What Does It Mean to Be Greyromantic?

Do Greyromantic People Experience Attraction?

Greyromantic individuals do not frequently experience romantic attraction, but there may be instances in which they do feel romantically attracted to someone. They may also feel deep emotional attraction to others.² They may feel connected on a deep level with their friends but not feel the type of attraction that involves the desire for romantic behavior or a sense of romantic love.

Sexual Attraction Vs. Romantic Attraction

Many people assume that sexual and romantic attraction happen simultaneously. However, these are two quite different types of attraction, and people may experience only one of these, both of these, or neither of these towards other people. Romantic attraction refers to the desire to engage in a romantic relationship, and sexual attraction refers only to the desire to engage in sexual activities with a person. People may identify across a spectrum in many unique, personal ways.³

Greyromantic Vs. Greysexual

Just as there are different identities related to the amount or absence of romantic attraction a person experiences, there are somewhat parallel differences regarding sexual attraction. Greyromantic falls along the aromantic spectrum between never feeling romantic attraction toward another person and constantly feeling romantic attraction.

There is also a sexuality spectrum and an asexuality spectrum. Greysexuals fall along the asexual spectrum in a parallel location as greyromantics on the aromantic spectrum. Greysexuals sometimes experience sexual attraction for another, but not consistently. The object of a greyromantic or greysexual’s feelings can be someone of the same or different gender identity or sex identity.

8 Signs You Might Be Greyromantic

Because there are so many labels for aspects of romantic identities, some people may feel that there is only one “right way” of identifying as greyromantic. However, there is no single way to experience this aspect of identity. Depending on your gender identity or gender expression, as well as your cultural or social expectations, your expression of greyromantic identity may differ from other similar people.

Below are eight signs that you might be greyromantic:

1. You Don’t Relate to Romantic Media

You just don’t respond to romantic stories like others do. Love stories are seldom compelling, and you don’t understand the hype around romantic gestures. If you’re greyromantic, dating and matchmaking shows don’t interest you, and romantic movies don’t have you sitting on the edge of your seat to see if a couple winds up together. Romance novels never make your reading list.

2. You Have Romantic Feelings But Don’t Want a Relationship

If you sometimes experience romantic feelings towards someone but have no desire to establish or maintain a romantic relationship, you may be greyromantic. While a fleeting romantic attraction may arise, engaging in a romantic pursuit or romantic relationship with the object of your feelings holds no interest.

3. You Only Feel Romantic Attraction in Certain Situations

While you may not have a strong interest in developing romantic relationships, there may be times when you do feel romantic attraction to someone. Some greyromantics may find romantic feelings arising with someone with whom they have deep emotional intimacy. No single set of circumstances encourages romantic feelings to develop for greyromantics, but being emotionally connected to a person may be one facilitating factor for romantic attraction.

4. You May Experience Sexual Attraction With No Desire for Romantic Connection

You may experience sexual and physical attraction to others, although you have no accompanying romantic or emotional attraction to those individuals. You don’t feel that you need to have any type of romantic relationship with a person to whom you are sexually attracted. You may or may not identify as greysexual; romantic and sexual attraction differ.

5. You May Enjoy Intimate Relationships But Not Romantic Relationships

While you may not desire to engage in romantic activities, including dating, you may find satisfaction and pleasure in emotionally intimate relationships with others. You enjoy spending time with people you care about but don’t experience the desire to engage in romantic activities. You may be especially close to someone of the same gender or a different gender but have no romantic feelings for them.

6. You Don’t Feel Something’s “Missing” Without a Romantic Partner

You don’t understand people who feel something is wrong with them if they don’t have a romantic partner. You don’t feel incomplete or as if you are missing out on anything by being single. You don’t see the negatives of being independent and appreciate being free to decide how you spend your time or live your life without consulting with a partner.

7. You Enjoy Friendship But Don’t Crave “More”

You may take great pleasure in hanging out with friends of all genders but never feel the need for a close friendship to “go to the next level.” You may feel confused about what the “next level” would mean or how it could make the relationship any better than it currently is. Being “more than friends” isn’t something you are interested in.

8. You Don’t Long for a Romantic Happily Ever After

If asked to imagine your “perfect life,” love and romance would not even figure into it tangentially. You feel complete by yourself, and “happily ever after” is about you achieving your goals and dreams, not finding one special someone to be by your side through thick and thin.

