Tiger parenting is a style of parenting that emphasizes academic achievement, life success, and discipline. Tiger parents are strict and stress the importance of school performance and career development, often by setting high expectations and withholding affection. Parents typically want what is best for their children, but the negative effects of tiger parenting can affect children into adulthood.
What Is Tiger Parenting?
Tiger parenting is a parenting style that highlights the importance of academic achievement. Parents practicing this approach tend to be strict and goal-driven. As a result, tiger parents push their children to prioritize school work above other things to increase their chances of future success.2
History of Tiger Parenting
Amy Chua first introduced the term tiger parenting in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.1,2 Chua, a professor at Yale University and mother of two daughters, describes how tiger parenting combines positive and negative parenting approaches. She explains that this approach is common in Chinese culture, particularly among mothers, called “tiger moms.”
Confucius ideology is intertwined in Chinese culture. There is a belief that children should unconditionally obey and respect their parents when they are younger doing whatever is necessary to improve themselves as much as possible. Ms. Chua adheres to this philosophy. In her book, Ms. Chua explains that she set high academic and achievement goals for her daughters. She used the term, “tiger mom” to describe her parenting style which she said blended confucius philosophy with traditional Chinese culture and strict parenting techniques. She believes her parenting style contributed to her daughter’s “superior performance” in terms of academics and other areas like music. Ms. Chua made it clear that she was not saying this parenting style would work for all parents and their families.
Intrinsic in the tiger parenting philosophy is having the financial ability to offer children unlimited tutoring, material resources, and exposure to settings and experiences that will maximize their performance. These opportunities are traditionally only available to people in higher socioeconomic groups.
Tiger Moms Vs. Tiger Dads
Tiger moms and tiger dads share beliefs regarding parenting styles. Many people perceive the demands of tiger moms to be abusive and abrasive, seemingly not caring what their children’s emotional, social, and physical needs are. Communication is one way from parent to child, and affection is withheld unless achievement goals are met.
Tiger dads tend to be even more open about their demands for their children to be “the best” in all ways. They will put as much pressure as possible on their children believing it will help them excel to the high standards they have outlined for them. Tiger dads can be even more competitive than tiger moms in terms of expectations for their children compared to other kids.
Examples of Tiger Parenting
Tiger parenting examples could include setting unreasonable high expectations for your children, pushing a child toward the parent’s own goal, or withdrawing love and affection as a way to punish your child.
Here are several examples of tiger parenting:
Setting High Standards for Children
Tiger parenting typically involves high expectations for children, particularly when it comes to academic performance. Children may be expected to receive high marks on exams, attain scholarships or awards, and be accepted by a top-rated university. Tiger parents are satisfied when children meet these standards and disappointed when they fall short. Children may feel that these expectations are nearly impossible and can only be met by giving up other interests.
Valuing Academics Above Creativity & Socialization
Tiger parents tend to value and emphasize academic success above other pursuits. Children may be expected to spend hours studying, practicing, or pursuing activities that increase their chances of succeeding. Thus, they may have little time for friends, hobbies, and extracurricular activities. Children may feel like they are missing out on childhood, especially when they see peers pursuing personal interests.
Pushing Children Toward the Parent’s Goals
Tiger parents tend to set goals for their children, rather than allow their children the autonomy to do so independently. These goals are often related to academics or other productive activities. Because of this parenting approach, children may feel unable to express their own desires and interests. Parents may respond negatively to goals if children try to set their own. Children learn that to win their parent’s approval, they must submit to their parents and put their own interests aside.
Using Shame & Guilt as Punishment
When children misbehave or fail to meet expectations, a tiger parent may respond by using guilt or shame as a form of punishment. For example, parents may tell a child they are ‘not smart enough’ if they receive a low score on an exam. Children who experience humiliation like this may suffer from low self-esteem and depression. Positive reinforcements, such as compliments and praise, are crucial for children, and tiger parents typically offer little praise.
Withdrawing Affection
A tiger parent may withdraw love or affection to punish children. For example, parents may express intense dissatisfaction if children misbehave or appear distant when children fall short. Conditional love communicates that a child must earn affection and support and that mistakes are unacceptable.
