Grieving the Loss of a Child: Coping & Moving Forward

Common Feelings After Losing a Child

Losing a child is a deeply painful experience. Grief may include physical and emotional reactions.¹ It can also affect your appetite, weight, sleep, and ability to focus. If you are a parent who has lost a child, you are likely experiencing intense emotions. These emotions can be overwhelming and make it difficult to cope with grief.

Grief varies from person to person. Your feelings may also change over time. There is no “right” way to feel after the loss of a child.¹

Common feelings after losing a child include:

• Intense sadness or depression
• Yearning
• Anxiety or fear about the future
• Shock or difficulty comprehending the loss
• Confusion
• Loneliness
• Anger or resentment over what happened, especially if you feel that the loss could’ve been prevented
• Guilt if you feel responsible in some way
• Issues with sleep

How the Death of a Child Affects a Marriage

Couples who are dealing with the death of a child may find that the loss affects their marriage. Grief triggers difficult emotions in both partners. These challenges also hold for families facing a perinatal loss, such as a miscarriage or stillbirth. Some couples may grow closer following a loss, but others may find that coping puts strain on their marriage, which can lead to divorce.²

This is especially true when partners grieve differently. Finding ways to remain connected to one another and communicate about the loss can increase the chances that the couple copes more effectively with the loss together. If dealing with the death of a child causes strain on your marriage or other family relationships, you may benefit from couples counseling or family therapy.

How the Death of a Child Affects Other Children

The death of a child in the family can also be hard on siblings. Girls in particular may have a difficult time coping with the loss of a sibling.³ Children’s experience of grief can be impacted by the type of death (whether it was the sudden loss of a child or expected), their bond with the deceased sibling, and how their parents cope.

Children may also express their grief differently than adults. For example, they may act out, isolate from peers, or have trouble in school. Like adults, they may experience negative feelings like sadness, worry, and anger that can turn into depression and anxiety.⁴ Explaining death can improve their ability to cope with grief.

Grieving the Loss of a Child: What’s Normal?

There is no “normal” or “right” way to grieve the death of your child. However, there are stages that people may go through after experiencing a loss.⁵ These stages may occur in any order, and a person may go through the same stage more than once.

The five stages of grief are:⁵

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Sudden Loss vs. Anticipatory Grief

No form of loss is preferable, but sudden loss is different from a loss that is expected. When a child has been sick, parents experience anticipatory grief, which is a separate grieving process that occurs while the child is alive. Although it is very uncomfortable, it may help with later grieving.

Sudden loss is a different challenge. Without warning, the child is gone, which allows no opportunity for closure or creating final memories before their death. Sudden loss lends itself to more shock and traumatic grief, more questioning, and more intense emotions for some survivors.

7 Ways to Cope With the Loss of a Child

There is no simple answer on how to cope with grief and loss. However, there are steps you can take to help yourself deal with the loss. Maintaining a connection to your support system, engaging in self-care, and finding a way to feel connected to your loved one can all help you heal.

If you’re dealing with the death of a child, here are seven ways to cope:

1. Reach Out for Support

Talking about how you are feeling with a supportive person can help you feel less lonely. Simply having someone listen without offering advice may be what you need. You can reach out to a family member, friend, or professional, like your therapist, for support.

When you experience loss, it’s normal to want to isolate yourself from others. You may feel like they don’t understand what you’re going through or will say the wrong thing. While at times it’s good to be alone, too much alone time can make it more difficult to cope. Connecting with others who have also experienced the loss of a child can help.

2. Attend a Grief Support Group

Support groups offer an opportunity to meet with other people who have experienced similar struggles. Certain groups include only parents who have experienced a loss, whereas other groups are open to anyone who has lost a loved one.

Support groups and grief counseling provide you with an opportunity to hear other people’s stories and share your own. Talking about your feelings and giving and receiving support can be healing. To locate a support group, you can ask for a referral from your healthcare provider or therapist or conduct an online search.

3. Express Your Feelings Creatively

Many different feelings can come up following a loss. In addition to sharing your feelings directly with other people, you may also try expressing them in creative ways, such as through art, music, or writing. Such creative expressions can be especially helpful if you’re someone who has a difficult time opening up. You can try any form of expression that seems helpful to you, like painting, drawing, grief journaling, or dancing.

4. Take Care of Yourself Physically & Emotionally

When you’re grieving, your physical and mental health often loses priority. You may find that you’re not eating or sleeping well and feel less healthy overall. It is important to have annual physical exams and discuss any health-related issues with your physician. Try your best to eat a nutritious diet, engage in some form of exercise each week, and sleep for at least eight hours a night.

Taking care of your physical health will also help you emotionally. If you find that your symptoms of grief are severe and substantially interfere with your daily activities, or are getting worse over time, then you should strongly consider mental health treatment.

