Vulnerable narcissists tend to be more introverted, insecure, and extremely sensitive to criticism. This form of narcissism can be difficult to identify, as vulnerable narcissists often hide their true nature behind façades of self-doubt and self-consciousness. However, like all narcissists, they may blame others for their mistakes, lash out at perceived disapproval, and exploit relationships for personal gain.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a challenging personality type for many to deal with. However, the narcissist often doesn’t believe there are any issues with their behavior. Narcissistic people tend to have trouble with their personal and professional relationships as a result of this lack of self-awareness. They often underestimate the negative impact of their actions or words on other people, which can be why uncomfortable or problematic situations occur.
Narcissists have a limited understanding and awareness of the emotional responses of others. This is why many people who interact with them feel hurt, especially after being on the receiving end of narcissist injury and narcissistic rage. Due to this gap in thought processing, the narcissist doesn’t experience any kind of remorse or empathy for causing this harm—if they even accept they were the cause of it. Insightfulness and self-awareness are not traits exhibited by narcissists.1
7 Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
Vulnerable narcissists, also known as covert narcissists, are quite the opposite of what you may think when you hear the word “narcissist.” Unlike other common types of narcissists, vulnerable narcissists tend to be much more sensitive, introverted, and struggle with anxiety and shame.
In addition, vulnerable narcissists tend to abandon themselves in order to feel accepted by others. Depression-type emotions, such as withdrawal and fears of abandonment, and with feelings of low self-worth are also common with vulnerable narcissism. Due to this high emotional volatility, vulnerable narcissists can display great bouts of anger and hostility, and default to blaming others in every situation.2
Below are seven signs of a vulnerable narcissist:3
- Lack of long-term relationships: They may have a lot of friends and a large social circle, but are unable to maintain close relationships due to their self-absorbed nature. Conversely, typical introverts often have a small, intimate circle of friends.
- Attention seeking behavior: Vulnerable narcissists require a lot of attention, with these attention-seeking behaviors becoming a turn-off for others. This further makes it difficult to maintain their relationships as they never give in a relationship, only take.
- Lack of empathy: They are unable to identify or own up to hurting someone’s feelings or causing issues in a group setting.
- Being self-absorbed: A vulnerable narcissist will worry so much about their own self that they are incapable of caring about the emotions of others. In many cases, they even need others to soothe their own negative feelings.
- Exploiting others: They will exploit friends, partners, or family members for personal gain. If they are no longer benefitting from the relationship and it’s not feeding their self-esteem, they tend to cut off those relationships and find someone else who can give them the adoration they’re looking for.
- Sensitive to criticism: If they’re not getting an ego-boost in every relationship, they perceive any level of criticism so harshly that it triggers feelings of intense shame.
- Constantly seeking personal gain: They make increasing their own status the ultimate priority, and will use others to achieve their goals.
Causes of Vulnerable Narcissism
Research is still ongoing and uncovering more about vulnerable narcissism. Studies have found that both environmental and genetic factors play a role in the development of NPD, including childhood trauma, abuse, and sexual exploitation.4 When one’s brain is developing, it’s also believed that interruptions to healthy and uncompromised development can possibly trigger the onset of NPD, such as dysfunctional family dynamics, inconsistent or volatile home environments, and over- or under-recognition.
Any extreme praise, admiration, or indulgence can also contribute to developing a type of narcissism. The overall lack of balance and stability is what causes one’s internal homeostasis to go awry, leading to a series of mental health concerns.4
Finally, in brain scans of those with NPD, it was found that their brains had less gray matter in areas that control cognitive and emotional regulation, including empathy and compassion, two traits commonly missing in any kind of narcissistic personality.5
How to Deal With a Vulnerable Narcissist
It’s no secret that trying to deal with a narcissist will be difficult. To manage a situation with a vulnerable narcissist, setting firm boundaries, getting an outsider’s perspective, and not giving in to their facades are great places to start.
Here are four tips for dealing with a vulnerable narcissist:6
Put Firm Boundaries in Place From the Start
First and foremost, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand that the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Setting boundaries from the start of a relationship may seem unfair to those who actually have a sense of self and empathy. However, it is important to remember that a vulnerable narcissist will take as much as you give without giving anything back.
Get an Unbiased Perspective on the Situation
Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated by a vulnerable narcissist. Instead, recognize what the relationship looks like from an outside view. Talking to a therapist who has an unbiased perspective can help ensure you’ve got a clear understanding of the situation and are setting appropriate boundaries. A therapist can also help you maintain those boundaries if you decide to break up with a narcissist.
Allow Them to Sit in Their Discomfort
Soothing their hurt ego or feelings, especially at the expense of your own emotions, won’t help them. Additionally, you will not be appreciated for your valiant efforts. They will offer nothing in return, and them feeding off of your generosity will likely become a cycle in which you constantly feel the need to give, give, give.
Don’t Fall for Their Charade
Second chances are the favorite appeal of vulnerable narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you (and the attention they get from you), the vulnerable narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show until you are convinced that giving them a second chance is worth the risk, and the cycle of narcissistic abuse will restart.
Can Therapy Help?
Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic personality disorder as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with NPD due to their inability to see the need for self-improvement. As they are typically more introverted and likely to have a co-occurring anxiety disorder and/or depression, vulnerable narcissists may seek help for these concerns. Those could be the door to enter into the root of the true issues at hand.7
The best way to find the right therapist is by searching an online therapist directory or reviewing the in-network providers with your insurance. Looking through profiles online and narrowing down a few to contact for initial talks is a good first step. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and that can give someone an opportunity to evaluate if that may be the right fit.
For Further Reading
If you or a loved one are dealing with a vulnerable narcissist, or suspect they may be a vulnerable narcissist, these resources may help:
Vulnerable Narcissism Infographics
