Sexual Repression: Definition, Causes and How to Cope

What Is Sexual Repression?

Put simply, sexual repression is the experience of being unable to express one’s natural sexuality in a fulfilling way. When someone is sexually repressed, their sexual urges, drives, and instincts are inhibited. Often linked with feelings of guilt and sexual shame associated with sexual impulses, it can include fear of having sex and sexual anxiety after having sex. Those who are sexually repressed often have negative feelings about sex or believe that having sex is wrong. Many also have difficulty discussing their sexuality with other people, even their partners, including an inability to express their sexual likes and dislikes.

Sexual repression is not the same as being asexual. Asexuality is defined as having a lack of sexual attraction to others or experiencing low or no interest in or desire for sexual activity. You can have a sexual drive and be sexually attracted (and even aroused) by others and still be sexually repressed. A sexually repressed person typically has sexual feelings but experiences a conflict regarding expressing their sexual feelings.

Sexual Repression Vs. Sexual Frustration

Sexual repression and sexual frustration are different experiences. While sexual repression is about being unable to express or act on your sexuality, sexual frustration refers to an imbalance between a person’s desires and reality. It can occur in anyone whose sexual arousal is not met with sufficient activity and usually leads to tension. In other words, it describes a situation in which you are having less sex than you’d like to have or in which you are not having the kind of sex you’d like to have, whether it is with your partner or when you are single.

You can be both sexually repressed and sexually frustrated. For example, if you are sexually repressed, you may not be able to connect sexually with a partner or even be able to masturbate. Because of this, you can become sexually frustrated as you build up sexual tension in your body.

It is common to feel sexually frustrated due to several situations, including:

• Not having a sexual partner
• Difficulty finding a sexual partner
• Not having the amount of sex you would like to have with your partner
• Not being able to communicate your sexual needs with your partner

In addition, if your religious or other beliefs prevent you from engaging in sex or masturbating, you can experience sexual frustration.

What Causes Sexual Repression?

Even though we have experienced a sexual revolution, and it would seem that we have become liberated from restrictive sexual beliefs, in many cultures and religions sex is still a taboo, causing many people to feel shame about sex. Sexual shame has been connected to both sexual repression and mental illness.

Sigmund Freud was one of the first psychiatrists to explore the issue of sexual repression and how it can affect a person’s mental health. His primary thesis was that repressing sexual urges could have unwanted consequences, some of which can have far-reaching repercussions for your physical and emotional well-being. The discovery of the widespread occurrence and the deep significance of sexual repression is, by universal agreement, one of the most striking and impressive in psychoanalytic research.

Possible causes of sexual repression include:

Society and Culture

One of the primary causes of sexual repression are restrictive ideas and attitudes about sex. Societies in many countries and cultures in the world have made sex immoral or considered taboo. Purity culture has caused many people to have shame about sex. Some religions have a particularly rigid set of beliefs concerning sex, for example, forbidding sex outside of marriage and even forbidding masturbation. Since a desire for sex is a natural instinct, those who adhere to these religious beliefs are prone to feelings of sexual repression. And those who break the rules tend to experience great shame and guilt. In addition, parents or caretakers often teach their children certain ideas and attitudes about sex that can cause a person to repress their natural sexual curiosity and desires. When you are young, you may consciously stifle sexual thoughts and feelings (suppression), but the older you become the repression often becomes automatic (repression).

Past Trauma Experiences

Trauma, especially sexual trauma, can become a powerful factor in sexual repression. If a child is sexually abused or a teen or adult is sexually assaulted, the trauma can cause the victim to connect the very idea of having sex with feelings of terror and shame, causing them to be afraid of sex or repulsed by it. Even thoughts of sex can trigger memories and distress, making it difficult, if not impossible, to want to engage in sex, participate in it, or enjoy it.

Fear of Disease

Having a fear of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or infection can cause a person to repress their sexuality. This fear can be especially strong if a parent or other adult has imposed the belief that it is relatively easy to contract an STD instead of simply offering suggestions for prevention.

Poor Sexual Experiences in the Past

If you’ve had negative experiences with sex in the past, even consensual sex, you may have become turned off to even trying again. You may assume that all sex is the same and that you are simply not interested in pursuing sexual relationships.

