10 Tips for Success When Arguing with a Bipolar Person

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental health issue that affects mood, energy, and communication. It’s characterized by extreme mood swings causing manic highs and extreme lows. When a person with bipolar disorder is in conflict, they may struggle to respectfully and clearly communicate their issues and needs. They may lash out, name call, yell, and show aggression and drastic mood swings as they express themselves. Navigating conflict with someone reacting this way can be extremely difficult. It’s important to be mindful of your own needs and consider their diagnosis of Bipolar I vs. Bipolar II and set clear boundaries around how you want to communicate.¹

Causes of Conflict in Bipolar Relationships

Those with bipolar disorder may avoid relationships and close intimate friendships due to this low self-worth and self-esteem. They may also lead them to engage in unhealthy, toxic, or abusive ways toward others due to their lack of self-awareness. They may be willing to change and work on themselves, and treatment can be very successful. However, left untreated, bipolar disorder symptoms can create worsening relationships and increased interpersonal conflict.

Potential causes of conflict for a bipolar person include:

• Obsession with suicidal ideation
• Self-harming behaviors
• Hypersexuality
• Pressured speech
• Severe irritability
• Irrational thoughts
• Bipolar anger
• Psychosis
• Different thought patterns, such as black-and-white thinking
• Bipolar disorder cycles
• Mania²

Some potential arguments you might have with a loved one with bipolar disorder include:

• Erratic behaviors, such as drinking, money use, and recklessness
• Needing to seek medical treatment
• Rules on how to live together
• Needs or expectations in a relationship
• Boundaries around personal needs and space

10 Tips for Success When Arguing With Bipolar People

While engaging in a conflict with someone with bipolar disorder can be stressful, it is possible to have a productive discussion that still honors your needs and limits.

Here are ten tips for success when arguing with someone who has bipolar disorder:

1. Make Them Face the Facts

Stay clear and focus on the facts around your disagreement. Try to avoid becoming emotional or incorporating character judgments. Those with bipolar disorder may be highly excitable or prone to delusional thinking, and focusing on the facts can force them to consider their claims and identify problems with their narrative. For example, when shifting the argument’s focus back to the facts, you might say, “I understand we are experiencing strong feelings. However, the facts are X, Y, Z.”

2.  Make it Their Choice

Those with bipolar may make poor decisions when they are in a state where they can’t appropriately consider their options. Additionally, when in a manic episode, they may lose their connection to reality and the repercussions of their actions. Offering a loved one with bipolar healthy options for a compromise that ultimately can serve everyone’s goals can allow you to come to a positive outcome that both of you can agree upon.

3. Don’t Engage During Fight or Flight Responses

Arguments with anyone who is highly agitated are rarely productive. When your partner has bipolar, it’s even more important to wait until they are no longer triggered and activated to try to engage in an argument with them. Step away and wait until they are calmer before bringing up any sources of conflict, as reasoning with them in their current state will be futile. For example, you can explain, “I see you are feeling very angry, and I don’t feel heard. I will try to talk to you again when you are feeling more calm and open.”

4. Have Compassion for Yourself & Your Partner

It is possible to have compassion for your partner and yourself, as neither one of you enjoys the conflict. When bipolar symptoms flare, your partner may react in ways that are difficult for you to understand. Their condition may cause their view of the world to differ from yours. In times of conflict, compassion fatigue is expected, so remember your limits and honor yourself.

For example, you may say, “I don’t know about you, but I can tell we both are tired. Let’s try to be nicer to each other. Can we try that?”

5. Consider What Is Best for You

It may feel tempting to engage when things are heated, as the ego is often in control. However, consider how you may feel after the conflict and your ultimate goals and values. It is ok if the argument is not worth the fight, and you are allowed not to want to engage with this person.

For example, you can extract yourself from the argument by saying, “This conflict is triggering me and making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse about myself, so I will have to stop right now.”

6. Regulate Your Emotions

Those with bipolar disorder may experience intense anger or irritability while in a manic, hypomanic, or depressive state. So it’s especially important to ensure you are as level and balanced as possible before you engage in conflict. If you are also feeling reactive, it may be best for you both to take some time to cool down. For example, you can ask for some time before engaging, “I am too angry and upset to engage in this with you, I will talk to you when I am calmer. Can we try to come back in two hours?”

