Dating Someone With PTSD: What You Should Know & 9 Tips

What Is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a medical condition resulting from changes to how parts of the brain function following exposure to trauma.^1,2,3,4

It can occur as a result of exposure to a single traumatic event; multiple events over time; or from secondary trauma, such as hearing the details of trauma experienced by a loved one. The symptoms of PTSD can impact all aspects of your partner’s life: physical, interpersonal/social, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual.

Some commonly reported PTSD symptoms include:¹

• Flashbacks or PTSD dissociation
• Nightmares/night terrors
• Avoiding reminders of the trauma (e.g., discussions, people, places, things)—this could be conscious or subconscious
• Negative beliefs about oneself, others, and the world
• Ongoing feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, fear, etc.
• Frequent or unpredictable irritability and emotional outbursts
• Inability to relax
• Concentration difficulties
• Sleep problems

What to Know Before Starting a Relationship

If you are dating someone with PTSD or complex PTSD,  it is important to understand that your partner’s symptoms are not a reflection of how much they value you, or your relationship. These symptoms result from altered brain functioning following a traumatic experience.^2,3,4,5

Remember, it’s not that your partner hasn’t “moved on from” or “let go of” the trauma. If your partner could leave it in their past, they would. PTSD symptoms continue because the trauma remains present in your partner’s mind and body.

At the same time, please keep in mind that a diagnosis of PTSD is not an excuse for emotional, physical, or sexual abuse toward you. Minimizing such behaviors will only destroy the foundations of your relationship and contribute to a cycle of abuse. You each have a right to feel safe and respected in your relationship, and it is important for your partner to acknowledge that.

Here are some things to keep in mind before dating someone with PTSD:

PTSD Is a Very Real Illness With Difficult Symptoms

PTSD is a very real, challenging illness–not only for the trauma survivor but also for their loved ones. These symptoms can impact your partner’s perception of everything. They can also affect all aspects of your relationship with your partner. The good news is that effective treatment options are available to reduce symptoms and allow healing.

Treatment Can Help

Treatment of PTSD typically includes therapy, medication, or a combination of the two. These methods aim to address the present and residual effects of trauma.

The following therapies have been recommended for the treatment of PTSD:^6,7

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
• Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing for PTSD (EMDR)
• Prolonged Exposure Therapy

You Can’t “Fix” Someone With Your Love

Unfortunately, love alone can not “fix” or cure PTSD. While you can offer important support to your partner, the reality is that for PTSD to improve, trauma-specific therapy and medical intervention is typically needed.

Encouraging your partner to seek professional help is something positive you can do, but it is important to remember that it is their decision to move forward. Trauma typically involves an experience that one does not have a say in–thus, therapy shouldn’t feel like that, too. Engaging in therapy as an act of free will and choice is essential to creating a safe environment in which trauma processing and healing can occur.

If your partner refuses to get professional help, this is not a “failure” on your part. They might not be in the right mental place to handle addressing their symptoms. Some people achieve this–some do not. If your partner refuses to obtain help, and if the relationship is not healthy or safe for you, you may consider separating. This is not a failure either. Rather, you are choosing to respect yourself and your partner enough to walk away from an unhealthy situation.

What to Expect When Dating Someone With PTSD

If you are dating someone with PTSD, you can eventually expect to witness some of their symptoms. If you are unfamiliar with these symptoms, they might appear frightening or strange. Recognizing these symptoms for what they are can help you better understand and support your partner when they occur.

Persistent Negative Beliefs & Emotions

As a result of PTSD, your partner might experience negative thoughts about themselves (e.g., “I’m not good enough”), others (e.g., “I can’t trust anyone”), and/or the world (e.g., “The world is a scary place”).^1,8 They might also experience persistent sadness, fear, guilt, shame, or other distressing emotions related to the trauma.

Consistently On-Edge

A common PTSD symptom is hypervigilance. You might notice that your partner appears to scan their environment for threats constantly. They might appear to be on high alert, have difficulty relaxing or letting their guard down, or startle easily. As part of being on edge, they might be irritable and have frequent emotional outbursts.

Flashbacks

PTSD flashbacks also commonly occur as a part of one’s diagnosis, but many people don’t realize that flashbacks can come in many forms (e.g., visual, sound, smell, physical sensations, or emotions).⁹ If your partner is experiencing flashbacks, not only are they remembering the trauma, but also reliving it in the present moment.

Dissociation

Dissociation is more commonly recognized as “zoning out” or “spacing out”. This occurs when a person’s mind is not focused on the present moment, and their thoughts stray elsewhere. During an episode of dissociation, your partner might not hear or see you. Some people have no memory of what happened while they were in a dissociative state.

Avoidance

Avoidance behaviors may also be present in your relationship when dating someone with PTSD. Your partner might avoid certain people (or types of people), places, objects, memories, discussions, or emotions that are in some way associated with their trauma or trigger distress.¹
They might take active, conscious, steps to avoid these reminders; or, they might do it without realizing.

Physical Symptoms

Some PTSD survivors, particularly those who experienced prolonged or complex trauma, will experience physical symptoms which can’t be medically explained.(FN)

Some common physical PTSD symptoms include:

• Nausea and vomiting
• Back or neck pain
• Headaches
• Pain in areas of the body that were violated during the trauma (e.g., wrist pain if one’s wrist were bound, or pelvic pain in those who experienced sexual abuse or assault).

