• Mental Health
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • ADHD
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy
      • Online Therapy for Teens
      • Best LGBTQ Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy for Insurance
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Grief Counselors
    • Online Therapists
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
  • Mental Health
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • ADHD
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy
      • Online Therapy for Teens
      • Best LGBTQ Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy for Insurance
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Grief Counselors
    • Online Therapists
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
Skip to content

Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex: 10 Tips From a Therapist

Published: March 9, 2023 Updated: March 17, 2023
Published: 03/09/2023 Updated: 03/17/2023
Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS
Written by:

Kaytee Gillis

LCSW-BACS
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO
  • Why Is Putting Effort Into Positive Co-Parenting Important?Is Positive Co-Parenting Important?
  • Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?
  • Tips for Co-Parenting With a Toxic ExHow to Co-Parent With a Toxic Ex
  • Set Realistic Boundaries1. Set Boundaries
  • Prioritize Self-Care2. Prioritize Self-Care
  • Model Compassion3. Model Compassion
  • Seek Social Support4. Seek Social Support
  • Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex5. Don't Bad-Mouth Your Ex
  • Follow Court Orders Exactly6. Follow Court Orders
  • Be Consistent7. Be Consistent
  • Eliminate Unnecessary Communication8. Limit Communication
  • Use Apps to Communicate9. Use Communication Apps
  • Draft Communications Before Sending10. Draft Before Sending
  • When to Seek Professional HelpWhen to Seek Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex InfographicsInfographics
Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS
Written by:

Kaytee Gillis

LCSW-BACS
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO

Parenting can be a difficult job, but having to co-parent with a toxic or abusive ex brings this challenge to a new level. From trying to sabotage your positive efforts to creating legal trouble, a nasty ex can make co-parenting extremely stressful. However, it is possible to do so in healthy ways, all while ensuring the safety of your child.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Why Is Putting Effort Into Positive Co-Parenting Important?

Many parents worry about the effects of divorce on children, which is absolutely understandable. However, if a divorce is handled in healthy ways, these impacts fail in comparison to those of remaining in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.

Positive communication and contact between adult caregivers, specifically parents, encourages social and emotional development in children. Children with parents who work well together and foster their co-parenting relationship are better equipped for developing healthy relationships themselves.1

As difficult as it can be, working to peacefully co-parent with a toxic ex will be beneficial to all parties involved. When able to do so, co-parenting in productive ways should be a goal for all caregivers, no matter the age of the child.

Positive co-parenting can help a child:

  • Feel safe and secure: Conflict can be scary for children, especially if it gets out of hand. Without constant exposure to arguments between parents, a child will feel safer.
  • Meet developmental milestones: Creating a healthy co-parenting dynamic removes children from a toxic situation. This allows them to remain focused on age-appropriate things, which is crucial for their development.
  • Feel supported and loved: When parents work together to prioritize their child’s needs, their child will feel supported, loved, and important.
  • Better regulate emotions: No matter how parents handle their separation, it will likely bring about negative emotions in their child. Having parents who handle their tough feelings in healthy ways allows a child to learn ways to do the same on their own.
  • Develop healthy relationships: Children learn by example. Watching their caregivers focus on creating a healthy co-parent relationship can help them develop positive relationships in the future.
  • Learn how to manage conflict: Conflict is an inevitable aspect of life. Having caregivers who can manage it effectively teaches children that not only is conflict okay, but that it can be overcome.

Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?

Of course, we want a conflict-free environment for our children. But, it can be difficult to reduce exposure to parental quarrels when one parent is trying to create chaos. In these cases, co-parenting with a toxic ex may be practiced through parallel parenting. This includes limited interaction between separated partners except when necessary.

While it may seem impossible at times, there are steps you can take to decrease some of the stress of co-parenting or parallel parenting with a toxic ex. It’s important to be prepared for their immature behavior, attempts to manipulate the situation, and efforts to disobey court orders. This will feel like an uphill battle at times, but stay strong and focus on providing a safe space for your child.

