Interpersonal conflicts occur when two or more people disagree about something. Disagreements often come down to a difference in goals, values, viewpoints or access to resources. Interpersonal conflicts can arise in any setting where people are involved: at work, at home, at school, and in personal or professional relationships. Fortunately, there are several ways to resolve conflict and emerge with the relationship intact.1
What Is Interpersonal Conflict?
Interpersonal conflict is a normal, common occurrence in relationships. Anytime more than one person is involved, there are going to be different values, opinions, and thoughts. These differences are what make people individuals. Interpersonal conflict can be healthy; sometimes, it can even result in a mutually beneficial solution and a closer, healthier relationship. On the other hand, when conflict escalates or is chronic and unresolved, this can be unhealthy and stressful, causing more overall conflict in a relationship.
Although conflict is sometimes a good thing, it is difficult for a lot of people. Many people avoid conflict, react defensively or go on the attack. Being prepared with information and tools about how to resolve conflict can help one feel more confident and prepared to face conflict without damaging the relationship. Oftentimes, conflict comes down to one or more parties feeling that their needs are unmet.
Interpersonal Conflict vs. Intrapersonal Conflict
Interpersonal conflict refers to a conflict between two or more people. Intrapersonal conflict is used to describe a conflict that someone has with themself, like when they are torn between two competing thoughts or struggling to make a decision.
Types of Interpersonal Conflict
There are several different types of interpersonal conflict. It’s important to know what type of interpersonal conflict you’re struggling with to choose the best resolution strategy. Conflicts can be verbal, as in an argument, or non-verbal, as in closed-off body language, stomping around, or slamming doors.
When we discuss interpersonal conflict, we are not referring to domestic violence or physical altercations. These situations are not normal types of conflict and require professional intervention.
The six types of interpersonal conflict are:
1. Pseudo Conflict
This type of conflict is based on a difference of opinion or a misunderstanding. An example might be when one person interprets what another person said as something other than their intention. Usually, these types of conflicts can be worked through quickly by talking through the situation and clarifying needs and meaning.
2. Fact Conflict
A fact conflict occurs when two or more people disagree on the facts about something. For example, one person is convinced that gas prices are higher than ever before. Another person remembers a time that they were higher. A fact conflict can be resolved by checking the facts.
3. Value Conflict
This type of conflict occurs when people have very different values about something. These are usually things that people feel strongly about, like gun control, abortion, education, or religious beliefs. Generally, these beliefs are deep-rooted and this is not a conflict that is easily resolved.
People don’t often change their convictions based on a disagreement. A good way to handle this conflict is to listen with the intent of understanding where the other person is coming from, even if you disagree. Then, acknowledge that others are allowed to have their own beliefs and values and that’s ok.
4. Policy Conflict
Policy conflicts occur when people disagree on what type of policy, rule or procedure is best for addressing a certain problem. There are many factors that go into why someone believes a certain approach may be the best one. One way to work toward resolution is to remember the common goal and look for areas of agreement. Remember that everyone is on the same team.2
5. Ego Conflict
This type of conflict happens when disagreements get personal and egos are involved. People may lash out or become defensive and triggered. People may get stubborn and refuse to back down. These types of agreements can go around and around without resolution.
Sometimes the best thing to do is step away and return to the conversation after everyone is de-escalated. When things are heated, people can become flooded with emotion and don’t really process what the other person is saying anyway.3
6. Meta Conflict
A meta conflict is when people argue about arguing. Things like “You never listen to me! You make everything about you! Don’t talk to me that way!” The argument then spirals into an argument about the argument, and the initial conflict is no longer even being discussed.
Sound familiar? This may be another situation where walking away and coming back to it later is the best idea. Bring up differences in communication in a separate conversation, when all parties can discuss calmly.
Causes of Interpersonal Conflict
There are many different causes of interpersonal conflict, including differing points of view, personality mismatches, cultural differences, diverse upbringings, or conflicting values and beliefs. Conflicts are more likely to arise when people are dealing with frustration, stress, pent-up anger, or lack of communication about lingering issues builds up and then “comes out sideways.”
Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships. People have different personalities and needs, and disagreement doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, it can even lead to deeper connection and understanding. However, when egos get involved, people feel their status is threatened, or they get into a pattern of attack/defend, conflict can be unhealthy.4
Examples of Interpersonal Conflict
Interpersonal conflict is a possibility anytime more than one person with different ideas, personalities and values gets together.
Here are a few examples of interpersonal conflict:
Policy Conflict With Non-Profit Board
The board of a non-profit is in disagreement about the employee-leave policy. People feel strongly about how they believe it should be handled; some are focused on the mental health of the staff and believe that leave should be given freely and generously. Others are worried about funding, budget, and meeting productivity, and believe that leave should be cut.
This is a policy conflict. As a starting point, it would be good for everyone to take a short break and then remember what their common goals are. Most likely, people want the same things: excellent services for their clients. It can be helpful to discuss the conflict with that shared goal in mind, and work towards a compromise that feels best overall.
Ego Conflict in a Partnership
A couple is fighting, and the argument is escalating. One partner accuses the other of not listening. That partner accuses the other of being unreliable. The next thing you know, they are hurling insults at each other, reacting in a sarcastic and defensive way, yelling and throwing out every bad thing that has ever happened.
This is an ego conflict, and it feels very personal. Take a break. When both partners are feeling calmer and able to discuss, revisit the conversation and stay focused on the topic at hand. Discuss the conversation issues at another time, as a separate discussion, and possibly even consider hiring a therapist or mediator to help with communication tools.
Value Conflict About Gun Safety
A heated discussion about gun safety in schools is taking place, and no one is seeing eye to eye. People feel strongly about their beliefs and are not likely to budge during a disagreement. This is a value conflict. A great step toward moving forward is for interested parties to listen to the other’s perspective, and try to understand their point of view. This doesn’t mean they have to agree! But if they try putting themselves in the others’ shoes and seek to understand their perspective, this is a great starting point.2
Where Do Interpersonal Conflicts Take Place?
Interpersonal conflicts can take place at work, in school, at home, or in romantic relationships. These conflicts differ based on the topic of disagreement, the closeness of the relationship, the policies or culture in place, and the personalities of those involved. A conflict on a playground is not likely to look the same as a heated discussion in an executive boardroom. However, all types of conflicts share a few traits: someone does not feel that they are being heard or getting their needs met.
Interpersonal Conflicts at Work
At work, conflict may arise when there is disagreement about policies, productivity, or expectations. Co-workers may disagree about how best to complete a project and management may disagree about how to discipline a staff member. These conflicts can arise when people don’t feel like they have the autonomy to make decisions, or they don’t agree about how things are done.
Conflicts at work can be difficult because of power dynamics, work culture, or a stressful environment. When possible, it’s a good idea to make sure that everyone has a voice. Try a brainstorming session or give honest feedback. Support positive morale. Employees are generally more productive and happier when they feel heard, valued, and understand the overall mission.5
Interpersonal Conflicts at School
Conflicts at school can involve altercations between students, disagreement between colleagues, or even conflict about educational policies. These conflicts can arise for many reasons and can be difficult because people interact with others in so many different roles within an educational setting.
The resolution will depend on the power dynamics and roles of people involved. For example, two kindergarteners arguing over who gets to play with a toy will be resolved differently than coworkers arguing over curriculum. In any conflict, however, it’s good to look at the needs of all parties involved and explore ways to get those needs communicated.6
Interpersonal Conflicts at Home
Interpersonal conflicts at home can come up unexpectedly. These conflicts can include disagreements about chores, housework, or parenting. Egos can get involved when one person attacks another’s character and that person responds defensively.
One way to resolve these disagreements is to sit down for a household meeting when all parties are calm and hash out a plan for the house rules and division of responsibility. People may even want to print these rules out and hang them up or have everyone in the household sign.
