Taking a break in a relationship can allow people to reflect and make decisions that serve them and their goals as individuals, and possibly as a couple. A couple’s approach to their relationship break ultimately determines whether it will be beneficial or detrimental. When couples reunite, some find that they have differing values and goals in life, while others may feel closer together.
Do Relationship Breaks Work?
Breaks in a relationship are usually intended to allow partners to learn about themselves and come by to their relationship with a new perspective, feeling restored. While taking a break can be perceived negatively, it can also be viewed as another tool to support a relationship and learn new ways to fortify the relationship.1
Taking a break from someone we love can be painful. However, successful breaks are typically set to last a predetermined amount of time, with specific parameters of what is allowed during that break. Those rules can be created by the couples or together with a third party, such as a relationship counselor.
Reasons to Take a Relationship Break
People’s reasons for taking a break in a relationship can often indicate whether it is a good idea or not. For example, a relationship break can help people who want space to explore issues on their own. But, it may not be so helpful for people who want to punish their partner for infidelity. It’s important to have honest conversations with your partner and yourself about why you want a break and be on same page about it.
When Can Taking a Relationship Break Be Good?
In general, a break can be a good idea for those who want to work through individual or relationship conflict and stay together, but are not sure how to do so without further harming the relationship. It can also be helpful if you need to develop healthier interpersonal skills, identify core feelings, address past trauma that may be contributing to relationship conflict, or are experiencing relationship burnout.
Taking a break in a relationship can be helpful when:2
- You want to develop healthier communication skills: It can be hard to engage in a relationship if you are not sure what to say and how to say it, which may lead you to feel stuck. Improving your communication and learning how to put thoughts and feelings into words is important, as good communication in relationships is usually a sign of a healthy relationship.
- You’re working on healing from trauma: It can be helpful to take a break if you are struggling in your relationship due to some history of unprocessed and unhealed trauma. Whether you’re healing from childhood trauma, betrayal trauma, or relationship PTSD, trauma can manifest in different ways and leave your partner confused. It’s important to consider and learn how to express pain in healthy ways.
- You want space to cool down: It can be helpful to take a break to simply cool down after a series of arguments or big conflicts to reset and re-engage in a healthy way.
When Can Taking a Relationship Break Be Bad?
Sometimes, taking a break can be a bad idea, like for those who are using the break to ease into a breakup. If you know that you want your relationship to end, the best thing to do is to break up. If you’re using the break to determine whether you want to break up or not, it is important that you communicate this to your partner. A break can also be a bad idea for those in abusive and/or codependent relationships, as it can retrigger the cycle of abuse.
Taking a break in a relationship can be detrimental when:2
- You are in an abusive relationship: Taking a break without committing to working on repairing the abusive dynamics is just pausing the abuse. However, it is sometimes possible for those who are abusive to work through their own issues and have healthy relationships.
- You’re experiencing trust issues: Choosing to take a relationship break to work through trust issues can further harm your relationship and exacerbate existing conflicts, especially if they’re caused by infidelity. This breach of trust leaves both people feeling vulnerable, so wanting distance to process your feelings common and can be beneficial. However, a full on relationship break can leave their partner wondering what they are doing on their break, which can make the process to rebuild trust take longer. The partners might not feel the same way about the break and what it means to the relationship.
- You want an open relationship: There are many reasons why taking a break because you want an open relationship might not be a good idea. Open or polyamorous relationships usually follow specific rules, which tend to be different from the rules for taking a relationship break. Most people in open relationships are not taking a break from their partner(s). If you do want an open relationship, have a conversation with your partner about it, as it would essentially change the entire dynamic of your relationship.
5 Rules for Taking a Healthy Relationship Break
If you’re considering taking a relationship break, it is important that you and your partner have open, healthy conversations about the rules and boundaries you’d like to implement. This can help maximize the success of your break. It’s important that both partners are comfortable and willing to commit to these terms, and that you set a process in place in case one or both partners want to renegotiate your rules.
Here are five rules for taking a healthy relationship break:
1. Be Honest
While it may be difficult, be honest about how you view your relationship, what you are hoping for, and how you’re feeling. Make sure you’re honest with yourself about what you are and are not okay with during the break before communicating it to your partner, and take accountability for your feelings and actions before, during, and after the break.
2. Define What a Break Means for You
We all have different experiences and definitions of relationship breaks, so it’s important to discuss what it means to the both of you rather than assuming your partner has the same view on it. It is critical that you and your partner create a shared definition of what a break is. Does it mean you’re broken up? Will you still keep in touch? Are you allowed to see other people?
3. Set a Time Limit
Before going into your break, agree on an end date–or at least a check-in–with your partner. Being in an indefinite relationship break can result in relationship anxiety. Not only can this help ease concerns for people with anxious or disorganized attachment styles, but it also makes sure your focus is on coming back to your relationship.
4. Set Clear Boundaries & Expectations
It’s important to set rules and healthy boundaries to minimize the risk of hurting your partner inadvertently. Breaks can feel really difficult to manage when you’re used to talking to someone every day, and even more so if you cohabitate or co-parent with your partner. Think through all the nuances of your unique situation to figure out what appropriate, realistic boundaries look like for you. Will one of you move out? Will you still talk every day? Do you want your partner to share with you if they’re interested in other people?
5. Communicate Openly
Healthy communication in a relationship is critical, especially in times of conflict or hardship. It’s important to continue to be vulnerable with your partner and vice-versa. Remember, even if it may not feel like it initially, both of you are going through the break, so have grace with each other.3
Can Taking a Break Lead to Breaking Up?
Breaks give people the time and space to think about what they want for themselves; some may feel that their partner should not be part of their journey moving forward. Sometimes people use breaks to slowly break up with someone, which can be painful. It can also be a subconscious decision, so in all cases, it’s important to know how to break up with someone empathetically.4
When Can Counseling Help with Relationship Conflict?
Counseling can help people identify patterns in their relationship and learn healthier ways to address them.5 It can be helpful to visit a marriage or couples counselor if you’re considering taking a break; they can help you negotiate the rules and communicate emotions in respectful ways and avoid further conflict. Individual therapy may also help people dealing with current or previous trauma. You can search for individual and couples counseling via an online therapist directory.
Couples Counseling
A marriage and couples therapist can help you set ground rules for taking a break and explore everyone’s feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space. It’s important to be open to counseling during this process; you can learn a lot and feel empowered as a couple by tackling this together. Marriage and couple’s counseling works for many, but it is usually coupled with individual therapy and coping strategies.
Individual Counseling
Relationship breaks are designed for you to reflect and grow, and finding the right therapist for yourself can help give you some structure on how to navigate your thoughts and goals for the future. This can be especially helpful if you’re working through trauma, trying to find healthier individual coping strategies, or want a space to discuss the relationship outside of couples counseling.
Final Thoughts
Taking a relationship break may feel scary, but it can be really helpful for your relationship in the long run. To have a successful, healthy break, it’s important for you and your partner to communicate clearly with one another and use that time to reflect and consider your vision for the future. Have the hard conversations now and learn to accept yourself and your partner as you move through this. It can feel heavy, but remember you are not alone.
Taking a Break in a Relationship Infographics
