Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where someone distorts reality to make others feel confused and question themselves. Gaslighting may include deliberate deceit, passive aggression, defensiveness, sarcasm, and undermining someone else’s experiences. While anyone can gaslight, it’s a common tactic abusers use to exert power and control in their relationships.1
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What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting entails intentionally twisting, changing, or otherwise distorting reality to manipulate how others think or feel. Gaslighters mislead people to try to make them doubt their truth. As a result, victims of gaslighting often feel confused, insecure, lonely, and afraid to trust themselves.
Gaslighting is a rampant tactic in emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. It can happen at home, with friends, or in the workplace. Many times, it follows a typical pattern – one person will repeatedly gaslight another person, and it becomes an inherent part of an imbalance dynamic.
Here are 20 examples of gaslighting in different scenarios:
Examples of Gaslighting in a Relationship
Common in narcissistic, abusive, and toxic relationships, gaslighting partners distort reality to maintain power and authority in their relationships. It often feels like an insidious form of control, where the abuser uses a combination of direct and indirect methods to hurt their partners.2 The gaslighting often starts slowly and then increases as time goes on.
Examples of gaslighting in a relationship include:
1. Distracting With Compassion
I love you so much, and you know I’d never intentionally hurt your feelings. How could you think I was flirting with her when you’re the only one for me? Gaslighting partners will often sugarcoat toxic situations with kind platitudes as a way to distract their partners from their feelings. Unfortunately, this often causes their partners to feel like they’re overreacting or being too harsh.
2. Minimizing or Making Fun of Feelings
Abusers will call their loved ones overly sensitive, critical, or dramatic. They will also often get annoyed or make fun of them when they cry or show other emotional displays. As a result, the emotionally manipulated partner often feels ashamed and may try to withhold their feelings altogether.
3. Discounting Achievements
Gaslighting partners often feel intimidated and jealous of their partner’s success. As a result, they will often tear down or question various accomplishments. For example, they might engage in backhanded compliments and phrases like, That’s great you got a promotion, but it’s a bummer you’re still so underpaid in your role!
4. Denying Abuse
In cases of physical abuse, an abuser might flat-out deny what happened. They might insist, for example, that their partner tripped, fell, or hurt themselves in another way. At times, they may even be so convincing that the victim starts believing this version of the truth.
5. Withholding Information
Some gaslighting partners will play mind tricks on their loved ones by insisting they told them to do something when they never did. Then, they will get mad at their loved ones for forgetting. It might play out like, What do you mean you didn’t pick up the dry cleaning? I told you about it this morning! Were you not paying attention again?
Examples of Gaslighting Parents
Gaslighting parents typically tell children how they should feel. They will deny or dispute any instances of harm and work hard to make themselves appear to be better than they are. These toxic parents often shame, belittle, or discount their child’s experiences. Moreover, some abusive parents deliberately harm their children physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally.
Examples of gaslighting parents include:
6. Labeling the Child’s Feelings
You’re not really hungry. You’re not that upset. You’re tired. Even if a parent has good intentions, telling a child how they feel can disregard how they actually feel in a given situation. Over time, these children may grow up suppressing their own emotions because they don’t believe anyone will listen or care.
7. Denying the Truth
Gaslighting parents will blatantly lie about certain situations. For example, they might insist they never said something or that the child is making things up. They may pretend to have no idea what the child is talking about. This can cause children to question themselves and feel perpetually uncertain.
8. Questioning the Child’s Memory
You don’t remember what happened. Do you really believe I’d make this up? Even if a parent has a subjectively different experience than a child, a gaslighting parent will insist that only their version of the story is appropriate. As a result, children often feel invalidated about their experiences.
