Why Are People So Mean? 16 Reasons & How to Cope

Why Are People So Mean?

Knowing that people’s behaviors often have nothing to do with you is an important step in learning about why people act the way they do. Therefore, when someone is mean, they often have one of a number of issues going on that are causing this behavior.

16 Reasons Why People Are So Mean

Although none of these reasons excuse mean or harmful behavior, they can help explain why someone might act unkind. People may lash out when dealing with personal struggles, unresolved trauma, or feelings of inadequacy. By understanding the root cause of their behavior, you can better protect your emotional well-being and respond appropriately—whether by setting boundaries, showing compassion, or distancing yourself when necessary.

Here are 16 reasons why people can be mean:

1. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Those with higher self esteem have greater success in interpersonal relationships.¹

Someone who does not think very highly of themselves might not be conscious of how their behavior comes across- or they may be more likely to act in unkind ways due to struggling more in interpersonal relationships.

2. They Are In an Unfulfilling Relationship

When someone is unhappy in their relationship, the emotional strain can spill over into other areas of their life. For example, dissatisfaction or unresolved issues, such as a lack of intimacy or a sexless marriage, can lead to frustration and resentment that is misdirected at others, even those who have nothing to do with the problem.

3. They Are Struggling Financially

Dealing with something such as financial stress can make a person mean due to the amount of pressure and stress being experienced in their personal life.

4. They Struggle to Regulate Their Emotions

Someone who struggles with emotional regulation may become mean to others. This can happen with people with intellectual disabilities or neurodiversity, those who have mental illness or struggle with mental health symptoms.

Those who experienced traumatic histories, especially emotional neglect in childhood or adulthood, often struggle to regulate their emotions when faced with difficult or stressful situations, and might lash out in a mean way towards others around them.

5. They Have a Personality Disorder

Having a personality disorder can cause a person to be mean to others. Because of the way that many personality disorders manifest, people might not understand the way their behaviors impact others. Or, they may struggle with insight into the appropriate way to respond when upset.

Those with borderline personality disorder, for example, often find that they struggle with things such as emotional regulation and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. People who have narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder are known to lash out when their feelings of superiority or control are threatened.

6. There Are Cultural Differences

Cultural differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, where behavior considered acceptable in one culture is perceived as mean in another. What one person views as blunt or direct may be seen as rude by someone from a different cultural background. In many cases, there is no single “correct” approach, just varying perspectives. People may unintentionally come across as mean if they are unaware of cultural norms or fail to practice cultural sensitivity.

7. They Like Attention, Even If It’s Negative

Some people seek attention—positive or negative. In the absence of positive attention, they may resort to mean behavior to gain recognition.

Researchers found that those who are “socially deprived” and who have “high need for approval” were found to prefer negative attention to indifference from others around them.²

8. They Have a Traumatic Past

People with unresolved trauma, particularly childhood trauma, may act mean due to emotional wounds they haven’t yet healed.

For example, a person who feels they are physically unattractive, or who doesn’t have a position of power, might hate people who are considered attractive or have power and status. This person could “team up” with others and bully the person they perceive as unfairly privileged.

9. They Are Jealous of You

Jealousy is a common human experience, but it’s often stigmatized and difficult for people to acknowledge. When someone feels jealous but can’t recognize or manage the emotion, it may manifest as negative behavior. Instead of addressing their own insecurities, they may target the person they envy as a way to cope with feelings of inadequacy.

10. They Just Experienced a Stressful Situation

Someone’s behavior in the immediate aftermath of a stressful situation such as a car accident or job loss might not be their best behavior. Most people are not themselves after a situation such as that, and might act unkind to others, even if this is not the way they would normally act.

11. Their Behaviors Are Remembered More

All of us have had the experience of being mean to another person at some point in life. It is nothing to be proud of, but it is also a part of the human experience. However, most people can look back on their bad behavior with remorse and even embarrassment, wishing that they had not handled themselves in this way.

Unfortunately, people are more likely to remember mean behavior than neutral behavior that might go unnoticed and unremembered. “We remember the facts important to our lives and the tasks that we repeat frequently. The rest of our daily experiences rarely become long-lasting memories.”³

12. They Are Projecting

Those who are uncomfortable with themselves often engage in projection, where they assign their uncomfortable emotions and feelings to others. For example, if someone is uncomfortable with how angry they are and unable to recognize this behavior in themselves, they are likely to project that anger onto others- saying that they are angry.

