Love Vs. In Love – The Difference Between Love and In Love According to a Therapist

Love Vs. In Love

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Love is a more broad feeling used to describe the deep affection felt towards other people in one’s family or social circle, as well as partners.

Because of its broad meaning, there are different types of love: love at first sight, platonic love, familial love, romantic love, and even romantic attraction could be considered a form of love for some people. Knowing the difference between being in love and loving the person can sometimes be difficult to notice. However, it is important to note that love can also fluctuate during a relationship.

Benefits of Loving Someone

Your body goes through chemical and hormonal changes when you experience love. As you fall in love, your brain experiences increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, hormones that increase energy and make you feel good.^{1, 2}

Due to the increase of these hormones, many experience a decrease in depression and anxiety, improved sleep, decreased appetite, improved mood and optimism, and other mental health benefits.²

Benefits of Being In Love

Being in love produces positive changes and activations in the brain, specifically the parts that affect motivation, mood, and emotions. Studies have found that the parts of our brain responsible for processing emotional regulation, rewards, and motivations are activated when subjects view photographs of those who they are in love with.³

Some of the other benefits of being in love include a sense of security and belonging, decreased loneliness, and improved self-esteem and sense of self.

Disadvantages of Being In Love

Because being in love is a temporary experience, people can’t sustain lust and attraction permanently. The euphoria, decreased appetite, need for sleep, and other good feelings will eventually subside and return to baseline. When this happens, some people struggle with this new stage as being one of boredom and worry that it’s a sign the relationship is over. Due to this discomfort with the lack of excitement after the being-in-love phase ends, some people struggle to form long-term relationships.

Disadvantages of Loving Someone

Along with the boredom that some experience during the transition of their relationship from being in love to love, many experience other disadvantages. For some, one of the downsides of loving someone is the vulnerability that the emotions involved with love bring. Loving someone opens us up to heartbreak if they do not return these feelings or if something happens to the person or the relationship.

Some people, particularly those who have been hurt or have anxious attachment or avoidant attachment, feel like a relationship can be scary due to these disadvantages and might try to avoid falling in love.⁴

Why Do We Crave Love?

Because it feels good, emotional intimacy and affection are desirable for most of us, and many crave being loved and giving love. Research has shown that those in love display increased activity in the parts of the brain that control basic needs. Therefore, the craving for romantic love can be thought of as an instinct or drive to fulfill one of our basic human needs.²

In childhood, these cravings for love are experienced by children who need love and support from their parents to thrive. As we grow into adulthood, this craving for love evolves as we start to develop more complex feelings of love that often involve feelings of romantic love.

10 Differences Between Love & In Love

It can be difficult to decipher the emotions around loving or being in love with someone. The difference between love and being in love is largely noticeable in the time spent thinking and obsessing about the person and dreaming about the future. There is so much excitement and passion during the initial stages that it can be easy to get caught up in the feeling of being in love and think that it will be like this forever,

As stability takes over, the passion and excitement will fade. But rather than having one defining moment of change, most relationships slowly evolve into a new phase of love. Most people can notice the changes only when they look back over the relationship’s longevity.

Here are ten differences between loving someone and being in love with someone:

1. Ownership Vs. Partnership

A key difference between loving someone and being in love with them is whether you have a strong sense of ownership and control over them or feel like equal partners in life. Having a sense of ownership of the person is largely thought of as taking place during the infatuation or in-love stage. The ownership stage can be about showing off the person you are in love with as an achievement, almost like earning a trophy. On the other hand, viewing the partnership as equal is more representative of love.

2. Temporary Vs. Permanent

Being in love is a temporary phase at the beginning of a relationship. There is the excitement and newness of the love interest and the unknown. There is often more of a drive to see the person constantly due to a sense of instability and unknown.

Loving someone is more permanent. Thus, there is less sense of urgency, but this is normal due to the increasing sense of permanence in the relationship.

