Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) refers to instances in which a parent creates a barrier between their child and the other parent following a divorce or separation. The alienating parent will use lies, exaggerations, and accusations to program the child to respond in hostile or demeaning ways to the other parent. While PAS is not a true psychological disorder, the damage of it can be all too real.
What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) describes the set of symptoms and behaviors that children of separation or divorce exhibit when one parent is engaged in an active campaign to alienate the child from the other parent. This results in the child reflecting a strengthened alliance with the alienating parent and a coldness or hostility towards the alienated parent. In turn, PAS has ramifications for custody agreements, and has been explored both clinically (as a specific set of symptoms) and legally (as a means of determining custody decisions).1
PAS has been likened to a form of “brainwashing,” as one parent so convinces the child of the harm intended by the alienated parent that the child may even manufacture new evidence of the harm themselves. The widespread damage caused by this behavior can last for decades, and it can be considered a form of psychological child abuse.
What does Research Say About Parental Alienation Syndrome?
Around 1985, Richard Gardner, a psychiatrist who conducted child custody dispute evaluations, recognized a new pattern in his cases.2 Evidence that parents were attempting to alienate children from their ex-partners was appearing. Gardner noted that there were certain shared symptoms children were manifesting in these cases that suggested that their behavior was motivated by parental manipulation–not the behaviors of the targeted or alienated parent.
This set of symptoms remains problematic in that it can be difficult for clinicians and legal experts to assess the veracity of the claims being made about the alienated parent. Unfortunately, some children and alienating parents may be accused of exaggerating claims of mistreatment by the alienated parent, which can result in children being placed in risky and potentially abusive situations. In other cases, the alienating parent’s desire to maintain custody may lead them to brainwash their child against the other parent.
Parental Alienation Syndrome “Symptoms”
There are no actual symptoms of PAS. However, there are certain behaviors suggesting that one parent is engaged in efforts to alienate the child from the other parent. The controversy regarding these symptoms includes the risk that they may also reflect trauma occurring at the hands or in the care of the parent. In addition, children may be encouraged to spread falsehoods to avoid experiencing punishment by the alienating parent.
Here are the classic manifestations as described by Gardner:
- Denigration: A child who once showed affection and warmth towards the alienated parent now acts hostile, and makes disrespectful and hurtful comments towards the parent.
- Illogical rationalizations: When asked about their change of heart or new feelings about the alienated parent, a child is unable to produce any reason that makes objective sense. The challenged child might mention some frivolous or false reason, such as the parent’s clothing choices or the lack of the child’s favorite snacks at the alienated parent’s house.
- Lack of ambivalence: The child is fully committed to a dislike of the alienated parent. It’s not as if the child is thinking through or deliberating on their experiences with the parent–they simply state their negative feelings and refuse to back down or waver.
- The “Independent Thinker” phenomenon: The child takes total ownership of their hostile feelings, and consistently and sometimes forcefully denies that the other parent has anything to do with their sudden change of heart about the alienated parent.
- Lack of guilt: The child has no sense of guilt about the hostility or disrespect they show the alienated parent, and no amount of “atonement” by the alienated parent shifts their child’s feelings. Efforts to win back the affections of the child are ignored or even laughed at by the child.
- Unwavering support: The child’s loyalty and support of the parent who is shutting out the alienated parent is absolute. The child refuses to entertain the possibility that the alienated parent could be on the “right side” of any parental disagreement.
- “Borrowed” language: The child parrots back what the alienating parent tells them about the alienated parent. The child may use phrases and terms that are beyond their comprehension. They may also state what they claim to be “truths” about incidents that the alienating parent has fabricated and made up.
- Rejection of the alienated parent’s family: A child’s feelings of hostility may be extended to all of the family on the side of the alienated parents. Grandparents, cousins, and other family members may be subjected to the child’s disrespect and hostility as a component of their alienation.
10 Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome
There are signs that are evident when a parent is trying to alienate their child from another. In the case of acrimonious separations, ex-partners should be aware of the potential for alienation efforts. From changes in the child’s behavior to the ex-partner’s requests, parents and extended family members should note any unexpected actions or messages from a child or the other parent.
Here are 10 signs that parental alienation may be occurring:
- The alienator compares themselves to the other parent: In this case, the child is programmed to believe that the alienated parent is unfit to care for them. The alienating parent will point out ways in which they succeed at what the alienated parent fails at.
- The alienator insists that the child’s belongings stay at their house: This behavior reflects the saying that “possession is nine-tenths of the law.” This gives the alienator feelings of control and power over the alienated parent.
- The child is encouraged to resist spending time with the other parent: A parent may plan activities that the child would prefer over time spent with the other parent. This might include special outings, parties, and other “just this once” types of opportunities for the child.
- Positive remarks about the alienated parent are condemned: In addition to speaking ill of or bad-mouthing the alienated parent, the alienator treats the child poorly if they speak positively of or shares stories about pleasant time spent with the alienated parent.
- The alienator creates “tests” for the child: A child may be instructed to choose between the alienator and the alienated parent. For instance, if a holiday is coming up, the alienator may tell the child that while the holiday is “supposed” to be spent with the other parent, the alienator knows the child would rather spend the special day with them instead.
