practice.

4. Limit Interactions

If your abuser is a coworker or mutual acquaintance, limit your interactions with them when possible. For example, if they hang out in the front office or near the snack table, try going to the other side of or leaving the room. This will decrease unnecessary interactions with them and decrease their opportunity to hurt you.

5. Talk to a Trusted Friend or Person

Talking to someone who you trust can be invaluable when you are dealing with a toxic relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic. Sometimes our support system can see things that we are desensitized to, especially emotional abuse. They can also give us the motivation we need to protect ourselves from an abuser.

6. Honor Yourself & Your Feelings

Many verbal abusers will deny that they engage in such negative behaviors. Don’t try to convince them of their fault–understand that your truth and your experience matter more than anything else. Honor your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable around or hurt by a person, you have the right to your emotions and should validate these.

7. Know When to Walk Away

If a person is not capable of the self-awareness involved with recognizing the impacts of their actions, it might be time to walk away from the relationship. If you are considering breaking up with an abusive partner, there are many ways to break up with a person safely and effectively.

When to Seek Professional Help

Verbally abusive relationships can result in long-lasting implications, including physical pains, symptoms of anxiety, or symptoms of depression.⁴ If you are struggling with these effects, professional support can help you focus on setting boundaries and building communication skills. It can also help you empower yourself and navigate the emotions that come from this experience. There are different ways to find the right therapist, and using an online therapist directory can make the process simpler.

Final Thoughts

After understanding what verbal abuse is, you may realize that certain behaviors you once considered normal are actually just the opposite. There are many effects of experiencing verbal abuse, but support is available to help you develop skills to cope and better advocate for yourself.