Unfortunately, the wounds from parental emotional abuse are invisible. Whereas children who are physically neglected or abused might draw attention from others, being emotionally abused by parents leaves a child vulnerable to unseen wounds, lasting well into adulthood. Luckily, there are ways to address these actions and find healthy ways to heal and move on.
Childhood trauma Is difficult to overcome.
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What Is Emotional Abuse by Parents?
Emotional abuse occurs when parents use words to purposefully control, humiliate, and insult their child. Parents who are emotionally abusive typically do so to instill control. Sometimes these behaviors are purposeful–other times, a parent may not know better, as they are imitating how they were raised themselves. Emotional abuse is different from childhood emotional neglect, although different forms of parental abuse and neglect often coexist together in one household. These experiences often lead to childhood trauma.
11 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Parent
Emotional abuse exists on a spectrum–while a parent can say something hurtful in an isolated incident, it doesn’t indicate a pattern of behavior. Sometimes, parents are more abusive to one child over another, such as when a child is targeted or scapegoated. However, usually emotional abuse occurs throughout the family.
Here are 11 number signs of an emotionally abusive parent:
1. Emotional Incest
Emotional incest exists when a child is groomed by parents to fulfill their needs and is treated like a surrogate spouse. This is often done without the parent’s awareness, due to their own unhealthy behaviors and lack of boundaries. This can further lead to enmeshment trauma, as parents begin to rely and depend on a child for support.
2. Manipulation
An emotionally abusive parent will use manipulation tactics such as the silent treatment, gaslighting, and triangulation to produce chaos and confusion within the family. It further allows parents to maintain control and meet their own needs.
3. Constant Criticism
Many parents who are emotionally abusive are also highly critical. This repeated criticism leads to children developing issues with self-doubt and low self-esteem, as they are unable to make decisions for themselves growing up. Being frequently told that one’s choices and actions are wrong results in feelings of low self-worth and worry about being verbally attacked for these choices.
4. Passive-Aggression
Passive-aggressive behavior is incredibly common in households where there is a presence of emotional abuse. When people are not able to have needs met through effective and healthy forms of communication, they will often resort to passive aggressive behaviors. Some examples of this include making sarcastic comments, frequently “forgetting” appointments or important days, or making “jokes” about things that a parent is actually unhappy about.
5. Threats
Threats are commonly used in abusive households as a form of punishment, and are always unhealthy. This behavior is scary for a child, who in turn learns to behave out of fear of punishment, not necessarily because they learn what is right. This may look like parents threatening to do something that will put the child’s emotional or physical safety at risk. For example, a parent may threaten to destroy a child’s property or pets for misbehaving, or harm themselves for a child’s actions. Not only is this manipulative, it is also terrifying for a child to experience.
6. Humiliation
Nobody likes being embarrassed–when this humiliation comes from your own parents, it is especially traumatic. This form of abuse is cruel and performed to cause harm, and does not include the unintentional embarrassment a child experiences if they are reprimanded in public.
Examples of humiliation include sharing personal information about the child to others in an attempt to embarrass and punish them. Children who experience such parental behaviors are more prone to symptoms of depression, shame, and low self-worth, unless they receive the support they need to work through these feelings.1
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7. Yelling & Verbal Aggression
Growing up surrounded by yelling and verbal aggression can be terrifying, and creates a constant state of chaos. This form of emotional abuse may include screaming as punishment, or using a raised and aggressive tone to instill fear, control, and punishment. Children from such home environments are prone to anxiety disorders, GI upset, and stomach issues due to the ensuing stress.
8. Dismissiveness or Belittling
This form of verbal abuse can take many forms. Many people report having their traumatic experiences denied or trivialized by parents, whether they happened in or outside of the home. A parent may brush their children off when requested for attention by saying “you’re fine, go play,” or “at least it wasn’t worse, you’ll be okay.” They may also minimize the child’s talents or accomplishments.
