Assertiveness: What It Is & How to Improve

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness refers to respectfully and confidently expressing individual thoughts and feelings. Being assertive offers the best chance of accurately sharing beliefs and opinions because most individuals respond well to positive communication. However, assertive communication is not universal, meaning what may qualify as assertive for one person may not for another. Therefore, people should focus on developing assertiveness skills that fit their unique situations, personalities, and needs.

Using other methods, such as aggression or passive-aggression, increases the risk of not being heard or violating the rights and feelings of others.¹ Assertiveness does not magically erase problems or resolve disagreements but can minimize conflict and boost healthy relationships with friends, family, and coworkers.

Common assertive communication skills include:^1,2

• Being interested in personal needs and the needs of the audience
• Clearly and directly expressing needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs
• Remaining respectful, even in times of frustration and disagreement
• Feeling comfortable asking for help when needed
• Feeling confident and able to make choices
• Possessing the ability to say no when the situation warrants
• Taking responsibility for the feelings rather than blaming others
• Keeping comfortable eye contact
• Standing up straight with appropriate posture
• Speaking at an even rate, tone, and volume
• Nodding to show engagement during conversations
• Smiling or having a relaxed facial expression

Assertiveness Vs. Other Communication Methods

Assertive behavior and communication incorporate the best qualities of other styles, excluding the unfavorable, unhelpful, or unhealthy characteristics. Communication exists on a spectrum, with passive on one side and aggressive on the other. While passive or aggressive methods can be helpful in some situations, assertiveness is often the most effective choice.

Assertive Vs. Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communication solely focuses on achieving personal needs and wants without regard for the feelings or well-being of others. A person using this form may appear angry through harsh language or name-calling. Some may excuse their behavior by saying they are “just being honest” or telling the truth.

However, these people practice aggressive communication to get what they want without respecting those around them. Assertive individuals never stoop to a place of name-calling or bullying because they value respect and compromise.

Assertive Vs. Passive Communication

Assertive individuals state their opinions and beliefs to others respectfully and attentively, while passive individuals hyperfixate on accidentally hurting others, often neglecting their own needs.

People who use passive communication may struggle to say “no,” feel uncomfortable making decisions, or speak quietly. Some may completely avoid situations that require honesty or self-advocacy to limit the risks of offending others. Conversely, assertiveness aims to reduce conflict and treat others politely but not at the cost of honesty or self-respect.

Assertive Vs. Passive-Aggressive Communication

Passive-aggressive communication involves many shifts and changes from one problematic style to another. In practice, passive-aggressiveness shares more similarities with the selfishness of aggressive communication. However, individuals may use sarcasm and indecision because they struggle with direct confrontation.⁵

A passive-aggressive individual may present one way to a person only to give completely different opinions and beliefs to another. This lack of consistency is the most notable difference between assertive and passive-aggressive communication.

Examples of Assertiveness

Assertive communication skills help align you with your needs and boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. Practicing assertiveness can lead to more meaningful relationships and be essential for building healthy self-esteem.

Making Eye Contact

Different cultures place varying emphasis on eye contact. Americans often view maintaining eye contact as respectful, and people who succeed in this skill are more likely to appear confident and competent. Aim to establish and maintain eye contact (for at least 70% of the time) before you begin speaking.

Feeling Proud of Your Accomplishments

Many people downplay their successes because they worry about being perceived as egotistical. However, self-pride allows you to honor your achievements. Self-love starts with celebrating your success as you would your loved ones.

Taking Responsibility for Your Mistakes

Healthy assertion also requires being honest with yourself. Identify and hold yourself accountable when you hurt others or commit some wrongdoing. Try to avoid displaying defensiveness, even when you feel offended. Emotional maturity is owning your mistakes while striving to improve moving forward.

Expressing Your Thoughts & Opinions

Assertive people respectfully and honestly share their thoughts, feelings, and needs with others. This behavior often yields better results than passive (because people feel compelled to guess your thoughts) or aggressive (people feel threatened or anxious in your presence) communication.

Why Is Assertiveness Important?

Showing high levels of assertiveness is extremely important and beneficial for all parties involved. Being assertive increases the chances of feeling understood, valued, and respected by others. Whether the focus is tangible or symbolic outcomes, assertiveness is a wonderful tool to enact change.

Most importantly, assertiveness results in less stress. Aggressive communication can lead to tension and poor relationships, while passive communication may end with obligations from an inability to say no. Either way, a person is burdened with more stress, worry, and anxiety. On the other hand, assertive communication sets healthy boundaries to reduce and resolve conflict.⁵

Benefits of assertive communication include:^3,5

• Stronger and healthier relationships
• Increased sense of power and control in life
• Self-understanding of thoughts, feelings, and goals
• Decreased risk of confusion, confrontation, or conflict
• Improved self-worth and confidence
• Increased respect between parties
• Ability to express needs, wants, rights, and feelings openly
• Decreased stress and anxiety

Are There Any Risks to Being More Assertive?

