The Silent Treatment: Signs & How to Respond

What Is the Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with someone, often as a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control. Although this type of behavior is more common in an intimate or romantic relationship, it can also happen with family members, friends, or co-workers. Over time, the use of the silent treatment can become emotionally abusive. Research has found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.¹

Receiving the silent treatment reinforces the feeling that someone we care about wants nothing to do with us. It can feel as though you don’t exist.² No matter what you try to do, you cannot reach the other person. On the contrary, there is absolutely nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries in relationships and disagreements or sharing that you need to take a time out, break, or step away to calm down and reset. This demonstrates that you can recognize when your emotions are escalating and take the necessary steps to recover, which is a sign of emotional intelligence.

Why Does My Partner Use the Silent Treatment?

There are several reasons why a person resorts to using the silent treatment. First, they often may not know how to manage their feelings; they could be experiencing significant pain and feel emotionally overwhelmed and flooded. They might have also experienced childhood trauma, which can sometimes lead to maladaptive emotional responses, such as shutting down and giving people the silent treatment. Finally, they might also use the silent treatment as a passive aggressive approach to trigger reactive abuse from their partner.

Some reasons why your partner may rely on the silent treatment include:³

• They have poor communication skills and don’t know how to express their needs or emotions
• They struggle with control issues
• They are not self-aware enough about their use of the silent treatment to make changes
• You are in a trauma bond relationship
• They have an avoidant attachment style
• They may be repressing their emotions
• They have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• They modeled this type of behavior from a caretaker
• They are experiencing emotional flooding
• It’s their primary coping mechanism

Signs of the Silent Treatment in Relationships

Recognizing when silence crosses the line into the silent treatment is crucial for understanding relationship dynamics. For instance, consider a situation where you and your partner argue about evening plans. One partner becomes upset and stops communicating entirely. Attempts to resolve the issue are met with silence. The partner using the silent treatment might leave the house abruptly and stay away, or purposefully ignore their partner for the rest of the night, fully aware of the emotional distress this causes.

In some cases, this behavior can extend far beyond a single evening, lasting for days or even weeks, leaving the other person feeling isolated and anxious. The silent treatment isn’t about taking a moment to cool down or collect thoughts—it’s a deliberate act meant to withdraw connection, often with harmful consequences for the relationship.

Here are several signs that you are receiving the silent treatment from your partner:

• They blatantly and frequently ignore you
• They are silent for extended periods of time; you never know when it will end
• They talk to other people, but not you
• You feel like you are walking on eggshells
• You try to talk to them, but they don’t respond to you
• You feel punished by their silence
• They don’t attempt to communicate their feelings to you
• They use stonewalling tactics

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

Despite the negative impact of being on the receiving end of the silent treatment, there are things you can do to address this issue and learn how to communicate more effectively. Developing healthy communication skills could improve your relationship, even if you have tried before and regardless of the stage of relationship or marriage you are in. Doing this will provide the opportunity to improve the relationship and manage relationship conflict more effectively.

Here are five healthy ways to respond to the silent treatment:

1. Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is important to determine when silence and space go too far. This can look like telling the person that what they are doing is hurtful and not what you want or will tolerate in the relationship. If you did something wrong, then offer up an apology. But never apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong.

2. Create a Structured Conversation

Healthy communication in relationships often starts with structured conversations. This involves shifting communication patterns to foster mutual understanding and respect. One effective strategy is to follow fair fighting rules, which prioritize constructive dialogue over emotional outbursts.

Even in moments of frustration, when you may feel like yelling or lashing out at the person giving you the silent treatment, there are better ways to approach the situation:

• Use ‘I’ statements: Express your feelings without assigning blame. For example, say, “I feel hurt and frustrated when I’m being shut out,” instead of reacting angrily.
• Acknowledge and address the issue: Clearly name the behavior and seek a resolution. You might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been distant. Can we talk about this when you’re ready?”

By implementing these techniques, you can create an environment where open communication feels safe and productive for both partners.

3. Practice Self-Care

The silent treatment can be detrimental to one’s emotional health, so it is important that you take care of yourself during these situations. Do something for yourself to make sure you prevent emotional burnout.

Some things you can do to practice self-care include:

• Practice mindfulness
• Read! There are books on communication, emotional intelligence, and self-love that can help during difficult times
• Practice journaling for mental health
• Talk to a friend, whether it is about this situation or something that takes your mind off the issue

4. Don’t Take It Personally

Don’t personalize it. This can be a very challenging thing to do, especially in the moment. However, if you take it personally, you end up feeling worse, making it about you, and the other person doesn’t have to take any of the blame or responsibility. Ask yourself, “Is this about me, or is something to do with them that they need to resolve?” Most likely the latter.

