Arousal Non-Concordance: What It Is & Why It Happens

What Is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance happens because the part of our brain that controls the liking, wanting, and reward neural pathways associates certain things with sex, like smells, words, certain types of touch, and so on. When we experience those things, our brain triggers our nerves, activating our physiological arousal responses.

If, at the moment, you are not mentally or emotionally aroused and aren’t in the mood, then your desire is not aligning with your physiological response to whatever triggered your body to think about sex. For example, you’re laying in bed, exhausted, and watching that final episode of your favorite show for the night, and your partner starts massaging your leg. You’re thinking, “I’m not in the mood, don’t bother,” but your body is already responding, and blood is rushing to your genitals. Why? Because your partner’s routine way of initiating sex is by starting with a light massage. Your brain now associates your partner’s massage with sex.

Types of Arousal

There are three types of arousal: mental, physical, and emotional, and they all influence each other. Mental arousal is our thoughts. When we are interested in something, we’re alert and attentive. Mental arousal is closely tied to emotional arousal, which are our feelings. If we are interested in or enjoying something, emotions are tied to that. We might feel excited about trying something new, appreciated after receiving praise, or even angry after fighting with our partner. Physical arousal can fluctuate depending on our emotional and mental state and how we engage with our environment. Arousal non-concordance occurs when one or more of the arousal types are not aligning.

What Causes Arousal Non-Concordance?

There are many reasons a person might experience arousal non-concordance. If you’re mentally thinking about sex and maybe just watched a movie that sparked some interest in the idea, but you’re feeling emotionally and physically drained after a long day at work, you’re likely to experience arousal non-concordance. There are many different ways that the different forms of arousal can impede each other and step on the sexual breaks.

Arousal non-concordance is also common for those who have medical issues, have experienced abuse, or for those who have received negative messages about sex being bad or disgusting. In these situations, it is common for the body to become physically aroused but not emotionally or mentally.

The following people are more likely to experience arousal non concordance than others:

• Women: Research has shown that females are more likely to experience arousal non-concordance, with only around 10% overlap between a woman’s sexual desire and how her body is responding to it.¹ Quite a difference from a man that experiences a 50% overlap. Genital arousal for women is important for creating lubrication which protects from tearing, infection, and to keep the vulva clean.
• People experiencing a lot of stress: Stress can impact all three types of arousal which can impact how they align. Some people experience increased physical arousal due to increased blood flow during times of stress, while others experience difficulty becoming aroused due to mental and emotional distress.
• People with hormone imbalances: Hormones play a major role in sexual arousal. According to research, shifts in estrogen and testosterone due to imbalances or increased age can play a major role in erections, lubrication, pain, libido and genital sensation.²
• People with physical or mental disabilities: People with physical or mental health disabilities can experience arousal non-concordance for many reasons. Due to stigma or shame, their levels of cortisol might be higher during sexual interactions which might impact their emotional and or physical arousal. The mental or physical disability itself might impact hormonal levels and the ability to be emotionally or mentally aroused.
• People with a history of trauma: Someone who has experienced trauma might become easily dysregulated during any stage of sexual interaction, promoting confusion and non-concordance when becoming aroused. This is especially common with someone that has experienced sexual abuse.
• People with limited experience: People that have not engaged in sex or that are early in their sexual exploration might feel unsure or uncomfortable with the experience and that might cause a misalignment with their desire and being aroused.
• People given misinformation: It’s not uncommon for children to be sheltered from sex and sexuality, or told that sex is bad. This can create a lot of fear, shame, and discomfort around sex and the idea of becoming aroused.

How to Cope With Arousal Non-Concordance

Arousal non-concordance can be a confusing and disheartening experience. It’s not uncommon for someone to feel inadequate or experience sexual frustration. It might feel like your body or mind is betraying you if it doesn’t seem to be aligning with your desires.

Experiencing arousal non-concordance can impact relationships by diminishing a person’s desire to engage sexually with their partner if they are worried they won’t become physically aroused. It’s also important to know that physical arousal in nonconsensual situations does not mean there is a desire or that it gives consent.

Some coping strategies for arousal non-concordance include:

Understand Sexual Desire & Frequency Varies From Person to Person

It is normal for each person to have different desires and sexual needs. It is also normal for people to have thoughts or experiences that put the breaks on arousal. To find ways to adapt and attune to what arouses you emotionally, mentally, and physically, you must first start paying attention to what you like and don’t like.

