Fitting in can be one of those things that may come easily to some people but not to others. There are different reasons why people feel like they do not belong or why they even have a strong desire to fit in to begin with. What would it even look like for someone to embrace their individuality and not worry about being a part of the crowd? What would it look like knowing how to effectively connect with others all while having the confidence to do so?
What Causes People to Feel like They Don’t Fit in?
Fitting in or not fitting in can have a lot to do with levels of self-esteem, how people view themselves, how they view their interactions with others, and how others view them. How people see themselves can impact how others see them or respond to them. Being too concerned with the opinions of others can cause you to have a low opinion of yourself and to crave validation from others.
No two people on earth have identical experiences, views, or personalities. Our DNA makes us unique and what we experience in life sets us apart as individuals.1 However, some people may feel more set apart and may not feel like being who they are fits in with others. Some people may find it difficult to fit in because of issues with their self-esteem and may base their worth off of how well others view them.2 These people may wait for others to affirm or validate who they are, giving other people the power to determine if they fit in or not.
Individuals who do not fit in because of low self-worth may also find themselves trying to prove their worth to other people as a means of impressing them or trying to do what they feel is acceptable behavior. More and more, there is evidence of people engaging in extreme behaviors just to get noticed, recognized, or acknowledged by their peers.2
When people are trying to convince other people of their worth, it could be that they are just trying to convince themselves.2 Continuously trying to prove yourself so that other people will like you is just an indication that you are not really accepting who you are.3 It is noticeable when people try too hard to fit in and it doesn’t seem natural. They can try too hard to be something they think other people want them to be. Oftentimes people can spot out others who are putting too much work into trying to fit in versus those who are just being themselves and fit in naturally.
Peers, colleagues, or other cohorts can also determine if people fit in or don’t fit within certain social contexts. Certain groups of people may have certain criteria that they go by to accept or reject others. There are many times in social settings, work settings, and other settings where there is usually an “in crowd” and only a certain group of people fit in this crowd. People in “the in crowd” can tend to use their criteria to determine if other people meet their standards of fitting in with them. Unfortunately, not only can people belonging to the “in crowd” celebrate themselves for being apart, they are also times when they can be disparaging towards those in the “out crowd.”
How to Celebrate Not Fitting In
Not fitting in all the time isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being different can give you an opportunity to embrace your individuality and bring something new to the table. Not fitting in gives you a chance to stick out and doesn’t require any effort at all. It gives you an opportunity to celebrate what sets you apart and to do your own thing without needing anyone’s permission.
One thing that makes the world so great is how people have used their uniqueness to contribute to society. Without each person having their own unique set of qualities, the world couldn’t function as it does. Unique traits are essential to our society and they should always be celebrated.4 One way to embrace not fitting in all the time is knowing that no one else can do what you have been gifted to do in the way that you do it. People may have similar talents or gifts, but each person is so individualized that only they have the ability to specifically design or create something in a way that no one else could.
Another way of celebrating your uniqueness is learning how to express yourself unapologetically. When people try to fit in, they are oftentimes limited to approval seeking behaviors and they can have a difficult time relaxing and just being themselves. Being yourself and being able to fully express yourself should be effortless, without the fear of how other people will perceive or respond to you.5 You have to realize that the people who made the biggest impacts in history were the ones who had to stand out and didn’t allow themselves to be “put into a box” someone else created, instead they created their own box!
Here are some ways in which you can celebrate not always fitting in:
Cultivating Skills & Gifts
One way to embrace not fitting in would be to cultivate skills or gifts that you have that may not necessarily be popular with your peers. This gift could be related to writing, art, music, fashion, or something that’s in a totally different arena. You could do some research on how to grow your skill or talent or how to connect with other people who are more seasoned in your gifted area. You could learn more on how to stick out in a crowd and how you could make your gift work for you. This will also give you an opportunity to build your confidence and interact with those of similar talents and interests.
Expressing Yourself Through Style
Instead of keeping up with the latest trends, you can develop something that is unique to your own style. You can get creative with putting clothing, shoes, jewelry, accessories, and other apparel together. You can also make adjustments or alterations to your clothing to make it stick out even more. This can also include experimenting with various hairstyles, color schemes, or other forms of outward expression or fashion.
Creating a Blog or Website
If you’re not so much into the fashion scene, you could always create a blog to be able to open up and express yourself candidly. You can choose various topics to write on that you experience or what you think others like you could benefit from reading. It can also create dialogue and build relationships among people of similar experiences. You can also develop a website catering to any theme or subject of your choice. You will have the freedom to write and create whatever you feel liberated to do on these platforms.
Long story short, just be creative. You don’t need anyone’s approval to celebrate yourself or tell you how to do it!
