Unfortunately, dealing with mean people is an occasional part of life. When someone is unkind for seemingly no reason, it can be difficult to know how to respond. It can be even more difficult to show compassion towards someone who is acting this way. Knowing reasons why someone might act mean could help provide understanding and can help protect you from being harmed by the effects of their behavior.
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Why Are People So Mean?
Knowing that people’s behaviors often have nothing to do with you is an important step in learning about why people act the way they do. Therefore, when someone is mean, they often have one of a number of issues going on that are causing this behavior.
Although none of the reasons are an excuse to act unkind, here are 16 reasons why people can be mean:
1. They Have Low Self-Esteem
Those with higher self esteem have greater success in interpersonal relationships.1
Someone who does not think very highly of themselves might not be conscious of how their behavior comes across- or they may be more likely to act in unkind ways due to struggling more in interpersonal relationships.
2. They Are In an Unfulfilling Relationship
If someone is unhappy in their relationship, this can carry over into their daily life. For example, if someone is in a sexless marriage, this can contribute to resentment and frustration that might recklessly come out at innocent people.
3. They Are Struggling Financially
Dealing with something such as financial stress can make a person mean due to the amount of pressure and stress being experienced in their personal life.
4. They Struggle to Regulate Their Emotions
Someone who struggles with emotional regulation may become mean to others. This can happen with people with intellectual disabilities or neurodiversity, those who have mental illness or struggle with mental health symptoms.
Those who experienced traumatic histories, especially emotional neglect in childhood or adulthood, often struggle to regulate their emotions when faced with difficult or stressful situations, and might lash out in a mean way towards others around them.
5. They Have a Personality Disorder
Having a personality disorder can cause a person to be mean to others. Because of the way that many personality disorders manifest, people might not understand the way their behaviors impact others. Or, they may struggle with insight into the appropriate way to respond when upset.
Those with borderline personality disorder, for example, often find that they struggle with things such as emotional regulation and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. People who have narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder are known to lash out when their feelings of superiority or control are threatened.
6. There Are Cultural Differences
Sometimes, cultural differences can result in someone perceiving another person as being mean. What is considered mean in one culture might not be considered such in another culture, thus leading to a cultural difference.
Many times there is not one correct way of doing this, but rather many different understandings of the same idea or situation. People who are acting mean could be doing so because they are not mindful of cultural sensitivity or norms.
7. They Like Attention, Even If It’s Negative
Some people like the negative attention they receive while being mean towards others. Sometimes, in the absence of any available positive attention, negative attention acts as a stand in for the attention that the person needs.
Researchers found that those who are “socially deprived” and who have “high need for approval” were found to prefer negative attention to indifference from others around them.2
8. They Have a Traumatic Past
Having a traumatic history, especially those who experienced childhood trauma, makes people much more likely to act in unkind ways towards others. Having a traumatic history is never a reason to treat others badly, but it can be common- especially for those who have not yet done the work of healing from trauma.
For example, a person who feels they are physically unattractive, or who doesn’t have a position of power, might hate people who are considered attractive or have power and status. This person could “team up” with others and bully the person they perceive as unfairly privileged.
9. They Are Jealous of You
Jealousy is a human experience that most people can relate to. However, it is stigmatized- and even forbidden in many faiths. Thus, those who are experiencing jealousy are much less likely to be comfortable acknowledging this feeling inside them.
Instead, their negative behaviors might be a result of this jealousy that they are unable to recognize, and therefore unable to deal with, so they target the person who they feel jealous of as a way to cope with their own feelings of inadequacy.
10. They Just Experienced a Stressful Situation
Someone’s behavior in the immediate aftermath of a stressful situation such as a car accident or job loss might not be their best behavior. Most people are not themselves after a situation such as that, and might act unkind to others, even if this is not the way they would normally act.
11. Their Behaviors Are Remembered More
All of us have had the experience of being mean to another person at some point in life. It is nothing to be proud of, but it is also a part of the human experience. However, most people can look back on their bad behavior with remorse and even embarrassment, wishing that they had not handled themselves in this way.
Unfortunately, people are more likely to remember mean behavior than neutral behavior that might go unnoticed and unremembered. “We remember the facts important to our lives and the tasks that we repeat frequently. The rest of our daily experiences rarely become long-lasting memories.”3
12. They Are Projecting
Those who are uncomfortable with themselves often engage in projection, where they assign their uncomfortable emotions and feelings to others. For example, if someone is uncomfortable with how angry they are and unable to recognize this behavior in themselves, they are likely to project that anger onto others- saying that they are angry.
