10 Questions to Ask Your Partner After Infidelity

10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

Asking questions and the subsequent answers might be tough to endure. However, for the person trying to understand the whole ordeal, it can have great value. The hope is that the questions provide insight on why the infidelity happened and how a partner can move beyond it.

Asking questions can help to rebuild trust by demonstrating a commitment to honesty and open communication. One of the reasons for infidelity to begin with is a lack of communication and honesty and this practice can serve to address that issue up front. Discussing the impact of infidelity on the relationship and exploring expectations for the future can help to establish a path forward and set the stage for rebuilding the relationship.

Ten questions to ask your unfaithful partner include:

1. Why Did You Cheat?

Asking why someone cheated is both a basic and complicated question to answer. It allows the betrayed partner to gain insight into the reasons for the infidelity and to understand the underlying issues that may have led to it. This knowledge can help them heal and move forward, regardless of whether they decide to stay or leave the relationship. If the reasons seem reasonable, it may allow the partner who was cheated on to forgive and stay in the relationship.

2. Are You In Love With Someone Else?

If the answer to this question is yes, then it sets the tone for where the relationship is headed. A person in love with someone else cannot be in a relationship with two people. It helps the betrayed partner to understand the depth of the emotional connection the unfaithful partner has with the other person. Knowing whether the infidelity was purely physical or emotional can help the betrayed partner make informed decisions about the future.

3. How Long Have You Been Cheating on Me?

Infidelity is not a one size fits all process. It can matter if this was a one-time event that did not mean much and ended or if it was a continuous act that lasted for a long time despite knowing the potential damage. It helps the betrayed partner to understand the extent of the infidelity. If it was a one-time mistake, it may be easier for the couple to work on rebuilding trust. If it was a pattern of behavior, it may be more difficult to rebuild trust.

4. Did You Have Feelings for the Other Person, or Was it Just Physical?

It might be easier for one of the partners to forgive if it was just physical. A physical affair may be easier to forgive and rebuild trust.  Some view sex as just that and an affair may be less severe if emotional intimacy was not involved. An emotional connection can be more meaningful and significant to the other.

5. Did You Use Protection?

Wearing a condom can be a sign that the person having the affair was ultimately concerned about the health and wellbeing of their partner to use protection. It can demonstrate a sense of cautiousness in an act that is careless and harmful. The affair might be easier to move past if the partner knew the other person was trying to prevent spreading disease and pregnancy so as not to make the situation worse.

6. Have You Cheated on Anyone Else Before?

A pattern of irresponsible and painful behavior is never a good thing. If it comes to light that the person has cheated previously, it can be a sign that they would do it again because they have done it repeatedly. Once a cheater always a cheater is not a given. However, past behavior can be a good predictor of future behavior.

7. What’s the Reason You Couldn’t Talk to Me About Your Feelings or Concerns?

This question helps the betrayed partner understand why the unfaithful partner didn’t communicate their issues before resorting to cheating. This knowledge can inform the couple’s communication moving forward and help them to address any underlying issues that may have led to the infidelity. It can also help the unfaithful partner recognize the importance of open and honest communication in their relationship and to work on improving communication.

8. Are You Willing to End the Affair & Work on Our Relationship?

A person not willing to end the affair is signaling that the relationship is over and there is nothing left to work out. This is such a foundational question because it sets a threshold for how the rest of their reunification will work or if at all. This helps the betrayed partner understand the unfaithful partner’s commitment to repairing the relationship.

9. How Can We Rebuild Trust After Your Infidelity?

It is necessary to create a framework for how the couple will rebuild trust. Addressing the question directly will ensure that both parties are on the same page with moving forward. The plan will likely include setting clear boundaries and expectations, such as increased transparency and honesty, or working with a therapist to address underlying issues. The couple can feel more in control of their recovery and work towards a shared goal.

10. Can You Explain How Your Actions Have Affected Me & Our Relationship?

You hope that the betrayer can appreciate how much their actions have hurt others and that they can acknowledge their role in the ordeal. Asking them plainly to describe this can be powerful. Not being able to speak to their actions and how they have affected the other can be a sign that they have not thought about what they did and that they do not have regret or are remorseful for this behavior.