Interpersonal Conflicts in Romantic Relationships
Relationship conflicts can be the most heated of all. Emotions run high, and people expect their romantic partners to meet their needs in a certain way. There are often unspoken expectations, betrayals, or feelings of disconnection that can contribute to the conflict. These things often build up over time. Partners want to keep the peace so they don’t say anything until it all explodes out.
A great way to avoid this is to check in regularly. Take 10 minutes each evening to sit down and chat about life. Discuss disagreements when both parties are calm, but without waiting too long. If one person needs to step away, set a time to come back to the conversation. For example “I’m feeling really upset right now. Let’s take a break and talk in 30 minutes.”7
5 Strategies for Managing Interpersonal Conflict
There are several healthy, and some not-so-healthy, ways to manage interpersonal conflict. The best strategy will depend on the relationship between the people involved, the setting, and the situation. If feelings are hurt, a sincere apology is also recommended.
The five most common conflict resolution strategies are:
1. Avoiding It
This happens when one or more people withdraw from the conflict and avoid addressing it, which is called avoidance behavior. Sometimes, they bury their feelings and move on. A person in an argument with their partner may storm out of the room or leave. Other times, they respond in more indirect ways like making passive-aggressive comments, complaining to other people, or responding in a snippy or sarcastic way.
This strategy can be helpful when emotions are high and people need to step away briefly, or if the conflict is really not important and people choose to let it go. However, avoiding it altogether is usually unhealthy and not recommended as an effective coping strategy.
2. Accommodating
Accommodating is when one or more people decide to let the other person “win” this time. For example, if there is a disagreement about where to eat, one partner may decide to bow out and let the other decide, or take turns. This can be a helpful way to deal with conflict, as long as one person is not in a pattern of ignoring their own needs just to keep the peace.
3. Compromising
Compromise happens when everyone agrees to give a little and meet in the middle. Maybe one person wants blue, the other wants red but they both like purple, so they go with that. Compromise is usually regarded as a great way to resolve conflict because everyone gets their needs at least somewhat met, and the relationship stays intact.
4. Competing
Competing is when one person in a conflict becomes more aggressive or coercive, and either forces their will on others or bullies them into doing things their way. An example is someone who says, “It’s my way or the highway”. This leaves others feeling powerless, disregarded, and resentful. While competition has its place, resolving conflicts is not the time for it.
5. Collaborating
This involves working together as a team to solve the problem. If a couple is in a disagreement about parenting, collaboration would involve sitting down, communicating, listening to each other’s concerns and coming up with a solution together. This approach is often not a quick-fix, but ultimately it is the best solution for all involved.
What to Avoid During Conflict Resolution
For your conflict to be resolved, your communication has to be productive. Things like insults or going around in circles is only going to dig you into a deeper hole.
Here’s a list of things to avoid when trying to resolve interpersonal conflicts:
- Serial arguments, going around and around about the same topics
- Placing blame on others
- Cross-complaints, or responding to an issue with a different complaint
- Not fighting fair
- Continuing to fight when things get heated, when it’s often better to take a break
- “Kitchen-sink” arguments, where every problem in the world is brought up
- Insults or name-calling
- Mind Reading
When To Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, finding a therapist is the only way to resolve a conflict and get unstuck. If parties are at an impasse with serious differences of opinion, there has been a betrayal or loss of trust, or the relationship has been significantly damaged, reach out for help.
If physical violence is involved, reach out for help immediately. There are many options available, including interpersonal therapy, Gottman relationship therapy, Imago therapy, EFT, or even professional mediation. Qualified therapists with many different specialties and focus areas can be found in an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
It’s only human to have interpersonal conflict from time to time. By identifying what type of conflict it is and how to best resolve it, you can minimize its impact on yourself and others, and come out on the other side with your peace of mind and relationship intact.
Interpersonal Conflict Infographics