Likewise, those who are told they are angry are more likely to project that behavior onto others, perceiving the other people as being angry- or mean.4
13. They Are in Physical Pain
Dealing with physical pain, whether it is chronic or a recent injury, can make people more likely to speak or act in unkind ways. Even if they do not mean to be unkind, the fact that they are in pain might make them sound like they are being aggressive- such as if they say something through gritted teeth or while sighing loudly.
14. They Are Dealing with Depression
Those who are struggling with depression have a shorter temper, and might be more irritable to those around them. While this is often a reflection of how they feel inside rather than how they feel about others in their life, it can still come across as mean.
15. You Trigger Them
Maybe you remind them of their mother, who was impossible to please. Or perhaps you remind them of a cousin who bullied them. Either way, if there is something about your personality that makes them feel uncomfortable, they might be more likely to act in mean ways.
16. They Learned this Behavior
Some people act in mean ways because that is what they learned in their family of origin or home environment. Humans learn social behavior from watching and interacting with others, and will adapt their behavior accordingly.5 This is often why people who spend a lot of time with a new crowd will start to act like those people.
Intentional Vs. Unintentional Meanness
There is a difference between intentional and unintentional meanness. While everyone has the ability to act in unkind ways from time to time, they likely do not do this intentionally.
Someone who is intentionally cruel does so purposefully. Those are people who should be avoided, as they have no insight or remorse for their behavior and how they hurt others.
How to Cope with People Being So Mean
Feeling like everyone is always being mean can result in a person developing symptoms of low self esteem, depression, or anxiety which is incredibly difficult. However, there are ways to cope.
Some ways to cope with everyone being so mean include:
Identify Why They Are Being So Mean
Identifying the reason a person is being mean can help you to not internalize the meanness. Although there is never an excuse for mean behavior, understanding the reasons behind it can help you avoid taking it personally.
While it’s no excuse, some people can become mean because they didn’t want anyone to come into their life and “rock the boat”. For example, if they were the best and fastest player on their sports team, they might get angry and mean when they find out that someone else might unseat them from their top position.
Walk Away
Sometimes it is necessary to separate yourself from the person who is acting badly. In these instances, walking away is important to cope with meanness. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation.
Focus on Self-Love
Experiencing unkindness can be difficult, and can have lasting effects. If you have experienced someone being mean, it is important to take time to show yourself self love. Remind yourself that you did not deserve this behavior, and take extra time to practice self care.
Talk It Out in Therapy
If you find that you are having a lot of experiences of people being mean to you, or you are unable to work through a particular event that happened, therapy can help. There are many ways that therapy can benefit a person who struggles with being on the receiving end of unkindness.
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Be Kind to Others
Research shows that those who are treated with kindness are more likely to be kind back.6 Therefore, if you continue to show kindness towards someone who is acting unkind, they will be more likely to change their behaviors. Be kind to others in your life so you won’t let the mean person’s effects change who you are.
Talk to Them
It might be the case that the person does not know how they came across to others. Talk to them about what the experience of their words or behavior was like to them, and this might help them develop more insight.
Continue to Act in Appropriate Ways in Public
Social learning theory suggests that people can learn new, more appropriate ways of interacting with others simply by watching and learning from others around them.5 Try not to look at the mean person as any type of model of behavior, and seek out healthier relationships with people who behave in a way that is more productive and socially appropriate than those who are acting mean.
Look at the Bigger Picture
If the person was mean to you one time, this is different than an ongoing pattern of bad behaviors. It’s best to avoid them and let them work out their own mental health issues without you as their victim. If this was an outlier, consider that the person is having a bad day or did not mean it and don’t hold it against them because we all have bad days.
How Mental Health Struggles Can Cause This Thought
If somebody is struggling with their mental health they may be more likely to perceive others as being constantly mean. This is because mental health struggles can make us see the world through a warped lens, changing our perception of others behavior and making us more sensitive to the actions and words of those around us.
Having depression, for example, can cause the thought that everyone is being so mean. Those who struggle with personality disorders are also more likely to have this thought.
When to Seek Professional Support
Dealing with unkind people from time to time is an inevitable part of life, and usually manageable with some self reflection and self love. However, there are instances in which a person should consider seeking professional help to address any negative symptoms that develop from everyone being so mean. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a good choice for finding a therapist.
In My Experience
In my experience, we all act in ways that are unkind at times. The difference between someone who does so occasionally and someone who is cruel is that people who have moments of meanness are likely to look back on our behavior with remorse and recognize that this was not a good representation of ourselves. Those who grew up with poor examples of communication in their family environment are more likely to act in unkind ways rather than being direct about their feelings. However, working through our trauma history and learning how to improve our interpersonal relationships can help decrease this behavior by replacing it with more effective and healthy communication.
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