18 Signs of a Controlling Wife & How to Cope

Is It Normal for a Wife to Be Controlling?

Controlling behavior in a marriage is not considered normal or appropriate. While every relationship may have moments of conflict, patterns of controlling behavior, such as gaslighting, excessive jealousy, and monitoring, are not typical or conducive to a loving and respectful partnership. Healthy marriages are built on trust, communication, and mutual respect, allowing both partners to express themselves freely.

18 Signs Of a Controlling Wife

Signs of a controlling wife may manifest in various ways within a marriage. Red flags for an unhealthy relationship include feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells, being blamed for everything, or your every step is being monitored. It’s important to recognize these signs early and address them through open communication and potentially seeking professional help if the behavior continues.

Here are eighteen signs of a controlling wife:

1. She Gaslights You

Gaslighting is an emotionally manipulative tactic where a person attempts to turn the problem you have with them back onto you. This ultimately leaves you feeling that you have done wrong when, in reality, it is them who have done wrong. For example, a controlling wife may insist on looking through your phone. When you say “no,” and rightfully so, she begins to accuse you of cheating. This leaves you feeling in the wrong when, in reality, you have a right to privacy and agency over your belongings.

Here are some examples of gaslighting a controlling wife may use:

• She minimizes your feelings
• She questions your memory when you are recounting something that occurred
• She diverts attention from any problems for which you express concern
• She uses the phrase “If you love me, you would….”, implying that if you do not comply with her wishes, you are not loving
• She minimizes insulting remarks she has made about you with “loving words” or dismissive words such as “You’re just too sensitive”
• She indicates there is something wrong with you; for example, she says, “You need professional help” or “I really am beginning to think you’re crazy”
• She creates her own version of events that turns the blame onto you and away from her

2. She Blames You

Similarly to gaslighting, placing blame onto you is a way to avoid accepting responsibility for her controlling actions. A controlling wife may blame you for the most minute details, such as: “You forgot to get the eggs; you never listen to me.” A controlling wife may also blame you for her own behaviors: “If you would just listen, we wouldn’t keep having these problems, so it’s your fault.”

Examples of blaming include:

• She turns an honest mistake you made into the “worst thing imaginable”
• She tells you that you do things to upset her purposefully
• She tells you that you do things to argue with her purposefully
• She repeatedly claims there is something wrong with you
• She brings up other people in your life, insinuating they would agree with her, for example, “Everyone, even your friends, know you are the problem.”

3. She is Unpredictable

A controlling wife can be very unpredictable. She may have seemed great in the morning and sent you nice messages throughout the day, but by the time you get home, it is like she has turned into a completely different person. The back and forth of these behaviors and moods may point to underlying mental health concerns.

Examples of unpredictability include:

• She has frequent emotional outbursts, and you suffer the consequences
• She appears loving one moment and then disgusted by you the next
• She takes the smallest of mistakes and blows them out of proportion
• She takes her own mistakes and puts them onto you, similar to gaslighting and blaming
• She displays physical or relational aggression
• She is mean to you and nice to everyone else

4. She Has to Have It Her Way, Or Else…

A controlling wife is the definition of the old adage “my way or the highway.” A controlling wife is very rigid and inflexible. No matter your suggestions, she will disregard them and insist that things be done her way. Additionally, if it is not her way, threats can come into play.

Examples of having it her way include:

• She refuses to consider your point of view
• She shames you for having a point of view
• She does what she wants, when she wants, irrespective of the consequences
• She constantly puts her own needs over yours
• She claims her needs are “more important”

5. She Makes You Feel Indebted to Her

Relationships should be supportive. However, when a controlling wife does something to help you, she may use that against you down the road. She does this to make you feel obligated to do what she asks when she asks.

Examples of making you feel indebted include:

• She says things like, “I did this for you last week, so you should be doing this for me.”
• She makes her love conditional on what you do for her
• She makes her love depend on how much you allow her to control
• She does not let go of past mistakes and continually brings it up

6. She Dictates What You Can & Cannot Do

A controlling wife will leave you feeling like you are under a microscope. She will want to know exactly what is happening with you, seemingly at all times. From your work to being with coworkers to a night out with friends, it will feel like you have no privacy.

