Exploring whether you are an emotional abuser requires a deep and honest look into your behaviors and patterns in relationships. It’s essential to reflect on how you interact with others, paying close attention to your actions, words, and their impacts on those around you. Emotional abuse can be subtle and often disguised as concern or care, making it challenging to recognize.
Often, those who are victims of emotional abuse are manipulated into believing that they are the abusers. It is a common strategy employed by abusers to maintain control and power over their victims. Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse and the manipulative tactics used by abusers can be a vital step towards reclaiming one’s sense of self and seeking the necessary support.
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What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is any behavior that uses emotions to gain power and control over another person. The abuser exploits this power and authority to keep their partner in a vulnerable position or to dictate their actions. This type of abuse can include criticism, attempts to control finances, time spent with family and friends, education, or activities. Emotional abuse can be difficult to recognize because it can vary in severity. Often, the abuser is unaware of their actions, leaving the victim to deal with the resulting grief and emotional distress alone.
Am I Emotionally Abusive?
If you have ever asked yourself, “Am I abusive?” these examples may help you evaluate your behavior. Review your actions honestly, and check to see if you may be doing something that gives you power and control over your partner.
Here are 25 signs that a person may be emotionally abusive:1, 2
- Threatening to withhold love and affection: The abuser offers affection or respect only when they get what they want, undermining the other person’s sense of self-worth and making them feel like they have to “earn” love.
- Monitoring activities: This goes beyond occasional phone checks. The abuser deliberately attempts to control the other person by constantly monitoring their social media, emails, or even physical location.
- Guilt Trips: The abuser might make the other person feel guilty for something they didn’t do or for simply having their own needs. This manipulation tactic keeps them feeling responsible for the abuser’s happiness.
- Forcing decisions: The abuser might pressure the other person into making decisions they’re not comfortable with, disregarding their needs and boundaries. This is about control, not respecting their autonomy.
- Triangulation: Triangulation involves bringing a third person into a conflict to manipulate the situation. The abuser might play one person against another, creating insecurity and competition.
- Minimizing or denying abuse: When the other person tries to address the abuse, the abuser might deny it ever happened, downplay its severity, or even blame the other person for their behavior. This gaslighting further confuses and isolates the other person.
- Lying and dishonesty: Consistent deception and dishonesty confuse the other person, damaging their ability to trust those close to them. Lying can become even more abusive when paired with gaslighting.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting is when the abuser makes the other person question their feelings and judgment by denying their experiences or memories. It chips away at their trust in their own perception of reality.
- Name-calling: Consistent insults and put-downs chip away at the other person’s self-esteem, making them feel worthless and easier to control.
- Not allowing privacy: Monitoring phone activity, location tracking, or using excessive cameras/recordings to keep tabs on someone, or not allowing them time for themselves all restrict the other person’s sense of privacy and independence.
- Preventing education: By preventing someone from getting an education, the abuser limits their opportunities for independence and growth, keeping them reliant.
- Controlling finances: Financial abuse includes controlling someone else’s finances in a way that is not consistent with their best interests. It takes away their power and makes them financially dependent on the abuser.
- Constant criticizing: The abuser can damage the other person’s self-esteem by constantly attacking them with criticisms. It weakens their confidence and makes them easier to control.
- Isolating from family or friends: Directly or indirectly cutting off another person’s social connections is a way for the abuser to control them. It isolates them from support systems and makes them more vulnerable to manipulation.
- Attempting to control appearance: This includes restricting the other person from dressing in specific ways or expressing themselves through their appearance. It’s about controlling their identity.
- Twisting reality: Manipulating how the other person perceives situations to gain an advantage weakens their trust in their own judgment and gives the abuser the upper hand.
- Humiliation: The abuser intentionally puts the other person down in front of others or in private. The goal is to belittle and shame the other person, making them feel worthless and isolated.
- Threatening to hurt family, friends, or pets: Threatening to hurt the other person’s loved ones, even if not carried out, creates fear and control. The abuser exploits their vulnerabilities to manipulate them.
- Cheating to show power: Cheating can be a way for the abuser to establish dominance and show disregard for the other person’s feelings. It’s about disrespect and a need for control.
- Telling them they’ll never find someone better: Threatening that they’ll never find someone better keeps the other person trapped in the relationship by preying on their insecurities.
- Damaging belongings: During an argument, damaging property or belongings may create fear and insinuate that the abuser means to hurt the other person. It’s a display of anger and potential for violence.
- Silent treatment: Withholding communication via silent treatment as punishment is a manipulative tactic. It leaves the other person feeling confused, isolated, and desperate for the abuser’s approval.
- Exploiting insecurities: Using the other person’s insecurities for personal gain is a form of emotional abuse. The abuser takes advantage of their vulnerabilities to manipulate them.
- Blackmailing: Emotion blackmail involves threatening to expose personal information to control the other person’s behavior. It’s a violation of trust and a tactic to keep them under the abuser’s control.
- Love bombing: Love-bombing refers to showering someone with a disproportionate amount of love and affection at the beginning of the relationship to suck them into a false sense of security. When done intentionally, this pretense is emotional abuse because it is manipulative and seeks to gain power.
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How to Know If You Are the Abuser or Being Abused
In emotionally abusive relationships, it’s common for the abuser to convince the victim that they’re the one being abusive. This tactic, often referred to as gaslighting, leaves the abused person feeling confused and guilty.3 If you find yourself constantly being blamed, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, or being told that you’re the problem, it might be a sign that you’re being manipulated and abused, not the abuser.