5. Keep the Memory of Your Loved One Alive

Finding a way to maintain a sense of connection with your deceased child can help you move toward accepting the loss. There are many different ways to keep the memory of your loved one alive. For example, you can wear an item of clothing or piece of jewelry of theirs, visit their favorite place, or keep their photos in sight.

It may be especially painful to do these things in the beginning, but over time, they can help you feel close to your child, which can be comforting.

6. Allow Yourself the Time

Too often, people become impatient with their grief. They expect it to be fleeting and are surprised to find that the effects stay with them for a long time. Grief and mourning are individualized experiences that take years, not days or weeks. Becoming frustrated or judging your progress too harshly is never ideal. Allow yourself the time to cope with the loss naturally.

7. Stick to the Positive Coping Skills

When it comes to coping skills, some people become overly focused on ones that are quick and effective. Unfortunately, the coping skills that are focused on the “right now” are probably negative. Drinking alcohol, using drugs, and isolating yourself may seem like good ideas at the moment, but they only lead to frustration and stagnation. Try to avoid or limit coping skills that make things feel better or more numb “in the now” and develop coping skills that can be healthy and productive in the long term.

How Long Does Grief Usually Last After the Death of a Child?

There’s no correct way to grieve and no specific timeline. However, the symptoms of grief may change over time. You may find yourself transitioning between different stages more than once, skipping stages, and spending longer periods of time in certain stages.

While acceptance is the goal, it doesn’t mean that your grief will ever fully resolve. If you are struggling to cope with the loss and find yourself stuck in the denial, anger, bargaining, or depression stages, then you may benefit from professional help.

When Grief Becomes Complex

While grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone you care about, complicated grief involves severe reactions that extend over a longer period of time.¹ Experts believe that around 10% of people experiencing the loss of a loved one develop complicated grief.¹

If you find that your emotional reactions to loss continue to affect your ability to function in different areas of your life, like caring for other children, keeping up at work or school, or maintaining other relationships, then you may be experiencing complicated grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder.

Consult With a Therapist or Grief Counselor

Mental health professionals can help you cope with the loss of a child. If you’re looking for therapy, seek the help of a psychologist, social worker, therapist, or counselor. These professionals all treat grief and loss, but may have different levels of experience or approaches to treatment, treating individually or in a group setting.

Individual Therapy vs. Group Therapy

Individual therapy gives you an opportunity to work through your grief one-on-one with a therapist, while group therapy allows you to connect with other people who have also experienced the loss of a loved one. Many people dealing with grief engage in both individual and group therapy to help them cope.

How to Find a Therapist

There are several different ways of finding a therapist, including asking people you trust, conducting an online search, and asking your doctor for a referral.

Here are ways to find a therapist:

• Request a referral from your physician or psychiatrist
• Consult an online directory to find therapists in your area
• Contact your health insurance company for a listing of covered providers
• Ask family or friends for a recommendation

How Long Does Therapy Take to Work?

Length of time needed in therapy varies from person to person. In general, it depends on how severe your symptoms are and whether you have any other issues to address. For example, if you’re seeking therapy to cope with the loss of a loved one and are also dealing with another mental health disorder, then treatment may take longer than if you were solely seeking help for grief.

One previous study found that around 50% of therapy patients showed symptom improvement after eight sessions and 75% experienced improvements after six months of treatment.⁷ Even if your symptoms improve, you may choose to stay in therapy longer to work on other issues.

Cost of Therapy

Cost of treatment can range from $50 to $250 a session. If you’re using health insurance to pay for therapy, then your insurance company may cover all or some of the costs. Contact your insurance company to ask whether your plan covers mental health treatment and whether you have a deductible, co-pay, or coinsurance.

Some therapists may also offer a sliding scale for people with financial need. You can inquire about the specific cost when you call to set up an appointment.

How To Be Supportive When a Friend or Family Member Loses a Child

When learning how to help a grieving friend or family member who is grieving the loss of a child, you may wonder how you can help, or worry about what to say. These concerns can sometimes lead to not acknowledging the loss. However, not offering your support can be more hurtful. When you learn of your loved one’s loss, it’s important to acknowledge it and offer support.

Grieving the loss of a child during the holidays and milestones, like birthdays or the anniversary of the loss, can be especially hard. It helps to check in on that day to see how they’re feeling and ask how you can help. Some people may want to do something to feel distracted, while others may want to be alone. You can offer to plan something that day, but understand if they don’t feel up to it.

Another way that you can offer support is by providing meals or helping with household chores, errands, or funeral arrangements. For example, you can start a meal train, where several people rotate cooking a meal for a period of time. These efforts can reduce some of the stress on your loved one.

Final Thoughts on Grieving the Loss of a Child

Grieving the sudden loss of a child is indescribably difficult. Coping will be hard, and your pain will be an ongoing process that impacts you for the rest of your life, but if you openly ask for help, receive it, and rely on support from your loved ones, you will make it through this.