Likewise, those who are told they are angry are more likely to project that behavior onto others, perceiving the other people as being angry- or mean.⁴

13. They Are in Physical Pain

Dealing with physical pain, whether it is chronic or a recent injury, can make people more likely to speak or act in unkind ways. Even if they do not mean to be unkind, the fact that they are in pain might make them sound like they are being aggressive- such as if they say something through gritted teeth or while sighing loudly.

14. They Are Dealing With Depression

Those who are struggling with depression have a shorter temper, and might be more irritable to those around them. While this is often a reflection of how they feel inside rather than how they feel about others in their life, it can still come across as mean.

15. You Trigger Them

Maybe you remind them of their mother, who was impossible to please. Or perhaps you remind them of a cousin who bullied them. Either way, if there is something about your personality that makes them feel uncomfortable, they might be more likely to act in mean ways.

16. They Learned this Behavior

Some people act in mean ways because that is what they learned in their family of origin or home environment. Humans learn social behavior from watching and interacting with others, and will adapt their behavior accordingly.⁵ This is often why people who spend a lot of time with a new crowd will start to act like those people.

Intentional Vs. Unintentional Meanness

Intentional meanness is deliberate and often stems from a lack of empathy or remorse. Unintentional meanness, on the other hand, may occur due to stress or emotional struggles without any intent to harm. Recognizing the difference can help you decide how to respond.

Someone who is intentionally cruel does so purposefully. Those are people who should be avoided, as they have no insight or remorse for their behavior and how they hurt others.

How to Cope With People Being So Mean

Feeling like everyone is always being mean can result in a person developing symptoms of low self esteem, depression, or anxiety which is incredibly difficult. However, there are ways to cope.

Some ways to cope with everyone being so mean include:

Identify Why They Are Being So Mean

Understanding the reason behind someone’s meanness can help you avoid taking it personally and protect your self-esteem. Although there is never an excuse for mean behavior, understanding the reasons behind it can help you avoid taking it personally.

While it’s no excuse, some people can become mean because they didn’t want anyone to come into their life and “rock the boat”. For example, if they were the best and fastest player on their sports team, they might get angry and mean when they find out that someone else might unseat them from their top position.

Walk Away

When someone’s behavior becomes too harmful, walking away can protect your mental well-being and prevent further conflict. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation.

Focus on Self-Love

Combat the effects of unkindness by focusing on self-love. Practice daily affirmations, journaling, or self-care activities to rebuild your confidence.

Talk It Out in Therapy

If you find that you are having a lot of experiences of people being mean to you, or you are unable to work through a particular event that happened, therapy can help. There are many ways that therapy can benefit a person who struggles with being on the receiving end of unkindness.

Be Kind to Others

Research shows that those who are treated with kindness are more likely to be kind back.⁶ Therefore, if you continue to show kindness towards someone who is acting unkind, they will be more likely to change their behaviors. Be kind to others in your life so you won’t let the mean person’s effects change who you are.

Talk to Them

It might be the case that the person does not know how they came across to others. Talk to them about what the experience of their words or behavior was like to them, and this might help them develop more insight.

Continue to Act in Appropriate Ways in Public

Social learning theory suggests that people can learn new, more appropriate ways of interacting with others simply by watching and learning from others around them.⁵ Try not to look at the mean person as any type of model of behavior, and seek out healthier relationships with people who behave in a way that is more productive and socially appropriate than those who are acting mean.

Look at the Bigger Picture

If the person was mean to you one time, this is different than an ongoing pattern of bad behaviors. It’s best to avoid them and let them work out their own mental health issues without you as their victim. If this was an outlier, consider that the person is having a bad day or did not mean it and don’t hold it against them because we all have bad days.

How Mental Health Struggles Can Cause You to Think People Are Mean

Mental health struggles can distort how we interpret the world, making us more sensitive to others’ behavior and leading to the perception that people are being mean. Conditions like depression can create a negative mental filter, causing harmless interactions to feel hurtful or hostile. Similarly, those with personality disorders may be more prone to misinterpreting others’ actions as intentionally unkind, further reinforcing feelings of isolation or rejection. Recognizing this mental distortion is a key step in managing these thoughts and seeking support when needed.

When to Seek Professional Support

Dealing with occasional unkindness is normal, but consider seeking professional support if:

• You constantly feel overwhelmed by negative interactions
• You experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem
• Self-help strategies are no longer effective
• You find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships

An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a good choice for finding a therapist.