Vulnerable Narcissists: 11 Signs & How to Deal With One

What Is a Vulnerable Narcissist?

A vulnerable narcissist, sometimes referred to as a covert narcissist, outwardly presents as being seemingly introverted, insecure, and anxious. While vulnerable narcissism shares the same core insecurities of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), vulnerable narcissists’ discrete way of displaying these can make it easier for people to fall victim to their problematic behaviors and manipulation.

Vulnerable narcissist traits may include:

• Appearing shy: Instead of using loud behaviors to attract attention, a vulnerable narcissist often prefers smaller, more intimate conversations where they intentionally control how the interaction plays out.
• More sensitive to criticism: Because the root of NPD is insecurity, they are hypersensitive to criticism and will usually have an extreme reaction to criticism or perceived criticism.
• Higher levels of anxiety: Vulnerable narcissists typically have lower self-esteem than grandiose narcissists and will frequently focus on consciously compensating for their insecurities more.¹
• Self-serving empathy: A vulnerable narcissist may outwardly show what looks like empathy. However, they may completely disconnect after receiving attention or use shared information against a person.
• Inflated sense of self-importance: A vulnerable narcissist may make comments on their superiority in one-on-one settings or just to themselves internally. They may also display their feelings of importance with subtle actions like eye rolls or yawning when another person talks.
• Excessive need for admiration: Like typical narcissists, vulnerable narcissists need to fill their narcissistic supply. To receive attention, they may share emotional turmoils to get pity and sympathy or withdraw from a situation to be chased by another person.

Grandiose Vs. Vulnerable Narcissism

Both vulnerable narcissists and grandiose narcissists believe they are superior, constantly fill their narcissistic supply, and feel the need to control others and situations to protect themselves. The difference between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism comes from how they view their low and fragile self-esteem, which impacts the behaviors used to protect themselves emotionally.

Differences between vulnerable and grandiose narcissism include:

11 Common Vulnerable Narcissist Signs

Vulnerable narcissists tend to abandon themselves to feel accepted by others. Often, signs of a vulnerable narcissist may include withdrawal, fears of abandonment, low self-worth, and default to blaming others in every situation.²

Below are 11 signs of a vulnerable narcissist:³

1. They Have Low Self-Esteem

With vulnerable narcissists, their low self-esteem is usually easier to identify because it manifests in traditional and typical ways–self-criticism, deprecation, anxiety, and questioning themselves and their decisions. A vulnerable narcissist may make negative comments about themself first to prevent a person from voicing similar statements as criticism is typically a trigger for narcissists.

2. Their Introversion Masks Their Insecurities

While a grandiose narcissist will compensate for insecurities by making grand public gestures, a vulnerable narcissist will attempt to hide these by avoiding people when possible. This may look outwardly like introversion or even social anxiety. However, when engaging with others, they will make comments of self-importance and superiority.

3. They’re Prone to Intense Emotions

Because vulnerable narcissists have unstable self-esteem, they are often prone to intense emotions such as anger, envy, shame, and resentment. They fear others realizing or pointing out their imperfections and will have strong reactions whenever this happens, or they perceive the threat of this happening.¹

4. They’re Controlling in Relationships

To protect themselves from experiencing intense and uncomfortable emotions, vulnerable narcissists go on the defense by controlling their relationships and the narrative of who they are. Vulnerable narcissists in relationships will use narcissistic manipulation tactics, such as narcissistic gaslighting, narcissistic triangulation, and narcissistic smear campaigns, to maintain this control.

5. They Lack Long-Term Relationships

Vulnerable narcissists may look like they have a lot of friends and a large social circle. However, they cannot maintain close relationships due to their self-absorbed nature. Conversely, typical introverts usually have a small, intimate circle of friends.

6. They’re Passive-Aggressive

Since vulnerable narcissists lack the extraversion that grandiose narcissists have, they frequently resort to more indirect, passive-aggressive behavior and communication methods. They may judge a person in roundabout ways to avoid chances of being confronted and criticized.

7. They Avoid Certain Social Situations

Although vulnerable narcissists crave admiration and attention, they viscerally fear criticism so intensely that they may avoid certain social situations altogether. They might steer clear of large group gatherings, friends who debate topics, or interactions with people who set and hold boundaries.

8. They Blame Others for Their Problems

To compensate for their low self-esteem and avoid emotional pain, vulnerable narcissists will not reflect on their actions and take responsibility for hurting someone. Deflection of blame, narcissistic projection, and manipulation tactics are all ways a narcissist will protect themselves.

9. They’re Envious of Others

A vulnerable narcissist’s outward display of inferiority leads to intense and pervasive envy of others. They typically compare themselves to others by heavily focusing on the specific ways they are lacking. A narcissist’s envy is insatiable because there will always be someone with a bigger house, different accolades, and more desirable physical qualities.

