Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex: 10 Tips From a Therapist

Why Is Putting Effort Into Positive Co-Parenting Important?

Many parents worry about the effects of divorce on children, which is absolutely understandable. However, if a divorce is handled in healthy ways, these impacts fail in comparison to those of remaining in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.

Positive communication and contact between adult caregivers, specifically parents, encourages social and emotional development in children. Children with parents who work well together and foster their co-parenting relationship are better equipped for developing healthy relationships themselves.¹

As difficult as it can be, working to peacefully co-parent with a toxic ex will be beneficial to all parties involved. When able to do so, co-parenting in productive ways should be a goal for all caregivers, no matter the age of the child.

Positive co-parenting can help a child:

• Feel safe and secure: Conflict can be scary for children, especially if it gets out of hand. Without constant exposure to arguments between parents, a child will feel safer.
• Meet developmental milestones: Creating a healthy co-parenting dynamic removes children from a toxic situation. This allows them to remain focused on age-appropriate things, which is crucial for their development.
• Feel supported and loved: When parents work together to prioritize their child’s needs, their child will feel supported, loved, and important.
• Better regulate emotions: No matter how parents handle their separation, it will likely bring about negative emotions in their child. Having parents who handle their tough feelings in healthy ways allows a child to learn ways to do the same on their own.
• Develop healthy relationships: Children learn by example. Watching their caregivers focus on creating a healthy co-parent relationship can help them develop positive relationships in the future.
• Learn how to manage conflict: Conflict is an inevitable aspect of life. Having caregivers who can manage it effectively teaches children that not only is conflict okay, but that it can be overcome.

Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?

Of course, we want a conflict-free environment for our children. But, it can be difficult to reduce exposure to parental quarrels when one parent is trying to create chaos. In these cases, co-parenting with a toxic ex may be practiced through parallel parenting. This includes limited interaction between separated partners except when necessary.

While it may seem impossible at times, there are steps you can take to decrease some of the stress of co-parenting or parallel parenting with a toxic ex. It’s important to be prepared for their immature behavior, attempts to manipulate the situation, and efforts to disobey court orders. This will feel like an uphill battle at times, but stay strong and focus on providing a safe space for your child.

10 Tips for Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex

There are a number of steps a person can take to ensure that their co-parenting relationship remains as healthy and conflict-free as possible. Creating a smooth transition into a new dynamic for your child is important. Your efforts to do so and maintain a positive relationship with your ex, no matter how toxic, will be beneficial to both you and your child.²

Below are 10 tips for co-parenting with a toxic ex:

1. Set Realistic Boundaries

While setting healthy co-parenting boundaries is important in any situation, it is essential when co-parenting with a toxic ex. For example, you do not have to permit unscheduled visits or phone calls after a certain time. If your ex requests an adjustment to their designated custody days, you do not have to agree unless explicitly instructed to do so by a court.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Prioritizing self-care is essential when attempting to co-parent with a toxic ex. There are many benefits of self-care, as it can help reduce stress, increase focus, and improve physical well-being. Additionally, focusing on fulfilling your emotional and mental needs can help prevent parental burnout or toxic stress. Try to find time every day for self-care, even if only for a few moments. For example, take a minute for quiet reflection in your car before going to work.

3. Model Compassion

Your child’s mental health should always be prioritized. Unfortunately, this sometimes means that you will have to ignore or disengage from your ex’s antics and attempts to create chaos. When you do have to interact with them, be sure to model positive behavior, especially when your child is present. A stable environment, free of parental arguments and conflict, can lessen the stress divorce can have on a child. It can also lower their risk for childhood depression or childhood anxiety.²

4. Seek Social Support

Parallel or co-parenting is challenging, particularly for those with toxic ex-partners. Because of this, seeking support is essential. Reach out to loved ones who can understand your situation and provide objective insight and guidance. You can also consider joining online or in-person support groups.

5. Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex

As difficult as this can be at times, refrain from framing your ex in a negative light. When your children are present, do not talk about your ex-partner with others unless in a neutral sense. Instead of using hurtful language, focus on staying unbiased. For instance, when discussing holidays, use statements such as, “[Your child] can’t come to Thanksgiving because they will be with [the other parent].” Avoid bashing or bad mouthing your ex; even if your words are true, they can make you look vindictive and put your child in the middle of conflict.

6. Follow Court Orders Exactly

Don’t create problems by changing plans or going against court orders. A toxic person will waste no time in informing a judge that you disobeyed your agreement. They could even use this as a way to practice parental alienation with your child. Remember to follow every order and rule set in place to remain fair and favorable in the court’s eyes. Not doing so could risk a custody battle or other related issues.

7. Be Consistent

Children crave consistency, and this is also important for their overall well-being. Even though co-parenting with a toxic ex can be draining, it is crucial to remain as consistent as possible . Stick to the plan–follow all of the rules, schedules, and disciplines you have established. Do not let your ex’s efforts to disrupt your life create confusion for your child.

8. Eliminate Unnecessary Communication

As when parallel parenting, try to limit communication between you and your ex to issues related specifically to the well-being of your child. Any unnecessary back-and-forth can open doors to arguments or conflict that could otherwise be avoided. Focus on only discussing topics such as childcare, school schedules, appointments, and the like.

9. Use Apps to Communicate

Use court recommended apps to communicate, such as “My Family Wizard,” “2 Houses,” and “Talking Parents.” These apps are monitored, which can help eliminate the risk of your ex using hurtful language with you or coercing you into making certain changes. Additionally, this ensures that everything your ex says to you is recorded and can be revisited if needed.

10. Draft Communications Before Sending

Before sending a text, email, or other form of communication to your ex, be sure to save it as a draft and take a step back. This decreases the likelihood of firing off an emotion-fueled response before having the chance to re-read, edit, and think it through. This is important when co-parenting with a toxic ex, because anything you say or do may be used against you.

When to Seek Professional Help

If an ex is willing to compromise and remain respectful, divorce counseling or co-parenting counseling can be beneficial. However, this should only be pursued if the ex-partner is open to communicating in healthy ways, as co-parenting counseling can be re-traumatizing for the healthy parent. If the toxic ex has been abusive in the past, or displays signs of a personality disorder, engaging in therapy together is not recommended.

A therapist who specializes in post-separation abuse, psychological abuse, and parallel parenting can help you with receiving individual support. If you are looking for an alternative to a traditional therapy setting, there are many online therapy options to choose from, too. You can start finding the right therapist for yourself by searching an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Whether you are attempting to co-parent with a healthy ex-partner, or parallel parent with a toxic one, your experience will undoubtedly be stressful. Remaining civil, focusing on yourself and your child, and seeking support can help decrease this burden.