To figure out if you’re abusive or being abused, start by reflecting on your actions and the dynamics of the relationship. Ask yourself if your behavior includes consistent criticism, control, isolation, or belittlement of your partner. Conversely, if you feel controlled, belittled, or isolated, these are red flags indicating you might be the one being abused. Consider seeking the perspective of a trusted friend or therapist to gain clarity.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to clarify whether you are the abuser of being abused:
- Do I often feel guilty or responsible for things going wrong, even when I haven’t done anything wrong?
- Am I constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of how my partner will respond to my actions or words?
- Do I frequently belittle, control, or isolate my partner, or do I feel belittled, controlled, or isolated?
- Are my emotions and experiences regularly invalidated or dismissed by my partner?
- Do I use threats, intimidation, or manipulation to get my way, or do I feel threatened, intimidated, or manipulated?
- Do I apologize for my behavior and make genuine efforts to change, or do I find myself repeatedly apologizing for my partner’s behavior?
The Myth of Mutual Abuse
The myth of mutual abuse suggests that both partners in a relationship are equally abusive to each other, but this oversimplifies the complex dynamics of abuse. In reality, there’s often a power imbalance where one person exerts control and dominance over the other. Reactions to mutual abuse, such as self-defense, are coping mechanisms, not mutual abuse.3
How to Find Professional Support
No matter if you’re the one being abusive or the one experiencing it, professional help is the most critical step towards lasting change. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment to address the underlying causes of abuse and develop healthier behaviors. For individual therapy, Grow Therapy features an online directory with detailed filters to help you find a therapist who specializes in relationship issues. If you prefer remote sessions, PlushCare is an excellent choice, especially if you feel suddenly unsafe, as they offer same-day appointments and a unique crisis case management program.
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Would You Like to Try Therapy?
Most people (76%) who try therapy have a positive experience! Stat Source BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Why Are People Abusive?
Many people wonder what causes someone to perpetrate abuse. While no reason can excuse such behavior, several factors may contribute to it, including childhood trauma, exposure to violence, substance abuse, and mental health issues. The more these factors overlap in an individual’s life, the higher the likelihood they may exhibit abusive tendencies.
Here are several reasons people become abusive:
- Witnessing or experiencing abuse: Exposure to abuse in childhood, either at home or in the communities, can increase the risk of becoming abusive in later relationships. This is because children learn how to behave by observing the adults around them.4
- Childhood trauma: Experiencing adverse childhood experiences or trauma during childhood can have lasting effects on how a person approaches relationships, conflict, and power dynamics. Trauma can lead to feelings of insecurity, anger, and a need for control, which can increase the risk of abusive behavior.
- An overwhelming need for control: Abuse is about gaining and maintaining power and control over another person. People with control issues may resort to abusive behaviors to achieve this.
- Lack of empathy: People who lack empathy may struggle to understand how their actions affect others. This can make them more likely to engage in abusive behaviors without realizing the harm they are causing.
- Underlying mental illness: While not an excuse for abuse, mental health conditions can sometimes affect a person’s ability to control their impulses or regulate their emotions. If you are concerned about your own behavior or the behavior of a partner, it is important to seek professional help.
to Stop Being an Emotional Abuser
Reading this article is a significant first step that shows that you recognize your behavior may be problematic and abusive and want to explore how to make changes. Above all, getting professional help is necessary to acknowledge abusive patterns, heal the root cause of your behaviors, and ensure honesty with yourself about what actions you take towards another.
Here are some ways to stop being an emotional abuser:
- Get professional help: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the underlying issues and develop healthier coping skills. A professional therapist can help you address past trauma, manage mental health conditions, and build healthier relationship patterns.
- Recognize the underlying issue: Consider the root cause of your behavior. What need are you trying to meet when you act this way? Is there a history of trauma that needs more profound treatment and healing? Why is there a need for control? By recognizing the cause, you can better address it when seeking treatment.
- Take yourself out of the situation: Learn to take a step back before taking an abusive action. You can develop healthy coping skills to control your anger and difficult emotions. Learn to pause and take a break before reacting harshly. Consider practicing grounding techniques or taking a physical break from the situation.
- Learn to communicate better: Basic communication skills, such as “I feel” statements (I feel frustrated when I don’t hear from you), deep listening, and being direct yet kind can assist in improving a relationship. Improved communication alone will not solve abusive patterns but is one piece of the puzzle.
- Learn to recognize and label difficult emotions: Recognize and label your emotions before they control you. Learn to identify triggers that lead to abusive behavior. By simply acknowledging your feelings, you can gain control and choose a more constructive response.
- Address and treat underlying mental health: If you are dealing with an underlying mental health concern such as anxiety, depression, or a personality disorder, seek quality care for that concern as well. These may exacerbate the abusive tendencies and lead you to make decisions without realizing the conscience of your relationship.
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In My Experience
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Types of abuse – the hotline. (2023, December 15). The Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
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Strutzenberg, C. (n.d.). Love-Bombing: a narcissistic approach to relationship formation. ScholarWorks@UARK. https://scholarworks.uark.edu/hdfsrsuht/1/
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Arabi, S. (2017). Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.
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Why do people abuse | The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023, December 15). The Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/why-do-people-abuse/
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
Author: Stephanie Capecchi, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP (No Change)
Primary Changes: Revised sections titled How to Know If You Are the Abuser or Being Abused.” New content written by Amanda Stretcher, MA, LPC-S, and medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD. Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Stephanie Capecchi, LCSW
Reviewer: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
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