The main risk of being more assertive is that other people may respond unfavorably. These reactions may be especially likely in contexts where you typically take a more passive approach. Others may have grown to expect a “go with the flow” attitude and getting what they want from you. For this reason, some people find their relationships change once they embrace more assertiveness.

How to Be More Assertive

You can become more assertive no matter where your communication currently stands. Fortunately, honing this skill is simple, streamlined, and only requires some practice. Asserting yourself to others may seem challenging, but positive communication provides long-term benefits.

Below are 13 tips for becoming more assertive:^1,2,4

1. Keep Communication Clear

People can over-complicate the situation when they try to improve communication. The best assertive communication techniques are simple, direct, and clear. There is no need for flowery language or long monologues. You want the other people to leave the situation knowing exactly where you stand on any issues.

2. Provide Options & Ask for a Choice

Becoming more assertive starts with open communication and dialogue. Success increases when you offer several comfortable choices for the other party during conflict or discord. Giving people an “either/ or” option creates the illusion of control and can help resolve arguments.

3. Keep It Consistent

Inconsistency impedes healthy assertiveness techniques. A person will continue to test your boundaries if they believe you will change your mind with nagging or persistence. Practice the “broken record” technique of repeatedly expressing yourself in the same way until the person receives the message.

4. Be Mindful of Your Body Language

Body language can change your communication and how other people perceive you. Be sure to maintain comfortable eye contact, sit or stand in open ways, nod to show you are listening, and avoid overtly passive or aggressive movements to increase your success.

5. Be a Communication Robot & Focus on Facts

Expressing your emotions is a great way to establish your point of view. However, becoming overly emotional decreases your ability to be assertive. Limit your feelings and focus on facts to maximize the potential for success. Discounting your stance becomes easy when you become emotional. Being a “communication robot” ensures that other people hear you without thinking you are “just upset.”

6. Manage Your Mental Health

Several mental health conditions can significantly impair your level of communication. Depression, anxiety disorders, and high stress can make assertive communication seem impossible. Seeking treatment to address these issues can indirectly boost your assertiveness.

7. Be a Great Listener

Being a great listener is a frequently overlooked part of assertive communication. You can only respond effectively if you know what the other person is saying. Stay calm, slow down, and listen to achieve the best possible outcome.

8. Use “I” Statements

“I” statements often sound like, “I feel ___ when ___,” or “I expect ___.” This language conveys a sense of ownership and responsibility for your feelings or expectations. I statements can be beneficial when setting boundaries with others, allowing you to express what you need from the other person.

9. Practice Eye Contact

One of the most beneficial assertive communication tips is practicing more eye contact in your conversations. As mentioned earlier, people who master this skill are often perceived to be more confident and competent. Eye contact also helps you feel more connected to others, which is important for establishing a sense of emotional intimacy.

10. Learn to Say “No”

Assertiveness often comes down to saying “no.” This skill can be challenging to master–do not overlook the importance of taking baby steps. For example, you might say no to random social obligations that feel like more work than recreation. Or, you may commit to learning to say no at work.

11. Plan & Rehearse Important Conversations

Self-assertiveness is a skill that takes time to develop. Consider rehearsing assertive communication if you feel anxious about a particular interpersonal dynamic. Doing so offers opportunities to practice your speech and imagine any potential responses. You may feel more comfortable when the situation unfolds in real life.

12. Be Open to Feedback

Be open to feedback if you want to know how to be more assertive at work or in other social settings. For example, take comments seriously if people consistently say you come across as too harsh or hard to read. These traits don’t make you a bad person, but growth starts with gaining this awareness.

13. Avoid Trying to Control Others

Practicing assertiveness does not mean assuming a position of power. You ultimately cannot control other people. Instead, focus on what you can control–your own reactions and your role in relationships. Setting boundaries about what you won’t condone is reasonable, but manipulating or threatening others to act in specific ways is never okay.

When to Get Help for Being More Assertive

Many people struggle with balancing communication skills and practicing assertiveness. Some professionals may offer assertiveness skills training while addressing any mental health conditions influencing your communication. Seeking support can be helpful if conflict, confrontations, and poor communication cause significant distress.

Mental health therapists are tremendous resources for communication skills, and finding the right therapist may be simpler than you think. Consider using an online therapist directory to locate a professional specializing in communication and relationships.