Possible Reasons Why You Feel Like, “I Can’t Make Friends”

Reasons Why You Can’t Easily Make Friends

People struggle to make friends for many reasons, and you certainly aren’t alone if you’re having a hard time. It’s often harder to make friends as an adult (people are busier, and getting together requires planning and effort). In addition, it’s easy to neglect friendships for other obligations like work, romantic relationships, and family.

Below are some reasons why you can’t make friends:

You Are Extremely Busy

It’s no secret that people are busy. Prioritizing friendships requires setting aside time to reach out, connect, and spend time with others. If you don’t have that time available, it can be challenging to build such connections.

Research shows that, on average, people spend 30 hours with someone before considering them to be a casual friend and 140 hours before considering them to be a good friend. Best friendships occur after about 300 hours spent together.¹ These numbers are averages, but they speak to the dedication spent on forming friendships.

You Have Anxiety

Anxiety disorders can affect how you feel when you’re around other people. It may be hard to relax and enjoy time with others when you feel worried. Social anxiety disorder, in particular, refers to feeling preoccupied with how other people perceive you. This can result in feelings of discomfort and social awkwardness, which can coincide with social withdrawal and/or avoiding real emotional intimacy with others.

You Are Very Introverted

It’s a damaging misconception that introverts don’t value friendship, but some indicate that it’s challenging to make friends. Sometimes this happens because others perceive them as uninterested or aloof (even when that’s not the case). Other times, they may feel awkward approaching others who could potentially become friends, like coworkers or classmates, or spending time within larger groups.

You Don’t Stay Connected to Old Friends

Meeting people is one thing, but truly making friends requires a take-and-give energy where both people reach out to one another. If you don’t respond to people regularly- or you turn down social invitations- others may get the impression that you aren’t as interested in maintaining the friendship, and this can cause others to pull away.

You Haven’t Put Yourself Out There

If you want to make new friends, you must expose yourself to social situations where you can meet people. Even though this may feel uncomfortable, it’s part of the process. Whether you choose to engage in a new hobby, attend a social gathering, or even meet up with someone else’s friends, it’s important to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Impacts of Not Having Any Friends

Humans are biologically wired to be social creatures and there are many impacts when you don’t have friends. We not only rely on people for emotional support, but we connect with others as a means of essential survival. Friendship offers companionship, safety, and prosocial guidance. It’s absolutely possible to be happy alone, but persistent loneliness can cause touch starvation, worsen self-esteem, and exacerbate symptoms of depression.

Friendship doesn’t just boost your emotional well-being. It’s also paramount to your physical health. Research shows that social isolation and loneliness may increase one’s susceptibility to numerous health conditions, including heart disease and dementia. One documented study has found that prolonged loneliness may be just as dangerous to one’s health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.²

Below are possible impacts of not having friends:

• Feelings of loneliness: Friends provide comfort and connection, which can counteract feelings of loneliness.
• Lack of belonging: Friends also offer a sense of belonging, which is an important part of our overall happiness and mental well-being.³
• More stress: Spending time with friends feels good, which helps manage and even reduce stress levels.
• Unhealthy habits: Good friends often influence people to make good, proactive decisions.⁴
• Excessive dependence on your partner: People without friends may rely too much on their romantic partners, which can cause problems within their relationship.

10 Tips for Making Friends

No matter your current life circumstances, it’s possible to start making friends. However, it’s important to be aware that making friends can be a trial-and-error process. With that, having the right mindset is the first step toward forming new connections. Striving to be consistent and optimistic with your efforts can help you feel encouraged as you navigate this new phase.

The following are 10 things to try if you have no friends:

1. Accept the Possibility of Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable risk when making relationships with other people. With that in mind, learning how to deal with rejection can help you feel more empowered. Rejection isn’t always about you, and it’s impossible to connect with every person you meet. If you can accept this fear more, you might find it easier to put yourself out there.

2. Practice More Small Talk

If you struggle with shyness or social anxiety, simply practicing small talk can strengthen your interpersonal social skills. Small talk offers a low-pressure way to interact with others. It’s as simple as saying hello to your neighbor or asking your cashier how their day is going. In many ways, being social begets being social, which increases the opportunity for deeper connections.

3. Reconnect With Old Friends

It may be worth reconnecting with old friends as a way of prioritizing friendship. The good news is that you already have a shared history. Today, it’s easier than ever to reconnect- you can send a text or reach out on social media and let them know you’ve been thinking about them. As the conversation flows, you may decide to initiate getting together in person.

4. Get to Know Your Coworkers

Work offers a great opportunity for forming friendships. You already have an existing foundation of working together, which can segue into natural conversation. The key is to make an effort to connect more authentically and regularly. This may mean eating lunch in shared office space, asking if a coworker needs help with a project, or bringing shared snacks for your colleagues to enjoy.

5. Work on Being the Friend You Want to Have

It’s important to be honest about your own personality when it comes to making friends. For example, if you’re often cynical or mean to others, that energy might turn others away. If you don’t have interesting things to talk about, conversations might become awkward. Working on yourself may mean prioritizing your own emotional well-being, which can, in turn, attract others.

6. Find a Social Hobby

Whether it’s an old or new hobby, passions are a great way to connect with other like-minded people. Having a shared interest in common offers an easy conversation starting point. As you go to various social events, try to embrace the mentality that most people are there because they also value meeting new people.

7. Try Volunteering

Service work is great for the planet, and it feels good to give back. But research also shows that, at all ages, volunteering increases relationship skills and helps you make new friends.⁵ In addition, getting involved with the community strengthens your general social ties, which can, in turn, increase your overall support network.

8. Try Friendship Apps

Many people find great friends through friendship apps. For example, Meetup is well-known for connecting like-minded people through shared social settings. Bumble BFF is the friendship equivalent of the Bumble dating app. Nextdoor connects neighbors. Peanut is a social networking app for pregnant and new mothers. Friender helps suggest friends to you based on mutual interests.

9. Follow-Up with People

Meeting people is the first step toward forming friendships. But nothing moves forward if people don’t make a follow-up effort. Sometimes, you will need to be the one to initiate that first connection. After meeting someone new, consider sending a simple text like, It was great talking to you today. Would you want to grab coffee next week? 

10. Consider Seeking Therapy

Feeling anxious around others is normal, but if it interferes with your ability to make friends, this could be a sign that you might benefit from therapy. In addition, if you struggle with consistently low self-esteem, that might hinder your ability to reach out and connect with others. In-person or online therapy options can help you strengthen your social skills.

In My Experience

We’re in a loneliness epidemic, and it’s affecting people of all ages. Friendship isn’t just a nice luxury- it’s an essential part of our emotional and physical well-being. From this perspective, making and keeping such connections should be prioritized as much as any other health measure. If you’re struggling to make friends, there is hope. Keep trying and stay committed to getting to know others. Even making one genuine connection can make a significant difference in how you feel.