9. Blaming
Emotionally abusive parents typically also engage in blaming behaviors. This is because they have poor boundaries and conflict resolution skills. For example, a parent blames their child for the burning dinner, because the parent had to change the child’s wet clothes.
10. Rejection or Abandonment
When we think of rejection, we often imagine it in the form of dismissiveness of a child’s bids for attention. However, rejection can also take the form of abandonment if a parent leaves a child intentionally.
11. Excessive Insults
Using words to be cruel and demeaning constitutes emotional abuse. This harms a child’s self-esteem and self-worth, and can leave them with a limited ability to trust others, as well as make them weary of other relationships.
Effects of Having an Emotionally Abusive Parent
Living or communicating with an emotionally abusive parent takes a huge mental toll on victims. Depending on the severity of the abuse, the amount of contact one has with their parents, and the level of external support available to them, the effects of this experience can become long term. Without receiving adequate help and support, it is common for victims to develop symptoms of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety.
Effects of having emotionally abusive parents may include:
- Poor self-esteem: Being ridiculed, criticized, and emotionally abused takes a toll on a child’s self-esteem, and can make them feel bad about themselves.
- Poor self-confidence: Building self-confidence is difficult when you are frequently told what to do, how to do it, and then reprimanded for doing it a certain way. Children from chaotic, emotionally abusive homes often struggle with decision making and self-confidence.
- Academic issues: When there is a lot of stress and dysfunction at home, it will often be exhibited in a child’s academics and school performance.
- Symptoms of anxiety: Living in a constant state of chaos and stress keeps the body in a heightened state of alertness, leading to symptoms of anxiety that can last until adulthood.
- Symptoms of depression: Due to excessive criticism and put downs, children who grow up in emotionally abusive households often develop symptoms of depression.
- Substance use: Developing a SUD is very common, as substances may be used as a way to self-soothe from one’s trauma and pain.
- Eating disorders: There is a link between toxic home environments and using food as a coping mechanism.2
- Attachment issues: Because of the abuse experienced from the caregivers, it is common for children to develop adult attachment disorders.
- Sleep disturbances: The constant state of arousal due to stressful family dynamics may lead to insomnia and other sleep issues.
Trauma May Trigger OCD Or Make It Worse
Half of people diagnosed with OCD have experienced a traumatic life event. For some people, OCD symptoms can emerge as a direct response to a specific traumatic event. The persistent stress and anxiety resulting from these situations can trigger intrusive thoughts and increase the frequency and intensity of compulsive behaviors. If you’re struggling with trauma and OCD, NOCD therapists can help. NOCD is covered by many insurance plans. Visit NOCD
How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents
Dealing with emotionally abusive parents can be extremely difficult. However, depending on your situation and severity of the abuse, there are some tips that could be beneficial for you and help you start on your healing journey.
Below are some tips for dealing with an emotionally abusive parent:
Set Realistic Expectations
It is important to be realistic about what to expect from your parents. Some adults, when supported and provided opportunities for growth, can learn to develop healthier coping skills when dealing with abusive parents. Nevertheless, it is not realistic to expect this change to happen overnight. It is also important to take into account your parents’ culture and generation–a lot of their behaviors might have been reinforced by their own families, and are therefore unlikely to change.
It might be more realistic to hope for slow, steady changes. Many decide that they can not stay in contact during this period, and this is okay. Nobody should have to subject themselves to an abusive situation.
Prioritize Self-Care
Having emotionally abusive parents can cause immense stress in a person’s life. Self-care can be essential when working through this and help prevent problems from growing worse. For some, this might include journaling, meditation or mindfulness. For others, it might include getting a pedicure or new haircut, going to see a movie, or making sure to exercise and cook healthy meals. Make time for whatever brings you joy, even if it is only for a couple minutes.
Limit Interactions or Contact
For some, contact with their emotionally abusive parents can bring up negative feelings or trigger discomfort. If this sounds like you, it may be best to limit contact with your parents. If you still live at home, try to spend more time doing activities with other family members who you feel comfortable with.
