The death of a child brings about immense and painful grief. Parents may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, worry, and anger. For some people, these emotions may turn into complicated grief and mental health issues like depression or anxiety. Coping strategies include finding support, expressing your feelings verbally or through creative outlets, and seeking professional help from a therapist.
Common Feelings After Losing a Child
Losing a child is a deeply painful experience. Grief is the response to a loss and may include physical and emotional reactions.1 It can also affect your appetite, weight, sleep, and ability to focus. If you are a parent who has lost a child, you are likely experiencing intense emotions. These emotions can be overwhelming and make it difficult to cope.
Your feelings may range following the loss of a child, but may include:
- Sadness that the loss occurred
- Yearning for your child
- Depression if your sadness persists over a long period of time
- Anxiety or fear about the future
- Shock or difficulty comprehending the loss
- Confusion
- Anger or resentment over what happened, especially if you feel that the loss could have been prevented
- Guilt if you feel responsible in some way
Grief varies from person to person.1 You may feel one or more of these emotions. Your feelings may also change over time. There is no “right” way to feel after the loss of a child.
How the Death of a Child Affects a Marriage
Couples who are dealing with the death of a child may find that the loss affects their marriage. Grief triggers difficult emotions in both partners. These challenges also hold for families facing a perinatal loss, such as a miscarriage or stillbirth. Some couples may grow closer following a loss, but others may find that coping with the loss puts strain on their marriage, which in some cases can lead to divorce.2
This is especially true when partners grieve differently. Finding ways to remain connected to one another and communicate about the loss can increase the chances that the couple copes more effectively with the loss together.
How the Death of a Child Affects Other Children
The death of a child in the family can also be hard on siblings. Girls in particular may have a difficult time coping with the loss of a sibling.3 Children’s experience of grief can be impacted by the type of death (whether it was sudden or expected), their bond with the deceased sibling, and how their parents cope.
Children may also express their grief differently than adults. For example, they may act out, isolate from peers, or have trouble in school. Like adults, they may experience negative feelings like sadness, worry, and anger that can turn into depression and anxiety.4
Grieving the Loss of a Child: What’s Normal?
There is no “normal” or “right” way to grieve the death of your child. Each person grieves differently. However, there are stages that people may go through after experiencing a loss.5 These stages may occur in any order, and a person may go through the same stage more than once.
The stages of grief include:5
Denial
During this stage you may question if the loss is real. Some people describe feeling shock and numbness. This stage, which usually occurs immediately following the loss, allows you to slowly process grief rather than face it all at once. When denial starts to wear off, the loss may begin to feel more real.
Anger
You may experience anger toward yourself, your loved ones, or someone or something that you feel is responsible for your child’s death. Some people even experience anger toward god or another religious or spiritual figure.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage involves a desire to undo the loss by bargaining with yourself, god, or another spiritual figure. You might find yourself thinking “if only I had done X, Y, or Z, they might still be here.” Guilt is a common emotion during this stage.
Depression
Depression is also common following a loss. During this stage you may feel sadness, guilt, regret, hopelessness, and have little interest in anything or anyone. Depression can feel like it will last forever, and you may question whether you will ever be able to cope with the loss.
Acceptance
Acceptance is not being “okay” with your loved one’s death or “moving on.” It does not mean that you will never feel sad again. Instead, this stage involves acknowledging the loss and the fact that your life is permanently impacted and finding ways to live your life despite this loss.
How Long Does Grief Usually Last After the Death of a Child?
When you lose a child, grief is an ongoing process that will impact you for the rest of your life. Remember that there is no correct way to grieve and no specific timeline. However, the symptoms of grief may change over time. You may find yourself transitioning between different stages more than once, skipping stages, and spending longer periods of time in certain stages.
While acceptance is the goal, it does not mean that your grief is resolved. If you are struggling to cope with the loss and find yourself stuck in the denial, anger, bargaining, or depression stages, then you may benefit from professional help.
When Grief Becomes Depression
While grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone you care about, complicated grief involves severe reactions to loss that extend over a longer period of time.1 Experts believe that around 10% of people experiencing the loss of a loved one develop complicated grief.1 If you find that your emotional reactions to your loss continue to affect your ability to function in different areas of your life, like caring for other children, keeping up at work or school, or maintaining other relationships, then you may be experiencing complicated grief.
Grief often involves symptoms of depression, especially immediately following the loss.
Signs of depression include:
- Sadness nearly every day for at least two weeks
- Loss of interest in pleasurable pursuits
- Changes in appetite, weight, or sleeping patterns
- Difficulty concentrating
- Fatigue
- Negative feelings toward one’s self
- An increase or decrease in movement
- Suicidal thoughts6
While these symptoms are normal in response to a loss, if they continue to persist and do not improve over time, then you should consider professional help.
Who Should I Consult for Help?
Mental health professionals can help you cope with the loss of your child. There are different types of mental health professionals that are available depending on your needs. If you are looking for therapy, then you can seek the help of a psychologist, social worker, therapist, or counselor. These professionals all treat grief and loss, but may have different levels of experience or approaches to treatment.
They may provide treatment either individually or in a group setting. Individual therapy gives you an opportunity to work through your grief one-on-one with a therapist, while group therapy allows you to connect with other people who have also experienced the loss of a loved one. Many people dealing with grief engage in both individual and group therapy to help them cope.