3. Sex Vs. Other Activities

For some, being in love may result in a relationship where sex is the top priority. While it is normal for sexual intimacy to decrease somewhat as the relationship grows, those who prioritize sex might find that the relationship fizzles out at this point.

4. Strong Sexual Desire Vs. Intimacy

For some people, sexual desire only comes when they are in love with the person. While not everyone is the same, and it is perfectly okay to have sex with someone you do not feel romantic feelings for, this is sometimes a clue to those who wonder if they have fallen out of love with their partner.

Loving someone tends to have a strong sense of intimacy along with the sexual aspect of the relationship. Rather than simply following sexual urges, love brings more of the non-sexual aspects of intimacy.

5. Competition Vs. Supporting Them

Those in love may feel a sense of competition with their partner. If they are high achieving, good-looking, or have other desirable attributes, it is normal to compare yourself to them and wonder if you measure up.

As the relationship progresses, it is normal to focus less on whether you are in their “league.” You will realize that you both are human beings with imperfections, and you bring many things to the table that the other might not have. You will notice more how you both complete and better each other.

6. Passion & Excitement Vs. Stability

Falling in love often represents the infatuation, or honeymoon stage, characterized by decreased sleep and appetite, obsessive thoughts, and rose-colored glasses. As the love stage starts to take over, these feelings fade.

Due to how our culture prioritizes and emphasizes euphoric love, many young people find that they are let down to find that real love is not always like this.⁵ While feelings of boredom often represent stability, and are normal, many young people feel that this new stage is a let down from their expectations of what love should look and feel like.

7. Obsessing Vs. Time for Other Things

The beginning of the relationship is defined by obsessive thoughts of the other person. Often this can make it difficult to complete other tasks, such as work or household chores. As couples move more into the love stage and out of the honeymoon stage, there will be less time spent obsessing and dreaming and more time for you to focus on other things.

8. Changing for Them Vs. Understanding & Accepting Differences

During the feeling of being in love, many people put in their best effort. It is common to want to hide our imperfections during this time or even to change ourselves to meet the person’s needs or expectations.

When we love someone, however, we are less likely to want to change ourselves for them. There is comfort in the stability that comes from this relationship stage.

9. Urge to Flee Vs. Navigating Life’s Ups and Downs

During the beginning stages of a relationship, it’s common for couples to have the urge to flee when faced with conflict. Having a difficult life experience when you are in love is no less stressful, but it is often without the urge to flee because the relationship is more stable. Knowing that your partner will still be there at the end of the day can make navigating difficult times much easier.

10. Panic Vs. Understanding During Disagreements

One of the defining characteristics of the difference between being in love and love is the way that the couple handles a disagreement. During the in-love, or honeymoon stage, arguing can feel devastating. It is common to wonder if the relationship will end or if the person is not right for you when you have an argument during this stage.

When you are in love, however, a disagreement can feel much less devastating, and can even be an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding of each other.

When to Seek Couples Therapy

Many people who have been together for many years will report that their love has changed throughout the years- sometimes a romantic and passionate love, and other times it can be a boring, pleasant love. This is all normal, and not always a reason to break up. But this is a perfect time for a couple to consider couple therapy or marriage therapy to help them understand each other better during this time. Couples therapy is not always for when something is wrong or needs to be fixed, but also to prevent the couple from getting to that point.

Falling in and out of love is not cause for concern. But if you are struggling to understand each other or yourself better, therapy can help. With online therapy options, finding a therapist who can help you navigate these feelings is easier than ever.

In My Experience

In my experience, the difference between love and being in love can be stressful for people who have not had a good foundation of what a healthy romantic relationship can look and feel like. For them, the feeling of being in love is powerful and solidifies the relationship’s meaning to them. Leaving that infatuation stage can feel triggering, and many worry that this stability, or boredom, is a bad sign. Working on self esteem and learning about healthy relationship patterns can help empower people during this time.