10 Tips for Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex

There are a number of steps a person can take to ensure that their co-parenting relationship remains as healthy and conflict-free as possible. Creating a smooth transition into a new dynamic for your child is important. Your efforts to do so and maintain a positive relationship with your ex, no matter how toxic, will be beneficial to both you and your child.2

Below are 10 tips for co-parenting with a toxic ex:

1. Set Realistic Boundaries

While setting healthy co-parenting boundaries is important in any situation, it is essential when co-parenting with a toxic ex. For example, you do not have to permit unscheduled visits or phone calls after a certain time. If your ex requests an adjustment to their designated custody days, you do not have to agree unless explicitly instructed to do so by a court.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Prioritizing self-care is essential when attempting to co-parent with a toxic ex. There are many benefits of self-care, as it can help reduce stress, increase focus, and improve physical well-being. Additionally, focusing on fulfilling your emotional and mental needs can help prevent parental burnout or toxic stress. Try to find time every day for self-care, even if only for a few moments. For example, take a minute for quiet reflection in your car before going to work.

3. Model Compassion

Your child’s mental health should always be prioritized. Unfortunately, this sometimes means that you will have to ignore or disengage from your ex’s antics and attempts to create chaos. When you do have to interact with them, be sure to model positive behavior, especially when your child is present. A stable environment, free of parental arguments and conflict, can lessen the stress divorce can have on a child. It can also lower their risk for childhood depression or childhood anxiety.2

4. Seek Social Support

Parallel or co-parenting is challenging, particularly for those with toxic ex-partners. Because of this, seeking support is essential. Reach out to loved ones who can understand your situation and provide objective insight and guidance. You can also consider joining online or in-person support groups.

5. Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex

As difficult as this can be at times, refrain from framing your ex in a negative light. When your children are present, do not talk about your ex-partner with others unless in a neutral sense. Instead of using hurtful language, focus on staying unbiased. For instance, when discussing holidays, use statements such as, “[Your child] can’t come to Thanksgiving because they will be with [the other parent].” Avoid bashing or bad mouthing your ex; even if your words are true, they can make you look vindictive and put your child in the middle of conflict.

6. Follow Court Orders Exactly

Don’t create problems by changing plans or going against court orders. A toxic person will waste no time in informing a judge that you disobeyed your agreement. They could even use this as a way to practice parental alienation with your child. Remember to follow every order and rule set in place to remain fair and favorable in the court’s eyes. Not doing so could risk a custody battle or other related issues.

7. Be Consistent

Children crave consistency, and this is also important for their overall well-being. Even though co-parenting with a toxic ex can be draining, it is crucial to remain as consistent as possible . Stick to the plan–follow all of the rules, schedules, and disciplines you have established. Do not let your ex’s efforts to disrupt your life create confusion for your child.

8. Eliminate Unnecessary Communication

As when parallel parenting, try to limit communication between you and your ex to issues related specifically to the well-being of your child. Any unnecessary back-and-forth can open doors to arguments or conflict that could otherwise be avoided. Focus on only discussing topics such as childcare, school schedules, appointments, and the like.

9. Use Apps to Communicate

Use court recommended apps to communicate, such as “My Family Wizard,” “2 Houses,” and “Talking Parents.” These apps are monitored, which can help eliminate the risk of your ex using hurtful language with you or coercing you into making certain changes. Additionally, this ensures that everything your ex says to you is recorded and can be revisited if needed.

10. Draft Communications Before Sending

Before sending a text, email, or other form of communication to your ex, be sure to save it as a draft and take a step back. This decreases the likelihood of firing off an emotion-fueled response before having the chance to re-read, edit, and think it through. This is important when co-parenting with a toxic ex, because anything you say or do may be used against you.

When to Seek Professional Help

If an ex is willing to compromise and remain respectful, divorce counseling or co-parenting counseling can be beneficial. However, this should only be pursued if the ex-partner is open to communicating in healthy ways, as co-parenting counseling can be re-traumatizing for the healthy parent. If the toxic ex has been abusive in the past, or displays signs of a personality disorder, engaging in therapy together is not recommended.