Examples of dictating what you can/cannot do include:

• She demands you share your location with her
• She asks you who you are texting or talking to repeatedly
• She gets upset when you make plans with friends
• She tries to isolate you from friends and family

7. She Cannot Accept Responsibility

It can feel difficult for people to accept responsibility, especially where pride is involved. For a controlling wife, accepting responsibility will very likely not happen. Part of the control is the illusion she has created of being the “better” partner in the relationship.

Examples of not accepting responsibility include:

• She blames you and/or others for her mistakes
• She regularly complains about how she is treated unfairly despite little to no evidence
• She avoids taking on challenging tasks and leaves them for you
• She lies in order to avoid any pushback or challenges

8. She Isolates You From Loved Ones

A controlling wife may isolate you from friends and family to gain more control over your life. This isolation can lead to a sense of dependency on her, as she becomes your primary source of social interaction, leading to even more control. When she is nearly your sole companion, she becomes even more influential over you and your choices.

Examples of isolating you from loved ones include:

• She frequently criticizes your loved ones
• She schedules activities that prevent you from seeing loved ones
• She insists you cancel plans with friends because she feels they are a bad influence
• She makes you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others

9. She Sabotages Your Progress

Your personal and professional growth is integral to who you are as an individual. A controlling wife may undermine your personal or professional growth to keep you reliant on her. She might discourage your ambitions, belittle your achievements, or create obstacles that hinder your success. This sabotage ensures you stay within her sphere of influence and control.

Examples of sabotaging your progress include:

• She downplays the importance of you taking a course to advance your career
• She suggests opportunities to advance are a waste of time
• She creates distractions at home to prevent you from studying.

10. Her Teasing Is Mean

Teasing in a relationship can be playful, but when it becomes mean-spirited, it’s a red flag for controlling behavior. A controlling wife might disguise hurtful comments as jokes, diminishing your self-esteem and making you feel inferior. This pattern of mean teasing can erode your confidence and make you more compliant to her demands.

Examples of teasing in a mean way include:

• She mocks your hobbies or things you enjoy
• She makes fun of your appearance in front of others
• She says something is just a joke when you express hurt

11. She Is Extremely Jealous

Extreme jealousy can be a sign of a controlling wife who sees threats in your interactions with others. This jealousy can manifest as constant accusations of infidelity, demands for excessive updates on your whereabouts, or prohibiting friendships with the opposite sex. This behavior aims to isolate you and keep you under her control.

Examples of extreme jealousy include:

• If you have a harmless conversation with a coworker, she accuses you of being unfaithful
• If she has any doubts about your relationship with someone else, she insists you cut off all contact.
• She requires you to keep your location on at all times so she always knows where you are

12. She Invades Your Privacy

A controlling wife may feel entitled to invade your privacy, constantly monitoring your actions to ensure you adhere to her expectations. She scrutinizes your interactions, justifying it as a concern for your well-being. Invasion of privacy is a way to keep tabs on you and maintain control over your life. This way, she is in charge of all your social interactions and whereabouts.

Examples of invading your privacy include:

• She checks your phone or emails
• She demands your social media passwords
• She scrutinizes your interactions, online or otherwise

13. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Disregarding your boundaries is a common tactic of a controlling wife. She might ignore your requests for personal space, dismiss your opinions, or override your decisions. Boundaries can be physical as well as emotional; she might also invade your personal space without permission. This lack of respect for your boundaries can make you feel powerless and trapped in the relationship.

Examples of disrespecting your boundaries include:

• She insists on discussing issues after you’ve asked for time alone
•  She makes significant decisions, such as financial investments or vacation plans, without consulting you
• She rifles through your personal belongings
• She enters the bathroom while you’re using it when you’ve asked her not to

14. She Lies Often

Frequent lying is a hallmark of a controlling wife who manipulates the truth to maintain power over you. These lies can range from small fabrications to significant deceit, creating confusion and mistrust. Lying keeps you off balance and dependent on her narrative. This constant dishonesty erodes trust and keeps you in a state of uncertainty, making it easier for her to control you.

