Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding the Differences

What’s the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

The main difference between guilt and shame is that guilt can be healthy or unhealthy. Shame, on the other hand, is always unhealthy. Helpful guilt involves feelings of discomfort about an objectively bad choice. Shame relates to a feeling of being fundamentally flawed. It is an intensely painful experience that requires self-compassion.³

Unhelpful guilt is more similar to shame (like if someone guilt-trips you into feeling shameful), though not entirely the same. It’s the discomfort of doing something that doesn’t align with unrealistic standards for success. For example, you forget one of your many co-workers’ names. Ultimately, this just leads to self-punishment.

Shame Definition

Shame makes us feel badly about ourselves, equating the negative feeling with being a bad person in some way instead of having done a bad thing. Shame is generally unhealthy as it impacts our self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, especially if these feelings are not addressed. It also tends to make it harder to forgive ourselves.

Guilt Definition

Guilt makes people feel badly because of something they did or didn’t do, which can trigger deeper feelings of depression, despair, anger, and anxiety; however, when used as a point of reflection, is more likely to be used for personal development. It allows people to recognize what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again.

How to Recognize Shame Vs. Guilt

While some feelings stemming from shame and guilt can overlap, like self-blame or sleeplessness, shame can make someone withdraw and spin out in a cycle of self-hate, while built should ideally help someone make a change in their behavior or apologize for the mistake made.

Signs of Shame

Shame can present in many different ways including reliance on drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism. It can also cause self-loathing, issues with anger, and desire to step away from relationships and other things you normally love.

Here are four signs of shame:

1. Self-hate/self-blame: Shame makes people blame themselves for anything and everything that goes wrong. Any kind of criticism is felt as a slight and taken very personally.
2. Anger/rage: It’s easy to blame others as much as it’s easy to blame ourselves. When we blame others, the redirection can make us feel better temporarily. People tend to do this because their self-esteem is so low and they no longer want to acknowledge their own feelings of shame.
3. Substance abuse: It’s common for feelings of shame to cause people to use alcohol and drugs to cope. It might offer short term relief of the negative feelings; however, it’s easy for drugs and alcohol to become a crutch.
4. Feeling withdrawn: Wanting to withdraw, avoid people, and cancel plans is common with shame. It often causes people to want to disappear or take a step back from people and things they love.¹

Signs of Guilt

Guilt can present as having trouble sleeping or general restlessness. It also might appear as volatile emotions, avoidance or dismissal, or overjustification.

Here are four signs of guilt:

1. Emotional volatility: Someone who is feeling guilty may be emotionally volatile. They will often use emotionally-charged language, which can express anything from vulnerability to anger.
2. Avoidant/dismissive: Avoiding and dismissing a topic is the easiest way to deflect feelings of guilt. The goal is usually to avoid a trigger, whether that may be a person, activity, or topic.
3. Sleep issues: Nighttime is when we start to think a lot and can become restless, have trouble falling or staying asleep, or experience nightmares. In general, sleep disturbances are one of the top ways our bodies are impacted by our emotions.
4. Overjustification: If someone is sharing every reason why they need to take a certain action, it may be due to not feeling confident and secure in their actions due to underlying feelings of guilt.²

Long-Term Risks of Feeling Shame

Toxic shame can have significant long-term risks that can be challenging to overcome. With the help of a therapist, working through feelings of shame can empower you to mitigate these risks and regain your sense of self-worth and joy.

Here are a few long-term risks of feeling shame:

Shame Can Decrease Self-Esteem

While guilt refers to feeling badly about something you’ve done, shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person, directly impacting a person’s self-confidence, leading to feelings of worthlessness. The challenge is that the more your self-esteem is lowered as a result of shame, the less likely you are to actually change undesired behaviors. Research shows that women and adolescents are particularly susceptible to decreased self-esteem as a result of shame.⁶

Shame Can Lead to Anger & Mental Health Issues

Shame involves internalizing feelings of guilt and attaching them to your self-concept. Addiction, depression, anxiety, and OCD are mental health concerns that can follow after dealing with deep-seated feelings of shame. It can also manifest as anger in some people, who lash out in response to feeling so badly about themselves.

Shame Can Promote Unhealthy or Unethical Behaviors

Feeling shame can lead to unhealthy or unethical behaviors like social withdrawal, substance misuse, or people-pleasing, all in an effort to numb or escape the feelings of shame, or disengage from social relationships. Shame can make it difficult to trust other people, and can also make engaging in therapy more challenging.

