Covert Narcissists: Traits, Signs, & How to Deal With One

What Is Narcissism?

Those with narcissistic personality disorder present with high energy, discuss plans for future success, and speak with embellished terms and movements. Narcissists may believe others are failures if they fail to met expectations of jobs, money, cars, or houses. On the outside, narcissists will seem confident, self-assured, and mentally healthy.¹ Researchers and clinicians note significant differences in people with this disorder, which means not every type of narcissist will act, think, or feel the same way.^{1, 2}

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

Covert narcissists, sometimes called vulnerable narcissists, are emotionally fragile and sensitive to even limited amounts of perceived criticism. They appear highly stressed and worried, shy, reserved, and self-deprecating.² They will often compare and judge themselves against what others have in terms of happiness, possessions, and relationships.²

Overt Vs. Covert Narcissism

Whereas covert narcissists do well to hide their problematic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, overt narcissists boldly display typical narcissistic qualities. They will appear ambitious, demeaning, and demanding by presenting themselves as special, important, and entitled, regardless of another person’s needs and wants.

The arrogance and self-importance of overt or grandiose narcissists will be evident moments after starting a conversation with them.¹ The covert narcissist will experience similar thoughts and feelings, but these will be less obvious in their expression of uniqueness. Because of this, it may take friends and coworkers longer to notice the traits.

Covert Narcissism Traits

While several covert narcissism traits overlap with overt narcissism, how they present outwardly will look very different. Unlike overt narcissists’ characteristics, covert narcissists will appear more emotionally available and vulnerable. However, the underlying purpose of their behaviors is to fill their narcissistic supply, maintain control within their relationships, and get their own needs met.

Below are common covert narcissist traits:

• Self-serving empathy: A covert narcissist may outwardly show what looks like empathy, but their underlying purpose is to get you to engage with them so they serve their own needs in some way.
• Inflated sense of self-importance: A covert narcissist may use more subliminal ways of exerting superiority over others with subtle indications. For example, they may roll their eyes during conversation rather than directly confront someone.
• Excessive need for admiration: A covert narcissist may use a “woe is me” approach to getting attention by encouraging someone to pity or reassure them.
• Appearing shy or withdrawn: Presenting outwardly as an introvert allows a covert narcissist to hide and protect their insecurities. However, once they begin talking about themselves, there will still be an underlying sense of superiority and condescension.

14 Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists will not present in ways stereotypical of standard narcissists, so you have to look deeper to know what and who you are dealing with. Some narcissists make it clear from first contact that they have narcissistic traits, meaning they’re easier to spot. Being aware of the signs of covert narcissism can help you know how to respond accordingly.

Below are 14 signs of a covert narcissist:^{1, 2}

1. They’re Insecure

Whereas other narcissists seem to hit people over the head with their grandiosity and confidence, the covert narcissist has a presentation of uncertainty and self-doubt. They may let other people make important choices for them because they claim to be indecisive.

Because they constantly compare themselves to others, covert narcissists may feel they don’t stack up to friends, family, or coworkers. For example, a narcissist in the workplace may need constant reassurance and validation from coworkers. They may be quick to compliment others for their successes, but instead of feeling happy for the person, they only feel bad for themselves.

2. They’re Passive-Aggressive

Covert narcissists do not have the same extraversion as overt narcissists, so they tend to use more indirect communication methods. Covert narcissists are incredibly sensitive to criticism, so using indirect communication, passive-aggressive behavior, and judgment allows them to protect themselves from confrontation.

3. Hypersensitive to Criticism

Due to unstable self-esteem, people with covert narcissism are incredibly fragile and sensitive. If someone criticizes their work, family, or personality, the covert narcissist will respond extremely and emotionally. They may become overly sad from even a minor comment.

4. They Procrastinate & Disregard Others’ Needs

Narcissists lack empathy and believe they are the most important person in any situation. Therefore, they will struggle to understand that procrastinating on a project that someone else needs will negatively impact that person. If both they and another person need something, they will always put their own tasks before others.

5. They’re Easily Stressed

The mood changes that come with being a covert narcissist creates great discomfort. With so much weight assigned to every critique, the narcissist will feel incredibly stressed and anxious as they stand by for the next comment. This stress commonly builds toward narcissistic rage and aggression, resulting in one exploding on others or harming themself when met with negative feedback.

6. They’re Chronically Envious

The outward sense of inferiority experienced by a covert narcissist will lead to powerful and chronic envy of others. For instance, if the covert narcissist has a four-bedroom house, they will want a five-bedroom house. When they get the bigger house, they will be jealous of a person with a pool, movie theater, or bowling alley in the basement.

No matter what, the covert narcissist will never be able to appreciate what they have. The focus will only be on what they lack, whether possessions, attributes, status, or employment.