- Communication is kept at a minimum: The child’s communications with the alienated parent grow infrequent and are monitored by the alienating parent. The child may be kept from chatting with the alienated parent on the phone without the other parent present, or have their emails and text messages reviewed by the alienating parent.
- False stories are prevalent: The child is told lies and falsehoods about the alienated parent, and the alienator makes up stories about family members or romantic interests of the alienated parent.
- “Spying” behaviors: The child is asked to act as a “spy” when they spend time with the alienated parent. They are instructed to recount any calls or visits that occur when with the alienated parent. They may also be coached to “remember” things that did not occur.
- Information is hidden: An alienating parent may keep a child from providing necessary information to the alienated parent. This may include dates for important events in the child’s life, identities of the alienating parent’s friends or romantic interests, or other information that would provide helping insight for the alienated parent.
- Relationships are strained: A child may act increasingly fearful of the alienated parent, as they are fed lies and stories about the alienated parent’s intentions or activities.
Does Parental Alienation Syndrome Depend on the Parent?
PAS may occur at three levels: mild, moderate, and severe. In mild cases, the alienating parent may not be aware of what they are doing–they may be acting out of fear of losing their child’s affections, just as they may have lost their partner. In separations that are high conflict or in cases where one parent suffers from a personality disorder, there are greater chances that PAS might occur.
In general, the custodial parent has a greater opportunity to alienate another parent, and mothers have traditionally been more likely to be awarded custody. However, the gender split between alienating parents has evened out, as fathers and mothers are equally likely to engage in alienating behaviors.3
Effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome on Children
Unfortunately, the effects of PAS can be long lasting and devastating. While the parent is working to alienate the child’s affections from the other parent, they are damaging their child’s emotional wellbeing. Manipulation doesn’t just hurt the other parent, but the child, too.
PAS can lead a child to experience mental health disorders including childhood depression and anxiety. They may also experience trust issues that affect later adult relationships. When the person who claims to “love you most” has consistently and persistently lied to you, it is natural that problems surrounding honesty and authenticity would develop. Trust can bond a relationship for the long term–but once broken, it is exceedingly difficult to repair. Thus, a child may find it challenging to trust others who profess their love.
Negative effects of parental alienation syndrome may include:
- Increased anger in children
- Lack of empathy for others
- Feelings of powerlessness
- Low self-esteem
- Guilt by association (the child assumes if the alienated parent is “bad,” they, too, are also bad)
- Feeling neglected by the alienating parent
How Therapy can Help
If you or anyone in your family has had a parent who encouraged alienation of another parent, professional treatment can help you work through any lingering issues related to parental alienation syndrome. If a child you know is being subjected to this situation, therapy may prevent future harm to the child. By allowing the child to have a safe space to share their feelings, the child may be able to develop a more stable relationship with their alienated parent and with others. While we can never undo the adverse childhood events experienced, effective professional help can minimize the potential for continuing negative fallout from the event.
Therapy options to consider include:
- Family therapy: This provides a space where all of the members of a family can actively participate and share their own perspectives and experiences.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is designed to help change behaviors by changing one’s thoughts. When people get mired in patterns from childhood, they may need help to break free from negative thinking and reframe their thoughts.
- Play therapy: Play therapy can be helpful for children who are unable to verbalize their complicated feelings, and can be participated in individually or with sibling groups.
- Group therapy: Childhood patterns play out in adulthood in relation to others. In group therapy, adults are able to explore their behaviors, practice new responses, and get feedback from other group members as they work towards change.
How to Prevent Parental Alienation Syndrome
A parent can set up family dynamics to help keep PAS from affecting their kids, external loved ones, and extended family members.
Parents can help prevent parental alienation syndrome by:
- Encouraging open communication between all family members and involved parties so there is less room for secrets.
- Considering full custody if you feel that your ex-partner is poisoning your child against you and your side of the family. Parental alienation can be cause for changes in custody.
- Involving extended family members so that everyone is on the same page. This way, a child feels that they have a larger support network than just the alienating parent.
- Staying actively engaged in your child’s life. Make your interest and presence known by being present at school activities and extracurricular activities.
- Avoiding the temptation to belittle the other parent or to complain about the other parent’s actions to your child
- Seeking professional help–family counseling is one way to minimize the risk of PAS, and engaging in divorce mediation with a professional is another.
Final Thoughts
When a child’s parents separate or divorce, this can lead to a sense of chaos for children. When one parent begins a campaign to alienate the other parent from the child’s life, even more heartache and long-lasting psychological harm can result for the child. If you feel your child’s other parent is engaged in alienating behaviors towards you with your child, seek professional help through counseling, as well as legal means. If your parent worked to alienate you against your other parent, counseling can help you build back a relationship with the alienated parent.
For Further Reading
- 16 Best Parenting Podcasts: a curated collection of podcasts that touch on a variety of topics including mindful parenting, being an effective father, and raising caring children.
- The 21 Best Parenting Books: a roundup of books that can be helpful to new parents and veteran parents. The collection includes suggestions for books on everything from effective discipline to parenting siblings to international parenting practices.
Parental Alienation Syndrome Infographics
