Breakup Sex: Pros, Cons, & Why We Have It

What Is Breakup Sex?

Breakup sex is actually relatively common and both young people as well as older people are engaging in it. One study showed that 27% of 17- to 24-year-olds reported having sex with an ex within a 2-year period.¹ Another study revealed that 22% of people who were separated from their married partner reported engaging in sex with their separated partner within the last 4 months.²

Additionally, breakup sex appears to be initiated by both men and women alike.³ Other findings show that both the person that initiated the breakup and the person that was rejected are equally likely to reach out for breakup sex.⁴ Therefore, breakup sex is something that many individuals are seeking following the loss of a relationship.

Why People Have Breakup Sex

After the loss of a relationship, it is common to experience feelings of sadness and loss and to reflect on the positive aspects of the relationship, even if there weren’t many of them. These feelings of sadness can make one question whether ending the relationship was the right thing to do and may lead them to contact their ex. Continuing communication and engagement with an ex can help ease the sadness and stress the loss brings.

Additionally, sex is a biological need for many humans. For many, it can feel easier and safer to seek familiarity when trying to meet that need. Sex brings feelings of fun and pleasure that most of us seek and it is often easier to engage in sex with someone we know. It can be easier both in terms of access but also in terms of comfort.

Common reasons people have breakup sex include:

You Want to Get Back Together

If you were the one that was rejected, you most likely did not want the relationship to end. Seeking ongoing sexual engagement can be a way to try to win your ex back and maintain the relationship. Sometimes even the initiator of the breakup may question their decision to end the relationship and want to get back together. Breakup sex can be one way to rekindle the relationship.

You Still Have Feelings for Them

Perhaps you know the relationship is over but you still have feelings for your ex. After all, they are someone you loved and they were a significant part of your life for a period of time. Those feelings don’t just disappear right away. Breakup sex can be one way to express these feelings and ease the pain of the separation.

To Fill an Emotional Void

After a breakup, most people feel a sense of loneliness and an emotional void in their life. You are used to having a partner to do things with and someone to be around. These feelings often dissipate with time and especially when you start seeing someone new. However, in the interim, breakup sex can help minimize the feelings of loneliness and the void one feels.

To Test if There Are Still Feelings

In any relationship, there are good and bad, ups and downs. Identifying how we feel about our ex after a breakup can sometimes feel confusing, especially if you’ve tried to be friends with your ex after the break up. We may miss them at times and feel a sense of relief that the relationship is over at other times. Breakup sex can be one way people test their feelings for their ex. Breakup sex can help you identify if there is still something there to rekindle or if you are truly ready to move forward.

Sexual Gratification 

Although you are no longer in a relationship, you still have sexual urges and needs. For many people, their ex may still be more accessible than trying to find someone new to fulfill these needs. Additionally, many people prefer sex with someone they know and are comfortable with rather than with someone new. So breakup sex can be a way for both partners to get these needs met.

Pros of Breakup Sex

Breakup can have potential benefits including bringing closure to the end of the relationship and highlighting the positive aspects of the relationship. It can also help ease the painful emotions a breakup brings. Additionally, sex can bring feelings of general stress relief from daily life.

Some benefits of breakup sex include:

Helps You Move On From the Relationship

The ending of a relationship is a loss in one’s life. It can trigger stages of grief in divorce or breakup grief in a relationship. It takes time for people to move through these feelings of loss and this can be a very painful, difficult time. Breakup sex may offer a sense of closure that can help people move on from someone they love.

Validates the Good Parts of a Relationship

Every relationship has its pros and cons. For many couples, the physical aspect of the relationship may not be the problem. In other words, the sex may not have been the thing that led to the relationship ending. Sex may have been something in the relationship that was working well. Therefore, it may be hard to let go of. Breakup sex can also remind us and highlight that there were positive aspects to the relationship, despite the difficulties.

It Can Bring Feelings of Pleasure and Relieve Stress

When we engage in sex, our bodies release feel-good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. These hormones bring us feelings of pleasure, excitement, and connection, which help us feel better, at least temporarily. The act of sex can decrease our feelings of sadness and relieve tension and stress.

Cons of Breakup Sex

Breakup sex has the potential for negative feelings as well.Depending upon the circumstances, breakup sex could lead to an increase in hurt feelings. It can also lead to feelings of regret after the breakup sex is over. Additionally, depending upon your current emotional state, it may actually prolong your ability to move forward from the relationship.

Some disadvantages of breakup sex include:

Can Cause Misunderstandings & Hurt

Motivation to engage in breakup sex can vary from person to person. If you and your ex are both in the same emotional space and are engaging in sex for the same reasons, issues will be minimized. However, if people aren’t on the same page, it can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. For example, if one person wants to rekindle the relationship but the other is simply missing sex, this can lead to painful emotions for one or both parties.

Sexual Regret

Sometimes breakup sex may seem like a good idea initially but it doesn’t always pan out that way. Although we may be craving intimacy and the act itself may feel good, feelings of regret can sometimes follow. This can be especially true for women. Studies conducted about sexual regret show that women experience feelings of regret about sexual actions more often than men.⁵

Can Prolong the Healing Process 

When we engage in sex, our bodies produce hormones that lead us to bond with our sexual partner. If you have been working on detaching from your ex, sex may lead to feelings of reattachment that begin the process all over again. Sex may lead to an increase in confusion about our feelings toward that person and delay us from truly moving on.

When to Seek Professional Support

A breakup is a significant event and loss in our life, especially if it was a long-term committed relationship. We may be having difficulty moving forward and questioning whether or not ending the relationship was the right decision. If you are uncertain about your feelings toward your ex, struggling to move on, contemplating re-engaging in the relationship (even if just sexually), or regretting having breakup sex, seeking the help of a counselor can be beneficial in guiding you through the process. For help in locating a therapist, you can read more about how to choose a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. An online therapist directory can also be a good starting point in locating a therapist.

In My Experience

In my experience with the individuals and couples I have worked with, ending a relationship is extremely difficult and often comes with lots of feelings of confusion. As a result, it is not uncommon for people to experience a period of back and forth with their ex, whether that means ongoing verbal or physical contact. I recommend that people going through a breakup have patience with themself and with the process. You will get where you need to go with time. Practice self-compassion and make sure you are taking care of yourself. Seeking some extra support and guidance can also be very helpful in navigating the ups and downs.