It’s also common for what arouses you today to not always work in the future. Keep an open mind and continue to explore your sexual desire. Be honest with yourself and try to honor your sexual cravings. Work with your partner to align your arousal needs and keep it interesting and explorative.

Ask For What You Want When You Want It

Once you have worked to identify what you like and don’t like, honor that. Tell your partner when it feels good and when it doesn’t. Tell them when you are in the mood and when you aren’t. The more you honor your body, the more you will be able to trust in yourself.

There are plenty of different forms of stimulation. It can range from reading a romantic novel together to using a vibrator. Learning how you and your partner prefer to receive feedback can help identify the most arousing forms of stimulation.

Try New Things

Finding yourself feeling sexually bored? Maybe even pretending to be asleep? Maybe it is time to try and spice things up by trying new things. Research different types of sex play and different sensual experiences and give them a go!

If they aren’t cutting it, then move on to something else. Life is too short to stay stuck in the monotony of the same old boring sex routine. If your partner isn’t feeling the same and likes to stick to traditional things, indulge in yourself. Treat yourself to some sex toys and explore your body. Individual exploration can also help you identify things you enjoy that can be relayed to your partner.

Use Lubrication or Toys

If you’re struggling with physical arousal whether due to being stressed, hormones, or insecurities, help yourself to some lubrication or different sex toys. Accessories can help with issues with becoming wet, lack of sensitivity, and pain.

Work on Improving Communication and Emotional Intimacy

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner and thinking this might be impacting your emotional and mental arousal, then take a step back and start with the basics. Reconnect with your partner. Engage in emotionally intimate moments without the intention of being sexual.

Understanding Physiological Arousal is Not Consent

It cannot be said enough that physical arousal is by no means consent. Arousal non-concordance has become an important topic of conversation because of the increase in awareness of sexual assault. Women becoming physically aroused even when something unwanted or distressing is happening to them is a common experience. Physical arousal doesn’t mean the woman secretly desires whatever is happening to her or that her body desires it, instead, physical arousal can occur because of the natural response to maintain and protect the vulva.

The only form of appropriate consent is verbal consent. Anything other than that is non-consensual. If someone is initiating sex and you are questioning it, having doubts, or not feeling emotionally or mentally on board, consider honoring those experiences. Take a step back and check in on what your body and mind is telling you.

Treatment Options for Arousal Non-Concordance

Arousal non-concordance can be a common experience that can be caused by many different things and it can be coped with in many different ways. However, if you are finding that you have done all the research and tried all the things mentioned above, plus some, then it might be time to consider professional treatment options.

Seeking professional support can help you identify if there are any medical concerns to take into consideration and to get to the underlying cause of why you emotionally, mentally, and physically are not aligning when it comes to arousal.

Treatment options for arousal non-concordance include:

• Treating underlying health issues: Meeting with a professional that specializes in sexual dysfunctions or issues can be relieving. It takes away the feeling that you are doing something wrong or failing in some way. Once the issue has been identified you can begin the treatment process.
• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy can help processing through any trauma or life stressors that might be hindering your ability to become aroused.
• Sex therapy: Sex therapy can help by working with you to identify ways to manage sexual dysfunction, can support you in identifying different techniques to align the different types of arousal and to align with your partner.
• Couples therapy: If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner, struggling to feel like you are able to emotionally connect, couples therapy can be very helpful.

When to Seek Professional Help for Arousal Non-Concordance

If you are experiencing any pain, inability to become erect, lacking libido or sensitivity, consider seeing a medical professional first in order to rule out any hormonal or other medical complications. Once you have ruled this out or identified the issue, you can then begin looking into a sex therapist or other psychotherapy professional.

You aren’t alone in this experience and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider looking into the online therapist directory to find the right therapist. If you have limited options in your area, lack of transportation or feel more comfortable doing the work from home, there are also online therapy options.

In My Experience

In my experience there is so much shame and misinformation around sex, arousal and desire. It is so important to have these conversations with ourselves and our partners in order to stop the cycle. We all deserve to be able to enjoy our bodies and appreciate all of its different desires and forms of arousal. It’s important to know that arousal non-concordance is common and it doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying yourself. Seek support, get your questions and concerns answered, and begin your journey on a path to amazing (consensual) sex.