There are many tactics controlling partners use to maintain an unequal sense of power within a relationship. Likewise, it’s often incredibly painful for partners to fully come to terms with how this control affects their well-being. But learning how to cope is essential for you to stay safe. You will need support, boundaries, and proactive solutions during this time.
20 Signs of a Controlling Husband
Control can come in many forms, and not all partners are overly hostile, aggressive, or even obvious in their attempts. It’s important to remember that control also doesn’t have a particular image, meaning that a controlling husband can be of any age, race, sexual orientation, or sociocultural background. Any relationship can turn toxic.
Control can include anything from emotional manipulation tactics to limiting financial access to coercion.1 Likewise, control tactics often start slowly and progressively worsen as the relationship intensifies. Some controlling spouses may show guilt or remorse for their behavior, but this is not always the case.
Here are 20 signs of a controlling husband:
1. He Isolates You From Loved Ones
Isolation tactics may be overt or covert. In overt cases, a controlling husband will physically try to distance you from friends or families. In more covert instances, he might try to convince you that others don’t have your best interest at heart. He may also complain that your loved ones don’t support him- forcing you to feel like you need to pick sides.
2. He Can’t Accept Criticism
Many of us struggle with criticism, but a controlling husband often becomes defensive or combative at even the slightest hint of negative feedback. As a result, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You won’t want to say anything that could disturb him or harm his ego. This dynamic isn’t healthy- in secure relationships, partners feel safe to express concerns to one another.
3. He Becomes Extremely Clingy
While it’s normal to worry about your partner if you haven’t heard from them in a while, a controlling husband may call you ten times while you’re out to dinner with your girlfriends. This clingy behavior may signify jealousy, but it also exhibits power and control. He likely wants you to feel guilty and drop what you’re doing to give him attention.
4. You Feel Like You’re Always Wrong
Controlling partners often pick fights “out of nowhere.” Likewise, they tend to belittle and attack their loved ones for seemingly benign behavior. It can certainly feel like, no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough. It goes without saying that this pattern can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and erode your confidence in your marriage.
5. He’s Close-Minded
It’s okay to be firm about some beliefs, but a truly close-minded partner often comes across as controlling. That’s because they’re entirely unwilling to see things from another person’s point of view. So, if you ever disagree (which is inherently normal in a relationship), he will shut it down and likely make you feel like you’re silly for thinking differently from him.
6. He Sabotages Your Progress
A controlling husband will struggle to see you thrive and flourish. For example, if you want to exercise more often, he might complain that you never have time for him. If you try to cut down on drinking alcohol, he may come home with your favorite bottle of wine. And if you do continue making progress? He may insist that you’ve “changed,” as if that’s a bad thing!
7. He Wants to Manage All Finances
Every couple handles money differently, but it’s typically a red flag when one partner wants full control of the household finances. Financially abusive behaviors range from controlling the household budget to making you take out credit cards or loans to stopping you from getting a job to earn your own money.2
8. His Teasing Is Mean
Loving partners may lovingly tease one another and joke around to diffuse tension in their relationship. But a controlling husband’s teasing will feel snarky and condescending. Despite his alleged claims, he certainly won’t feel like he’s just kidding around. Unfortunately, you may be left feeling like you’re the one who’s overreacting (even if you’re the one with the hurt feelings).
9. His Love Feels Conditional
It may seem like he loves you when things are going well, but he’ll quickly retract his love when problems emerge. Therefore, you might feel immense pressure to be “perfect” at all times. You might feel like you need to be on your best behavior, even when you’re really struggling. On the contrary, in healthy relationships, partners accept each other, even during the hard times.
10. You Often Question Your Reality
Controlling husbands may gaslight their partners by being intentionally vague, passive-aggressive, or deceitful. Instead of being direct, they purposely want to distort your reality. You’re left wondering if you’re overreacting or looking into things- this power imbalance can give them an upper hand for control.
11. He’s Jealous
Whether he’s jealous of another man or your success at work, controlling husbands often feel like they’re in an unspoken competition with their spouses. His jealousy may spiral into paranoia. If this happens, he might pick apart any interaction you have with others, and he may attempt to sabotage your relationships.
12. He Invades Your Privacy
Couples should agree on privacy and technology limits together. But a controlling husband will often invade digital boundaries by insisting on sharing all passwords, going through your phone or computer, or even tracking your search history.3 If confronted, he might be defensive about his behavior or criticize you for “having something to hide.”
13. He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Controlling husbands might assume their needs are the only needs that matter. Therefore, he may laugh, criticize, or downright ignore your limits. This is a serious red flag. In healthy relationships, partners aim to respect each other’s needs.
