Helicopter parenting is an approach to raising children that involves high levels of control and monitoring.This approach can have negative effects on children and even hinder their ability to develop independence and autonomy. If you’re struggling as a parent or as someone who grew up with helicopter parents, therapy can help.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting refers to parents who “hover” over their children, trying to monitor and control their every move.1 While this may be appropriate for babies and toddlers, helicopter parents continue this pattern as their children enter into adulthood. Similarly, they may also have traits of snowplow parents, who try to remove all obstacles for their children as a part of their constant monitoring.
Traditionally, parenting styles include:
More recently, researchers have identified additional styles, like tiger parenting and helicopter parenting.2
Like authoritative and permissive/indulgent families, helicopter parents are also highly responsive, but to an extent that is overbearing, overprotective, and smothering. As children of helicopter parents become older and more mature, they have a harder time managing their behavior and emotions, which can affect their functioning in school, work, and relationships.3 This parenting style is especially harmful as children enter adulthood, a time usually spent establishing autonomy.4
10 Signs of a Helicopter Parent
Helicopter parents tend to be anxious and cope by becoming overly involved in their children’s lives.1 Unfortunately, this hinders children’s abilities to develop autonomy and manage their emotions as they enter adulthood.3
Ten signs of helicopter parenting are:
- “Hovering” over children rather than encouraging autonomy and healthy separation
- Excessive anxiety about children failing or getting hurt
- Being overly involved in all areas of a child’s life (academics, recreational activities, and friendships)
- Making decisions for children such as which college to attend or activities to join
- Constantly correcting children rather than letting them make mistakes
- Protecting children from experiencing disappointment or failure
- Stepping in when children experience conflict rather than allowing them to resolve their own problems
- Not allowing children to participate in age-appropriate activities
- Taking advantage of every opportunity to be with children, such as volunteering to coach their sports team or be the class parent
- Doing tasks for children (e.g., chores and homework) rather than supporting their independence (even enabling them as adults)
What Are the Effects of Helicopter Parents?
Helicopter parents often have good intentions, but this parenting style is associated with negative outcomes. For example, helicopter parenting prevents children from learning important skills that help them achieve independence and autonomy.5 These negative effects become particularly apparent as children enter adulthood.
When it comes to mental health, college students with helicopter parents are more likely to experience depression and feel less satisfied with life.6 Helicopter parenting is also associated with poorer academic performance and a more difficult adjustment to college.7,8 It seems that this approach to parenting affects children’s self-efficacy, or confidence in their abilities, which contributes to difficulty adjusting to adulthood.
While helicopter parenting is generally linked to negative outcomes, the relationship between the parent and child does make a difference. One study found that college-aged children of helicopter parents who were not warm or supportive were more likely to experience low self-worth and engage in risky behaviors.9 This was not the case for children of helicopter parents who were warm and supportive.
Helicopter Moms vs. Helicopter Dads
One study found that helicopter parenting was more common among mothers than fathers.10 Females reported that having a helicopter mother was associated with less autonomy and males reported that having a helicopter father was associated with less closeness. Another study found that adult children of helicopter parents tend to view their mothers’ “hovering” as negative and intrusive, whereas they see their fathers’ as positive and protective.11
Common Causes of Helicopter Parenting
While all parents experience anxiety about their children, helicopter parents tend to be highly anxious, even when their children are in safe environments.5 These parents have a strong desire to protect their children from harm, failure, and negative emotions like disappointment. They respond to this by exerting control and closely monitoring their children’s behavior. Helicopter parents also have a strong, sometimes overbearing desire for their children to succeed.
8 Tips For Avoiding Helicopter Parenting
It can be difficult for helicopter parents to stop, but there are ways to manage urges to overbear and overprotect. These include offering choices, teaching kids how to manage difficult situations, and giving them space as they age.
Here are eight tips for unlearning patterns of helicopter parenting:
1. Gradually Give Your Children Space as They Get Older
“Hovering” over infants and toddlers is necessary, but as children get older, it is important to allow them space to play independently and with friends. The amount of space you give will vary depending upon your child’s age and maturity level, but it should increase over time.
2. Offer Choices
Instead of controlling what your child does, provide choices. For example, you might suggest that they can choose between soccer, dance, or music classes.
3. Help Your Children Make Their Own Decisions
Avoid making decisions for your children; instead, guide them by helping them consider their options and weigh the pros and cons.
4. Allow Children to Make Mistakes
As parents, it’s hard to see your child struggle or fail, but it’s necessary to make mistakes. When mistakes happen, help them process how they feel and talk about what they could do differently in the future.
5. Teach Them How to Handle Problems
When children face challenges, your instinct may be to step in and fix the problem; however, it is more helpful to talk to them about these challenges and brainstorm ways to manage.
6. Assign Chores & Other Age-Appropriate Responsibilities
Give your children an opportunity to learn responsibility by assigning tasks, like having your ten-year-old take out the garbage. This teaches kids how to be accountable and contribute to a household.
7. Offer Help, but Do Not Take Over
When your child is having a hard time with something, like homework or chores, allow them space to problem-solve before offering help. When you do give help, turn it into a teaching opportunity, rather than doing the work for them.
8. Continue to Be Loving & Supportive
Helicopter parents love their children and want to be supportive, but at times, the way they go about it is unhelpful. As you give your child more space, continue to express your love and support. This is your greatest tool as a parent.
4 Ways to Cope if You Grew Up With a Helicopter Parent
Growing up with a helicopter parent can leave you feeling dependent, and unsure of how to handle difficult life situations. If this is the case, rest assured that it is never too late to learn how to cope with life as an adult.
Here are four ways to cope if you were raised by a helicopter parent:
1. Be Patient With Yourself
If you grew up with a parent who took control, you may feel overwhelmed by certain tasks and responsibilities. Practice patience and remember, it takes time to learn new things.
2. Establish Healthy Boundaries
Setting limits and boundaries with your parents is necessary. Decide what your boundaries are and communicate them respectfully, but firmly.
3. Be Aware of Your Tendency to Be Dependent on Others
Growing up with a helicopter parent may leave you susceptible to depending on others, since this is what you grew accustomed to as a child. Be aware of this pattern and make an effort to practice making your own decisions, facing mistakes and conflict head-on, and taking responsibility for yourself.
4. Don’t Hesitate to Seek Guidance
If you are struggling in any of these areas, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. You can find guidance from a therapist or even in self-help books.
When a Therapist Can Help
Signs that you, as a parent, may be struggling include feeling angry, overwhelmed, or stressed. You may also notice signs in your child, like anger, defiance, depression, and anxiety. If you or your child are experiencing these issues, therapy can help you identify problem areas, understand how your own childhood could be affecting your parenting (maybe you experienced a helicopter parent or another issue like emotional incest), and teach you skills to help improve your relationship.
Individual, group, or family therapy can all be helpful for dealing with parenting and family issues. To find a therapist that specializes in parenting, ask your healthcare provider for a list of referrals or contact your health insurance company. Choosing Therapy’s directory offers a list of therapists, allowing you to narrow down your search by area of specialty, cost, experience, and location
Final Thoughts on Helicopter Parenting
While being responsive to your child is associated with positive outcomes, exerting too much control can be damaging. Helicopter parenting prevents children from learning necessary life skills, like how to handle conflict with others, make decisions, and cope with stress and other negative emotions. If you are struggling, therapy can help you make changes so that you can be the best version of yourself for your children.
For Further Reading
- 15 Best Parenting Books
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Helicopter Parenting Infographics
