Worst Age For Divorce For Children: 10 Ways to Help Them Cope

What Is the Worst Age For Divorce For Children?

Many parents grappling with divorce and children, specifically children in or around the 8-14 year-old range, find it difficult to manage the residual effects of this transition on their children’s mental health and wellness as they begin to form an individual identity and are more in tune to their peer’s experiences and acceptance. However, while age certainly plays a factor in the impact divorce may have on a child, it is not the only one.

It is important to note that the absence of a two-parent household occurs in many healthy, harmonious family structures and does not mean that a child will suffer. The more influential factors in a child’s ability to thrive are the presence of protective factors such as consistent and nurturing relationships with caring adults, the ability to pursue passions, develop a strong social network, and a sense of belonging.

The Impact of Divorce on a Child at Every Stage

The impact of divorce will vary depending on where a child is in life and the dynamics of the home leading up to and following the divorce. A child being exposed to consistent verbal or physical conflict, being a victim of physical or emotional abuse due to the stress of the marriage, or being chronically invalidated, put down, or ignored are just some of the ways an unsuccessful marriage contributes to childhood trauma.

While the CDC does list divorce as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), “recent studies investigating the impact of divorce on children have found that many of the psychological symptoms seen in children of divorce can be accounted for in the years before divorce.”³

Effects of Divorce on Children 0-2

Although the widespread belief is that this is the best age for divorce, as children are less likely to have a detailed memory of the divorce and have little comparison to life pre-divorce, it is important to note that children at this age absorb the emotions and affect of those around them as they begin to develop the foundation for their emotional and psychological characteristics. This is also the age where much of their attachment, emotional expression, ability to trust their environment, and temperament begin to form.

As with all ages, it is critical to focus on maintaining predictability, consistency, and strong nurturing relationships with both parents as well as other caregivers available to them, whether family or close friends. If you notice any of the symptoms below, it could mean that your child is experiencing emotional distress.

Signs and symptoms a child between the ages of 0-2 is struggling with their parents’ divorce include:

• Becomes more clingy, and cries inconsolably when a parent leaves
• Demonstrates regression in developmental milestones
• Changes in eating and/or sleep habits
• Decreased interest in surroundings and people
• Physical symptoms such as digestive or stomachaches, headaches, or changes in bowel or urination frequency
• Resistance to toilet training

Effects of Divorce on Children 3-5

This age is full of development and wonder, and where self-identity, social skills, empathy, and emotion regulation skills begin to develop. This is also the age of curiosity and lots of questions about their environment and circumstances. Reassurance, consistency, and open, child-appropriate conversations are critical at this stage to continue positive development through big transitions.

Signs and symptoms a child between the ages of 3-5 is struggling with their parents’ divorce include:

• Difficulty falling asleep, or frequently waking up due to nightmares
• Changes in behavior, whether that is an increase in aggression or opposition or appearing more withdrawn or disinterested
• Increase in emotional outbursts and struggle to regulate big emotions
• Changes in eating and bathroom habits
• Resistance to toilet training
• Separation anxiety or increase in clinginess
• Increase in social conflict with children around the same age (aggression, outbursts, trouble sharing or cooperating with other children)

Effects of Divorce on Children 6-12

This stage of middle-childhood or school-aged years is marked by significant social awareness and comparison, search for belonging, and identity formation. For some children, this is the beginning of puberty and the bodily changes that come with it. A significant life change may be quite distressing as children struggle to fit this into their already overwhelming struggle to find a sense of identity and belonging.

Signs and symptoms a child between the ages of 6-12 is struggling with their parents’ divorce include:

• Displaying aggression on the playground, or uncharacteristically bullying other children
• Emotional distress, including anxiety, overwhelming sadness, confusion, or a sense of loss
• Academic struggles, including difficulty focusing and retaining information, struggles with organization and executive functioning
• Struggles with self-esteem and identity
• Changes in social relationships, including withdrawal from previously preferred peers and an inability to trust others
• Changes in expression regarding time spent and relationships with one or both caregivers: Children may hesitate or fear expressing affection regarding one caregiver to another or spending time with one caregiver over another. This can lead to confusion and guilt in trying to please both caregivers.
• Increase in fawning response

Effects of Divorce on Children 13-18

The adolescent or teenage years come with rapid and significant changes in a person’s body, cognitive abilities, and social and emotional development. There is a marked increase in risky behavior, opposition, and a yearning for independence. A significant life change such as a divorce without proper protective factors, can increase a teen’s likelihood of acting out and engaging in risky behaviors.

Signs and symptoms a child between the ages of 13-18 is struggling with their parents’ divorce include:

• Spend a lot of time locked away in their bedroom when home
• Difficulties in academic performance
• Struggles in identity development, including the questioning of their values, beliefs, and outlooks through a shift in family dynamics
• Increase in risk-taking or rebellious behavior
• Increase in responsibility or caretaking for younger siblings
• Increase in fawn response

Effects of Divorce on Adult Children 19+

This period is characterized by further self-discovery, forming intimate relationships, and navigating various life transitions. While many individuals who experience a parental divorce at this age may not need significant intervention to thrive, there certainly can be an impact on how they will view and form intimate partnerships, develop a sense of self, and begin to make life decisions for themselves.

