• Mental Health
    • Anxiety
      • What is Anxiety?
      • Types of Anxiety Disorders
      • Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety
      • Treatments for Anxiety
      • Anxiety Statistics
      • See More Anxiety Content
      • Find an Anxiety Specialist
    • Depression
      • What is Depression?
      • Types of Depression
      • Signs & Symptoms of Depression
      • Treatments for Depression
      • Depression Statistics
      • Find a Depression Specialist
    • Bipolar Disorder
      • What is Bipolar Disorder?
      • Bipolar I vs. Bipolar II
      • Signs & Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder Cycles
      • Treatments for Bipolar Disorder
      • Find a Bipolar Disorder Specialist
    • ADHD
      • What is ADHD?
      • ADHD Signs & Symptoms
      • ADHD & Depression
      • Find an ADHD Specialist
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
      • Anorexia
      • Bulimia
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Gender Dysphoria
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Online Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Online Therapists
    • Grief Counselors
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
    • Session Login
  • Mental Health
    • Anxiety
      • What is Anxiety?
      • Types of Anxiety Disorders
      • Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety
      • Treatments for Anxiety
      • Anxiety Statistics
      • See More Anxiety Content
      • Find an Anxiety Specialist
    • Depression
      • What is Depression?
      • Types of Depression
      • Signs & Symptoms of Depression
      • Treatments for Depression
      • Depression Statistics
      • Find a Depression Specialist
    • Bipolar Disorder
      • What is Bipolar Disorder?
      • Bipolar I vs. Bipolar II
      • Signs & Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder Cycles
      • Treatments for Bipolar Disorder
      • Find a Bipolar Disorder Specialist
    • ADHD
      • What is ADHD?
      • ADHD Signs & Symptoms
      • ADHD & Depression
      • Find an ADHD Specialist
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
      • Anorexia
      • Bulimia
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Gender Dysphoria
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Online Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Online Therapists
    • Grief Counselors
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
    • Session Login
Skip to content

20 Signs of a Controlling Husband & How to Cope

Published: April 1, 2022 Updated: June 30, 2022
Published: 04/01/2022 Updated: 06/30/2022
Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Signs of a Controlling Husband20 Signs
  • Dangers of a Controlling HusbandDangers
  • How to Deal With a Controlling HusbandHow to Deal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Controlling Husband InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP

There are many tactics controlling partners use to maintain an unequal sense of power within a relationship. Likewise, it’s often incredibly painful for partners to fully come to terms with how this control affects their well-being. But learning how to cope is essential for you to stay safe. You will need support, boundaries, and proactive solutions during this time.

You don’t have to face a controlling husband on your own. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

20 Signs of a Controlling Husband

Control can come in many forms, and not all partners are overly hostile, aggressive, or even obvious in their attempts. It’s important to remember that control also doesn’t have a particular image, meaning that a controlling husband can be of any age, race, sexual orientation, or sociocultural background. Any relationship can turn toxic.

Control can include anything from emotional manipulation tactics to limiting financial access to coercion.1 Likewise, control tactics often start slowly and progressively worsen as the relationship intensifies. Some controlling spouses may show guilt or remorse for their behavior, but this is not always the case.

Here are 20 signs of a controlling husband:

1. He Isolates You From Loved Ones

Isolation tactics may be overt or covert. In overt cases, a controlling husband will physically try to distance you from friends or families. In more covert instances, he might try to convince you that others don’t have your best interest at heart. He may also complain that your loved ones don’t support him- forcing you to feel like you need to pick sides.

2. He Can’t Accept Criticism

Many of us struggle with criticism, but a controlling husband often becomes defensive or combative at even the slightest hint of negative feedback. As a result, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You won’t want to say anything that could disturb him or harm his ego. This dynamic isn’t healthy- in secure relationships, partners feel safe to express concerns to one another.

3. He Becomes Extremely Clingy

While it’s normal to worry about your partner if you haven’t heard from them in a while, a controlling husband may call you ten times while you’re out to dinner with your girlfriends. This clingy behavior may signify jealousy, but it also exhibits power and control. He likely wants you to feel guilty and drop what you’re doing to give him attention.

4. You Feel Like You’re Always Wrong

Controlling partners often pick fights “out of nowhere.” Likewise, they tend to belittle and attack their loved ones for seemingly benign behavior. It can certainly feel like, no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough. It goes without saying that this pattern can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and erode your confidence in your marriage.

5. He’s Close-Minded

It’s okay to be firm about some beliefs, but a truly close-minded partner often comes across as controlling. That’s because they’re entirely unwilling to see things from another person’s point of view. So, if you ever disagree (which is inherently normal in a relationship), he will shut it down and likely make you feel like you’re silly for thinking differently from him.

