How to Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On: 15 Tips from a Therapist

Why Am I Overthinking After Being Cheated On?

Most of us have heard of and even used the term overthinking, and while we think it may not be that bad, it can lead us to come to conclusions without any real evidence. After experiencing infidelity in a relationship, it is common for the partner who was cheated on to overthink, as they may constantly be concerned it may happen again, experience self-esteem problems as a result, and may have difficulties with trust issues. You may worry when your partner goes out, pays too much attention to their phone, or changes specific routines.

Those who deal with OCD, anxiety and other mood disorders may experience overthinking more frequently and more intensely after infidelity.¹

Some reasons people struggle with overthinking after infidelity include:

• Low self-esteem
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• History of abusive relationships
• Prior infidelity in relationships

Effects of Infidelity

Infidelity usually results in overthinking, which can also indicate larger side effects stemming from betrayal, such as anxiety and infidelity PTSD. Other effects include feelings of grief and loss, trauma brain, and increased toxic stress.

People who struggle with overthinking after infidelity may also experience:²

• Relationship anxiety: It is common to experience relationship anxiety after infidelity, which can be either a result or symptom of overthinking. This is bound to cause some relationship anxiety and intrusive thoughts about a cheating partner, or even future partners who have shown no history of infidelity.

• Infidelity PTSD: Overthinking after cheating can often be a symptom of infidelity PTSD. After infidelity, the person who cheated on can have long-lasting betrayal trauma related to the infidelity. This kind of PTSD can make it hard to form and maintain healthy relationships.

• Relationship OCD: Relationship OCD can lead to and/or result in intrusive thoughts and overthinking, as people can become obsessed with preventing future instances of infidelity. They may fixate on their relationship and continually assess current and future partners and relationships to help quiet their insecurities.
• Relationship PTSD: Relationship PTSD is similar to infidelity PTSD, but is a broader term that can also result from instances of physical or emotional abuse, trauma bonding, and other acts of betrayal.
• Paranoia: Overthinking often leads to paranoia, as it lets your mind run free without any safety rails, thus allowing you to feed into paranoid thoughts and insecurities.

15 Ways to Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On

It can be hard to stop overthinking after being cheated on, but with the appropriate tools for self-care, taking time to ask your partner questions after infidelity, finding ways to improve social support, cognitive restructuring, and better communication skills to express how you feel, it is possible to move on and have more positive relationships.

Here are 15 ways to stop overthinking after being cheated on:

1. Find Out Why You’re Overthinking

Thinking seriously about why you’re overthinking is important. It may seem like an obvious question after infidelity, but overthinking can also stem from preexisting conditions or can indicate that a trauma response is underway. Understanding the specifics can help you learn how to stop overthinking.

2. Lean On Social Support

Lean on friends and family to help you when you are feeling down. Social support is critical when you are going through difficult times, especially when you are working to rebuild confidence and self-worth after a toxic relationship.

3. Work on Trust Issues

Trust issues are normal after experiencing any sort of betrayal, especially infidelity, so rebuilding trust in your relationship is important to do if you are choosing to stay together. Often, this means working on trust issues you may have within yourself, as you may struggle feeling confident in your judgment and perception. It can be hard to know where to start, but making a space where you can freely speak and share your feelings and be heard is key.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help relieve feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, PTSD, and emotional reactivity. Try to be mindful of your current situation and focus on what you can control in the present. Take things one day at a time, slow down, and practice relaxation techniques when you feel overwhelmed.

5. Try a New Environment

Giving yourself a space that feels like a new, fresh start can help you get in a different mental space and pave the way for healthier coping mechanisms. This change in environment can be drastic, such as moving to a new house or taking an extended vacation, or more subtle, such as changing around furniture in your house.

6. Acceptance

Accepting that infidelity and betrayal have occurred in your relationship can feel challenging, if not impossible. Acceptance is often difficult, because it means letting go of the pain of betrayal and learning to live with it. This can often be compared to the acceptance stage of grief.

7. Work on Yourself

Often, the aftermath of infidelity can lead people to struggle with insecurities, depression, and anxiety, which can take a toll on a person’s ability to take care of themselves. Taking time to practice self-care and find ways to feel more comfortable in your skin is an important part of healing. Physical acts of self-care are often crucial to practicing emotional self-care, too, but remember to be patient, as it can take time to relearn your values and priorities after infidelity.

8. Positive Self-Talk

Giving yourself love and positive affirmations can go a long way. Often, overthinking and intrusive thoughts can lead to negative self-talk and pessimism, which can further hurt your mental state. It is especially important that you give yourself love and positive affirmations. While it can feel awkward to start saying these things to yourself, it can go a long way in helping you recover and regulate your emotions.

9. Let Go of “What-If” Thinking

Going through all the hypotheticals and wondering “what if” at every thought can make it hard to let go. It can also be difficult to stop overthinking about someone or something that’s caused deep hurt, but there is nothing that can be done to change what has happened and may lead to disordered thinking. Learning how to practice thought stopping can be especially helpful in mitigating thought spirals about infidelity.

10. Journaling

Journaling can help improve your mental health and manage your overthinking by writing down what you are going through and writing ways you are managing it. It can be helpful to reread what you write periodically to help give you reassurance and reflect on changes over time.

11. Yoga

Like journaling and mindfulness, yoga can help calm anxiety and slow down your mind by giving you one thing to focus on. Yoga also helps to keep your breath in line with your movements and instill a more mindful way of being via breathwork.

12. Do Something Active

Participating in a sport or exercise can improve your mental health and help redirect overthinking thoughts to the activity in front of you. It can help you regulate your emotions, focus on breathing, and provide a change of pace. For some, it is difficult to exercise with a busy mind, but for others, it helps reduce stress and improve sleep. It may not be an effective way of coping for everyone, but the simple act of going out in nature can benefit your mental health. You can try a walk around the park, run around your neighborhood, or take a bike ride and see how you feel.

13. Create Something

It can be helpful to channel your emotions into something creative, such as painting, drawing, pottery or anything else that allows you to have emotional expression. Art therapy and expressive arts therapy can be positive tools for people recovering from trauma.

14. Join a Support Group

Support groups are great for people who want or need a greater sense of community when managing infidelity. You may find it especially helpful to find a group of people dealing with infidelity recovery to feel less alone. Overthinking can be an isolating experience, and support groups give you the space and people where it can be safe to express your feelings.

15. Establish New Routines

Creating new routines lets your mind focus on forming new, positive neural pathways. It can be challenging to start something new when you’re struggling with insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, and/or anxiety, so involving your social and personal support systems may be especially helpful.

How Can Therapy Help?

Overthinking can be a sign of a bigger issue, so it’s important to consider talking to a professional about your symptoms and life stressors to get an understanding of what can be done to manage negative thoughts. Left untreated, overthinking can spiral into other issues which can be harder to manage.

Finding the right therapist can help identify and develop coping skills, manage anxiety, overthinking, stress, and work through feelings of sadness and insecurities. If you choose to stay in the relationship or experience difficulties forming new relationships, marriage and couples counseling can help your relationship improve after infidelity. One way to find a therapist is by asking loved ones or other medical professionals, like your primary care doctor; however, searching an online therapist directory is a great way to filter for specific things you are looking for in a therapist.(FN3)

Final Thoughts

Overthinking after being cheated on can feel impossible to move past, but what you are feeling is not unique to you. Fortunately, there are many strategies available to move past overthinking, rebuild trust in relationships and yourself, and regain your confidence and self-esteem.