Pets are sources of unconditional love,1 so the death of a pet can be just as impactful as that of a loved one2 As with all of our loved ones, it is natural and normal to grieve the death of a pet. Although the stages of grief model is commonly referred to when discussing death, our reactions to loss and grief are more diverse than those outlined in that model.
Understanding the Stages of Grief After Losing a Pet
People experience a wide variety of feelings when grieving the loss of a pet: anxiety, loneliness, sadness, a sense of relief or release, guilt, regret, or resentment after the loss of your pet.3, 4 Most people have heard of the five stages of grief, but many do not know that the model was based on people who were dying, not on people who were bereaved. In fact, there is actually no evidence that people go through grief in stages when dealing with the loss of a loved one, including pets.3
In her last book before her death, Dr. Elizabeth Kϋbler-Ross shared how the stages of grief model has been misused as grief is not something that happens in a particular way, along a specific straight pathway, or in a specific timeline. The “stages” in the stages of grief model can be responses people have after a loss of a pet, but grief is individual to every person.
Grieving the loss of a pet can come with some or none of the grief reactions highlighted in the widely-known stages of grief model. There are a broad range of reactions to pet loss, but some can be:
Shock
Feeling shocked is very common after someone’s death, especially if the loss was sudden or preventable. Unpredictable events, like a pet dying because of an accident or rapid illness, can lead to feeling stunned, numbness, and detachment. You might feel this way even if you expected your pet to pass away. You may not feel like eating, might have trouble sleeping, and/or making decisions after losing a pet. You may cry, call out for your pet, avoid things that remind you of your pet, or cherish objects that do.3
Denial
You might find it hard to believe your pet has died. Denial can help with the sense of shock some people experience, and may help you feel less overwhelmed with emotion. It can help pace the feelings that come with the loss of a pet.4 The grief process can also impact your thinking, a phenomenon known as grief brain. You might be confused, more forgetful, have dreams about your pet, or find yourself being preoccupied with thoughts about your pet.3
Anger
You might be angry or question why or how your pet died. Your anger can be a surface emotion leading the way to other emotions like panic or hurt. The anger could be directed at others, yourself, the unwanted situation you are in, or even at your deceased pet.4 You might be feeling your anger in physical ways, such as tension in your body or chest.
Bargaining
Bargaining can come with an internal feeling of helplessness, guilt, and a sense of desperation and yearning for your pet to be alive. Bargaining often revolves around ruminating about “if only” and “what if” and comes from a desire to restore a sense of order in life.4
Grief can impact your sense of spirituality. It could lead you to feel resentment toward God, bargain with the universe, or lead you to feel closer to your higher power. You may find yourself reflecting on life, its meaning, and your values.4
Depression
In the stages of grief, the depression “stage” is not a sign of mental illness, but rather a protective shutting down that allows people to adjust to the new reality without their pet. They will likely feel the deep, heavy sadness experienced from the loss of their pet, as well as a desire to withdraw from life.4
The death of a pet is a loss that can lead to disenfranchised grief and can cause people to feel they do not have a right to grieve their pet. They might experience people minimizing or not acknowledging the death of their pet, making them feel alone in your grief. Know that the loss of a pet is a valid one, and they have a right to grieve their loss.3
Acceptance
The acceptance stage is not about “okay” with a pet’s death, nor is it a way to “go back” to how life was before the loss of your pet. Rather, it is about accepting the new reality that your pet has died and adjusting to a new life without them. It is learning to live without your pet and understanding that acknowledging and expressing your grief and loss is the first step towards healing.4
What to Do When Your Grief Gets “Stuck”
Prolonged Grief Disorder (PDG), formerly known as complicated grief, is when you become “stuck” in your grief, which then significantly impairs your life in various ways. If you are still experiencing an overwhelming sense of yearning/longing for your pet and/or are preoccupied with memories or thoughts of your pet, it may be an indication that you need help. You must meet that criteria on an almost-daily basis for at least 12 months or more after the death (or at least 6 months or more for children and adolescents). If you are, you should contact an experienced professional to assess if you might be experiencing PDG and help you find ways to get your grief unstuck.
Grief counseling can be an excellent support if you are stuck in your grief or if noticing you are experiencing suicidal ideation because of your grief. Grief counselors can do things like help you find better tools to cope with your suicidality and/or grief, be a safe place for you to share what you need to share without judgement, and help you better understand your own experience with grief.6
How Euthanasia Can Impact the Grief Process
Euthanasia is one of the most common ways pets die, so it is important to become familiar with how to grieve the loss of a pet after euthanasia. Many pet owners share the difficulty and distress that comes with deciding whether euthanasia may be the best option for their pet. Know that it is normal to struggle with this decision. People can struggle with their role and responsibility in their pet’s death,7 which can come with feelings of guilt, uncertainty, or thinking they did not do enough for their pet.8
After euthanizing their pet, people experience a wide variety of emotions. both negative (i.e., sadness, anxiety, etc.) and positive (i.e., happiness, love, etc.).9 It can be helpful if you are thinking euthanasia is best for your pet to plan a “best last day” providing your companion with love, attention, treats, and other things your pet loves.8
Final Thoughts
Considering Americans spent over $123.6 billion on their pets in 2021,10 it is clear pets are valued family members. Whether others in your life agree or not, it is completely normal to grieve when a beloved pet dies–know that you have a right to grieve your loss however you need to. Support, which includes therapy, literature, and self-care, is available when you need it.
Stages of Grief After Losing a Pet Infographics
