Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by a pattern of mood shifts and changes that can last for hours or days. Those with BPD can be impulsive and have difficulty in relationships. Dealing with BPD, either with a loved one or your own symptoms, can be difficult to navigate.
If you’re looking for advice, guidance, or information, here is a list of quotes from therapists and doctors who have all dealt with BPD in some way:
Causes of BPD
1. Complex Trauma & Wounds
“Most of the time, BPD arises from complex trauma and attachment wounds in childhood, and the symptoms of BPD are just defense mechanisms that protect these old wounds. For example, a person with BPD frantically avoids abandonment by shapeshifting to become who others want them to be, instead of who they truly are. They may also over-identify with painful emotions in an attempt to get other people to show them love and attention because this is the only way they received it in the past. They sometimes self-sabotage because they have a deep sense of shame that causes them to believe that they will fail, be left by others, and they would rather these happen on their terms, rather than blindsiding them.” – Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LPCS, LCAS, CCS
2. Taught That Emotional Expression Is Unhealthy
“Personality disorders often come from childhood trauma and emotional neglect where children from a young age are taught certain beliefs about emotional expression that are unhealthy, but most people with personality disorders truly just want to be understood and feel safe doing so.” – Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
3. A Background of Chaos & Abandonment
“It is important to remember that those who are experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder come from a background of perceived or real chaos, abandonment, and other trauma in their childhood. As a result, their internal dialogue usually consists of, “I am not worthy of love,” “People I love will leave me,” or “I can’t trust anyone.” As a result, when these persons become adults, their internal dialogue affects every aspect of their lives but is especially amplified in relationships. They learned early on to trust chaos in their families of origin. Therefore, they don’t trust peaceful situations or healthy relationships. This is why people with BPD are known for being “needy,” “dramatic,” “troublemakers,” etc. They are following their internalized dialogue and consequently creating the one thing they fear: being abandoned and alone.” – Keischa Pruden, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS
Quotes on Specific Concerns of Those With BPD
4. Trouble Maintaining Distance & Intimacy
“People with Personality Disorders struggle to maintain distance as well as intimacy within relationships. They push people away if the relationship might show their vulnerability and then become fearful of loss and try to pull the other person back toward them. It is all about controlling distance from the other person.” – Dian Grier, LCSW
5. Dysregulation
“A borderline personality disorder is essentially a dysregulated limbic system. Feelings are so big that they cannot be contained and everything spills over creating emotional messes that other people end up being victims too.” – Krista Jordan, PhD
6. Dreading Abandonment
“People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) frequently dread abandonment, struggle to establish healthy relationships, experience powerful emotions, act impulsively, and may even develop paranoia and dissociation. They also have significant problems with relationships, particularly with those closest to them. Their erratic mood swings, rage outbursts, chronic abandonment concerns, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can make loved ones feel powerless, abused, and out of sorts.” – Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D.
7. Strong Feelings of Worthlessness & Self-Harm
“Imagine all the strongest emotions you have ever felt in your life: anger, hopelessness, rage, embarrassment, regret, lust, fear… Imagine that most days you feel forced to experience all of those in quick succession. How might one react to this? Dissociation in order to escape? Self-harm to bring about a strong physical stimulus to briefly replace these emotions? Thoughts of suicide? Feelings of worthlessness or wondering “what is wrong with me?” and “why am I not worthy of loving relationships?” Feeling the need to quickly exit relationships before people find out the “real you?” Finding relief and closeness in intense but brief sexual encounters? Rapidly and repeatedly changing identity in order to find a way to escape? This is the heart of BPD and common reactions people suffering from BPD have to everyday situations.” – Dr. Nicolas Sikaczowski, Peace Behavioral Health
8. High Sensitivity
“BPD has been called a “trash can diagnosis,” meaning that it was originally a catch-all for problems that didn’t fit well within other diagnoses. It has long been pathologized by the mental health community as something inherent to a person’s personality and therefore untreatable. This is not accurate and is harmful to people given that diagnosis and to the people who love them. The reality is that BPD is treatable and research shows that people can recover from BPD with various therapy approaches including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and psychodynamic therapy, though DBT is considered the gold standard treatment for BPD. What breaks my heart is that BPD is maligned and pathologized. In reality, it is something that occurs when someone is highly sensitive and has been exposed to an invalidating or abusive environment. The sensitivity that people with BPD feel can also be a gift that allows them to feel love and joy more deeply than others.” – Linnea Butler, LMFT
Quotes About Living With Someone With BPD
9. Keep Them Company
“It’s important to know that those suffering from BPD tend to feel worthless. Therefore it is advisable to treat them with care and love. They also experience fear of being alone. You may keep them company instead of leaving them alone. They also are easy to anger therefore one should always understand them when they get mad or when they don’t want to be near a person. You may give them some space but don’t take it too personally and distance yourself from them.” – Dr. Kire Stojkovski, M.D., Farr Institute
10. Maintain Consistency & Boundaries