Examples of things she may lie about include:

• She lies about where she’s been or who she’s been with
• She lies about her spending, debts, or income
• She exaggerates or fabricates health problems to garner sympathy
• She makes promises or commitments that she has no intention of keeping

15. She Sexually Coerces You

Sexual coercion is a serious and harmful form of control. A controlling wife might pressure you into sexual activities against your will, using guilt, threats, or manipulation which can make you feel obligated to comply. This coercion can damage your sense of autonomy and self-worth, as it violates your right to consent and control over your own body.

Examples of sexual coercion include:

• She says, “If you loved me, you’d do this.”
• She threatens to cheat or leave the relationship if you don’t comply with her sexual demands
• She continues to touch or initiate sexual activity even after you’ve expressed that you’d like her to stop

16. She Tells You How to Feel

A controlling wife might dictate your emotions, telling you how you should feel in various situations. She might invalidate your feelings by insisting you’re overreacting or being too sensitive, or she may minimize your experiences by saying they’re not as big of a deal as you make them out to be. This behavior undermines your emotional autonomy, making you doubt your own experiences and perceptions.

Examples of telling you how to feel include:

• If you’re upset about a disagreement, she might say, “You’re being ridiculous; there’s nothing to be upset about.”
• She dictates appropriate reactions (i.e., “You should be happy about this!”)
• She gives you ultimatums

17. She Controls Your Appearance

Controlling your appearance is another tactic a controlling wife might use to exert power over you. She disregards your comfort or personal style. This constant control over your appearance can erode your sense of individuality and make you feel like you must conform to her expectations to gain her approval. Over time, this can lead to a loss of self-confidence and a diminished sense of self as you start to question your own judgment and preferences in favor of hers.

Examples of controlling your appearance include:

• She tells you what to wear
• She dictates your grooming habits
• She criticizes your choices and tastes in appearance

18. She’s Rude to Your Loved Ones

A controlling wife might be intentionally rude or dismissive to your loved ones to create tension and drive a wedge between you and them. She might make snide comments, show blatant disrespect, or engage in passive-aggressive behavior. This behavior can strain your relationships with others, leaving you more isolated and dependent on her.

Examples of being rude to your loved ones include:

• She openly criticizes your family during gatherings
• She ignores your friends when they visit
• She makes snide or passive-aggressive remarks about your loved ones
• She spreads rumors or gossip about your loved ones

What to Do If Your Wife Is Controlling You

If your wife is controlling you, it’s essential to react in a conscious and careful manner. Your wife’s controlling behaviors can quickly escalate into emotional abuse, and so we want to ensure your safety first and foremost. Seeking professional help, whether as a couple or alone, is important. Remember that establishing boundaries and maintaining your own well-being is essential in any relationship,

Here are some tips and worksheets to help you navigate a controlling wife:

Address Your Concerns

Advocating for yourself is important. A controlling wife may not realize the negative impacts of her behavior. Attempt to talk it out with her. Starting with the use of an “I” statement is beneficial as it minimizes potential feelings of blame and defensiveness. For example, say something like: “I feel hurt when my thoughts are not being considered.” Depending on how your wife responds, you can move forward with the following steps.

Set Clear & Firm Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship is important. With a controlling wife, setting a clear and firm boundary means she will be aware of your non-negotiables in the relationship. For example, if she asks you to give her your phone, clearly tell her “no”, remind her that privacy is important to you, and ask her to take a step back.

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

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Keep a Neutral Tone

A hallmark of effective communication and de-escalation is keeping our tone in check. When someone raises their voice, keeping your response/tone neutral will often bring their tone and response down as well; this also assists you in remaining calm. If you start to yell, your stress response system is more activated and will add to a controlling wife’s escalated behaviors.¹

Reach Out to Others

Breaking the silence and sharing your experience with trusted friends or family members can provide emotional support and validation. It helps to gain perspective on the situation and recognize that you’re not alone. By confiding in others, you can start to unravel the isolation and secrecy that often accompanies controlling relationships, paving the way for healing and potentially accessing resources to navigate the challenges effectively.

Go for Couples Counseling

In less severe cases of control, you may wish to take steps with your wife to improve your relationship. Addressing the issue within your relationship is an important step. Couples counseling provides a valuable opportunity to examine any unhealthy control dynamics. Collaborating with a therapist can help you and your wife develop healthier ways of interacting. However, if the controlling wife is resistant or unwilling to work on the relationship, couples therapy may actually do more harm than good.