How to Celebrate Being Greyromantic

People may grow up feeling that there are certain expectations they should meet regarding their gender identity, romantic orientation, sexual orientation, or sexual identity. When people realize it’s okay to be just as they are, they often experience liberation and freedom. There is not just one single right way to be, and everyone, no matter how divergent their identity, should embrace and celebrate their unique identities.

Here are some ways to celebrate or showcase your greyromanticism:

• Learn about greyromanticism: Search reputable websites to learn more about what it means to be greyromantic. Understanding the romantic orientation spectrum can help you better understand yourself.
• Learn more about greyromanticism: Check research articles about the aromantic spectrum and various romantic orientations. Explore the research and celebrate the work to help others understand people like you.
• Find out more about the lives of greyromantics: Search media portrayals or literary stories of greyromantic individuals. Learning how others have experienced their identities and how their greyromantic identity has influenced their lives can be empowering and reassuring.
• Connect with other greyromantics: Seek online websites for groups celebrating diverse romantic orientations. There may be online networks, meet-up groups, and advocacy groups.
• Attend greyromantic events: Look for groups that sponsor support groups, social events, or advocacy projects for individuals who identify as greyromantic. You may need to look for events that include a wider group, so be ready to attend events that are not specifically limited to greyromantic individuals.
• Read an online greyromantic person’s blog: Hearing the experiences of someone similar to you, straight from their perspective, can be validating. Knowing that others have faced the confusion, struggles, or joys you’ve faced can build a sense of connection, even if it’s a virtual connection.
• Start your online blog: Creating a blog can serve two important purposes. For one, it allows you to write down your thoughts and feelings about your identity, which can provide you with a better understanding of yourself. Secondly, you are providing a service to readers of your blog who identify as greyromantic, which can be validating for readers.
• Advocate for diverse groups. One of the most powerful ways to embrace and celebrate your unique identity is to advocate for yourself, others, and other related or unrelated identity groups. When we take action for something that matters, personal benefits are matched by the larger benefits we generate.

Do I Need to Label My Greyromanticism?

Every person is entitled to experience, or not experience, their level of romantic attraction to others. Your romantic orientation, just like one’s sexual orientation, is just another component of your overall identity. Finding out that there is a name for your feelings can be validating. Before realizing that there is a name or label for your feelings, it can be confusing and isolating. Coming out about this aspect of yourself with others can feel liberating when you open up to people you care about and who care about you.

Deciding to come out to others can take courage. Be prepared for a range of reactions from others.⁴ It can be helpful to feel people out about their opinions on sexual or romantic diversity before coming out. Choose to share first with people who make you feel safe. Recognize others may be confused or upset at your news, but remind yourself and others that labels are not important as you are still the person you were before you came out.

How to Support Someone Who is Greyromantic

If someone comes out to you as greyromantic, remember that this person is who they were before they came out to you. While greyromantic individuals may not experience romantic feelings the same way you do, that does not mean they do not have the same need for support and understanding.

Below are tips for being an ally for greyromantic people: 

• Be accepting: When someone shares their romantic identity, remember that this person is the same person they were before they shared this information with you. Accept them as they are.
• Show respect: It takes courage to share something as personal as romantic orientation with others, so honor this person with the respect you feel your romantic orientation deserves, whatever it may be.
• Educate yourself: When we learn about new types of identities of any type, we must learn as much as we can about that identity to better understand others.
• Listen to the experiences shared by greyromantic individuals: Rather than peppering someone with questions, just invite them to share whatever they feel comfortable sharing with you.
• Don’t make jokes at the person’s expense: Some people make a joke or try to use humor when they are in an uncomfortable situation. There’s a risk that your humor may be inappropriate now and may come across as making fun of someone who has just shared something important with you.
• Advocate for this person: If this is a friend, be a buffer between your friend and anyone who is showing disrespect for them. Support them when others quiz them about partners, set them up on dates, or ask inappropriate questions.
• Check-in before you bring up potentially hot-topic conversations: If your friend is uncomfortable discussing your romantic relationships, hearing about dates, going to romantic movies, etc., validate their preferences and move on to something else.

When Therapy Can Help

Everyone should feel comfortable about their identity and should ideally not be made uncomfortable by others. If someone you care about identifies as greyromantic, remember that this is not something that needs to be fixed. If someone feels that others are denigrating their sense of self or self-esteem due to their greyromantic identity, they may benefit from seeking support from a professional.

Therapy also provides a space to explore one’s identity. If you identify as greyromantic and are interested in finding a counselor who can best support you, you may want to compare the Best LGBTQ+ online therapy options when looking for an LGBTQIA+ therapist, In addition, you can search an online therapist directory for in-person and virtual therapy options.