Helicopter parents are overly controlling, involved, and possessive. Signs of helicopter parenting often include restricting activities, completing homework for their child, and protecting children from failure. While parents may behave this way out of love, helicopter parenting can negatively impact children and hinder their ability to develop independence and autonomy.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting involves “hovering” over children and trying to monitor and control their every move.1 While this behavior may be appropriate for babies and toddlers, helicopter parents continue this pattern as their children age and enter adulthood. Similarly, they may also have traits of snowplow parents, who remove all obstacles for their children.
Traditionally, the four primary parenting styles include authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved parenting. Like authoritative and permissive families, helicopter parents are highly responsive. However, this responsiveness becomes overbearing, overprotective, and smothering.
As children of helicopter parents become older and more mature, they struggle to manage their behaviors and emotions, which can affect their functioning in school, work, and relationships.3 This parenting style is especially harmful as children enter adulthood, a time usually spent establishing autonomy.4
Helicopter Moms Vs. Helicopter Dads
One study found helicopter parenting was more common among mothers than fathers.10 Females with a helicopter mother reported less autonomy, and males with a helicopter father felt less “close” to their parents. A separate study found that adult children of helicopter parents tend to view helicopter moms and dads differently. Overbearing mothers were seen as negative and intrusive, whereas fathers were positive and protective.11
Signs of Helicopter Parents
Helicopter parents tend to experience parental anxiety and may cope with symptoms by becoming overly engaged with their children.1 Signs of a helicopter parent often revolve around parental involvement in daily activities such as schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and playtime. Unfortunately, this behavior hinders the development of autonomy and emotional regulation as children enter adulthood.3
Below are common signs of helicopter parenting:
- “Hovering” over children rather than encouraging autonomy and healthy separation
- Excessive anxiety about children failing or getting hurt
- Being overly involved in all areas of a child’s life (academics, recreational activities, and friendships)
- Making decisions for children, such as what extracurriculars to join or which college to attend
- Constantly correcting children rather than letting them make mistakes
- Protecting children from experiencing disappointment or failure
- Stepping in when children experience conflict rather than allowing them to resolve their own problems
- Not allowing children to participate in age-appropriate activities
- Taking advantage of every opportunity to be with children, such as volunteering to coach their sports team or be the class parent
- Doing tasks for children (e.g., chores and homework) rather than supporting their independence (even enabling them as adults)
Examples of Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parenting can happen with children of all ages, and hovering over your child can take on many shapes and forms. It is hard for helicopter parents to let go regardless of the age of their children. They may intercede in their children’s lives through adulthood.
Examples of helicopter parenting include:
- Infancy: Helicopter parents are afraid to leave their babies alone. They are constantly anxious and checking on their babies to make sure they are breathing and sleeping and eating properly. They are on a heightened alert day and night fearing something bad will happen to their child.
- Toddlerhood: These parents follow their children everywhere. They also can interfere or direct how they play with other children in an attempt to control conflict and socialization.
- Childhood: Helicopter parents may approach teachers explaining how their child should be taught and asking for special favors or attention to help them in school.
- Adolescence: If an adolescent is not performing well academically, some helicopter parents may even do their homework for them in hopes of elevating their grades.
- Adulthood: Helicopter parents will write out a resume or a graduate school application for their adult children. They could even contact potential employers or enter work environments to advocate on behalf of their adult children.
Common Causes of Helicopter Parenting
Parents often experience anxiety about their children. However, helicopter parents tend to be highly uneasy, even when their children are in safe environments.5 These parents want to protect their children from any harm, failure, and disappointment. They exert control and closely monitor their children’s behavior to appease these anxieties. Helicopter parents may also have a powerful, overbearing desire for their children to succeed.
Possible causes of helicopter parenting include:
- Overcompensating: These parents sometimes overcompensate for experiences they perceive as lacking in their own childhoods. For example, parents who felt emotionally neglected in their childhood may be over involved in their own children’s lives.
- Pressure from society, family, or friends: Friends, cultural influences, social media, and family can feed into a helicopter parent’s anxiety. There is increased pressure from all these sources to be successful. Helicopter parents adhere to messages saying success equates to their invasive actions in their kids’ lives, giving them permission to micromanage their children.
- Anxiety: These parents harbor uncontrollable anxiety. They cannot relax, fearing their child will be harmed in some way or get sick if they are not vigilant and available to protect and observe them as much as possible.
- Fear of the unknown: There is an ongoing fear that something unexpected will happen, like a child will be kidnapped or seriously injured when they are out of sight. They also harbor fears their children will fail academically or in other areas.
