Avoidant Personality Disorder in Relationships

What Is Avoidant Personality Disorder?

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a personality disorder characterized by pervasive feelings of inadequacy and subsequent hypersensitivity to rejection.¹ Symptoms of AVPD result in one’s avoidance of social interactions, unless they know with certainty they will be well accepted by peers. Unfortunately, this behavior poses significant challenges when it comes to forming relationships, as well as impairments in other aspects of life.

Avoidant Personality Disorder in Relationships

Avoidance behavior can lead to relational problems, such as lack of communication in relationships, and contribute to mutual feelings of resentment, frustration, and even relationship burnout. While an AVPD partner’s personal fears of rejection will certainly affect their partnership, social withdrawal and exhaustion may also impact their relationships with others–including friends, family members, and other couples.

Symptoms of avoidant personality disorder that may impact relationships include:

• Low self-esteem: Research shows that those with low self-esteem experience more relationship dissatisfaction when compared with those with high self-esteem.² Insecurities may lead someone to believe that their partner views them in a negative light. Feelings of inferiority can also manifest as reassurance-seeking behaviors or jealousy toward others that receive a partner’s attention.
• The belief that one is socially inept: A person with AVPD usually believes that they lack the ability to socialize “correctly” or “well enough.” This mindset can lead to acute social withdrawal, which can stunt the social life of a couple and cause further frustration in a relationship.
• Avoidance of new activities: Not having a social life may increase one’s dependency on their partner. When someone with AVPD actively avoids new experiences and social interactions, their partner can become annoyed with this behavior.
• Fear of embarrassment or ridicule: A hyperfixation on insecurities can result in one having to either give in to their AVPD partner’s avoidance or risk upsetting them by continuing to socialize.
• Withdrawing or isolating oneself: Research shows that social isolation has significant negative effects on a person’s mental health. Such withdrawal may drive a wedge in avoidant personality disorder relationships, as one or both partners may believe that their needs are not being met.
• Latching on to rejection: Because those with AVPD are highly attuned to perceived rejection, their partner may feel that they can’t say or express how they’re really feeling in a relationship.
• Hypersensitivity to others’ emotions: Because they are constantly looking for signs of criticism, those individuals with AVPD are particularly perceptive to others’ behaviors and emotions. Such obsession may lead to inaccurate inferences about how a non-AVPD partner is feeling, causing miscommunication and conflict in the relationship.
• Inhibition in relationships: Someone diagnosed with AVPD may struggle to open up with their partner and others due to their fear of being shamed or ridiculed. Unfortunately, openly sharing emotions and thoughts in a partnership is critical. The non-AVPD partner may become uncertain of the other’s commitment to their relationship.
• Exhaustion from socialization: Those with AVPD may experience more exhaustion and burnout from social interactions than their non-AVPD partners. This can create conflict if a partner’s social needs are overlooked and neglected.

Impacts of Avoidant Personality Disorder Relationships

If your partner has been diagnosed with AVPD, you might notice yourself becoming increasingly frustrated with their avoidance behaviors. Additionally, constantly worrying about what not to say can be exhausting. Over time, you may feel conflicted about how to balance your needs and your partner’s.

Impacts of avoidant personality disorder romantic relationships on a partner may include:

• Feeling helpless
• Frustration
• Feeling exhausted by efforts to reassure
• Being afraid to say anything that may be perceived as criticism or rejection
• Feeling neglected or underappreciated
• Lack of social fulfillment
• Confliction about how to balance personal needs

Loving Someone With Avoidant Personality Disorder

Supporting someone with AVPD may seem difficult at first, but there are ways to effectively communicate with and understand your partner. Whether you’re friends with, dating, or married to someone with avoidant personality disorder, it can be helpful to educate yourself about their diagnosis, ask them what their needs are, and be patient.

Here are seven ways to improve an avoidant personality disorder relationship:

1. Educate yourself: Understanding AVPD can help you empathize with your partner, thus decreasing the risk of misunderstandings in your relationship.
2. Offer validation: Validation is a way to show a loved one with AVPD that you see and understand how they’re feeling (even if you don’t agree with them). Validating helps them feel supported and seen, rather than rejected or ridiculed. This can help further develop closeness and trust in your relationship.
3. Ask how you can show support: Your AVPD partner may have certain ideas about how they want to be supported–such as using a code word at social gatherings when they feel uncomfortable. Offering support grants both of you an opportunity to problem solve.
4. Get creative about outings: Getting creative about social outings and date ideas can help your AVPD partner ease into new experiences. Consider suggesting activities in public spaces that don’t necessarily involve interacting with others, like going for a walk or planning a picnic.
5. Reward small successes: Even if you don’t view social interactions as difficult, acknowledging when your AVPD loved one agrees to participate in outings is important. Celebrate their achievement to engage, as they risked perceived rejection from others. Avoid statements that may be interpreted as criticism, such as “that wasn’t too bad.”
6. Be patient: Showing your ADVP partner a willingness to be patient may increase their desire to pursue future social interactions. When the pressure to engage is taken away, they may feel more comfortable with trying a new experience. Similarly, if they accuse you of criticism, be patient and hear them out, instead of immediately defending yourself or undermining their opinion.
7. Find a balance between their needs & your own: If your partner’s needs are always top-priority, self-care can easily fall to the wayside. Just because your partner doesn’t want to engage in social activities, you shouldn’t feel as though you’re obligated to do so, too. It’s okay and healthy for you to make sure that you are socially fulfilled.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’re struggling with avoidant behaviors, negative self-perception, and fear of criticism that’s interfering with your life, it may be time to seek professional help. Choosing not to do so for fear of rejection may also be a clear indicator that finding support is important. Psychotherapy is believed to be one of the most effective treatments for AVDP and there are many different options to explore. Choosing a therapist can be done easily using a free online therapist directory.

Below are some therapy options to consider if you’re looking to manage your AVDP symptoms:³

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT involves identifying and modifying problematic thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors.
• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy may also be beneficial, as it explores the unconscious and underlying factors that are influencing your feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
• Social skills training: In these settings, those with AVPD can learn to develop skills to help increase their confidence within social settings.
• Couples therapy: Many avoidant personality disorder relationships can improve with couples therapy, but it can be especially helpful when one or both partners are diagnosed with AVPD. A couples therapist will encourage those with AVPD to increase awareness of their avoidant tendencies and learn how these behaviors affect their partner. In addition, the non-AVPD partner will learn to identify triggering responses and actions.

Final Thoughts

While dealing with avoidant personality disorder in relationships can be tough, there are ways you and your partner can overcome underlying issues. With time and effort, you can create a partnership that feels healthy and fulfilling, in which both partners’ needs are met and valued.