Can a Narcissist Change?

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex condition characterized by an overinflated ego, grandiose behaviors, and limited empathy for others. That said, like all mental health issues, it’s important to remember that personality disorders lie on a spectrum. Therefore, some cases may be milder than others, and for those people, change may come easier.

There are several subtypes of narcissism that each have their own concerns when trying to make changes. For example, a covert narcissist may present as more vulnerable and insecure. Their actions might be more passive-aggressive and subtle, which can be confusing for loved ones. A communal narcissist tends to focus more on having a prominent role in society. They value having a strong mission or value in the world, and they may present as martyrs. Finally, a malignant narcissist has similar traits to a sociopath—narcissistic sociopaths tend to get a thrill out of harming others to meet their own needs—and may have the most difficult time changing their behaviors.

Can a Narcissist Change?

It’s important to remember that a narcissist can change if they are genuinely dedicated and open to growth. Some individuals may have more insight into their behaviors and have a greater desire to change. Unfortunately, research on if (and how) narcissists change is limited. Although we’re becoming increasingly aware of this condition in everyday society, we have limited data on how change can happen.

According to Ashley Errico, MA, LPC, NCC, “There are not really any hard and fast rules to know for sure (if a narcissist can change). However, while counterintuitive, individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder tend to have an incredibly low sense of self, hence the need to constantly profess and get reassurance from others of their worth and value. Therefore, if someone with NPD is self-aware enough to recognize their own internal emptiness or lack of self-worth, that’s a pretty good start. Additionally, if they are actively seeking and committing to help, of their own volition, that could be an indication that they are open to change.”

Can a Narcissist Change for Love?

A narcissist may want to change their behavior when they’re in a new relationship. If they have insight into their patterns, they may choose to intentionally change how they react. That said, it’s also essential to keep in mind that a narcissist in a relationship will often manipulate their partner to get what they want. It’s easy to promise something. And even if they say they want to change, words without action are meaningless. True, sustainable change requires personal accountability, effort, and openness to feedback. If someone does not display those traits, it’s a red flag.

Errico mentions, “Change for an individual with NPD, like any individual, should come from within themselves in order for it to be effective. If someone with NPD were to go into therapy ‘for a relationship,’ it would likely not result in any long-term change, as they will not be invested in the process for any other reason than to appease another. For real change, they have to want something different for themselves and be motivated to put in the work. This requires them to truly recognize their own vulnerabilities and contributions to toxicity within the relationship, which is the core difficulty for people with NPD.”

How to Tell If a Narcissist Is Open to Change

Because personality disorders can be so insidious, it’s challenging to accurately gauge if someone wants to change. Someone might promise to change if they feel threatened about your leaving. Or, they might make feeble attempts to change to try to lure you back in. For those reasons, being mindful of narcissistic abuse is paramount for your well-being.

Here are six signs that a narcissist may be open to change:

1. They Immediately Take Personal Accountability

Narcissists typically avoid ownership for anything that may portray them in a negative light. At times, they may downplay, rationalize, or completely lie about their behavior. Therefore, if they assume personal accountability for their decisions, that’s a good sign.

Personal accountability inherently requires some vulnerability and humility. After all, when someone takes ownership, they tell themselves and others that they recognize they made a mistake. If a narcissist can consistently do that, it may mean they’re authentically trying to practice being more humble.

2. They Listen to Your Feedback

Many people find giving and receiving feedback challenging.² We want others to like us, and we often worry about rejection or coming across as too harsh. That said, narcissists frequently overreact to real or perceived negative feedback. As a result, they may become verbally abusive, violent, passive-aggressive, or completely withdrawn. In some cases, they will try to tarnish your reputation to seek revenge.

If a narcissist really listens to your feedback without getting defensive, that’s a positive sign of change. It means they’re displaying an openness to what you have to say. Rather than automatically assuming they know what’s best, they’re valuing your input—even if that feels scary to them.