“In practical terms, for someone with a relative or loved one with BPD, consistency, and boundaries are key. Boundaries are often vilified because they separate us. The truth is that boundaries keep us safe and give us guidelines for how to live. Setting boundaries with someone who has a lot of fear and reactivity helps them feel safe (even though they might not respond well at first) and outlines how we expect to be treated in that relationship. If you can be clear and kind, and hold those boundaries consistently, then there is hope.” – Aleya Littleton, MA, LPC, C-CAT
11. Learn All You Can
“It is essential to have accurate information on the common symptoms of BPD. Then, you can make a note of the points that cause emotional instability and explain your behavior correctly. In addition, learning about this condition develops empathy towards someone with BPD. It is always beneficial to take professional help from a mental health counselor or therapist. They will help you navigate through your feelings. Do not start a conversation when your partner is not ready. Instead, allow them to cool down and then strike a conversation. Talking to them in a bad mood may worsen the situation. Try to learn the reasons for their sudden surge in emotions. Do not start a blame game and put the blame on a BPD patient. Instead, try to maintain your calm while talking to them. A sudden outburst in your emotions may make the situation more challenging. Always ask open-ended questions as it makes a person feel heard. Moreover, do not force your opinion on them.” – Nitin Pillai, therapist at Spring Homeo
Quotes on the Treatment & Management of BPD
12. It’s Treatable
“A Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis can certainly make someone uneasy, but with the right treatment and compassionate understanding, it’s treatable and does not need to be something to fear.” – Stephanie Capecchi, LCSW
13. There Are Often Comorbidities to Be Aware Of
“Borderline personality disorder is often comorbid with other mental health disorders, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and addiction.” – Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
14. Go to Therapy
“The most important thing you can do is go to therapy as you will learn how to manage the symptoms of BPD in a healthy way. This could either be individual therapy, group therapy, or family therapy, though I would recommend a combination of the three. It’s also important to educate your loved ones on your disorder so that they understand your symptoms better. Finally, if you have a loved one with BPD, remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for managing their symptoms. You should be supportive and caring, but you shouldn’t have to regulate their emotions for them. The sooner you stop taking responsibility for their feelings, the less stressed you will be in your relationship with them.” – Ray Sadoun, Recovery Specialist at OK Rehab
15. Learn Emotion Regulation Tools
“Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult because you’re experiencing chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and fear of abandonment. BPD is an interpersonal disorder so the main impact that the disorder has is on the individual’s relationships. The most important thing to remember if you have BPD is that learning tools for emotional regulation and interpersonal skills can make a positive impact in your life. The best thing to do for individuals with borderline personality disorder is to go into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT Is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that specializes in decreasing symptoms of BPD. If you have BPD, a crucial part of treatment is making friends with your emotions and learning how to use your feelings as a guide to teach you about your needs and relationships. When you can tolerate difficult emotions and understand what they’re telling you about your values and your needs then your emotions are no longer something that needs to be avoided or resisted and instead, you can embrace them and use them to improve your relationships.” – Avigail Lev, PsyD
16. Don’t Be Driven By Fear
“In the past, any personality disorder was a death sentence. Therapists are reluctant to treat personality disorders, due to the risk to their own practice and to the heightened risk of suicide or harm among those clients. Now we are learning that BPD in particular has enough commonality to trauma that it can be treated like PTSD, but with some caveats: if the trauma occurs early in life, your copying behaviors and relationship patterns from that trauma. It takes hard work and self-awareness to change life-long behavior patterns. There is also a lot of fear present when you’ve grown up unsure of how you’ll make it from day to day. Fear is a powerful driver, and it takes support from compassionate friends and family to overcome it. Recovery means changing your perspective, skill set, and lifestyle to accommodate your needs of safety and security. It’s impossible to do alone.” – Aleya Littleton, MA, LPC, C-CAT
17. Therapeutic Alliance Is Key
“Living with BPD is akin to being in a dark, locked room and being tossed violently around the walls, floor, and ceiling. With relationships, you live in constant fear that those you care about will abandon you for no perceptible reason or because you cut yourself or felt suicidal one too many times. You leave them before they can leave you and hurt you terribly. We have no sense of self and feel empty inside, a shell of a human being.
People who struggle with BPD are not manipulative or attention-seeking. We are suffering and have never been given the tools to communicate our pain effectively through words, so we do so with self-destructive behaviors. I choose to work with clients with BPD because I’ve been there myself and I know how much they are suffering. The work is difficult, but if the therapeutic alliance can weather the ups and downs, it’s a privilege to see a client with BPD come into their own.” – Andrea Rosenhaft, LCSW-R
Finding a Therapist for BPD
Treatments for BPD can make a big difference for you or a loved one, and therapy can also be helpful for friends, family members, and partners of those with BPD. If you’re ready to find a therapist, ask your primary care provider or a trusted loved one for a referral, or start your search with an online therapist directory, where you can sort by specialty and insurance coverage.
