Fitting in can come easily to some people but not to others. There are different reasons why people feel like they do not belong or why they even have a strong desire to fit in to begin with. What would it look like knowing how to effectively connect with others and have the confidence to do so?
Why Do We Want to Fit In So Badly?
Most of us have the desire to fit in with the people and environment around us. As social beings, we need social connection to thrive and function, and without fitting into groups or social settings it can be hard to get those needs met. Sometimes, we want to be accepted so badly that we end up masking our true traits or opinions to fit in with others. As we grow older, we learn that fitting in can be tied to our self worth.
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Why Don’t I Fit In?
Not fitting in can have a lot to do with levels of self-esteem, how people view themselves, how they view their interactions with others, and how others view them. Some people may find it difficult to fit in because of issues with their self-esteem and may base their worth off of how well others view them.2 These people may wait for others to affirm or validate who they are, giving other people the power to determine if they fit in or not.
People who do not fit in because of low self-worth may also find themselves trying to prove their worth to other people as a means of impressing them or trying to do what they feel is acceptable behavior, giving in to peer pressure. More and more, there is evidence of people engaging in extreme behaviors just to get noticed, recognized, or acknowledged by their peers.2 Continuously trying to prove yourself so that other people will like you is just an indication that you are not really accepting who you are.3 Oftentimes, people can spot others who are putting too much work into trying to fit in versus those who are just being themselves and fit in naturally.
How to Cope When You Don’t Fit In
Not fitting in all the time isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being different can give you an opportunity to embrace your individuality and bring something new to the table. Not fitting in can give you an opportunity to celebrate what sets you apart and to do your own thing without needing anyone’s permission.
Here are 11 tips for what to do if you don’t fit in:
1. Embrace It & Be Yourself Regardless
One thing that makes the world so great is how people have used their uniqueness to contribute to society. Without each person having their own unique set of qualities, the world couldn’t function as it does. Unique traits are essential to our society and they should always be celebrated.4 One way to embrace not fitting in is knowing that no one else can do what you have been gifted to do in the way that you do it. People may have similar talents or gifts, but each person is so individualized that only they have the ability to specifically design or create something in a way that no one else could.
2. Practice Expressing Yourself
When people try to fit in, they are oftentimes limited to approval-seeking behaviors, and they can have a difficult time relaxing and just being themselves. Being yourself and being able to fully express yourself should be effortless, without the fear of how other people will perceive or respond to you.5 You have to realize that the people who made the biggest impacts in history were the ones who had to stand out and didn’t allow themselves to be “put into a box” someone else created, instead they created their own box!
3. Cultivate Your Skills & Gifts
Your gifts and skills could be related to writing, art, music, fashion, or something that’s in a totally different arena. You could do some research on how to grow your skill or talent and how to connect with other people who are more seasoned in your gifted area. This will also give you an opportunity to build your confidence and interact with those of similar talents and interests.
4. Express Yourself Through Style
Instead of keeping up with the latest trends, you can develop something that is unique to your own style. You can get creative with putting clothing, shoes, jewelry, accessories, and other apparel together. You can also make adjustments or alterations to your clothing to make it even more unique. This can also include experimenting with various hairstyles, color schemes, or other forms of outward expression.
5. Create a Blog or Website
If you’re not so much into the fashion scene, you could always create a blog where you can open up and express yourself candidly. You can choose various topics to write on based on your experience, or what you think others like you could benefit from reading. It can also create dialogue and build relationships among people who have had similar experiences. You can also develop a website catering to any theme or subject of your choice. You will have the freedom to write and create whatever you feel liberated to do on these platforms.
6. Overcome Any Anxiety, Depression, or Trust Issues Holding You Back
Sometimes we have a history that can work against us. If you have gone through trauma, it is important that you consider the trauma as one of the barriers in your life. If you have not worked through the emotions that come up, you might sometimes find ways to remove yourself from situations to avoid retraumatization, but that can also keep you isolated.
7. Grow Your Self-Confidence
Working to improve your self esteem is a big part of fitting in. A lot of belonging involves a level of self confidence that will allow you to be seen by others. Having a good sense of self and knowing what you want and need can be a good way to learn more about the types of people you want to fit in with.
8. Use Friendly Body Language
Sometimes the way we are sitting or our facial expression can prohibit deeper connections. It’s important to consider your body language to ensure you are inviting and open to new connections.