3. They Pay Better Attention to You & Others

Active listening is an essential skill for building connections with others.⁴ However, narcissists often have one-sided relationships. They spend time with people who value, prioritize, or otherwise affirm their needs. Therefore, change happens once they can shift away from feeling like they need to be the center of the world. This starts with showing genuine interest in other people’s lives, asking thoughtful questions, and avoiding judgments or gossip afterward. If you notice them making a consistent effort, that’s a positive sign.

4. They Show Better Emotional Regulation Skills

Many narcissists react to stress or shame with emotional outbursts or narcissistic rage. They may shout, cry, demand, or become hostile to gain attention and secure their needs. Some will engage in self-destructive behaviors, like substance use or self-harm. Thus, implementing more stress management is paramount to healing from narcissism. If you notice more mindfulness and tolerance for uncomfortable emotions, change may be possible. It means they’re trying to become more accepting—and less reactive—to their feelings.

5. They Authentically Apologize When Slipping Into Old Behaviors

Unfortunately, relapse is common with any mental health issue. Stress, changes in routine, and the emergence of other mental health symptoms can trigger such regressions.³ However, narcissists who want to change have insight into their patterns. They can readily recognize if they are slipping into unwanted behaviors. As a result, they will apologize for their mistakes and quickly try to correct their habits.

It’s important that these apologies feel genuine and unprompted. For example, an insincere apology might entail blaming you for their actions (I’m sorry, but if that guy hadn’t been flirting with you, I wouldn’t have gotten so mad). An insincere apology might also shift their feelings onto you (I’m sorry, but I don’t even understand why this made you so upset). 

6. They Are Consistent

Above anything, consistency is vital. It isn’t enough if a narcissist tries to be a good partner, friend, or parent for one week. You need to see long-term efforts for growth and progression. A narcissist who wants to change will respect that connection and safety take time. If they have hurt you in the past, they will know they need to earn back your trust. They won’t rush you or become impatient if you’re still cautious.

Can Therapy Help?

Professional treatment can make a tremendous difference in recovery from narcissistic traits. While research remains somewhat limited on the best therapeutic models, some studies have highlighted the benefits of transference-focused therapy, schema therapy, and metacognitive interpersonal therapy.⁵

It can be helpful to begin your search for the right therapist by looking through a trusted online therapist directory. Choosing a therapist can be challenging, but remember that the right professional wants to help you live a happy and fulfilling life. Even if it takes time to trust them, they are unconditionally there to help support your growth.

How to Support Someone During Treatment

Dealing with a narcissist can undoubtedly be challenging for loved ones. Treatment can be successful, but it’s also important to have realistic expectations. Change doesn’t happen overnight and even the best therapist cannot guarantee specific outcomes. For these reasons, it’s crucial that you practice self-care and self-compassion during this time.

Here are helpful considerations when supporting a narcissist through treatment:

Get Your Own Therapy

Even if you think the narcissist causes all the problems in your life, you also play an inherent role in the dynamic. Therapy can help you recognize your need for boundaries and self-care. It can also give you better insight into the signs of narcissistic abuse and how to cope if you’re struggling. Find a therapist with expertise in narcissistic relationships.

Avoid Enabling

It’s great that your loved one is getting treatment! That said, you deserve respect and maturity, and you must avoid enabling any toxic behavior they continue engaging in. Familiarize yourself with ways to disarm a narcissist when they start engaging in this behavior.

Listen to Their Fears

Change can be hard, and if the narcissist opens up about how challenging treatment is, try to be supportive. Let them know that you believe in their growth and want them to continue taking steps in the right direction.

Acknowledge Progress

Pay attention to even small steps of proactive change. Make it a point to highlight when you notice positive actions. Over time, this reinforcement may encourage them to continue implementing healthier behaviors.

Express Your Concerns

If you notice a regression in behaviors, ask them to discuss it in therapy. Share your specific concern and make it known that you want them to address it. Remember to keep communication open and honest when possible.

Identify Your Non-Negotiables

You don’t owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship. If you continuously feel unhappy, afraid, or resentful, pay attention to your feelings. Even if the narcissist is making strides to change, you have the right to walk away if needed.

Final Thoughts

Change is always challenging, particularly when it comes to treating personality disorders. But if a narcissist has the insight, willingness, and receptiveness for growth, recovery is possible.