20 Signs of a Controlling Husband & How to Cope

20 Signs of a Controlling Husband

Control issues can take many forms, from emotional manipulation to financial or sexual control.¹ It often starts subtly and worsens over time. Controlling husbands can come from any background, regardless of age, race, or orientation.

Here are twenty signs of a controlling husband:

1. He Isolates You From Loved Ones

A controlling husband may isolate you by keeping you away from friends and family or by convincing you they don’t have your best interests at heart. He might also complain that they don’t support him, making you feel torn

2. He Can’t Accept Criticism

Many of us struggle with criticism, but a controlling husband often becomes defensive or combative at even the slightest hint of negative feedback. As a result, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You won’t want to say anything that could disturb him or harm his ego. This dynamic isn’t healthy. In secure relationships, partners feel safe to express concerns to one another.

3. He Becomes Extremely Clingy

While worrying about your partner if you haven’t heard from them in a while is normal, a controlling husband may call you ten times while you’re out to dinner with your girlfriends. This clingy behavior may signify jealousy, but it also exhibits power and control. He likely wants to guilt trip you to drop what you’re doing to give him attention.

4. You Feel Like You’re Always Wrong

Controlling husbands often pick fights and belittle you for no reason, making you feel like nothing you do is good enough. This behavior can seriously damage your self-esteem and confidence.

5. He’s Close-Minded

It’s okay to be firm about some beliefs, but a truly close-minded partner often becomes controlling. That’s because they’re entirely unwilling to see things from another person’s point of view. So, if you ever disagree (which is inherently normal in a relationship), he will shut it down and likely make you feel silly for thinking differently from him.

6. He Sabotages Your Progress

A controlling husband may sabotage your success, like complaining about your time at the gym or bringing home wine when you’re trying to quit drinking. If you succeed, he might criticize you for ‘changing.’

7. He Wants to Manage All Finances

Every couple handles money differently, but it’s typically a red flag when one partner wants full control of the household finances. Financially abusive behaviors range from controlling the household budget to making you take out credit cards or loans to stopping you from getting a job to earn your own money.²

8. His Teasing Is Mean

Loving partners may lovingly tease one another and joke around to diffuse tension in their relationship. But a controlling husband’s teasing will feel snarky and condescending. He won’t feel like he’s just kidding around despite his alleged claims. Unfortunately, you may be left feeling like you’re the one who’s overreacting (even if you’re the one with the hurt feelings).

9. His Love Feels Conditional

It may seem like he loves you when things are going well, but he’ll quickly retract his love when problems emerge. Therefore, you might feel immense pressure to be “perfect” at all times. You might feel like you need to be on your best behavior, even when you’re struggling. On the contrary, in healthy relationships, partners accept each other, even during the hard times.

10. You Often Question Your Reality

Controlling husbands may gaslight their partners by being intentionally vague, passive-aggressive, or deceitful. Instead of being direct, they purposely want to distort your reality. You’re left wondering if you’re overreacting or looking into things. This power imbalance can give them an upper hand for control.

11. He’s Jealous

Whether he’s jealous of another man or your success at work, controlling husbands often feel like they’re in an unspoken competition with their spouses. His jealousy may spiral into paranoia. If this happens, he might pick apart any interaction you have with others and attempt to sabotage your relationships.

12. He Invades Your Privacy

Couples should agree on privacy and technology limits together. But a controlling husband will often invade digital boundaries by insisting on sharing all passwords, going through your phone or computer, or even tracking your search history.³ If confronted, he might be defensive about his behavior or criticize you for “having something to hide.”

13. He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Controlling husbands might assume their needs are the only needs that matter. Therefore, he may laugh, criticize, or downright ignore your limits. This is a serious red flag. In healthy relationships, partners aim to respect each other’s needs.

14. He Sexually Coerces You

Sexual coercion is a form of abuse that occurs when you feel pressured, guilted, or tricked into engaging in unwanted sexual activity. It is non-violent, but it is never permissible. Unfortunately, some controlling husbands will do it simply because they assume they can get away with it. Often, that’s because they believe they are entitled to sex whenever they want it.⁴

15. He Threatens You

Some controlling husbands will threaten to leave the marriage, take the children away, or hurt their spouses. These threats are not okay. They’re a dangerous emotional manipulation tactic designed to keep partners feeling helpless and trapped.

16. He Lies Often

In a healthy relationship, both partners feel safe to be transparent with one another. Lying can signify control because he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. For instance, your partner may lie about cheating or finances to keep you off the radar about what’s going on. Even if you know he’s lying, he may still deny your claims or accuse you of being the controlling one.

17. He’s Rude to Your Loved Ones

Some people like to present themselves as perfect, upstanding citizens to the outside world. Others aren’t nearly as emotionally involved. It’s not uncommon for certain controlling husbands to show their true colors around other people. It may be incredibly embarrassing or shameful if this is the case for you. Your loved ones may say something to you, but you might respond by defending or downplaying his behavior.