If dealing with the death of your child is causing strain on your marriage or other family relationships, then you may benefit from couples or family therapy. This type of therapy focuses on helping you work on issues in your relationships that are negatively affecting you, such as poor communication. For help in this area, you can seek out a therapist or counselor who specializes in treating couples and families.
Dealing with a loss can cause symptoms of depression and anxiety that may negatively affect your life. If your symptoms are not improving or are impairing your functioning, then you may consider medication. In this case, you can speak with your physician or a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner. They will be able to evaluate you and help you determine whether medication can help you.
How to Find a Therapist
There are several different ways you can find a therapist.
Some options include:
- Requesting a referral from your physician or psychiatrist
- Conducting an online search of therapists in your area
- Contacting your health insurance company for a listing of covered providers
- Asking family or friends for a recommendation
The length of time needed in therapy varies from person to person. In general, length of treatment depends on how severe your symptoms are and whether you have any other issues to address in treatment. For example, if you are seeking therapy to cope with the loss of a loved one and are also dealing with another mental health disorder, then treatment may take longer than if you were solely seeking help for grief.
One previous study found that around 50% of therapy patients showed symptom improvement after eight sessions and 75% experienced improvements after six months of treatment.7 Even if your symptoms improve, you may choose to stay in therapy longer to work on other issues.
The cost of treatment can range from $50 to $250 a session. If you are using health insurance to pay for therapy, then your insurance company may cover all or some of the costs. You can contact your insurance company to ask whether your plan covers mental health treatment and whether you have a deductible, co-pay, or coinsurance. Some therapists may also offer a sliding scale for people with financial need. You can inquire about the specific cost when you call to set up an appointment.
5 Ways to Cope With the Loss of a Child
There is no simple way to take away the pain. However, there are steps you can take to help yourself deal with the loss. Maintaining a connection to your support system, engaging in self-care, and finding a way to feel connected to your loved one can all help you heal.
If you’re dealing with the death of a child, here are five things that could help you feel better and process your loss:
1. Reach Out for Support
Talking about how you are feeling with a supportive person can help you feel less lonely. Simply having someone listen without offering advice may be what you need. You can reach out to a family member, friend, or professional, like your therapist, for support.
When you experience a loss, it is normal to want to isolate yourself from other people. You may feel like others do not understand what you are going through or will say the wrong thing. While at times it is good to be alone, too much alone time can make it more difficult to cope. Connecting with other people who have also experienced the loss of a child can help you feel more understood and less alone.
2. Attend a Grief Support Group
Support groups offer an opportunity to meet with other people who have experienced similar struggles. Certain groups include only parents who have experienced a loss, whereas other groups are open to anyone who has lost a loved one.
Support groups provide you with an opportunity to hear other people’s stories and share your own. Talking about your feelings and giving and receiving support can be healing. To locate a support group, you can ask for a referral from your healthcare provider or therapist or conduct an online search.
3. Express Your Feelings Creatively
There are many different feelings that can come up following a loss. In addition to sharing your feelings directly with other people, you may also try expressing them in creative ways, such as through art, music, or writing. Such creative expression can be especially helpful if you are someone who has a difficult time opening up. You can try any form of expression that seems helpful to you, like painting, drawing, grief journaling, or dancing.
4. Take Care of Yourself Physically & Emotionally
When you are grieving, your physical and mental health often loses priority. You may find that you are not eating or sleeping well and feel less healthy overall. It is important to have annual physical exams and discuss any health-related issues with your physician. Try your best to eat a nutritious diet, engage in some form of exercise each week, and sleep for at least eight hours a night.
Taking care of your physical health will also help you emotionally. If you find that your symptoms of grief are severe and substantially interfere with your daily activities, or are getting worse over time, then you should strongly consider mental health treatment.
5. Keep the Memory of Your Loved One Alive
Finding a way to maintain a sense of connection with your deceased child can help you move toward accepting the loss. There are many different ways to keep the memory of your loved one alive. For example, you can wear an item of clothing or piece of jewelry of theirs, visit their favorite place, or keep their photos in sight. It may be especially painful to do these things in the beginning, but over time, they can help you feel close to your child, which can be comforting.
How To Be Supportive When a Friend or Family Member Loses a Child
If you have a friend or family member that is grieving the loss of a child, you may wonder how you can help them. You may worry about what to say to someone who lost a loved one, or you may fear coming across unsupportive. These concerns can sometimes lead to not acknowledging the loss out of fear that you may cause your loved one more pain. However, not offering your support can be more hurtful. When you learn of your loved one’s loss, it is important to acknowledge it and offer comfort and support.
Holidays, including Mother’s and Father’s Day, and milestones, like birthdays or the anniversary of the loss, can be especially hard. It can help to check in with your loved one on that day to see how they are feeling and ask how you can be most helpful. Some people may want to do something to feel distracted, while others may want to be alone. You can offer to plan something that day, but understand if they do not feel up to it.
Another way that you can offer support is by providing meals or helping with household chores, errands, or funeral arrangements. For example, you can start a meal train, where several people rotate cooking a meal for a period of time. These efforts can reduce some of the stress on your loved one. If you are unsure how to be most helpful, do not hesitate to ask directly what they need.
For Further Reading
For help coping with the death of a child, see the following organizations:
- Focus on the Family, for information and resources on coping with the loss of a child
- Bereaved Parents of the USA, for resources and support for parents, grandparents, and siblings who have experienced a loss
- The TEARS Foundation’s Center for Child Loss, for support groups and local resources for parents
- Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc., for families who have experienced a pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or death of an infant child
- Best Books on Death