Shame Can Lead to Feelings of Hopelessness

Shame can leave you feeling empty, worthless, and exhausted. Hopelessness is a feeling often associated with depression that is sometimes experienced by people dealing with shame. When you disengage from relationships because of shame, loneliness can also contribute to feelings of depression and sadness.

How to Constructively Move Through Guilt

If you’re dealing with feelings of guilt but you’re ready to move on with your life, there are actions you can take to stop feeling guilty. Start by separating your self-worth from your negative action or behavior, then figure out how to make amends for any damage done.

Distinguish Between the Negative Action & Your Self Worth

Shame differs from guilt in that it attaches your self-worth to perceived mistakes or shortcomings. Taking an objective look at shame-inducing situations and separating the negative action from your concept of who you are as a person can release you from the burden of shame, and help you to constructively move through guilt to make positive changes in your life.

Accept Responsibility & Make Amends If You Can

If you struggle with a situation in which you behaved in a manner you regret, accept responsibility for your actions and make amends if you can. By processing the situation with the other people involved and apologizing for your mistakes, you create an opportunity to make things right and move forward into a better future.

Utilize Problem-Focused Solutions to Change Negative Behaviors

Instead of feeling bad about yourself as a person, take a solution-focused approach to change any undesired behaviors that you’ve struggled with in the past. Human beings are all works in progress on a journey of personal growth and development, and mistakes are an opportunity to learn valuable life lessons. Adopting a growth mindset and doing what you can to change negative behaviors can set you on a fresh path away from shame.

5 Ways to Overcome Feelings of Shame

Shame and guilt can both be painful, but there are ways to triumph over these difficult feelings. For instance, you might talk to a professional therapist or counselor. With their advice, you could pursue medication, try expression through art, or arm yourself with knowledge.

Here are five ways to overcome feelings of shame:

1. Ask a Therapist to Help You Determine the Source of the Shame

Getting objective feedback and guidance from a professional is helpful in addressing emotional distress. It may be the exact thing you need to help you change your inner critic’s voice and remember your authentic one.

2. Meditate

Meditating can help you process emotions differently and react in a way that benefits your own personal cause. This process slows your mind down and gives you the space to consider how you would prefer to feel and permission to let go of any negative feelings.

3. Journal

Writing things down gets them out of your head. Seeing or even hearing the words can help you realize how you feel. It can also help you identify negative thought patterns and explore where they come from and why. When we put our feelings of shame and guilt on paper and separate ourselves from it, we can think objectively about where these feelings come from and help identify the root cause.

4. Utilize Expressive Arts

Channeling emotions into art can be rewarding. It helps us see through a different lens, cultivate self-love, and face inner adversity. If you don’t know where to start on your own, visiting with an art therapist or attending an art therapy group can be a great place to start.

5. Read Books by Others Who Have Overcome Shame

Other people’s stories validate our own and give us something to relate to. They can also give us hope for something better and the push to finally address harmful emotions. Any genre of book that resonates with you and empowers you can be healing.

How to Get Help For Shame & Guilt

All licensed therapists are equipped to help people struggling with feelings of shame and guilt. Note that having a strong relationship with your therapist is more important than the specific type of therapy they provide. That said, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is backed by a great amount of research that suggests its effectiveness for treating shame and guilt.

Once you find a therapist, you will create a treatment plan together and learn about other types of therapy, such as group therapy. Depending on the type of issues you’re facing, couples counseling or family therapy may also be recommended. It’s important to go in with an open mind and a goal to address the underlying reason why you are feeling so much shame or guilt.

How to Find a Therapist

One simple way to find a therapist is to search an online therapist directory, reviewing providers based on your preferences and insurance. Research clinician profiles online and select a few to contact for initial conversations. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation, providing an opportunity to evaluate whether they’re the right fit.

Another way to locate a therapist is through personal reference. If you are in a circle that can openly discuss needing mental health resources, ask for their advice. Everyone is different but asking is a good first step. Requesting a referral from your physician is also an option. This gives your physician an opportunity to collaborate with you and find you the right type of treatment.

Final Thoughts on Guilt Vs. Shame

If you’re experiencing any kind of guilt (helpful or unhelpful) or shame, just know that you are not alone. Even if you feel isolated, help is always available. Consider talking to your physician or a mental health expert today about the best option for you, which may include regular sessions of CBT.