7. Set Healthy Boundaries

No one can take on someone else’s struggles. Your role in supporting your partner is limited to loving, supporting, and advocating for them. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to better support your loved one with bipolar disorder in the long run. If your boundaries are being crossed during your conflict, restate them, and present a clear consequence. For example, you may say, “I will not engage in conflict with you if it resorts to name-calling, character assassination, and mocking behaviors. If it does, I will walk away.”

8. Model Healthy Communication

When addressing a sensitive subject with anyone you care for, it’s important to model healthy communication that clearly expresses your concerns. Ideally, you will find a time when you both are calm and in a good state to calmly and rationally approach your problems. Using “I feel” sentences allow you to shift the focus from their actions to how those actions made you feel. An example of an “I feel” sentence is, “I felt hurt when you ____. How can we prevent this from happening again?”

Even if your loved one with bipolar doesn’t want to speak this way, modeling healthy communication can diffuse escalating emotions. For instance, you can respond to their statements with, “I am trying to engage in a way that is helpful for us both. Your opinions are important to me. Let me tell you what I hear from you.”

9. Remember, Bipolar Disorder Is a Disease

It can be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but the bipolar person is struggling with a disease. This is not to excuse their behaviors but to remember you are arguing with someone experiencing deep conflict within themselves. It helps to keep their actions separated from you and to uphold your boundaries, safety, and mutual respect, while holding the other person accountable for their actions.

You can express empathy and your emotions with statements like, “I understand this might not be how you want to react. It also frustrates me, but I am not responsible for your healing this.”

10. Remind Yourself That Abuse is Not Love

The stress of bipolar disorder and its effects on the person with the condition and those around them can sometimes be interpreted as emotional abuse. It’s essential to define your boundaries, create your own standards, and understand what you will and will not endure. You have the right to leave any relationship that isn’t right for you. Abuse is not love.

An example of defining your tolerance for your partner’s behavior could be, “I will not tolerate being abused, manipulated, or yelled at that way. If this continues, I will leave because those are abusive behaviors, which is not love. I deserve to be spoken to and treated with respect.”³

What Not to Say When Arguing With a Bipolar Person

In a heightened state where someone with bipolar disorder feels upset, attacked, afraid, or struggling with reality, some specific phrases or suggestions can make the situation worse. These statements can ruffle up against what is happening internally for them and place them face to face with the negative feelings they may already have and be trying to avoid.

Things not to say when arguing with a bipolar person include:

• “You’re a psycho”
• “You are overreacting”
• “I thought you were taking your medication”
• “Stop acting like a fool”
• “You’re just lazy”
• “We have such high hopes for you”
• “Why are you like this”

These arguments likely arise due to something the bipolar person struggles with, so they should remember their humanity when conflict happens. It is important to address defensiveness and defense mechanisms in both parties to find the key to a healthy conclusion to an argument.⁴

When Can a Professional Help You Improve Communication?

Conflict can be expected and acceptable, such as sharing concerns or needing help seeking treatment. However, there are times when conflict becomes unhealthy and problematic. It’s crucial to set boundaries and potentially seek help if an individual’s symptoms are getting in the way of living a healthy and productive life. For example, individuals with bipolar may lie because they are ashamed of their disorder or neglect their major responsibilities with the kids.

Signs that you may benefit from professional help when in a relationship with a bipolar person include:

• Fear or worry of the children
• Violence
• Lying
• Anxiety
• Abuse
• Neglect
• Problems sleeping
• Broken commitments
• Frequent fighting
• Financial problems
• Gaslighting²

Therapy Options

If you’ve worked to create healthy and positive conflict resolution with your partner who has bipolar disorder and still cannot resolve problems without aggression, name-calling, and other harmful tactics, it may be time to find professional help. There are many options available to find a therapist who specializes in conflict resolution or the challenges that come from having bipolar disorder. Navigating the many online therapy options can be the first step in finding the support you need.

Everyone struggles at some point, and people with bipolar disorder have significant challenges to tackle. However, that is their problem to resolve. You do not have to continue suffering emotional abuse or harm from them. There are many online support groups that can serve as support while you navigate relationships and conflict with someone with bipolar disorder. Additionally, you can check out an online therapist directory to find a therapist who can be a good fit for your individual concerns.

Final Thoughts

While arguing with a bipolar person will happen, it doesn’t have to be so contentious. If it becomes too much pain for you to conflict with a bipolar person, consider therapy. Together you and your therapist can help you craft a plan where you can feel heard and be safe. There is always hope that things can get better.