9. Practice Your Communication Skills
Working on communication and being able to hold a conversation and staying engaged is important. Everyone wants to feel heard, so being able to listen to others is going to benefit you when trying to build relationships.
10. Don’t Isolate Yourself
If you are looking to fit in with certain groups, it’s important that you do not isolate yourself. Isolation will deteriorate mental health and make it more challenging for you to make connections. Staying connected with even a couple friends will give you the boost you need.
11. Know Your Worth
It is important to know that just because you don’t fit in somewhere, doesn’t mean you don’t belong or that there is no place for you. Everyone has a place and everyone will find their group. It’s important to learn which groups are worth sticking around to fit in with, especially if the group is making it difficult. Know your worth and find a group that will willingly accept you.
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Signs Not Fitting in Might Mean You Need to Make a Change
There could be some underlying issues relating to confidence, self-esteem, and other social issues that may be hindering your from connecting and fitting in that should be addressed. If you’re feeling like you never have fit in and can’t effectively socially interact with others, there could be some things that you may have to work on.
When in social situations, if you constantly find yourself feeling uncomfortable or thinking people won’t like you, you’ve already mentally defeated yourself. You can not reject yourself and then expect others to accept you. Confidence involves knowing your value and your worth and not letting anyone persuade you otherwise. It’s not something that can be taught, it comes from knowing who you are and accepting yourself as you are.7 When you find yourself in this cycle of constantly not fitting in due to issues within, it’s time to start making steps to change.
When to Seek Professional Help If You Don’t Fit In
If you have gotten to a point where you feel that your self esteem or even a mental health condition could be holding you back from living your best life, it could be beneficial to seek help from a mental health professional or counselor. These professionals can be helpful when you’ve done all you can to bring a positive change to your life but need more support in doing so.
People who received therapy had an increase in self-image and self-esteem in comparison to those who did not receive treatment.8 In addition to issues with esteem and social skills, therapy can also involve treating depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns that may be negatively impacting your life and your ability to socialize in healthy ways.
How to Find a Therapist
One way could be getting a referral from your doctor or medical professional after meeting with them regarding your medical health. You could also ask family or friends if they personally recommend someone. Another method to finding a therapist can be looking up mental health professionals in a provider directory from your insurance company. You can also use an online therapist directory and use search filters to find therapists in your area who accept your insurance and who specialize in your area of need.
Tips for Fitting in With Any Community
Fitting within a community doesn’t mean that you have to change yourself, it more so means learning about other ways of life and embracing the differences you come across. It may include getting out of your comfort zone to learn and experience new things and being able to acculturate without losing your own identity. Embracing a new community will cause you to have greater respect and admiration for other ways of life and can make you a more well-rounded individual overall.
Learn About the Community You’d Like to Join
One of the first things about fitting in with another community is to have some knowledge about that community. It is good to do research and engage in different activities to learn more and have a deeper respect for the community as a whole.9
Stay Open-Minded
You must be open to groups of people who have different upbringings and who may do things differently than what you are used to doing. You have to go in open-minded and willing to try new things. Get out of your comfort zone and embrace something different. By doing so, you will allow yourself the opportunity to build your confidence and to build new relationships.
Stay True to Who You Are While Finding Common Ground
As it relates to embracing new communities, it’s important to be honest and true to yourself during the process.9 You should also be upfront about differences and barriers between yourself and the new community, but also work to find common ground to build relationships.9 Community is all about the connections and shared experiences people have with each other. These relationships allow them to connect with each other and focus more on what they have in common versus what sets them apart.
Here are more tips to help you fit in with a new community:9,10
- Being active in social groups and meet up groups
- Doing volunteer work at local agencies, charities, hospitals, etc.
- Joining local/national groups and organizations
- Joining book clubs, game clubs, music/art clubs
- Enrolling in free classes/courses at a local institutions/schools
- Participating in neighborhood/local activities and events
- Participating in faith-based organizations and events
- Engaging in or attending local sporting activities/events
- Visiting recreational centers/gyms
- Using social media sites for local current events and linking with others
Final Thoughts
Most people have a desire to feel connected and fit in with others. Some people just need more support and confidence in making those connections. It is possible to enjoy interacting with others without trying to change who you are. You can always enjoy fitting in with others who share your interests while at the same time still embracing what makes you different.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
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Why Don’t I Fit In & What Can I Do About it? Infographics