18. He Controls Your Appearance

In a healthy relationship, partners respect one another’s autonomy, particularly regarding how they look or dress. But a controlling husband may think he “owns” your body, meaning he may try to force you to wear (or not wear) certain things. He might also forbid you from cutting your hair or wearing makeup. These behaviors often manifest from the fear of being desirable to other men.

19. He Tells You How to Feel

Controlling husbands often dismiss your feelings and tell you how you ‘should’ feel, like insisting you be happy or grateful while ignoring sadness or anger.

20. He Doesn’t Care About Your Goals

In a healthy relationship, partners eagerly support one another’s goals. Whether you want to travel, run a marathon, or start a business, a controlling husband might only cheer on your goals if they align with his visions. If they don’t, he’ll usually belittle them- or make it challenging for you to achieve them altogether.

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

In less severe cases, you can try talking honestly with your husband, seeking support from others, or setting firm boundaries. If you’re unsure about staying in the marriage, therapy can help.

Here are some tips and worksheets for how to deal with a controlling husband:

Talk to Him About Your Concerns

If the behavior is relatively new (and mild), your husband may be stressed or reacting to a dynamic within your marriage. At this point, it may be beneficial to talk to him. Be explicit in stating your feelings about how his feelings are directly impacting you.

Set Clear & Firm Boundaries

You deserve respect in your marriage. Setting boundaries means clearly stating your limits and following through with consequences if they’re ignored, like walking away during criticism or asking him to get therapy.

Reach Out to Others

Even if you feel ashamed, try to reach out to others during this time. Whether you stay in your marriage or not, having support matters. Your loved ones can provide you with validation, safety, and guidance. They may also be able to weigh in by sharing their thoughts about your husband.

Try Couples Therapy

Couples therapy may help if your husband shows initiative to change. Keep in mind that it is not advised if you are in a physically abusive relationship. If you are both experiencing ambivalence about whether you want to stay in the marriage, discernment counseling can help alleviate that indecisiveness.

Begin Individual Therapy

The strong effects of trauma bonding often keep people feeling stuck in unhealthy relationships. Additionally, complex variables like children, finances, or having limited support can make it even more challenging to leave a toxic relationship. A good therapist can help you cope with these challenges, rebuild your self-worth, and address safety issues. When choosing a therapist, finding someone with whom you feel safe and comfortable is important.

Leave the Relationship

Controlling behaviors often indicate a pattern of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can quickly spiral into more severe forms of abuse. It can also be a precursor for more physical or sexual abuse. Research shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men suffer from severe intimate partner violence.⁵ If your husband is unwilling to recognize patterns or take the initiative to change, you may need to reevaluate your marriage.

How to Find Professional Support

If you’re considering couples therapy, Regain offers online sessions designed to help couples strengthen their marriage. For those worried about expenses, Talkspace provides couples therapy covered by insurance.

For individual therapy, Grow Therapy features an online directory with detailed filters to help you find a therapist specializing in relationship issues. If you prefer remote sessions, PlushCare is an excellent choice, especially if you feel unsafe, as they offer same-day appointments and a unique crisis case management program.

What Causes a Husband to Be Controlling?

Understanding the reasons behind controlling behavior in a marriage is essential. By identifying the cause, you can better navigate and seek help for healthier, more balanced relationships.

• He has a personality disorder: Certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder, can include controlling behaviors as a symptom. For instance, a husband with one of these might demand constant attention and obedience, believing his needs and opinions are superior. Mental health issues like anxiety or depression can also manifest in a need to control others.
• He struggles with low self-esteem: A husband who feels insecure or has low self-esteem might try to control his spouse as a way to boost his sense of worth and security. This can manifest in behaviors like jealousy, constant monitoring, and an excessive need for reassurance in the relationship. Perhaps he needs to know where his spouse is at all times or with whom she’s texting out of fear that he is not good enough and that she might leave him.
• He’s experienced past trauma: Experiences of past trauma or abuse, especially childhood trauma, can lead to controlling behavior. Individuals who have been hurt or betrayed might develop a need to control their environment and relationships to avoid being hurt again. He may have been abandoned as a child and, as a result, feels the need to control his marriage to avoid re-experiencing that feeling of abandonment.
• His cultural norms: In some cultures, traditional gender roles and expectations may encourage or normalize controlling behavior by men over their wives. These norms can perpetuate beliefs that a husband has the right to control his spouse’s actions, decisions, and behaviors. In certain traditional settings, a husband might control his spouse’s social interactions, career choices, or dress, believing his role is to guide and protect her.
• He’s afraid to lose control: Some individuals have an inherent fear of losing control over their lives or relationships. This fear can lead them to exert control over their spouse to maintain order and predictability in their lives. For example, a husband might meticulously control household finances, dictate daily schedules, or make all major decisions to feel a sense of control over his environment.
• He has difficulty trusting others. A lack of trust, whether due to past experiences or inherent suspicion, can lead to controlling behavior. A husband who struggles to trust his spouse may try to control their actions to manage his fears and insecurities. He may restrict their interactions with others or set strict rules about their activities outside the home.