7. They Put Themselves Down

A covert narcissist will often make self-deprecating comments before anyone else can to protect themselves ahead of time. Seeing as criticism from others is considered the ultimate narcissistic injury, the narcissist may use this self-deprecation or questioning of themself to gain reassurance rather than negative feedback.

8. They Have Difficulties With Anxiety & Depression

Covert narcissists tend to be more sensitive than overt narcissists, which makes them prone to anxiety and the shame associated with depression. If their imperfections are pointed out or there is a threat, they will withdraw and isolate themselves, furth contributing to their anxiety and depression.

9. They Blame Others for Their Behavior

Covert narcissists will not take responsibility for their behavior if they’ve hurt someone when protecting their low self-esteem or avoiding confrontation. Blaming another person through narcissistic projection is just one of many narcissistic manipulation tactics a covert narcissist will use.

10. They Have Superficial Relationships

While they do have feelings and narcissists cry from time to time, all narcissists, including covert narcissists, lack the essential qualities necessary to form deep, connected relationships. Their shortage of empathy, need for constant reassurance, inability to focus on anyone but themselves, and tendency to manipulate others are all things that make it a challenge to keep people in their lives.

11. They Have Difficulty Fitting In

Covert narcissists often carry a lot of anxiety and self-deprecating beliefs about themselves. When they’re around other people, covert narcissists may get stuck on analyzing and monitoring their behaviors, making it difficult to catch social cues and build genuine relationships.

Because covert narcissists don’t want others to judge them, they usually show a curated version of what they think people want to see instead of their true selves. This version will often feel like it doesn’t quite fit because they’re building a facade based on social cues they don’t understand.

12. They Go Above & Beyond in Everything

Covert narcissism can be disguised under a mask of altruism. Doing kind and charitable things is great, but engaging in these to gain praise and admiration from others may indicate narcissism. Because covert narcissists fear they are lacking in some respect, narcissism disguised as altruism can be their way of proving that fear to be wrong.

13. They’re Manipulative For Personal Gain

Whether covert or overt, a narcissist will be self-absorbed and only consider what is best for them and how they can get what they want. This self-centeredness leads to two outcomes, emotional manipulation and a lack of empathy.

Covert narcissists will do anything to achieve their goals, even emotionally manipulating others. They will use people for their personal gain by guilt-tripping, threats of violence, and other forms of coercion. Furthermore, a narcissist will never experience empathy. They won’t care about others–only what others can do for them.

14. They Have Grandiose Fantasies

On the outside, a person with covert narcissism will seem quiet, meek, and self-critical. However, on the inside, they feel an intense sense of specialness. Despite their jealousy, envy, and apparent shyness, covert narcissists will believe they are better than everyone else. Instead of engaging with people like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist chooses to be alone because no one can live up to their high expectations.

Covert Narcissism in Relationships

While covert narcissists can be difficult to spot initially, their traits will eventually become apparent in every relationship. They will always have an excessive need for reassurance, use manipulation for control, and seek to establish control over another person.

Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships with a covert narcissist will typically feel one-sided, particularly with emotional soothing, support, and reassurance. Most energy and attention will be directed toward the narcissistic partner, which is unlikely to change throughout the relationship.

Signs of a covert narcissist partner include:

• Being inattentive and distracted: The covert narcissist is self-absorbed and will give little time and attention to a partner.
• Jealousy and paranoia: Covert narcissists will constantly want the house, cars, and jobs of friends and neighbors.
• Inability to understand a partner’s point of view: With a lack of empathy, a covert narcissist will be unwilling and unable to consider a partner’s different opinions.
• Unexpected angry outbursts: Covert narcissists are fragile and overly sensitive, so they could quickly become angry and violent or break down in tears.
• Frequently changing jobs: Since they believe they know best, covert narcissists will have frequent conflicts with bosses or in places of employment. They may move from job to job to avoid being fired.
• Impulsive purchases: To fulfill emotional voids, the covert narcissist will buy expensive items like cars, property, jewelry, or electronics.
• Issues bonding with children: Again, without a strong sense of empathy, covert narcissists struggle to bond and connect with children at any age.
• Legal issues: Covert narcissists think that rules and laws do not apply to them, so they often engage in illegal activities.

Parental Relationships

Having a narcissistic mother or father is a trying experience. Seeing as the covert narcissist is sneaky, the usual signs of narcissism may not be present in a narcissistic family dynamic.