A therapist who specializes in post-separation abuse, psychological abuse, and parallel parenting can help you with receiving individual support. If you are looking for an alternative to a traditional therapy setting, there are many online therapy options to choose from, too. You can start finding the right therapist for yourself by searching an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Whether you are attempting to co-parent with a healthy ex-partner, or parallel parent with a toxic one, your experience will undoubtedly be stressful. Remaining civil, focusing on yourself and your child, and seeking support can help decrease this burden.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Parenting Newsletter

A free newsletter for those interested in mental health and parenting. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

Parent Coaching (for parents with younger children)

Manatee – Solution focused parent coaching. Engage in a systematic process of identifying, understanding, and finding solutions for the most common childhood behaviors. Free Consultation

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Virtual Psychiatry

Talkiatry – Get help from a real doctor that takes your insurance. Talkiatry offers medication management and online visits with top-rated psychiatrists. Take the online assessment and have your first appointment within a week. Free Assessment

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location.  Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by Manatee, BetterHelp, and Talkiatry.

For Further Reading

  • Best Books About Separation & Divorce
  • Communication while Parallel Parenting
  • How to get started with Parallel Parenting
  • How to know whether you need co-parenting or parallel parenting

Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Infographics

Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?   Tips for Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex   When to Seek Professional Help

3 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The Internal Structure and Ecological Context of Coparenting: A Framework for Research and Intervention. Parenting, 3(2), 95–131. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327922par0302_01

  • Buckley, C. (2013). Co-Parenting after Divorce: Opportunities and challenges. Clinical Science Insight. The Family Institute at Northwestern University.

  • Donahey, K. (2018) Effects of Divorce on Children: The Importance of Intervention,Intuition. The BYU Undergraduate Journal of Psychology: Vol. 13: Iss. 1, Article 3. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/intuition/vol13/iss1/3

Recent Articles

Maternal Gatekeeping: What It Is, Examples, & How to Stop
Maternal gatekeeping reflects a mother’s belief that she is the only one capable of providing care for her child....
';
Healthy Co-Parenting Boundaries to Try
10 Healthy Co-Parenting Boundaries to Try
Setting healthy co-parenting boundaries means establishing a mutual agreement on major aspects of shared parenting such as routines, rules,...
';
Peaceful Parenting: What It Is, Benefits, & Tips for Practice
Peaceful Parenting: What It Is, Benefits, & Tips for Practice
Peaceful parenting encourages parents to build strong, trusting relationships with their children by offering respect, empathy, and healthy communication....
';
Lawnmower Parents_ What They Are _ 10 Signs You May Be One
Lawnmower Parents: What They Are & Signs You May Be One
Lawnmower parents make every effort to pave the way for their children, making sure it is as clear and...
';
Do Parents Really Have Favorites_ X Things to Consider
Do Parents Really Have Favorites? 6 Things to Consider
While ideally, parents would treat kids equally, favoritism does happen in families. Unequal treatment of children can change over...
';
Parenting With Depression: 10 Tips From a Therapist
Parenting With Depression: 10 Tips From a Therapist
Depression is one of the three most common mental health disorders, and it takes a devastating toll on an...
';
Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS
Written by:

Kaytee Gillis

LCSW-BACS
Headshot of Meera Patel, DO
Reviewed by:

Meera Patel

DO
  • Why Is Putting Effort Into Positive Co-Parenting Important?Is Positive Co-Parenting Important?
  • Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?Is Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex Possible?
  • Tips for Co-Parenting With a Toxic ExHow to Co-Parent With a Toxic Ex
  • Set Realistic Boundaries1. Set Boundaries
  • Prioritize Self-Care2. Prioritize Self-Care
  • Model Compassion3. Model Compassion
  • Seek Social Support4. Seek Social Support
  • Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex5. Don't Bad-Mouth Your Ex
  • Follow Court Orders Exactly6. Follow Court Orders
  • Be Consistent7. Be Consistent
  • Eliminate Unnecessary Communication8. Limit Communication
  • Use Apps to Communicate9. Use Communication Apps
  • Draft Communications Before Sending10. Draft Before Sending
  • When to Seek Professional HelpWhen to Seek Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex InfographicsInfographics
If you are in need of immediate medical help:
Medical
Emergency
911
Suicide Hotline
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service
  • No Surprises Act
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
988
Click For More Crisis Hotlines
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
811
See more Crisis Hotlines
here
logo
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:
verify here.
This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.
Choosing Therapy Logo
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may visit Cookie Settings to provide controlled consent. Cookie settings ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

We use cookies to facilitate website functionality. Also, we use third-party cookies to track your website behavior and target advertising. These cookies are stored in your browser only with your consent, and you have the choice of opting out.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non Necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Save & Accept