What Do I Do If My Partner Won’t Answer My Questions?

Not having your questions answered can be frustrating and painful as it can feel like a further betrayal and further display of a lack of commitment. It’s important to acknowledge the difference between someone outright refusing to answer and a person that needs to process it in their own time and needs space before they’re ready to talk.

Not having your questions answered or addressed appropriately can be a sign for both partners that the relationship is not repairable. The support of a therapist can provide guidance in navigating the aftermath of infidelity along with a safe and healthy space where questions and answers can be addressed.

Establishing boundaries and expectations for communication, such as a time and place each week to talk or agreeing to use a journal or letter-writing as a way to express feelings, can be constructive. Prioritizing your own well-being is crucial during this period.

What If My Spouse Lies?

Discovering your partner has been dishonest can be difficult and painful. Communication is key and addressing your concerns directly can be a valuable first step. If you suspect your partner of being dishonest, it can be helpful to gather evidence and information to support your suspicions.

Accusing your partner of doing something without evidence, especially if the act has not occurred, can damage the relationship and sow distrust. It’s best to approach the situation with a clear and open mind, and to be prepared to listen to your partner’s perspective and concerns.

Next Steps in Infidelity Recovery

The next steps after asking your questions all depend on how they are received, how you ask them, how satisfied you were with the answers, and what avenue you both wish to take after discussing the answers.

If the conversation went well and both partners are committed to rebuilding trust, the next steps are sure to be positive and reparative. The conversation going poorly can mean that one of the partners is unwilling or unable to engage in productive conversations about infidelity. The next steps may tend to revolve around dissolving the relationship or taking time to plot out the next steps.

Next steps after asking your partner about infidelity include:

• Seeking out a therapist to work through the emotional impact of infidelity and to explore next steps for the relationship
• Set clear boundaries for communication and expectations so in the future both parties can continue to speak about this matter without feeling that it is behind them if it is not
• Consider seeking legal advice if divorce is a possibility or if property or children need to be properly split
• Focus on forgiveness and healing be it in the context of the relationship or individually as infidelity and betrayal can be burdensome and negatively impact future relationships
• Take a relationship break and time apart to evaluate what are your next steps and if the relationship is worth reconciling
• Breaking up is a last step but a necessary one if one or both parties cannot move past the hurt and mistrust.

Can Therapy Help You Recover After Infidelity?

Couples counseling can help after infidelity if both are committed and motivated to address the reasons for the infidelity and put it behind them. Goals to prioritize can include how to rebuild trust, how to communicate without anger, and learning that both partners had a role in the infidelity and that blaming is not effective.

Infidelity may have triggered insecurities, body image and self-esteem, infidelity PTSD and relationship anxiety issues that can be best coped with in individual therapy. While couples therapy focuses on the relationship as the client, individual therapy focuses on the person and their journey with conflicting thoughts and feelings. Individual therapy provides a space where the person can speak free of the pressures of the relationship that might come with couples counseling. Finding a therapist does not have to be overwhelming and an online therapist directory is a great place to begin.

In My Experience

In my experience, infidelity can be destructive on a personal and relationship level. It can cause the partner who was cheated to feel insecure and believe they were at fault for the cheating. It can have long-term effects by making you hypervigilant for future acts of infidelity either in the current relationship or in future ones. It can take time and space to move beyond but it is possible if both participants want it enough.

Asking the right questions with the best intentions can be helpful as long as they are intentional and have a clear goal in mind. It is easy to get lost in the emotion and just want to be hurt or hurt the other person. The outlook does not have to be one of grim and despair.

I speak with clients about this topic and once you get past the initial shock and conflicted emotions and thoughts, you can begin to narrow the focus on what is in your best interest. There is no right answer to how you behave and going back into the relationship is not a sign of weakness of ignorance. Everyone will need to figure out what is ultimately right for them.