5. Stay Calm

Remaining calm can be challenging, but it’s one of the most effective ways to address the silent treatment. Keeping your composure helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally, making it easier to communicate clearly and confidently.

By staying calm, you also send a powerful message: their behavior won’t control or manipulate you. This approach not only protects your emotional well-being but also sets a tone of self-respect and resilience, encouraging healthier interactions moving forward.

Is the Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse?

Over time, the act of giving someone the silent treatment left unchecked can become a sign you’re in an abusive relationship. If you are experiencing this type of behavior in your relationship, it is important that you are also aware of other warning signs of emotional abuse.

Warning signs that the silent treatment may be abusive include:

• They use it as a manipulation tactic to control the situation or conversation
• They know it bothers their partner or spouse, but continue to do it anyway
• They use it as a form of passive-aggressive communication
• It lasts for an inordinate amount of time
• It leaves the person receiving it feeling more anxious, isolated, and alone
• It forces the partner to reconcile with the abuser
• It begins to erode a person’s self worth or self-esteem
• The perpetrator of the silent treatment explicitly blames their partner for causing the silence

The silent treatment is a negative and controlling form of communication. There is nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of this type of aberrant behavior. As with other forms of abuse, the silent treatment could also become an insidious cycle of abuse if change does not occur.

Is Giving Your Partner the Silent Treatment Ever Okay?

It is never okay to give your partner the silent treatment intentionally. Healthy relationships are built on healthy communication patterns. Creating an environment where each partner can express their feelings openly and honestly is essential. The use of the silent treatment completely contradicts the guidelines for effective and positive communication practices. When couples face conflict, the best path forward is continued discussion, engagement, and collaborative efforts to solve the problem.

Shifting into a non-responsive stance often stems from two primary motivations: a desire to punish or a need for self-protection. When anger drives this behavior, it can convey an attempt to control or manipulate the situation—an approach that rarely fosters positive outcomes in a relationship.

Using silence as a protective mechanism, on the other hand, may shield you temporarily but ultimately shuts down meaningful channels of communication. To resolve conflict effectively, open and honest dialogue is essential. This creates an opportunity for mutual understanding, helping to rebuild trust and strengthen the relationship.

What to Do If You’ve Been Giving the Silent Treatment

Some people don’t realize how often they use the silent treatment as a defense or weapon against their partners. If a person has grown up in a home where the silent treatment was frequently used as a tool to punish others, they may not recognize the damage it can do to a relationship. If you recognize that it’s a behavior you implement, it may mean you’re aware that your communication skills need attention.

Some tips to stop giving someone the silent treatment include:

•  Accept that it’s harmful: Using the silent treatment is a means of manipulating others. Manipulation should not be used as a means of getting your way in a conflict. This behavior harms the other person’s self-esteem along with the relationship.
•  Join a support group: Any behavior that is practiced for any length of time can be deeply engrained and hard to change. Reaching out for group support can be an effective method for unlearning the behavior.
• Consider mental health counseling: If your tendency to rely on the silent treatment as a way to shut down difficult discussions is negatively affecting relationships, in-person or counseling via online therapy platforms can help. By working with a trained counselor, new behaviors can be learned and healthy communication skills can be practiced.
• Trust your partner’s perspective: Talk about your tendency to resort to the silent treatment when you feel cornered or desire control and share your desire to extinguish the behavior. Ask your partner to “call you out” when you exhibit the behavior and use that moment as an opportunity to open up deeper communication.
• Recognize the triggers that cause you to shut down: When a harmful behavior is occurring regularly, it is important to determine what leads the behavior to develop. When you recognize the emotions or the circumstances that are present when it happens, you can learn new ways of managing your emotions in similar circumstances.

When to Seek Couples Counseling

Seeking marriage or couples counseling is a personal decision, but one that can help you and your partner work through some of your issues. There is no perfect time to seek therapy, but as with all issues, the sooner the better. A qualified couples therapist can help you uncover the pain that might be at the center of this type of aberrant behavior and learn more effective communication skills through techniques such as emotionally focused couples therapy.

The silent treatment can stem from trauma, such as attachment injuries, trauma bond relationships, and childhood trauma, so it may also be especially helpful to consider individual therapy. This can help each individual dig deeper into their individual behaviors and help improve relational and communication skills. An online therapist directory allows you to see complete profiles on therapists so that you can find someone with specific criteria, such as gender, location, insurance, and expertise, or you can use a couples therapy app like Our Ritual to participate in self-guided work and live video sessions with a relationship expert.