14. He Sexually Coerces You
Sexual coercion is a form of abuse that occurs when you feel pressured, guilted, or tricked into engaging in unwanted sexual activity. It is non-violent, but it is never permissible. Unfortunately, some controlling husbands will do it simply because they assume they can get away with it. Often, that’s because they believe they are entitled to sex whenever they want it.4
15. He Threatens You
Some controlling husbands will threaten to leave the marriage, take the children away, or hurt their spouses. These threats are not okay. They’re a dangerous emotional manipulation tactic designed to keep partners feeling helpless and trapped.
16. He Lies Often
In a healthy relationship, both partners feel safe to be transparent with one another. Lying can be a sign of control because it means that he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. For instance, he may lie about his faithfulness or finances- all to keep you off the radar about what’s really going on. Even if you know he’s lying, he may still deny your claims or accuse you of being the controlling one.
17. He’s Rude to Your Loved Ones
Some people like to present themselves as perfect, upstanding citizens to the outside world. Others aren’t nearly as emotionally involved. It’s not uncommon for certain controlling husbands to show their true colors around other people. If this is the case for you, it may be incredibly embarrassing or shameful. Your loved ones may say something to you, but you might respond by defending or downplaying his behavior.
18. He Controls Your Appearance
In a healthy relationship, partners respect one another’s autonomy, particularly when it comes to how they look or dress. But a controlling husband may think he “owns” your body, meaning he may try to force you to wear (or not wear) certain things. He might also forbid you from cutting your hair or wearing makeup. These behaviors often manifest from the fear of being desirable to other men.
19. He Tells You How to Feel
Supportive partners try to understand and validate one another. Controlling husbands think they have the right to tell you how to feel. For example, he might insist that you should be happy or grateful. At the same time, he might dismiss any feelings he deems as too negative (like sadness, anger, or fear).
20. He Doesn’t Care About Your Goals
In a healthy relationship, partners tend to eagerly support one another’s goals. Whether you want to travel, run a marathon, or start a business, a controlling husband might only cheer on your goals if they align with his visions. If they don’t, he’ll usually belittle them- or make it challenging for you to achieve them altogether.
Dangers of a Controlling Husband
Emotional abuse can quickly spiral into more severe forms of abuse. It can also be a precursor for more physical or sexual abuse. Research shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men suffer from severe intimate partner violence. Likewise, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.5
How to Deal With a Controlling Husband
In milder situations, you might be able to cope with a controlling husband by expressing your feelings and talking to him honestly. You may also benefit from seeking prosocial support or implementing some strict boundaries. If you’re unsure whether to leave your marriage, therapy can be an invaluable resource during this challenging time.
The following are ways to deal with a controlling husband:
1. Talk to Him
If the behavior is relatively new (and mild), your husband may be stressed or reacting to a dynamic within your marriage. At this point, it may be beneficial to talk to him. Be explicit in stating your feelings about how his feelings are directly impacting you.
2. Set Boundaries
You inherently deserve respect within your marriage, and it’s important to assert your needs and rights. Setting boundaries enables you to set your limits and identify the consequences you will implement should your husband ignore those limits. Boundaries can include anything from walking out of the room if he criticizes you to requiring that he seek his own therapy.
3. Reach Out to Others
Even if you feel ashamed, try to reach out to others during this time. Regardless of whether you stay in your marriage or not, having support matters. Your loved ones can provide you with validation, safety, and guidance. They may also be able to weigh in by sharing their thoughts about your husband.
4. Try Therapy
Couples therapy may help if your husband shows initiative to change. Keep in mind that it is not advised if you are in a physically abusive relationship. If you are both experiencing ambivalence about whether you want to stay in the marriage, discernment counseling can help alleviate that indecisiveness.
Finally, it’s important to consider the benefits of seeking your own therapy. You need a safe place to explore your feelings. Consider using an online therapist directory to get started with your search.
5. Leave
Controlling behaviors often indicate a pattern of emotional abuse. If your husband is unwilling to recognize patterns or take the initiative to change, you may need to reevaluate your marriage.
Keep in mind that the strong effects of trauma bonding often keep people feeling stuck in unhealthy relationships. Likewise, complex variables like children, finances, or having limited support, can make it even more challenging to leave a toxic relationship.
That said, it may be helpful to start by consulting with the domestic abuse hotline. Trained crisis counselors can provide you with resources for getting the help you need. Taking this step can be a significant step towards deciding what to do next.
Final Thoughts
Life with a controlling husband may feel frustrating and scary. At times, things may seem entirely hopeless. But, remember, there is always hope. Calling a crisis hotline, reaching out to a friend, or connecting with a therapist can be an excellent starting point for moving forward.
For Further Reading
- How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
- Power and Control Wheel
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides FREE, confidential calling, texting, and chatting with a crisis counselor
Controlling Husband Infographics