Signs and symptoms a child who is 18+ is struggling with their parents’ divorce include:

• Increased levels of depression and anxiety
• Changes in self-care and hygiene
• Changes in outlook on relationships and marriage
• Financial struggles
• Increased use of alcohol, drugs, or other substances.
• Low self-esteem
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Increase in aggression

Is Divorce Bad for a Child?

The short answer is no, divorce is not necessarily bad for a child. In fact, an overwhelming majority of children who experience a parent’s divorce do not experience serious outcomes.⁴ A chaotic and conflict-filled home life, strained parental relationships, and unpredictable daily living can take place in both intact and divorced families, and that has a much greater negative impact on a child, no matter their age or circumstance. While a significant shift in family structure will certainly impact a child, there are many children of divorce who thrive and have great mental health due to protective factors and intentional, cooperative co-parenting efforts to mitigate the impact of such change.

There are, of course, many circumstances that would prevent a strong relationship with both biological parents, so ensuring that the child has at least one strong, nurturing relationship with a parent, as well as access to other stable, consistent, and caring adults, will help them thrive.

How to Help a Child Cope With Divorce

Some ways to help a child cope with divorce include:

1. Tell them what to expect: There is certainly a correlation between how you tell your child about the divorce and their ability to cope, and the more you can be honest, neutral, and developmentally appropriate, the better. Then, do a lot of listening, reassuring, and validating.
2. Avoid badmouthing their other parent: This can lead to your child feeling like they need to pick sides or console you as a parent, which is shown to lead to increased anxiety and lowered social capacity, as well as a heightened fawn response.
3. Maintain as much normalcy as possible: Try and do everything within your control to make sure they are still going to school, activities, social events, and life as normal, especially through the beginning stages of the divorce.
4. Use this as an opportunity to model collaboration, problem-solving and cooperation with your co-parent: Children do what they see, and especially what they see their parents do. You don’t need to get along, like or even respect one another, but the more you can model peaceful coexistence and a united front, the more social and emotional skills you’ll be instilling in your child, making them more resilient and capable as they grow and adapt to change.
5. Include your village: Ensure your child has access to other caring adults in their life outside of their parents. Family members, teachers, coaches, religious figures, neighbors, and close friends can all serve as nurturing and supportive figures and it is important to make sure your child can access these resources.
6. Intentional quality time: Setting aside time each week, even if it’s for an hour, to be fully present with your child can make all the difference in adjusting to a new dynamic. Ideally, the child being able to access this with both parents would support the transition. However, any time spent with them where a parent is fully present and following their lead will help them feel cared for and supported.
7. Find examples of other children dealing with divorce: Read books or find examples on TV or movies of children coping with divorce. This can help children process and normalize this experience, especially if they don’t have peers of the same age dealing with a similar situation.
8. Connect them with others dealing with similar situations: Explore options for your child to connect with peers of the same age who are dealing with a similar situation. School counselors, community organizations or religious groups may have opportunities for support groups for children dealing with divorce.
9. Offer them options: Much of the turmoil that children experience with divorce stems from a loss of control. Ensuring they feel like they have a voice when it comes to deciding on a visitation schedule, family activities or the new systems and dynamics can help them regain a sense of autonomy.
10. Follow their lead: Offer your child plenty of opportunities to express their feelings and feel heard, while still respecting their wishes if they request privacy, time or anything else they may need to cope.

When to Seek Professional Support

It is important to remember that although divorce is a significant life event, it does not always require professional help. If you are noticing one or more symptoms of possible emotional distress or divorce trauma, it is important to first check in and take a good look at the dynamics and circumstances happening. If developmentally appropriate, check in with your child and really listen to how they are feeling. If your child is feeling out of control of their emotions or experiences, is experiencing being overwhelmed, or is engaging or thinking about engaging in risky behavior, getting them professional help is important.

You can start by reaching out to a mental health professional at their school, whether that is a school counselor, social worker, psychologist, or other licensed support professional for a consultation to see what your local options are. Your pediatrician or other primary care provider may also have resources or be able to guide you to the proper avenue of support. Due to the numerous online therapist directory and online therapy platform options, it is easier than ever to find the right fit for your child or family.

In My Experience

From what I have seen, children of divorce are capable of adjustment no matter the age at which this occurs. Many children disclose a sense of relief or contentment with the new dynamic, whether or not they are comfortable sharing that with their parents. The common theme that I see is this: children want to see their parents happy. The older they get, the more they want to see their parents in nurturing and loving relationships, or living a fulfilling life without being in a committed relationship. For many, divorce is the pathway to a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Most studies looking at the relationship between family structure and youthful well-being have failed to take into account the complexity of modern families. Families of different types may display varying levels of instability or conflict, a potentially confounding factor in establishing the effects of family structure.⁵

Making the considerations for how to navigate the transition that has been listed in this article will go a long way to ensure that your children are well-supported and have the capacity to build resilience through this transition.