When It Might Be Time to Make a Change
Although it’s healthy to appreciate and embrace not always fitting in, there may be times when it can be beneficial to interact and be in the company of others. Consistently sticking out like a sore thumb or finding yourself alone could indicate that you may need to do something different to connect with others. There could be some underlying issues relating to confidence, self-esteem, and other social issues that may be hindering your from connecting and fitting in that should be addressed.
There are a number of things in life that occur due to external circumstances, but there are other times when it’s actually we who are the problem. If you’re feeling like you never have fit in and can’t effectively socially interact with others, there could be some things that you may have to work on. According to a study by Reay in 2010, it was found that people lacking confidence and self esteem usually have a difficult time relating to people and naturally being themselves.6 People with low self-esteem may also come off as awkward in social situations, which could make socializing even more difficult.
When in social situations, if you constantly find yourself feeling uncomfortable or thinking people won’t like you, you’ve already mentally defeated yourself from fitting in. You can not reject yourself and expect for others to accept you. Confidence is having this mind state of knowing your value and your worth and not letting anyone persuade you otherwise. It’s not something that can be taught, it comes from knowing who you are and accepting yourself as you are. 7 When you find yourself in this cycle of constantly not fitting in due to issues within, it’s time to start making steps to change.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you have gotten to a point where you feel that your self esteem or even a mental health condition could be holding you back from living your best life, it could be beneficial to seek help from a mental health professional or counselor. These professionals can be helpful when you’ve done all you can to bring a positive change to your life but need more support in doing so. According to a study by Taylor and Montgomery in 2007, people who received therapy had an increase in self-image and self-esteem in comparison to those who did not receive treatment. 8 In addition to issues with esteem and social skills, therapy can also involve treating depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns that may be negatively impacting your life.
How to Find a Therapist
When someone has finally realized that they could benefit from seeing a mental health professional, the next step would be trying to locate a therapist. One way could be getting a referral from your doctor or medical professional after meeting with them regarding your medical health. You could also ask family or friends if they personally recommend someone.
Another method to finding a therapist can be looking up mental health professionals in a provider directory from your insurance company. You can also use search engines to find websites for therapist directories and use search filters to find therapists in your area, who accept your insurance and who specialize in your area of need. For further guidance, you can also review this article on choosing a therapist.
Tips for Fitting in With Any Community
Attempting to fit in with a community may initially sound more daunting than what it actually is. Fitting within a community doesn’t mean that you have to change yourself, it more so means learning about other ways of life and embracing the differences you come across. It may include getting out of your comfort zone to learn and experience new things and being able to acculturate without losing your own identity. Embracing a new community will cause you to have greater respect and admiration for other ways of life and can make you a more well-rounded individual overall.
One of the first things about fitting in with another community is to have some knowledge about that community. It is good to do research and engage in different activities to learn more and have a deeper respect for the community as a whole.9 You must be open to groups of people who have different upbringings and who may do things differently than what you are used to doing. You have to go in open-minded and willing to try new things. You should not limit yourself to feeling comfortable, so feel free to get out of your comfort zone and embrace something different. By doing so you will allow yourself the opportunity to build your confidence and to build new relationships.
Another important aspect in trying to fit in with a new community is by fully embracing the community while still being true to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not growing up within a community and wanting to learn more about it and showing some interest. However, you can come off insincere if you’re trying to convince others that you know more about the community that you actually do. It’s ok not to know some things, it’s all apart of learning and experiencing something new.
As it relates to embracing new communities, Riojas-Cortezas encourages people to be honest and be true to themselves in the process.9 The author also encourages people to be upfront about differences and barriers between them and the new community, but to also find common ground to build relationships.9 Community is all about the connections and shared experiences people have with each other. These relationships allow them to connect with each other and focus more on what they have in common versus what sets them apart.
Here are some tips on fitting in more within new communities:9,10
- Being active in social groups and meet up groups
- Doing volunteer work at local agencies, charities, hospitals, etc.
- Joining local/national groups and organizations
- Joining book clubs, game clubs, music/art clubs
- Enrolling in free classes/courses at a local institutions/schools
- Participating in neighborhood/local activities and events
- Participating in faith-based organizations and events
- Engaging in or attending local sporting activities/events
- Visiting recreational centers/gyms
- Using social media sites for local current events and linking with others
Most people have a desire to feel connected and fit in with others. Some people just need more support and confidence in making those connections. It is possible to enjoy interacting with others without trying to change who you are. You can always enjoy fitting in with others who share your interests while at the same time still embracing what makes you different.
Additional Resources for Fitting In
You can learn more about ways to fit in using these resources