If there are times when you will have to engage or interact with parents–such as holidays, birthdays, or other events–consider limiting conversation to a certain amount of time or when other people are present. This will help offer some distance and decrease opportunities for them to act abusively towards you. For example, try decreasing the amount of time you spend in their presence. If you usually stay at their house for six hours on Sundays, decrease it to better suit your needs.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be confusing for children raised in a dysfunctional family. They might not even know what boundaries are, or how to start enforcing them. To identify your needs, start by imagining what makes you annoyed or upset–experiencing these emotions usually indicates a boundary has been crossed. For example, are there conversation topics that you do not want to partake in? You have the right to decide not to.
Build a Social Support Network
When we grow up in dysfunctional environments, our friends often become our chosen family. Surround yourself with people who you feel comfortable with, whoever they are. Many may feel guilty associating with those who their parents would not have approved of, such as people of different faiths, races, or sexualities. However, now is the time to bond with whoever you find joy and happiness with.
Talk to a Professional
Talking to a licensed therapist can help you deal with your situation in a healthy way. When healing from emotional abuse, it can be difficult to know how to set boundaries and handle any negative feelings. Therapists can offer a safe place to address lingering self-doubt, prioritize self-care, and improve self-esteem.
If you are still living at home, it can sometimes feel like your situation is inescapable. To mitigate this, talk to an adult at school such as a social worker, teacher, or guidance counselor. They’ll help you feel less isolated and possibly refer you to a therapist.
Don’t Participate in Unhealthy Communication
Limit back and forth conversation when you sense that your parent(s) are being passive aggressive, gaslighting you, or triangulating you against your siblings and other family members. Simply say, “I no longer wish to engage in this conversation,” or “okay, sounds good, gotta go do homework!” This will help keep you from getting sucked into the manipulation.
Remember This Is Not Your Fault
Ultimately, it’s most important to remember that your experiences are not your fault. You were powerless to stop or change any abuse you experienced as a child. When you start to notice feelings of self-doubt or guilt, tell yourself, “this was not my fault. I was only a child. I am doing what I need to do to move forward and not repeat the patterns.”
When to Seek Professional Help
If you are struggling to cope with the effects of abuse or are dealing with associated trauma, therapy can help you come to terms with your experiences, decrease residual self-blame, and develop coping skills. If it is safe to do so and your parents are willing, family therapy might be beneficial to help improve your relationship. You can start to find the right therapist with an online therapist directory.
Therapy options after experiencing emotional abuse from parents include:
- Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CB is a therapeutic process that uses CBT to help a person work through past traumas.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is a form of therapy that examines how our thoughts affect our behaviors and actions, and how to change the way we think and behave.
- Family therapy: This form of therapy is beneficial when the whole family is willing and able to participate. However, it is cautioned against if there is ongoing abuse, unless performed by a professional who specializes in working with dysfunctional families. It helps improve communication and understanding among the whole group.
- Attachment-based therapy: This method specifically focuses on exploring feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that clients have learned to suppress due to childhood trauma.
- Group therapy: In group therapy, people who have a shared experience come together for a group and peer session. This can be beneficial for survivors of childhood trauma who feel isolated and shamed due to their experiences.
Final Thoughts
Like all abuse, emotional abuse exists on a spectrum/ Often, those who experienced extreme abuse find themselves setting limits with their parents, or cutting off contact entirely. If this is you, please know that this is okay, and that you have the right to personal happiness and emotional safety. If your parents are working on changing their behaviors, encourage boundaries and healthy communication in order to protect yourself.
Additional Resources
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Treatment For Trauma & OCD
Half of people diagnosed with OCD have experienced a traumatic life event. The chronic exposure to stressful situations, such as ongoing bullying, or an abusive relationship can lead to the development of OCD symptoms. NOCD therapists specialize in treating both trauma and OCD and are in-network with many insurance plans. Visit NOCD
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