- Wanting to help: There is a need to constantly want to help and intervene with their children directing them to approach relationships and tasks in the way they think they should be done. There is little or no consideration for their children and their feelings regarding their parents’ invasive behaviors.
Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parents usually have good intentions, but their methods often yield negative results. For example, helicopter parenting prevents children from learning skills that help them achieve independence and autonomy.5 These adverse effects become particularly apparent as children enter adulthood.
Negative Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Even though helicopter parents mean well their behaviors can cause harm to their children and continue as they move into adulthood. This type of over interference can rob children of the ability to build healthy relationships and socialization skills, make decisions, and solve problems. These children are deprived of learning many life lessons because of their parents’ preemptive moves to intervene to shield them from disappointment, failure, and frustration.
Possible drawbacks of helicopter parenting include:
- Increased anxiety: Their children have higher levels of anxiety because they have been protected their whole life and get anxious when challenged.
- Substance use: Children of helicopter parents have not had the chance to develop problem solving skills or deal with stress. They are more apt to turn to drugs or alcohol as coping mechanisms when stressed or challenged.
- Neuroticism: Neuroticism involves higher levels of fear, anxiety, and panic when placed in social situations. Over involved parents rob children of the opportunity to develop skills to cope in these situations.
- Decrease autonomy: Ongoing parental intervention and control decreases the independence and autonomy of the children of helicopter parents. They are not permitted to exert their individuality.
- Increased depression: Depression is a common mental health problem for children of helicopter parents. The mix of fear of failing and low self-esteem can promote feelings of hopelessness and depression.
- Fear of failure: Fear of failure often can lead to increased anxiety. Because parents make decisions for their children to prevent failure these children are afraid of failure when faced with making choices for themselves. They don’t have the skill set to succeed.
- Low self-esteem: The children of helicopter parents can have low self-esteem. The repeated message from their parents is they can’t trust them to make their own decisions or exert independence. This creates feelings of self-doubt as well.
- Increased narcissism: One problem with having overprotective parents to meet all your needs is that it can create a sense of entitlement and self importance when dealing with others.
- Lack of self-advocacy: There is no reason to advocate for yourself when you know your parents will step in to address any problems that might arise. This is another life skill that may not develop because of these ongoing dynamics.
- Poor coping skills: There is no opportunity to learn from mistakes or deal with challenges because helicopter parents always jump in to solve the problem. This also deprives children of a chance to face consequences when they do something wrong.
- Poor parent-child relationship: Extreme parental involvement and the need to control their children’s lives can create stress and tension between parents and their children. The children can rebel and try to break the parental bonds as a means of gaining autonomy and independence.
Positive Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Most parenting styles offer pros and cons, and helicopter parenting can offer some positive outcomes. Many children view their parents’ over involvement as a form of support and caring.They feel loved. They also want to please their parents in terms of academics and other accomplishments.
Possible benefits of helicopter parenting include:
- Academic success: Having parents entrenched in academic success can promote a desire to succeed in their children. Parents promote learning by offering help and resources, which can enhance academic performance.
- Better physical health: Helicopter parents are very aware of their children’s health, and may catch any health problems early, leading to better outcomes. Also, parents who allow their kids to engage in sports or other physical activities help them build their physical health and self confidence.
- Decreased school drop-out rates: These parents place high value on academic successes and are involved in their children’s schooling. This tends to create higher academic achievement and lower school drop-out rates.
- Career development: These parents emphasize successful academics and other achievements. They tutor or bring in other support to help their children be academically successful, carving a path towards successful career development.
Is Helicopter Parenting Bad?
Like many styles of parenting, the effects of helicopter parenting can be a mix of good and bad outcomes. Helicopter parenting can have a negative impact when parents remain intrusive and controlling as their children age. The cons of helicopter parenting can include lowered self confidence and reduced autonomy and independence. Children can develop an unhealthy dependence on their parents, expecting them to rescue them when anything negative happens. In this process, kids lose the skills needed to make good life choices and decisions.
However, when kids view helicopter parenting as concern and support rather than intrusiveness, they can feel loved by their parents. This is true if they view their parents role as helping and not controlling. Helicopter parents who are invested in their kids’ academic successes may offer the support, guidance, and materials they need to help them meet academic and other achievement goals.
How to Stop Being a Helicopter Parent
It can be challenging for helicopter parents to change their parenting techniques, but there are ways to manage urges to be possessive and overbearing. Start by offering your child choices, teaching them how to handle conflict, and giving them space to develop.