Effects of Tiger Parenting on Mental Health
Studies on tiger parenting have revealed that it can be harmful to children’s mental health and psychological well-being. Many of the techniques used in tiger parenting can be harmful to children and put them at higher risk of stress, anxiety, and depression.5
Negative effects of tiger parenting may include:
- Low self-esteem: Inducing guilt and shame when children do not meet parental standards may harm a child’s self-esteem.
- Increased self-harm behaviors: The punitive techniques related to tiger parenting can cause children to have heightened levels of anxiety and depression. When children perceive they have failed at a task their parents deemed important, they may be at higher risk for self harm behaviors.
- Emotional dysregulation: Emotional dysregulation refers to an inability to control emotions within an accepted range. For example rageful outbursts, self harm, or substance use because of a poor grade on a test.
- Increased risk of substance use: Children can engage in rebellious behaviors in response to the restrictive demands of tiger parents. This includes potential substance abuse.
- Depression: Kids of tiger parents tend to have a higher incidence of childhood depression because they are focused on failing their parents’ high expectations. Shaming techniques used by these parents can exacerbate depression.
- Anxiety disorders: The ongoing pressure exerted by tiger parents to succeed can heighten levels of anxiety in their children. This is associated with fear of failure or disappointing them.
- Poor decision-making skills: Tiger parents tend to set intense academic and extracurricular goals. They also control socialization and extracurricular activities. This leaves little room for their children to practice making their own choices and decisions.
- Unhealthy obligation to family: Children of tiger parents believe their achievements directly reflect on their family. Socialization and non-family relationships are often discouraged because it takes time away from task oriented studies designed to create successful outcomes.
- Perfectionism: Perfectionism is entrenched with the achievement and academic goals laid out by tiger parents. Anything below the highest standards of excellence is considered a failure.
- Lack of creativity: Hard work and excellence in academic achievement are the primary goals tiger parents place on their children. There is little time carved out for creative activities.
- Decreased intrinsic motivation: Motivation for the children of tiger parents is external. The high bar of achievement is set by parents rather than the children themselves.
Does Tiger Parenting Impact Physical Health?
There is limited information on how tiger parenting can impact a child’s physical health. However, high levels of stress and cortisol in children are associated with inflammation, infection, poor immune functioning, obesity, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), heart disease, and certain cancers.6 While there are no studies to date that specifically tie tiger parenting with physical health conditions, children who experience high levels of stress during childhood appear to be at greater risk.
Can Tiger Parenting Be Good?
The philosophy of tiger parenting does have some intrinsic benefits. It can instill values of hard work and self discipline in children. These values follow them into adulthood and can heighten their levels of success in terms of ongoing academic and career paths. These children can be motivated to please their parents and take some self satisfaction in meeting achievement goals and getting support and encouragement from their parents.
Positive effects of tiger parenting may include:
- Increased academic performance: Academic excellence is a primary principle in tiger parenting and becomes the combined focus of parents and children. Parents will do what is needed to support strong academic performance.
- Strong work ethic: Self motivation, self discipline, and following guidelines are intrinsic in the performance of children who adhere to their tiger parents’ demands. These are qualities that promote a strong work ethic that will follow them beyond childhood.
- Goal-oriented: Tiger parents create clear standards and expectations regarding achievement goals for their children. This helps these childrens create their own goals and techniques to meet these expectations.
- Increased productivity: Children of tiger parents are very disciplined and are not permitted to spend time on activities or socialization that does not contribute towards stated achievement goals. This enhances their productivity because there are no outside distractions.
- Intrinsic sense of responsibility: These children have felt responsible for achieving the standards and expectations placed on them by their parents from a very young age. They do not want to fail in their efforts and ultimately disappoint them.
- Financial stability and independence: The personality characteristics valued and enforced by tiger parents include self discipline, goal completion, and hard work. These characteristics are pivotal for people to create successful career paths, resulting in financial stability and independence.
Criticisms of Tiger Parenting
Critics of tiger parenting argue that this style of parenting puts success and academic achievement above the self-esteem and well-being of children.4 Additional critics argue that Chua offers parenting advice based on her personal experiences–rather than research–and that her work promotes negative stereotypes of Chinese parenting practices.7
Alternatives to Tiger Parenting
There are alternatives to tiger parenting. Authoritarian parenting is similar to tiger parenting in that it makes high demands on children and also offers lower levels of warmth and support. These parents tend to be detached and critical. Their communication is one way from the parents without wanting to hear their kids perspective or feelings.
