Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used to “suck” victims back into toxic relationship cycles. Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target’s time, energy, and attention. Hoovering is all about forcing engagement by any means necessary with someone who would prefer to disengage. Hoovering is a form of emotional abuse that’s commonly used by those with personality disorders, especially narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
What Does Hoovering Mean?
Hoovering is a form of emotional abuse that occurs when someone feels threatened by another person withdrawing from or leaving a relationship. A person hoovers when they want attention–even if that attention is negative. For example, someone might become clingy or engage in subtle revenge tactics as a way to hoover their partners or other people they’re afraid of losing. In short, when a person hoovers, they try to find ways to lure someone back into their lives, with a variety of tactics, such as gift-giving and gaslighting, among others.
Who “Hoovers?”
Anyone can hoover, particularly when they feel insecure, scared, or uncertain about their relationship status. However, chronic hoovering is a tactic most frequently associated with personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), and histrionic personality disorder (HPD). These personality disorders fall within ‘Cluster B,’ a category characterized by emotional, unpredictable, and erratic behaviors.1
People with these personality disorders struggle with emotional regulation and often face problems in their relationships. Because their self-image can be fragile, they often experience mood swings, feelings of emptiness, and an elevated need for attention.
Narcissistic Hoovering
Narcissism coincides with an intense desire for attention and validation. People with NPD often rely on others to maintain this source of approval, also known as narcissistic supply. They frequently use hoovering tactics to keep a sense of power and control in their relationships. The narcissistic abuse cycle often consists of recurrent patterns of idealization and devaluation. However, at the end of a narcissistic relationship, a person with NPD often feels highly threatened and scared of losing their power over a person, leading them to hoover.
Narcissistic hoovering may look like:
- Seeking information from their victims’ friends and family
- Trying to smear the victim’s reputation
- Reaching out (but calling it accidental) to the victim
- Making bold promises to their change behaviors
Borderline Hoovering
People with BPD experience an intense fear of abandonment, which they may project onto others. This behavior isn’t necessarily intentional–it’s often a reaction to trauma or a history of dysfunctional relationships. In addition, BPD relationship cycles consist of high levels of romanization and idolizing, coupled with devaluation and discard. At the end of the relationship, someone with BPD may feel frantic, and anxious to keep their partner around.
Borderline hoovering may look like:
- Self-harming and telling the other person about it
- Threatening suicide or other dangerous behavioral responses
- Trying to love-bomb to win the partner back
- Feigning a crisis to get attention
Antisocial Hoovering
Although less focused on, a person with ASPD may also engage in hoovering tactics. Those with ASPD lack emotional regard for others, and they continuously exhibit behaviors that do not conform to social norms. ASPD behavior is manipulative by nature–these individuals crave power and control, and hurting others can help them achieve that.
Antisocial hoovering may look like:
- Deliberately physically hurting the person (or their loved ones)
- Seeking intense revenge tactics
- Acting impulsively or dangerously to gain attention
Histrionic Hoovering
HPD is characterized by a person’s need to be the center of attention, sometimes achieved through regular engagement in seductive, provocative behavior.2 They value having a larger than life presence, and they often act inappropriately with and around others. When threatened by a breakup, they may react by seemingly moving on instantly, or having others side with them as means of approval.
Histrionic hoovering may look like:
- Flirting or engaging sexually with others (and telling their ex-partner about it)
- Drawing attention to themselves on social media
- Acting impulsively or threatening suicide for attention
Examples of Hoovering
Hoovering can occur within any kind of relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or platonic. But, toxic relationships tend to include a consistent pattern of hoovering, whether it’s done by one or both parties. Over time, hoovering can become an entrenched part of how partners react and engage with one another.
Here are some examples of hoovering in different types of relationships:
- Threatening suicide if you don’t do what they want
- Stating they will come to your house if you don’t respond to their texts right away
- Lavishing you with gifts
- Lying about your behavior to get your attention
- Becoming overly apologetic and trying to promise changed behavior
- Alternating between ghosting and constant contact
- Making intense proclamations of love and closeness
10 Signs of Hoovering
If you suspect you are being hoovered, it’s important to be aware of the warning signs. Sometimes, hoovering can be insidious. You may not be able to distinguish what’s happening until things worsen progressively. In addition, gaslighting often goes hand-in-hand with hoovering. For instance, even if you suspect something might be wrong, the other person may try to convince you that you’re overreacting.
Here are ten signs someone is hoovering you:
1. They Seem Apologetic
Hoovering may look like excessive, over-the-top apologies. You can typically distinguish an inauthentic apology from a real one by a few words. For example, an inauthentic apology sounds like, I’m sorry you feel that way; I’m sorry, but; or, I’m sorry if. Inauthentic apologies can also come across as grandiose and cluttered.
2. They Contact You Randomly
People who hoover may repeatedly come in and out of your life. One moment, they may seem to accept that the relationship is over. But, just as it feels like things are healing, they come back into your world again. They might use nostalgia as a weapon, reaching out with statements like, I was driving and heard this song on the radio. It made me think of you. Hope you’re doing well!