9. Shifting Blame
Gaslighting parents will often blame the child for their own mistakes. They might insist that a certain issue wasn’t their fault or that the child somehow provoked it to happen. If they do apologize, it isn’t genuine- it’s more along the lines of, I’m sorry you got so upset.3
10. Dismissing the Child’s Needs
It’s perfectly acceptable for parents to reject particular requests, but gaslighting parents are often cruel and vindictive when doing so. For example, they might make snarky comments like, you’re so spoiled or why do you keep asking me for things? This leaves the child feeling like a burden and may exacerbate anxiety and depression.4
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Examples of Gaslighting in Friendships
Toxic friendships often feel incredibly one-sided and unfair. That’s because gaslighting friends (who are often narcissists) usually make the relationship entirely about themselves. They seemingly disregard other people’s feelings and often appear to use their friends to satisfy their own needs. In these dynamics, friendship isn’t about empathy or mutual respect. Instead, everything feels like a continuous power struggle.
Examples of gaslighting friends include:
11. Pitting Friends Against Each Other
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.
12. Befriending Romantic Partners
Gaslighting friends often want to get close to their friends’ significant others. They may be deliberately trying to incite jealousy, but they might also be genuinely interested in stealing someone else’s partner. Often, if confronted, they will deny these intentions and even accuse their friend’s partner of being so flirtatious.
13. Showing Inauthentic Concern
I’m getting worried about how much you forget things. Gaslighting friends may play charades, insisting they care about someone else’s well-being while simultaneously trying to tear that other person down. The victim often feels confused by the statement and starts questioning their truth.
14. Frequent Gossip
Gaslighting friends thrive on gossip, as it offers them a sense of validation, control, and power. Therefore, they will often get close to people just to “dig up dirt” and then use that information as leverage when they need it later.
15. Invalidating Emotions
Gaslighting friends may make comments that insinuate that others are always exaggerating or acting inappropriately. They might make offensive statements like, You don’t really feel that way, or It’s not that bad- other people have it so much harder than you! These statements often leave other people feeling hurt and ashamed.
Examples of Gaslighting in the Workplace
Gaslighting can be especially frustrating in the workplace. Narcissistic bosses, narcissistic coworkers, and toxic administrators may engage in these harmful tactics with their employees. Chronic gaslighting often causes people to question their skills and competence, and it can make for a significantly hostile work environment. Employees often feel marginalized and like they’re walking on eggshells in the office.5
Examples of gaslighting in the workplace include:
16. Silently Sabotaging
A gaslighting coworker or boss might try to sabotage an employee’s reputation by jeopardizing their work. For example, they might promise to send over a vital document only to never send it. Or, they might “forget” to invite an employee to a meeting only to berate them later for failing to show up.
17. Omitting Essential Information
Gaslighting bosses may expect their employees to read their minds. As a result, they might be intentionally vague when giving project instructions. This manipulation often puts employees in lose-lose situations. On the one hand, they don’t want to incorrectly guess their abusive boss’s expectations. But, they also often fear that asking for clarification will come across as needy or incompetent.
18. Extreme Defensiveness
Gaslighters in the workplace do not take personal accountability when they make a mistake. Instead, they react defensively. For example, if an employee attempts to set a boundary about inappropriate conduct, the gaslighter will typically respond in a dismissive or angry manner.
19. Inauthentic Helpfulness
Gaslighting employees will “pretend” to help out their peers, although their attempts are manipulative. For example, they might insist they’re almost done with a specific project when they haven’t even started. Or, they lie and spread a rumor about everyone in the department getting raises even though that isn’t the case.
20. Hypocrisy
Gaslighting bosses may be overly strict on certain policies when it comes to their employees, only to disregard those rules themselves. For example, they might talk about the importance of showing up to work on time even when they arrive late most mornings. If confronted, they will often deny their wrongdoing and attempt to somehow blame the accuser.
Final Thoughts
If someone is chronically gaslighting you, it’s normal to feel frustrated, confused, hurt, and guilty. It’s important to remind yourself that their actions are not your fault. Knowing how gaslighting works- and being mindful of the common gaslighting examples- can help you break free from this form of abuse.
If you feel trapped in your relationship (or the gaslighting hasn’t stopped even after you have left), you may benefit from seeking professional support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore your thoughts and feelings. Find an online therapist with experience in treating emotional abuse- a therapist directory is a great place to start your search.
Additional Resources
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For Further Reading
For more information on gaslighting and emotional abuse support, check out the following organizations:
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Gaslighting Examples Infographics