The gentle parenting approach differs greatly from these parenting styles. Gentle parenting, in contrast, offers two way communication between parent and child. It is a collaborative relationship. These parents offer compassion, encouragement, and support to their children. They do offer guidance and set limits but there is mutual understanding and acceptance about these rules.
How to Avoid Tiger Parenting
If you want to avoid being a tiger parent, the first step is to stop putting pressure on your children that exclusively focus on hard work and perfection in reaching achievement goals. Opening the lines of parent/child communication shifting from one way to two way communication can create more positive relationships.
Below are eight tips to avoid becoming a tiger parent:
1. Offer Support When They Make Mistakes
All children make mistakes. Exchange criticism and shame for empathy and compassion when these moments occur. Children will internalize this reaction and it will help them maintain self esteem and self worth.
2. Revisit Your Approach to Discipline
Researchers recognize that constant harsh and punitive discipline causes kids to feel rejected, abandoned, and hopeless. Incorporating compassion and empathy produces a different result. When discipline is mixed with empathy and compassion children respond by being more motivated to please their parents and themselves. They feel better about their accomplishments when these dynamics are present.
3. Spend Time Learning More About Your Child
Spend time getting to know your children. Create ways to spend time together that include fun activities that involve everyone in non-competitive ways. The only goals should be to spend time together and appreciate these moments. You will get to know each other in new and important ways, building stronger relationships. Encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings during these moments.
4. Respect Their Privacy & Encourage Independence
Tiger parents tend to make choices about who their children socialize with, how they spend their time, and what they should be interested in. Respect their privacy and encourage their independence in developmentally healthy ways. This will facilitate them making their own life choices and building their decision-making skills, which will serve them well as they move into adolescence and adulthood.
5. Offer Them Choices
Rather than choosing for your children, offer them opportunities to make choices for themselves. An important aspect of this philosophical shift is that it allows parents to have a two way dialogue with their children. It also empowers children and can build their self confidence.
6. Validate Their Emotions
Tiger parents tend to avoid addressing or discussing emotions with their children. Their approach is more critical and at times punitive. This approach can cause children to shut down and not discuss their emotions. Encouraging children to share their feelings makes them feel loved and worthwhile especially when you validate them. It also helps them feel more comfortable about sharing their emotions in the future. Listening without judgment can be a powerful act that makes the recipient feel empathy and understood.
7. Praise Them for Their Achievements
Tiger parents pressure their children to be the best at meeting achievement and academic goals. They may criticize or shame them if they believe they fall short in some way. Help children to set their own achievement goals wherever they may land on the spectrum. Praising children for whatever level of achievement they are able to reach helps them feel supported and worthwhile.
8. Consider Professional Help
Consulting mental health professionals can be helpful to both tiger parents and their children. It is important for tiger parents to see the emotional toll this type of parenting can take on their children. Many tiger parents have some trouble expressing or identifying their feelings. Therapy or parent coaching may also offer insights about why tiger parents are using this style of parenting. A therapist can offer techniques to help tiger parents cope with their feelings and encourage them to support themselves and their children to communicate more effectively about emotions. It can help develop new ideas and beliefs regarding parenting that can ultimately strengthen parent/child relationships.
Healing From the Effects of Tiger Parenting
If you were raised by a tiger parent, you may experience depression, anxiety, or anger. You may also want to avoid repeating negative parenting patterns with your own children. Talking with a therapist can help you begin the process of healing by uncovering how your childhood has impacted you. It can also teach you ways to cope with your feelings, change your thoughts and beliefs, and improve your relationships.
Final Thoughts
Researchers have learned that tiger parenting can cause increased levels of anxiety and depression for children. Tiger parenting does not always produce higher GPA scores for children. Some children of tiger parents rebel against their parents’ demands to be high achievers. They act out because of limited opportunities for socialization and other non-academic activities that are not goal oriented.
Parents need to be willing to reframe a strict tiger parenting model. Tiger parents should try to be open to adapting their parenting beliefs with the understanding that children need to feel they are listened to, understood, share mutual goals, and are loved for who they are. When this happens, parent/child relationships can move in new and positive ways strengthening bonds in the years to come.