10. They Become Angry When They Don’t Succeed

A narcissist’s deepest fear is that others will see their imperfections. Therefore, failing at something directly proves their insecurities to themselves and others. When faced with defeat and a public display of their insecurities, a narcissist will get angry and explode with narcissistic rage, a reaction sometimes referred to as narcissistic injury.

11. They Thrive on Exploiting Others

Vulnerable narcissists exploit friends, partners, or family members for personal gain. If they no longer benefit from the relationship, they tend to find someone else who can give them the adoration they desire. They make increasing their own status the ultimate priority and will use others to achieve their goals.

What Causes Vulnerable Narcissism?

Research is still ongoing and uncovering more about vulnerable narcissism. Studies have found that both environmental and genetic factors play a role in the development of NPD, including childhood trauma, abuse, and sexual exploitation.⁴

Causes of vulnerable narcissism may include:

• Dysfunctional families: When one’s brain is developing, it’s suggested that interruptions to uncompromised development may trigger the onset of NPD, such as dysfunctional family dynamics, inconsistent or volatile home environments, and over- or under-recognition.
• Excessive praise in childhood: Any extreme praise, admiration, or indulgence can also contribute to developing a type of narcissism. The overall lack of balance and stability causes one’s internal homeostasis to go awry, leading to various mental health concerns.⁴
• Brain abnormalities: One study found that narcissists’ brains showed decreased gray matter in areas of cognitive control and emotional regulation. This could explain a lack of empathy and compassion, two traits commonly missing in any narcissist.⁵

How to Deal With a Vulnerable Narcissist

It’s no secret that dealing with a narcissist will be difficult. To manage a situation with a vulnerable narcissist, setting firm boundaries, getting an outsider’s perspective, and not giving in to their facades are great places to start.

Below are tips for dealing with a vulnerable narcissist:⁶

Put Firm Boundaries in Place

First and foremost, it’s important to set firm boundaries with a narcissist and understand that the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Setting boundaries from the start of a relationship may seem unfair to those who actually have a sense of self and empathy. However, it is important to remember that a vulnerable narcissist will take as much as you give without giving anything back.

Get an Unbiased Perspective on the Situation

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated by a vulnerable narcissist. Instead, recognize what the relationship looks like from an outside view. Talking to a therapist with an unbiased perspective can provide a clear understanding of the situation and how to set appropriate boundaries. A therapist can also help you maintain those boundaries if you break up with a narcissist.

Allow Them to Sit in Their Discomfort

Soothing the vulnerable narcissist’s hurt ego or feelings, especially at the expense of your own emotions, won’t help them. Furthermore, you will not be appreciated for your valiant efforts. They will offer nothing in return, and them feeding off of your generosity will likely become a cycle in which you constantly feel the need to give, give, give.

Disengage From Them Emotionally

Dealing with vulnerable narcissists in relationships is challenging. It can be helpful to practice rational detachment. Doing so entails acknowledging that the other person’s reaction probably has a lot more to do with their own feelings, insecurities, and beliefs than it has to do with you. Holding onto this will help you to walk away, set and maintain healthier boundaries, and leave the relationship if you want to.

Don’t Fall for Their Charade

Second chances are the favorite appeal of vulnerable narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you (and the attention they get from you), they will do what they need to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show until you are convinced that giving them a second chance is worth it, and the cycle of narcissistic abuse will restart.

Talk to a Therapist

Narcissistic relationships are extremely emotionally draining and can erode your self-esteem over time. Therapy can help you rebuild your self-confidence, stay consistent with your self-care, and determine the best path forward.

Treatment for Vulnerable Narcissists

Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with NPD as they are unable to see the need for self-improvement. Because they are typically more introverted and likely to have co-occurring depression or anxiety disorders, vulnerable narcissists may seek help for these concerns. Doing so could offer a door to explore the root of the true issues at hand.⁷

The best way to find the right therapist is by searching an online therapist directory or reviewing the in-network providers with your insurance. Looking through profiles online and narrowing down a few is a good first step. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation, allowing you to evaluate if that may be the right fit.

What to Do If You Think You’re a Vulnerable Narcissist

It can be an overwhelming and stressful realization that you may be struggling with vulnerable narcissism. While this is considered a chronic mental health condition, there are things that you can do to manage this and protect your relationships.

Below are tips for what to do if you think you are a vulnerable narcissist:

• Be gentle with yourself about your shortcomings
• Work on boosting your self-esteem and confidence.
• Focus on developing healthy coping skills.
• Find ways to better regulate your own emotions.
• Find a therapist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder.

Final Thoughts

Vulnerable narcissists are harder to identify and disengage from. Their behaviors and interactions often look like anxiety and depression, and their self-deprecating and introverted behaviors can make it difficult to hold them accountable. If you are or believe you are in any type of relationship with a vulnerable narcissist, it’s important to remember that taking care of yourself needs to be your top priority.