Sexual Repression in the LGBTQIA+ Community

Seldom do parents explain to their children about issues such as homosexuality, transsexuality, or other gender non-conforming types of sexuality or sexual orientations. Many children learn, both directly and indirectly, that only men and women should have sex with each other. If your sexual orientation doesn’t align with this message, you might repress your sexual feelings in order to conform or avoid rejection. Not knowing how to name and/or accept your sexuality as normal can cause confusion, guilt, shame and fear. If you struggle with these feelings about your sexual identity, you may have learned to push down your sexual desires. If you decide your sexual urges are unusual, sinful or bad, you may tend to bury those thoughts and feelings and never seek out sexual partners.

Misinformation or Lack of Information

Sometimes parents and caregivers deliberately provide misinformation about sex in an attempt to discourage their children from becoming sexual with others. This misinformation can include anything from telling a child that even touching a penis can make them pregnant, to telling a boy that vaginas have teeth that can bite off their penis. On the other hand, if your parents didn’t talk to you about sex you may have relied upon what you heard from your peers, which is often incorrect. Worse yet, you may have gotten your ideas about sex from pornography, which tends to depict only one type of sex, usually a dominant male aggressively having sex with a more passive female and treating her like a sex object. These rigid stereotypes may have confused or disgusted you or turned you off to sex entirely or caused you to feel guilt and shame if the images arouse you.

Strict Gender Roles

If you grew up in a household where there were rigid gender roles, such as your father being the head of the household and therefore, making all the rules and your mother being passive and doing as your father says, this can influence how you relate to the opposite sex. If you are male yet don’t feel dominant you may not know how to relate to females. The same holds true for females who feel more dominant than they were raised to be. How do they relate to males? The way females are treated in your household can also include attitudes concerning sex. If you were raised to believe that only sluts and whores enjoy sex but you find that you are easily aroused, you may carry a great deal of shame, eventually leading to sexual repression. Males can receive the message that they have a right to sex and therefore may become sexually aggressive. If this aggression ends up scaring them or getting them in trouble, they may feel they have to repress their sexuality entirely.

Signs of Sexual Repression

Sexual repression refers to deep-seated negative feelings around the issue of sex. How do you know if you’re experiencing sexual repression? It can help to start with what sexual repression is not. For example, just because you don’t want to try sexual activities such as oral sex, anal sex, BDSM, or sex with multiple partners doesn’t mean you are sexually repressed. There is nothing wrong with only wanting one type of sex or only wanting to have sex with one partner. While some people might label this “prudish” it is your preferences and your desire that matters. Nor is there something wrong with wanting to wait to have sex until you are comfortable or until you are in a committed relationship.

Common sexual repression themes and behaviors include the following:

• Being uncomfortable having discussions about sex, both in terms of talking about sex yourself or even being around other people who are discussing it
• Experiencing anxiety during sexual conversations or before or during sex
• Difficulty enjoying healthy, consensual sex
• Guilt or shame after you have had sex or after you have masturbated
• Feeling a sense of grief when you have “given in” to your sexual desires
• Shame and distress associated with sexual fantasies
• Negative self-talk after experiencing sexual thoughts or activities
• Being uncomfortable around naked people or images of naked people, either because you find nudity immoral or because you believe that your body is unattractive or unworthy of sex
• Excessive interest in sex can also be a sign of sexual repression. This is especially true of those who have a build-up of sexual tension due to lack of sexual release. According to a 2019 study reported in The Journal of Sex Research, attempts to suppress sexual thoughts can result in an increase in those thoughts. This is referred to as “the rebound effect.”

Sexual Repression Consequences

Sexual repression can lead to numerous negative emotional, physical and sexual effects.

Below are some of the consequences of sexual repression:

1. Physical consequences: Difficulty sleeping and body tension.
2. Sexual consequences: Difficulty having orgasms or premature ejaculation, pain or discomfort during sex. For women, tension and fear during sex can lead to a problem known as vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles that can cause pain or even prevent a penis from entering the vagina. It can also include a lack of interest in sex or an inability to get pleasure from sex.
3. Suicide attempts: One of the most prominent causes of suicide due to shame and repression can be seen within the LGBTQ+ community. Gay and bisexual men are four times more likely to attempt suicide than straight men and roughly 45% of bisexual women and 40% of lesbians have considered or attempted suicide. The suicide rate for transgender individuals is ten times the national rate in the United States.¹
4. Emotional and mental health consequences: depression (often caused by an inability to accept oneself as a sexual being); sex-related fear and anxiety; reluctance to act on sexual desires as well as guilt and shame related to sexual desires, harsh self-judgment of sexual thoughts and feelings.²
5. Negative emotions: Having negative feelings about sex or having negative thoughts about people who talk about sex or who have casual sex.
6. Suppressed sexual orientation: caused by feelings of shame due to being attracted to someone other than who they are “supposed” to be attracted to.
7. Internal moral debates: Internal moral debates result from confusion and conflicting feelings regarding the religious beliefs one was taught growing up. Feeling unholy or sinful when you think about or become aroused by “forbidden” sexual behaviors.
8. Violence, aggression and crime: According to a 2021 study, sexual frustration can increase the risk of violence, aggression and crime.³
9. Reckless sexual activities: According to the study noted above, a person experiencing sexual frustration may also display reckless behaviors in an attempt to satisfy unmet sexual urges. This can lead to unintentional health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy.^{4, 3}
10. Faking being happy in a relationship: Instead of talking with your partner about your lack of sexual satisfaction in your relationship, you pretend everything is okay.