3. They Send You Gifts
Giving gifts can also be an example of hoovering. Sometimes, it’s a way for people to love bomb others back into their lives. These gifts may be a way to apologize for problematic behavior, but the kind gestures often stop once a person gets what they want.
4. They Gaslight You
Gaslighting is a common hoovering tactic. Gaslighting can sound like, I just wanted to check up on you- I know you’re having a hard time (even when you aren’t), or I know things got out of hand for both of us (even when they didn’t). Over time, gaslighting can make you question your reality, thus complicating your relationship even further. Unfortunately, when your feelings seem invalid, you may be even more susceptible to emotional abuse.3
5. They Smear Your Reputation
A narcissistic smear campaign can include spreading lies or making false accusations about a person’s behavior. Someone who is hoovering does this in an attempt to gain attention and get other people to empathize with them. Unfortunately, it can feel like a lose-lose situation. If you ignore these efforts, they may get worse. Likewise, if you engage, the other person will often double down on their attempts.4
6. They Tell You How Much They Love You
Hoovering often includes extreme proclamations of love. You’re their soulmate! You’re the only one who truly understands them! They can’t imagine being with anybody else! Of course, these love-bombing statements may feel good, but they’re also highly manipulative. If you still haven’t gotten over the other person, they can lure you right back in.5
7. They Contact You When It Seems Important
Hoovering can be subtle. The person may contact you at specific times, like on your birthday or anniversary. They might also be tracking you, which means they can contact you when you get a new job or move. This type of communication may trick you into believing they still really care about you and your well-being.
8. They Talk Through Other People to Get to You
Some people hoover non-directly. For example, they might go on and on about how much they miss you to a mutual friend, with hopes that this friend relays those feelings to you. Or, they might go on social media talking about how much they messed up or lost their “true love,” anticipating that you’ll see and know it’s about you.
9. They Feign a Crisis
Of all the hoovering tactics, feigning a crisis can be one of the most challenging. Some people will exaggerate or completely make up crises to get attention. These crises can include anything from medical emergencies, to family deaths, to mental health stressors. They’re betting that their situations will pull at your heartstrings and lure you back in.
10. They Pretend Everything is Fine
Pretending nothing has changed is another common hoovering behavior. The person will act as if nothing has happened between you. They might just show up to your house or work like you two are still close. They may still call you their partner despite having broken up. This behavior forces you to call them out and initiate the next discussion.
How to Respond to & Deal With Hoovering
Hoovering can be complicated and painful, so it’s important to take care of yourself. You don’t want to keep falling back into the routine of emotional abuse or emotional manipulation. Maintaining emotional and physical distance is usually the best way to maintain your well-being in these circumstances. Remember that you cut that person off for a specific reason (or set of reasons), and try to remind yourself of this when you feel uncertain about how to respond to hoovering.
Below are some ways to deal with hoovering behaviors:
- Identify patterns: Over time, you may start to recognize hoovering patterns. Take note of these as a way to prepare yourself for when a certain behavior may reemerge.
- Prioritize your mental and emotional self-care: Self-care is an important part of maintaining your self-esteem and well-being. Make sure you routinely engage in activities that help you feel confident, rejuvenated, or rested.
- Block them: As much as possible, try to limit contact. Block them on social media, email, and other online accounts.
- Avoid bad-mouthing: Aim to take the higher road and avoid criticizing a hooverer to other people. This perpetuates conflict, and you never know if someone might repeat what you’ve said to them.
- Respond as neutrally as possible: If you must engage, try to avoid arguing, becoming defensive, or proving your point. Even if it’s tempting, this strategy only perpetuates more toxic communication.
- Keep reminding yourself it’s not your fault: Even if the other person continues to blame you for any problems within your relationship, that doesn’t make their reality the truth. Ground yourself with your feelings and experiences to affirm your side of the story.
- Seek legal action: If you fear for your safety, you may need to set higher protective measures in place. Contact local law enforcement to review your options.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can help people overcome the residual emotional and psychological impacts of hoovering by offering support and practical coping skills for healing. Look for a mental health professional with experience in emotional abuse, breakups, and divorce. Finding a therapist shouldn’t be hard–you can start your search by using an online therapist directory.
Here are some therapy options to consider:
- Talk therapy: Talk therapy is a general term for therapy that entails processing emotions, increasing insight, and facilitating important life changes. Talk therapy can help you cope with hoovering and take back control of your life.
- Online therapy: Online therapy offers a convenient option for talk therapy. It can be beneficial for people with busy schedules, who want greater accessibility to a network of potential providers, or who live in more remote areas.
- Group therapy: There are psychoeducation and support groups that specialize in topics related to domestic violence, emotional abuse, and healing from divorce. These groups offer peer support and can help you feel more empowered in your recovery.
- Family therapy: Family therapy may be recommended if children are affected by any hoovering. Most therapists advise against including the hoovering person in therapy–it’s better for them to have their own separate, individual treatment.
Final Thoughts
Hoovering can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. If you’re struggling with this issue, you’re not alone. However, it’s important to prioritize your emotional and mental health needs right now, and therapy can help throughout the healing process. If you feel like you keep getting sucked back into the same cycle, consider reaching out for support today.
Hoovering Infographics
