Covert narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder, but they hide many of the typical signs and symptoms of a grandiose (or overt) narcissist. They may appear to be shy and modest, but inside they are chronically envious of others, can’t handle criticism, and lack empathy for others. They may often spend time alone, since they are hypersensitive to criticism and compare themselves to others constantly.
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What Is Narcissism?
Narcissists may appear with high energy, discuss wild plans for their future successes, and speak in embellished terms with exaggerated movements. They may believe that other people are failures because they do not live up to their expectations of jobs, money, cars, or houses. On the outside, they will seem confident, self-assured, and mentally healthy.1
Researchers and clinicians note significant differences in people with this disorder, which means not everyone with a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis will act, think, or feel the same way.1,2
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
Covert narcissists, or vulnerable narcissists as they are sometimes called, are emotionally fragile and sensitive to even limited amounts of perceived criticism. They appear highly stressed and worried about numerous concerns.2 In terms of interpersonal relationships, the covert narcissist will seem shy, reserved, and self-deprecating. They will compare and judge themselves against what other people have in terms of happiness, possessions, and relationships constantly.2
Overt vs. Covert Narcissism
Where a covert narcissist does well to hide their problematic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, overt narcissists boldly display the typical narcissistic qualities. They will be grandiose, demeaning, and demanding.
The overt narcissists always present themselves as special, important, and entitled to get what they want regardless of the other person’s needs and wants. Their arrogance and self-importance will be within moments of starting a conversation with them.1
The covert narcissist will experience most of the same thoughts and feelings, but they will be less obvious with their expression of uniqueness. It may take friends and coworkers longer to notice the traits.
8 Signs of a Covert Narcissist
Some narcissists make it clear from first contact that they have narcissistic traits. Others, like the covert narcissists, will not present in ways stereotypical of standard narcissists, so you have to look deeper to know what and who they are dealing with.
Here are eight signs of a covert narcissist:1,2
1. An Outward Sense of Inferiority
Whereas other narcissists seem to hit people over the head with their grandiosity and confidence, the covert narcissist has a presentation of uncertainty and self-doubt. They may let other people make the important choices for them because they report being indecisive and fear making a mistake.
Since they constantly compare themselves to others, they may feel like they don’t stack up to friends, family, or coworkers in specific areas. They may be quick to compliment others for their successes, but instead of feeling happy for the person, they only feel bad for themselves.
2. Emotionally Fragile & Hypersensitive
Due to an unstable self-esteem, people with covert narcissism are incredibly fragile and sensitive. If someone criticizes their work, family, or personality, the covert narcissist will respond with an extreme emotional reaction. They could be overly sad and despondent from even a minor comment.
The opposite may be true as well with the narcissist experiencing a drastic positive mood change from an insignificant compliment. This comment could reinforce their desirable qualities or merely neutralize the latest perceived slight.
3. Highly Stressed & Angry
The mood changes that come with being a covert narcissist will create a great deal of discomfort. With so much weight being assigned to each critique, the person will begin feeling very stressed and anxious as they stand by for the next comment.
For them, stress commonly builds towards anger and aggression as negative feedback could enrage them. They may explode and take their anger out on others or harm themselves.
4. Chronically Envious
The outward sense of inferiority experienced by a covert narcissist will lead to powerful and chronic envy of others. The narcissist will always focus on what other people have that they do not.
If the covert narcissist has a four-bedroom house, they will want a five-bedroom house. When they get the bigger house, they will still be envious because someone will have a pool, a movie theater, or a bowling alley in their basement.
Covert narcissists can be jealous or envious of almost anything, including:
- Physical attributes including height, weight, hair and skin quality, and strength
- Wealth measured by house, cars, clothes, and jewelry
- Family status, including marriage or children
- Power measured by employment or community involvement
No matter the area of envy, the covert narcissist will never be able to appreciate what they have. The focus will only be on what they are lacking.
5. Aimlessness
Because they are so driven by jealousy and trying to chase after others’ achievements, the covert narcissist will appear aimless and misguided. Once they achieve something, they will not stop to celebrate their success; they will only look for a new conquest.
Often, the new goal will be disconnected from the previous one, so to the outside observer, the covert narcissist is simply bouncing from one project or fixation to another with no clear path or plan. All the while, they never feel satisfied or assured in their direction.
6. Completely Self-Absorbed
Whether covert or overt, the person with narcissistic personality disorder will be self-absorbed. They will only consider what is good for them and how they can get what they want.
This self-centeredness leads to two outcomes:
- Emotional Manipulation: Because they are so focused on completing whatever their current goal is, they will do anything to achieve it, including manipulating others to be part of the plan. With guilt, threats of violence, and other forms of coercion, they will use others for their personal gain.
- Lack of Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s perspective and feelings. A narcissist is not interested in walking a mile in another’s shoes, so they will never experience empathy. They won’t care about others – only what others can do for them.
7. Secret Grandiosity
On the outside, a person with covert narcissism will seem quiet, meek, and self-deprecating. On the inside, though, they feel an intense sense they are superior to others. Despite all of the jealousy, envy, overreaction to negative comments, and apparent shyness, the covert narcissist will feel deep down that they are better than other people.
Instead of engaging with people like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist will choose to be alone because no one can live up to their high expectations.