How to Cope with Sexual Repression

The good news is that there are things you can do to manage sexual repression and increase the odds of having enjoyable sexual encounters. In some cases, this includes therapy but there are also steps you can take on your own in order to experience sexual healing.

• Discover the cause: Spend some time thinking about what you believe may be at the core of your difficulties. For example, ask yourself, “Is it caused by negative teachings about sex?” “From painful, shaming or traumatic experiences in my childhood or adolescence?” or “From being confused or ashamed about my sexual orientation or gender issues?”
• Sex therapy: Seeking help from sex therapy is probably the most important thing you can do to solve your sexual repression issues. A compassionate therapist will help you discover the origin of your sexual repression, whether it is due to being raised by strongly religious parents or by shaming experiences from childhood or being conflicted about your sexual orientation.
• Trauma therapy: If your problem with sexual repression is caused from trauma such as childhood sexual abuse or other negative sexual experiences, it is especially important that you speak with a professional therapist in order to help you heal from the trauma. By talking about the trauma and releasing the feelings of anger, shame and fear associated with it you can undo the damage and the sexual repression that has been the consequence of it.⁵
• Talk with friends: If you aren’t ready or willing to seek therapy, talking to a good friend can be the next best thing. A good friend will likely be able to hear you out as you discuss your concerns, offer support and may be able to relate to your problems.
• Journaling: If you can’t talk to someone about your concerns, writing about your sexual repression feelings can be very beneficial. It will help you process your feelings, as well as help to reveal your beliefs and hidden feelings about sex in general.
• Examine belief systems: You may also need to examine your sexual beliefs to determine where they originated and decide whether you still want to live with them or are ready to discard them. It is possible to unlearn negative beliefs and create your own to replace the beliefs that have been handed down by family and society. For example, you may have been raised to believe that sex before marriage is a sin, but this belief system may no longer work for you, especially if it is causing sexual repression, sexual dysfunction, and social isolation.
• Communicate with your partner: Communicating with your partner or potential sexual partners about your sexual preferences can make sexual encounters far less threatening. Start by each of you sharing your “likes” and “dislikes” list with one another—sexual activities or sexual touches that you enjoy versus activities and touches you don’t enjoy or are turned off to.⁵

How to Find Help

Consider working with a compassionate licensed sex therapist as a way to begin addressing your sexual repression issues. Sex therapy can be a safe, nonjudgemental space to explore and unpack any harm that shame and repression have had on your life. A therapist can help you uncover the underlying causes of your repression, address it, and learn healthy ways to handle it to find pleasure in sexual activities eventually. Some sex therapists specialize in various aspects of sexual repression, such as religious-based repression, and helping LGBTQ+ individuals or those who are conflicted about their sexual orientation.

You can find help through online therapy platforms or find a therapist using an online therapist directory.

In My Experience

It is important to understand that sexual repression doesn’t disappear overnight. While you may find that as you explore your sexuality, you begin feeling more comfortable with your body and with sex, but you may take two steps forward and one step back, alternating between feeling more relaxed about sex and then feeling tense again. This is perfectly normal and is typical of any major change since you will be re-programming yourself to view sex in a much healthier way. So be patient and kind with yourself as you continue on your healing journey. Be especially forgiving and self-compassionate toward yourself instead of judging yourself with self-critical statements such as “You are disgusting” whenever you uncover unusual or unorthodox sexual feelings and turn-ons. Sex is a natural and healthy aspect of life, not one to be ashamed of. In time, you can find that sex is pleasurable, exciting, and freeing, no matter what activities you prefer, who you choose as a sex partner, or how you wish to identify yourself.