Signs of a covert narcissistic parent may include:¹

• Constant disappointment: If the parent expresses consistent disappointment, no matter the child’s achievements, they could be a covert narcissist.
• Physical absence: A covert narcissist may not be interested in being physically present with their child. For example, birthdays, holidays, and graduations may appear entirely unimportant to them.
• Emotional absence: If a covert narcissist parent is physically present, they may not be emotionally present. They may often ignore their child by limiting communication.
• Comparing a child to others: A covert narcissist parent may routinely state that a child lacks worth if they are not as successful, smart, strong, athletic, or wealthy as others.
• Anger when children need attention: Because of enduring self-centeredness, a covert narcissist will become annoyed or irritated when their child needs time and attention, even for serious medical matters.
• Exploiting children for personal gain: A covert narcissist will find ways to benefit from their child, whether financially, at work, or in relationships. Their child essentially becomes a bargaining tool.

Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships with a covert narcissist will look similar to romantic relationships with one in that these feel entirely one-sided. The narcissist will maneuver most of the attention and energy toward themselves to fill their narcissistic supply.

Signs of a covert narcissist in a platonic relationship include:

• Triangulation: A covert narcissist may use narcissistic triangulation to distract someone from their behavior or as a way to make a person chase after their attention.
• Emotionally draining others: Spending time with a covert narcissist is draining because they often share deep emotions of anxiety and depression to get further attention through sympathy.
• Playing the victim: This is another way that covert narcissists may seek attention and reassurance because people automatically respond with compassion and understanding when someone claims to be a victim.
• Lack of generosity: Narcissists only focus on meeting their own needs and wants, making them appear restrictive with their energy, resources, and attention.
• Being overly critical: Covert narcissists are frequently quick to point out flaws and imperfections in others to distract from their own flaws.

Things Covert Narcissists Say

When their behavior does not help when identifying a covert narcissist, what they say can. At times, the things covert narcissists say will make their status and narcissistic qualities quite clear.

Below are common things a covert narcissist may say:

• I don’t know what you’re talking about.
• You’re being too sensitive and dramatic.
• You’re lucky I’m so kind and patient with you.
• Can’t you bother someone else with this?
• I’m doing important things and can’t be bothered by your thoughts and feelings.
• You probably forgot.
• You always misunderstand what I say.
• Why aren’t you paying more attention to me?

Causes of Covert Narcissism

Narcissism is a complex personality disorder that is challenging to study because its very nature prevents those who have it from seeking professional help. While the exact factors that contribute to the development of narcissism have not been pinpointed, it is currently believed that these include a combination of childhood trauma, genetics, and parental relationships.

• Trauma: Trauma, particularly abusive and neglectful childhoods, seems to increase the risk of developing narcissistic personality disorder.
• Genetics: Research suggests that genetics play a role in developing NPD, with some studies arguing that this factor impacts NPD more than other personality disorders.
• Parental relationships: Having harmful or inconsistent parenting seems to have a higher correlation with developing NPD, such as overbearing or detached/uninvolved parenting styles.

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist can seem impossible, as the qualities that make someone a good friend, family member, or romantic partner are not often present. You may have to set strong boundaries with a narcissist, ultimatums, and avoidance with the covert narcissist to achieve success.

Here are tips for how to deal with a covert narcissist:¹

• Study the diagnosis: The indications of narcissistic personality disorder can sneak up on you slowly, especially when they are covert. Understanding NPD can help you better identify these signals.
• Confirm your experience with others: Speak with and gather information from others who know the narcissist. If they agree with your perspective, you can rest assured that your opinion is not flawed or biased.
• Communicate your concerns: There are countless ways to talk to someone about your concerns that they have covert narcissism, but only a handful will be productive. However, the person still deserves to hear your honest and direct feedback (if safe to do so).
• Encourage treatment: Covert narcissists resist the idea that they need help, but you must encourage professional assistance. If they are unwilling, the relationship is in great jeopardy.
• Check-in with your reactions and responses: Working, communicating, or living with a narcissist is an extremely stressful and draining experience. Consider spending time with yourself or a trusted ally to assess how you handle the relationship and if progress is happening.
• Prepare to end the relationship: Even with the best treatment, logical interventions, clear boundaries, and consistent repercussions, the covert narcissist could remain unchanged or obstinate and angry. In these situations, the best action is to leave the relationship. If it’s a romantic relationship, it’s probably time to break up with your narcissistic partner and start taking steps to learn how to get over a narcissist.
• Seek therapy: Being around a narcissist is corrosive to your self-esteem and emotionally draining. Seeing a therapist can help rebuild your self-esteem and tend to self-care
• Avoid excusing their behavior: Excusing a narcissist’s behavior actually enables it, making it all the more challenging to maintain healthy boundaries and hold them accountable.
• Don’t take their criticism personally: Remember that narcissists often criticize others to distract from their own flaws and establish themselves above others.
• Don’t try to change them: Narcissists can only change if they decide and want to, so direct your energy into more productive pursuits (such as taking care of yourself).

Final Thoughts

If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, remember that things will not change unless the narcissist wants or needs them to. If the narcissist is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, it’s completely understandable for you to set firm boundaries or leave the relationship in order to protect your mental health.