8. Frequent Suicidality
With the mood changes, fluctuations between feeling superior and being jealous, never feeling satisfied, and being unable to rely on other people, the condition can result in despair and suicidal ideation.
Covert (vulnerable) narcissists will experience more depression, anxiety, non-suicidal self-injury, and suicide attempts than other people with narcissism.
Signs of a Covert Narcissist Husband
Being married to a covert narcissist can be a trial. Identifying their condition could be tricky, but once you do, it could result in the relationship making more sense.
Some of the most telling signs of a covert narcissist husband include:1
- Being inattentive and distracted: The covert narcissist is self-absorbed, so there is little time and attention given to others.
- Jealousy and paranoia: The covert narcissist will constantly want the house, cars, and jobs of friends and neighbors.
- Inability to understand his wife’s point of view: With a lack of empathy, he will be unwilling and unable to consider differences of opinions. He will always be right.
- Unexpected angry outbursts: Covert narcissists are fragile and overly sensitive, so he could become angry and violent quickly or break down in tears.
- Frequently changing jobs: Since he thinks he knows best, the covert narcissist will have conflict with bosses and move from job to job to avoid being fired.
- Impulsive purchases: In an attempt to fulfill emotional voids, the covert narcissist will buy expensive items like cars, property, jewelry, or electronics
- Issues bonding with children: Again, without a strong sense of empathy, covert narcissists struggle to bond and connect with children at any age.
- Legal issues: A covert narcissist thinks that the rules and laws do not apply to them, so they will often engage in illegal activities.
- Substance abuse: With covert narcissism, the person may justify their intense substance abuse as a way of coping with “incompetent people.”
Signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother or Father
Having a narcissistic mother or father is a trying experience. Since the covert narcissist is sneaky, the usual signs of narcissism may not be present.
Instead, the covert narcissist parent may display signs like:1
- Constant disappointment: If the parent expresses consistent disappointment, no matter the child’s achievements, they could be a covert narcissist.
- Physical absence: A covert narcissist may not be interested in being physically present with the child. Birthdays, holidays, and graduations may not seem important.
- Emotional absence: If they are physically present, they may not be emotionally. They could often ignore the child and limited communication.
- Comparing the child to peers, classmates, and coworkers: When a parent is routinely stating that the child lacks worth because they are not as successful, smart, strong, athletic, or wealthy as others, they could be a covert narcissist.
- Anger when children need attention: With the enduring self-centeredness, a covert narcissist will become annoyed or irritated when the child needs time and attention, even for serious medical matters.
- Exploiting the children for personal gain: A covert narcissist will find ways to benefit from the child, either financially, at work, or with relationships. The child becomes a bargaining tool.
8 Things Covert Narcissists Say
When the behaviors do not help you identify a covert narcissist, you can look elsewhere. At times the things covert narcissists say will make their status quite clear.
Using a combination of denial, avoidance, blaming others, and indifference, here are eight things a covert narcissist may say:
- I don’t know what you’re talking about.
- You’re being too sensitive and too dramatic.
- You’re lucky I’m so kind and patient with you.
- Can’t you bother someone else with this?
- I’m doing important things and can’t be bothered with your thoughts and feelings.
- You probably forgot.
- You always misunderstand what I say.
- Why aren’t you paying more attention to me?
Of course, these are common statements, but a covert narcissist will use these with high frequency and seem like a broken record. Their persistence and consistency with this language can seem quite frustrating.
7 Ways to Deal With a Covert Narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist can seem like an impossible task, as the qualities that make someone a good friend, family member, or romantic partner are not often present. For the best success, you may have to use strong boundaries, ultimatums, and avoidance with the covert narcissist.
Here are seven tips for how to deal with a covert narcissist:1
1. Study the Diagnosis
Narcissism, like other personality disorders, may be obvious in many situations, but other times, the condition and the effects can sneak up on you slowly, especially when it is covert. Know the signs and read up on covert narcissism.
2. Confirm With Others
Ask around and gather information from others that know the person. If they all agree with your perspective, you can rest assured that your covert narcissist opinion is not flawed or biased.
3. Communicate Your Concerns
There are countless ways to talk to someone about your concerns that they have covert narcissism, but only a handful will be productive. The person deserves to hear your honest and direct feedback.
4. Encourage Treatment
Covert narcissists often resist the idea that they need help since their symptoms are not as bold, but you must encourage professional assistance. If they are unwilling, the relationship is in great jeopardy.
5. Point Out Your Concerns
When you see the person behaving in ways linked to covert narcissism, point it out to bring their attention to it. They may deny it, but at least you’ll know that you did what you could.
6. Check in With Your Reactions & Responses
Living with, working with, communicating with, and interacting with a person with a covert narcissistic personality disorder is an extremely stressful and draining experience. Consider spending some time with yourself or with a trusted ally to assess how you are handling the relationship and if progress is happening,
7. Prepare to End the Relationship
Even with the best treatment, logical interventions, clear boundaries, and consistent repercussions, the narcissist could remain unchanged or obstinate and angry. Their lack of empathy, cruelty, manipulation, and selfishness could be growing out of control.
Sometimes, in these situations, the best course of action is to leave the relationship (and if it’s a romantic relationship, it’s probably time to break up with your narcissistic partner).
For Further Reading