6. He Sabotages Your Progress

A controlling husband will struggle to see you thrive and flourish. For example, if you want to exercise more often, he might complain that you never have time for him. If you try to cut down on drinking alcohol, he may come home with your favorite bottle of wine. And if you do continue making progress? He may insist that you’ve “changed,” as if that’s a bad thing!

7. He Wants to Manage All Finances

Every couple handles money differently, but it’s typically a red flag when one partner wants full control of the household finances. Financially abusive behaviors range from controlling the household budget to making you take out credit cards or loans to stopping you from getting a job to earn your own money.2

8. His Teasing Is Mean

Loving partners may lovingly tease one another and joke around to diffuse tension in their relationship. But a controlling husband’s teasing will feel snarky and condescending. Despite his alleged claims, he certainly won’t feel like he’s just kidding around. Unfortunately, you may be left feeling like you’re the one who’s overreacting (even if you’re the one with the hurt feelings).

9. His Love Feels Conditional

It may seem like he loves you when things are going well, but he’ll quickly retract his love when problems emerge. Therefore, you might feel immense pressure to be “perfect” at all times. You might feel like you need to be on your best behavior, even when you’re really struggling. On the contrary, in healthy relationships, partners accept each other, even during the hard times.

10. You Often Question Your Reality

Controlling husbands may gaslight their partners by being intentionally vague, passive-aggressive, or deceitful. Instead of being direct, they purposely want to distort your reality. You’re left wondering if you’re overreacting or looking into things- this power imbalance can give them an upper hand for control.

11. He’s Jealous

Whether he’s jealous of another man or your success at work, controlling husbands often feel like they’re in an unspoken competition with their spouses. His jealousy may spiral into paranoia. If this happens, he might pick apart any interaction you have with others, and he may attempt to sabotage your relationships.

12. He Invades Your Privacy

Couples should agree on privacy and technology limits together. But a controlling husband will often invade digital boundaries by insisting on sharing all passwords, going through your phone or computer, or even tracking your search history.3 If confronted, he might be defensive about his behavior or criticize you for “having something to hide.”

13. He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Controlling husbands might assume their needs are the only needs that matter. Therefore, he may laugh, criticize, or downright ignore your limits. This is a serious red flag. In healthy relationships, partners aim to respect each other’s needs.

14. He Sexually Coerces You

Sexual coercion is a form of abuse that occurs when you feel pressured, guilted, or tricked into engaging in unwanted sexual activity. It is non-violent, but it is never permissible. Unfortunately, some controlling husbands will do it simply because they assume they can get away with it. Often, that’s because they believe they are entitled to sex whenever they want it.4

15. He Threatens You

Some controlling husbands will threaten to leave the marriage, take the children away, or hurt their spouses. These threats are not okay. They’re a dangerous emotional manipulation tactic designed to keep partners feeling helpless and trapped.

16. He Lies Often

In a healthy relationship, both partners feel safe to be transparent with one another. Lying can be a sign of control because it means that he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. For instance, he may lie about his faithfulness or finances- all to keep you off the radar about what’s really going on. Even if you know he’s lying, he may still deny your claims or accuse you of being the controlling one.

17. He’s Rude to Your Loved Ones

Some people like to present themselves as perfect, upstanding citizens to the outside world. Others aren’t nearly as emotionally involved. It’s not uncommon for certain controlling husbands to show their true colors around other people. If this is the case for you, it may be incredibly embarrassing or shameful. Your loved ones may say something to you, but you might respond by defending or downplaying his behavior.

18. He Controls Your Appearance

In a healthy relationship, partners respect one another’s autonomy, particularly when it comes to how they look or dress. But a controlling husband may think he “owns” your body, meaning he may try to force you to wear (or not wear) certain things. He might also forbid you from cutting your hair or wearing makeup. These behaviors often manifest from the fear of being desirable to other men.

19. He Tells You How to Feel

Supportive partners try to understand and validate one another. Controlling husbands think they have the right to tell you how to feel. For example, he might insist that you should be happy or grateful. At the same time, he might dismiss any feelings he deems as too negative (like sadness, anger, or fear).

20. He Doesn’t Care About Your Goals

In a healthy relationship, partners tend to eagerly support one another’s goals. Whether you want to travel, run a marathon, or start a business, a controlling husband might only cheer on your goals if they align with his visions. If they don’t, he’ll usually belittle them- or make it challenging for you to achieve them altogether.

You don’t have to face a controlling husband on your own. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Dangers of a Controlling Husband

Emotional abuse can quickly spiral into more severe forms of abuse. It can also be a precursor for more physical or sexual abuse. Research shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men suffer from severe intimate partner violence. Likewise, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.5

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

In milder situations, you might be able to cope with a controlling husband by expressing your feelings and talking to him honestly. You may also benefit from seeking prosocial support or implementing some strict boundaries. If you’re unsure whether to leave your marriage, therapy can be an invaluable resource during this challenging time.