Below are nine tips for unlearning patterns of helicopter parenting:
1. Gradually Give Your Children Space
Hovering over infants and toddlers is necessary, but allowing children space to play independently and with friends is important as they age. The freedom you provide will vary depending on your child’s age and maturity level, but should increase over time.
2. Offer Choices
Instead of controlling what your child does, provide choices. For example, suggest an activity for them to try, such as soccer, dance, or music classes. Helicopter parents love their children and want to be supportive, but how they offer help can be disadvantageous. As you give your child more space, continue to express your love and support. Providing encouragement is your greatest tool as a parent.
3. Help Your Children Make Their Own Decisions
Avoid making decisions for your children. Instead, offer guidance by helping them consider their options and weigh the pros and cons. Make time to problem-solve and brainstorm together when they face conflicts, setbacks, or important choices. Not only does this encourage independence, but also enhances your relationship.
4. Allow Children to Make Mistakes
It is hard for parents to see their child struggle or fail, but everyone needs to make mistakes to learn from them. When mistakes happen, help your child process how they feel and talk about what they could do differently in the future.
5. Teach Them How to Handle Problems
Your instinct may be to step in and fix the problem when your children face challenges. However, it is more helpful to discuss these challenges together and allow your child to handle these on their own. Be supportive and offer insight, but avoid dominating the situation or shielding them from learning opportunities.
6. Assign Chores & Other Age-Appropriate Responsibilities
Give your children an opportunity to learn responsibility by assigning tasks, like having your ten-year-old take out the garbage. This teaches kids how to be accountable and contribute to the household.
7. Offer Help, but Do Not Take Over
When your child is having a hard time with something, like homework or chores, allow them space to problem-solve before offering help. When you do give help, turn it into a teaching opportunity. For example, show your child how to solve a sample math problem before asking them to complete the next question.
8. Encourage Open Communication
Open communication is very important in building relationships, and listening without judging is a critical aspect of communication. Support and create opportunities for your children to share and discuss their emotions and thoughts. Let them know you are available to listen if they have questions, problems, or concerns.
Take these opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings when appropriate. The goal is not to tell them what to do or take over. The goal is to create a two way communication system that goes from parent to child and from child to parent.
9. Know Where to Draw the Line
Resist the temptation to jump in and control your children, especially in situations where they are capable of making independent choices and decisions. If their safety or well being is not at risk, give them ideas about how they can view the situation differently to help them take charge and resolve an issue. Think about the problem they are addressing and if it is something the child can and should handle, take a step back and let them attempt it.
Give yourself permission to allow them to make an attempt and perhaps fail. They will learn and grow from these types of experiences.
How to Deal With Helicopter Parenting as an Adult
Growing up with a helicopter parent can leave you feeling dependent and unsure of how to handle difficult situations. If this is the case, rest assured that it is never too late to learn how to cope with life as an adult.
Below are tips for coping as an adult if you grew up with a helicopter parent:
- Be patient with yourself: You may feel overwhelmed by certain tasks and responsibilities if you were raised by helicopter parents. Practice patience and remember that it takes time to learn new things.
- Establish healthy boundaries: Setting limits and boundaries with your parents is necessary. Decide what your boundaries are and communicate them respectfully, but firmly.
- Be aware of your dependency on others: Growing up with a helicopter parent may leave you feeling dependent on others. Be aware of your patterns and practice making your own decisions, facing mistakes and conflict head-on, and taking responsibility for yourself.
- Don’t hesitate to seek guidance: If you are struggling in any of these areas, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. You can find guidance from a therapist or even in self-help books.
- Consider family therapy: Family therapy can be beneficial when dealing with helicopter parents. This provides a safe space to share your experience with your parents and receive unbiased guidance.
When a Therapist Can Help
Therapy may be helpful if you struggle with feeling angry, overwhelmed, or stressed. You should also consider seeking professional help if your child exhibits similar emotions. Therapy can help you identify problem areas, understand how your childhood may affect your parenting, and teach you skills to help improve your parent-child relationship.
Ask your healthcare provider for a list of referrals or contact your health insurance company to find the right therapist who specializes in parenting or parent coaching if you’re trying to change your parenting style. You can also use an online therapist directory that offers a list of providers and allows you to narrow down your search by specialty, cost, experience, and location.
Final Thoughts
While being responsive to your child is positive, exercising too much control can be harmful. Helicopter parenting prevents children from learning necessary life skills, like how to handle conflict, make decisions, and cope with stress and other negative emotions. If you are struggling, therapy can help you make changes so you can be the best version of yourself for your children.
For Further Reading
Helicopter Parenting Infographics