Begin Individual Therapy

Starting therapy gives you a chance to receive extra support. A therapist can recommend communication strategies, validate your experience, and walk you through additional steps to keep you safe. Additionally, a therapist can listen, non-judgmentally, as you grapple with the next steps. While therapy can feel overwhelming at first, it often ends up leaving you feeling empowered.

Having a controlling wife can also bring up a host of negative emotions and harmful beliefs about yourself. In more severe cases, verbal abuse and emotional abuse can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Therapy can help you to process your relationship, set healthy boundaries, and begin to heal.

Leave the Relationship

When you have tried all prior steps, and things remain unbearable or are bordering on unsafe, it may be time to leave the abusive relationship. Leaving can be one of the most dangerous times in a person’s life when dealing with a controlling and coercive partner. This is why having a safety plan is so important.

Creating a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a detailed document of guidelines and actions that can be taken if you feel your partner may harm you. If you are in therapy, you can work with your therapist to create a safety plan. If not, here are some steps for how to create one:

• The first step for creating a safety plan is having a person(s) in your life who is aware of the circumstances and sharing a code word with them to alert them if/when you are in danger.
• Second, ensure you have all essential documents (i.e., birth certificates, social security cards, and health insurance cards) easily accessible and/or on your person in the event you need to leave at a moment’s notice.
• Additionally, create a list of essential items you may need if you have to leave quickly, such as a change of clothes, your cell phone and cell phone charger, and baby items if you have an infant.
• Most importantly, always have the information on hand for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE, text “START” to 88788, or chat with someone online.²

Free Personal Strengths Inventory Worksheet

Creating a personal strengths inventory can be a powerful tool to combat self-criticism and negative self-talk.

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How to Find Professional Support

If you want to explore couples therapy with your partner, Regain is an online couples therapy service that specializes in providing support to couples who are looking to strengthen their marriage. If you are concerned about cost, Talkspace provides couples therapy that is covered by insurance.

For individual therapy, Grow Therapy is an online therapist directory that offers many detailed filters, making it easy to find a therapist who specializes in relationship issues. If you prefer to see a therapist remotely, PlushCare is a particularly great option if you feel suddenly unsafe because they offer same-day appointments and a unique crisis case management program.

What Causes My Wife to Be Controlling?

Your wife may be controlling for a number of reasons. Her controlling tendencies may be a way to cope with anxiety or insecurity that arises from her personal history, including past trauma. Alternatively, one of her parents may have modeled unhealthy, controlling behaviors. She may also struggle with a personality disorder whose symptoms include a need for control.³

Here are a few possible reasons why your wife may be controlling:

• She has narcissistic tendencies: Narcissism is where a person exhibits delusions of grandeur and a lack of empathy. This personality structure can cause someone to be controlling and narcissistically abusive because there is a persistent projection of anger and blame, which leads toward a compulsion to control.⁴
• She experiences high levels of anxiety: High levels of anxiety are marked by excessive and often uncontrollable worry. Therefore, an unhealthy way of coping with anxiety is exerting control over her environment and loved ones.⁵
• She fears being abandoned: The fear of being abandoned is a fear of being left and rejected. This is also linked to anxiety, and controlling behaviors are another unhealthy form of coping with such fear.
• She struggles with low self-esteem: Low self-esteem plagues many women due to unrealistic societal expectations around beauty and womanhood. Again, exerting control as a means of coping is not a far reach for a person who doesn’t love themselves. There is a fear of their low sense of self-worth being confirmed by those they love.
• She fears being “out of control”: The fear of being “out of control” is also linked to anxiety disorders. When this fear becomes prominent in a person’s thought process, they will likely respond by attempting to exert control in their life.
• She has been through trauma: Trauma, including sexual trauma, childhood trauma, and medical trauma, often leaves a person feeling powerless. One way to reclaim one’s power is to exert control over the environment and even the people in their life.⁶
• She has someone in her life trying to control her: Often, humans use defensive mechanisms to manage life stressors. One such defensive mechanism is displacement. Displacement is when someone is being mistreated (i.e., controlled), and instead of addressing the person mistreating them, they mistreat someone else in a similar way.