The following are ways to deal with a controlling husband:

1. Talk to Him

If the behavior is relatively new (and mild), your husband may be stressed or reacting to a dynamic within your marriage. At this point, it may be beneficial to talk to him. Be explicit in stating your feelings about how his feelings are directly impacting you.

2. Set Boundaries

You inherently deserve respect within your marriage, and it’s important to assert your needs and rights. Setting boundaries enables you to set your limits and identify the consequences you will implement should your husband ignore those limits. Boundaries can include anything from walking out of the room if he criticizes you to requiring that he seek his own therapy.

3. Reach Out to Others

Even if you feel ashamed, try to reach out to others during this time. Regardless of whether you stay in your marriage or not, having support matters. Your loved ones can provide you with validation, safety, and guidance. They may also be able to weigh in by sharing their thoughts about your husband.

4. Try Therapy

Couples therapy may help if your husband shows initiative to change. Keep in mind that it is not advised if you are in a physically abusive relationship. If you are both experiencing ambivalence about whether you want to stay in the marriage, discernment counseling can help alleviate that indecisiveness.

Finally, it’s important to consider the benefits of seeking your own therapy. You need a safe place to explore your feelings. Consider using an online therapist directory to get started with your search.

5. Leave

Controlling behaviors often indicate a pattern of emotional abuse. If your husband is unwilling to recognize patterns or take the initiative to change, you may need to reevaluate your marriage.

Keep in mind that the strong effects of trauma bonding often keep people feeling stuck in unhealthy relationships. Likewise, complex variables like children, finances, or having limited support, can make it even more challenging to leave a toxic relationship.

That said, it may be helpful to start by consulting with the domestic abuse hotline. Trained crisis counselors can provide you with resources for getting the help you need. Taking this step can be a significant step towards deciding what to do next.

Final Thoughts

Life with a controlling husband may feel frustrating and scary. At times, things may seem entirely hopeless. But, remember, there is always hope. Calling a crisis hotline, reaching out to a friend, or connecting with a therapist can be an excellent starting point for moving forward.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – What are the next steps for the relationship? Can the relationship be improved? BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Couples Counseling) – Would your partner and you benefit from couples therapy? Find Out. The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is experienced in couples counseling. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp and Online-Therapy.com

For Further Reading

  • How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
  • Power and Control Wheel
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides FREE, confidential calling, texting, and chatting with a crisis counselor

Controlling Husband Infographics

Signs of a Controlling Husband Signs of a Controlling Husband Dangers of a Controlling Husband

How to Deal With a Controlling Husband

5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Power and Control: Break free from abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Retrieved from: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/.

  • What is financial abuse? Women and Money. Retrieved from: https://www.womenandmoney.org.au/what-is-financial-abuse/.

  • Digital Boundaries. Love is Respect. Retrieved from: https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/digital-boundaries/.

  • Sexual Coercion in Intimate Relationships: Eight Tactics (2021, September). Domestic Shelters. Retrieved from: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics.

  • Statistics. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  Retrieved from: https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS.

Recent Articles

What Is Enmeshment Trauma
What Is Enmeshment Trauma?Enmeshment trauma is a type of childhood emotional trauma that involves a disregard for personal boundaries and loss of more
';
Sings of an Emotional Affair
Signs of an Emotional AffairAn emotional affair happens when a person becomes sentimentally involved with someone other than their partner. It has many more
';
How to Stop Overthinking in Relationships
How to Stop Overthinking in a RelationshipOverthinking in relationships can lead to a myriad of challenges. Essentially, you’re living in the future or the past more
';
FT_25_Gaslighting_Phrases_Abusers_Use
25 Gaslighting Phrases Abusers UseAlthough gaslighting is not a clinical term, the word refers to another person attempting to make you doubt what more
';
How to Stop Loving Someone Ways to Move On
How To Stop Loving Someone: 11 Ways To Move OnThere are many reasons you may want to stop loving someone in your life. Perhaps they don’t have your more
';
Emotionally_Unavailable
Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means, Signs, & What to Do About ItEmotional unavailability refers to a pattern of difficulty getting close to others, practicing emotional vulnerability, committing, and connecting on more
';
Headshot of Nicole Arzt, LMFT
Written by:

Nicole Arzt

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Signs of a Controlling Husband20 Signs
  • Dangers of a Controlling HusbandDangers
  • How to Deal With a Controlling HusbandHow to Deal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Controlling Husband InfographicsInfographics
If you are in need of immediate medical help:
Medical
Emergency
911
Suicide Hotline
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service
  • No Surprises Act
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
Crisis Hotlines here
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
here
logo
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:
verify here.
This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.
Choosing Therapy Logo
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may visit Cookie Settings to provide controlled consent. Cookie settings ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

We use cookies to facilitate website functionality. Also, we use third-party cookies to track your website behavior and target advertising. These cookies are stored in your browser only with your consent, and you have the choice of opting out.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non Necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Save & Accept