9 Ways to Support Your Partner if They Have PTSD

Although you do not have control over your partner’s decisions to refuse or accept professional help, there are some things you can do to support your partner, yourself, and the relationship.

Below are nine tips for supporting your partner with PTSD:

1. Educate Yourself About PTSD

Learning about PTSD can help reduce some of the fear you may have regarding your partner’s symptoms, and offer hope. Educating yourself can help you understand that symptoms of this medical condition are not a reflection of your partner Additionally, this information can assist you in supporting your partner when symptoms occur.

2. Be Clear About Each Others’ Boundaries

Sometimes trauma involves a violation of personal boundaries. Therefore, if you and your partner clearly express your boundaries (e.g., personal space, physical/sexual boundaries, relationship expectations, etc.) and consciously respect these boundaries, establishing a safe and respectful relationship will be easier.

3. Don’t Assume What Your Partner Needs

When your partner is experiencing distressing PTSD symptoms, you might offer comfort in ways that help you personally when you are upset (e.g., a hug, talking about it, etc.). However, this may not be what your partner wants or needs. It is a good idea to ask what they need when symptoms occur.  If they are too distressed to tell you in the moment, ask at a time when they are more settled.

4. Learn Your Partner’s Triggers

Before trauma therapy, there might be many things that trigger your partner’s severe trauma symptoms. Your partner might be particularly sensitive to any triggers if they are feeling overwhelmed, or if an anniversary date related to the trauma is approaching. Learning what these triggers are and supporting your partner in healthy ways can help them feel less alone, and be better able to cope.

5. Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help

Encouraging your partner to seek treatment shows them that you support them in addressing their PTSD. It can also provide them hope that they will experience symptom reduction and reclaim their lives.

At the same time, if your partner is not willing to seek help, and their symptoms are causing you to feel afraid or unsafe, you will need to assess whether the relationship is right for you.

6. Create a Safe Home Environment

Whether you are living together or your partner visits you, creating a safe home environment is essential. For PTSD survivors, this typically includes predictability and an absence of threats or chaos. Having consistent routines, emotional and physical safety, and a place where they can let their guard down can be an invaluable support.

7. Don’t Minimize Their Feelings

When your partner tells you how they are feeling, they entrust you with a vulnerable part of themselves–this is an honor. It’s important not to minimize your partner’s feelings, or try to get them to “look on the bright side”. These behaviors send the unintended message that you don’t really want to know how they feel. Listening respectfully is the best response you can give. You might also want to thank them for sharing with you.

8. Offer Support During Flashbacks

If your partner has frequent flashbacks, it is a good idea to ask what you can do to help during an episode.

Some general guidelines for offering support during a flashback include:

• Do not touch them (if they are reliving an assault of some type, they might mistake you for the perpetrator)
• Softly call their name and remind them that they are safe and the trauma is over… that they have already survived it.

9. Try To Be Patient; Therapy Takes Time

Your partner’s recovery will take time. The therapy process itself can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Your partner might be more agitated or emotional in the thick of it.  However, remind yourself that over time, you will both likely see improvements within the relationship as their PTSD symptoms decrease in severity and frequency.

Be Sure to Take Care of Yourself, Too

Supporting a partner through PTSD recovery requires a lot of energy and patience. Because of this, you need to take good care of yourself; ensure you have the support you need to stay emotionally and physically healthy.

Practice Intentional Self-Care

No one can continually give without taking time to replenish themselves. Failing to pay attention to one’s own needs to a point of emptiness will only lead to resentment and upset. Take the time for self-care, and do activities that fill you with joy, peace, and happiness.

Some methods of self-care include:

• Physical activity: going for a walk or run, working out, playing a sport
• Mindfulness: noticing the sights, sounds, and smells of nature around you;  yoga; paying attention to your breathing
• Social interaction: hanging out with friends; going to a sports event; having dinner with family
• Comforting sensations: listening to music; wearing comfortable clothes; taking a hot bath or shower
• Distractions: watching a movie; doing a puzzle; reading

Support Your Partner in Strengthening Their Support System

If your partner does not have a good support system, you might want to encourage them to develop one, for both of your sakes. Being their sole support will not be healthy for your relationship.

Supporting your partner in strengthening their support system might involve:

• Encouraging them to spend time with their friends
• Going out with others as a couple
• Motivating your partner to attend a support group specific to the trauma they experienced (e.g., Veterans with PTSD; Survivors of Sexual Assault).
• Encouraging them to talk to their family doctor and/or a trusted friend/family member about what they have been going through.

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help For Yourself

Although your partner’s PTSD symptoms are not directly related to you–any more than a  fever would be if they had an infection– their symptoms might be causing you distress. It is important for you to have the support you need and to seek out professional help when necessary.

You and your partner might also benefit from couples therapy if you’re both willing. This can help you navigate the challenges in your relationship, and set healthy and supportive boundaries with each other and with family and friends.

Final Thoughts

PTSD is a challenging medical condition, but education and support are available. Healing from PTSD is possible with the appropriate professional interventions. As a support person to your partner, it is imperative that you also feel supported and seek your treatment if needed.