How to Break Up With Someone You Live With: 12 Tips From a Therapist

How to Know When It’s Time to Break Up

There are many reasons why people decide to end a relationship. You have the right to end any relationship that does not feel good, but it’s a decision that shouldn’t be made impulsively.

Here are some signs you should break up with someone you live with:

• The person is abusive
• You do not feel comfortable in the relationship
• Your beliefs and morals do not align
• They do not support your career or life goals
• Getting your partner to spend time with you, your family, or friends is difficult
• You don’t feel loved or supported
• You are supporting them financially (and this was not the original deal)
• Their family does not know you exist
• They are unreliable or untrustworthy
• You are forced to hide who you are

Preparing to Break Up With Someone You Live With

Once you have made the decision to break up with someone you live with, it is important to create a plan of how you are going to tell the person. If it’s a toxic relationship or you feel concerned about how your partner will react to the news, decide to have the break up conversion with others close by or on speed dial. If the relationship is abusive, breaking up in a public place might be worth considering.

After you have made the decision of when and where the breakup will take place, it is important to work towards creating a plan for future living arrangements, shared payments or bills, and safety and living arrangements of shared pets or children. Both parties should be part of this decision making, and should work together to create a compromise that works for all.

11 Steps to Breaking Up With Someone You Live With

There is no easy way to end a relationship and it’s hard to know how to break up with someone. Ultimately, remember why you are having this conversation in the first place, and that it is going to benefit both of you in the long run. Expect discomfort, and allow your partner to have their feelings.

11 steps to breaking up with someone you live with include:

1. Have Pre-Break Up Conversations

Before making the final decision, ask yourself if the relationship can be salvaged through open communication or couples counseling. If you no longer feel safe, loved, or respected, it’s time to move forward with a breakup plan.

Note: Never attempt couples counseling if there’s abuse present—your safety comes first.

2. Deliver the News Lovingly

There’s no perfect way to deliver the news, but approaching the conversation with kindness and compassion can soften the emotional blow. Take a calm, respectful tone, and allow enough time to discuss the reasons behind your decision. Let your partner know you value the time you’ve shared and explain your reasons honestly without being harsh.“Understanding a breakup may lead individuals to find benefits of dissolution such as learning what they can change in future relationships or what qualities they desire in a new partner.”¹

Pro Tip: Express empathy by acknowledging their feelings and offering reassurance that this is a necessary step for both of you.

3. Tell Them the Truth

Telling the truth about why the relationship is ending helps provide closure and prevents future misunderstandings. Whether it’s differences in life goals or emotional disconnect, being honest helps both parties move forward.

Be clear, but compassionate—emphasize that while the relationship may not be working, it’s not necessarily anyone’s “fault.”

4. Give Each Other Space & Time to Process

It is natural, and even healthy, to allow both partners to take space following a breakup. This is a crucial part of the healing process and should be respected. Giving each other space will be more difficult when you live with someone, so care should be taken to ensure that both parties set healthy boundaries and have their space in the shared living environment.

Sometimes couples decide that one of them will move to the guest room, or one will work at a local coffee shop to give the other space at home. Compromises like these are respectful and healthy.

5. Allow Them Their Feelings

Breakups trigger a wide range of emotions, from sadness to anger. Don’t dismiss or try to fix their feelings by saying things like “It’ll be okay” or “Don’t cry.” Instead, allow them to express their emotions of sadness, anger, loss, and break up grief freely, even if it’s uncomfortable for you.

Tip: Practice active listening. Acknowledge their pain without judgment or defensiveness.

6. Give Them Opportunity to Talk

Once you have been given the time to share your thoughts, it’s important that you allow them the same courtesy. Allow them time to share their thoughts. Let them express how they are feeling and if they have any questions to clarify what you shared.  This can be an opportunity to ensure that they understood your intent, and if not, a chance for you to offer clarity. Do your best to not interrupt until appropriate in order to ensure they are also feeling respected and heard.

7. Revisit Logistics at a Later Date

The initial conversation can be emotionally overwhelming for both individuals. It can be helpful to take time to process and think through what was discussed before jumping into problem solving. Once the emotions have settled, plan a time to reconnect to discuss logistics like finances, living situations, and any other relevant aspect to be taken into consideration. It isn’t uncommon for this part of the process to require breaks or being broken up into different times and days.

8. Stick to Your Goal

It is normal for the person being broken up with to try to resolve things or bargain to keep the relationship from ending. Do not allow them to talk to you into reconsidering, as this is unfair to both of you.

9. Use Your Support

Breaking up can be lonely, so don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or family. They can provide emotional support and help you stay grounded during difficult moments.²

Tip: Rely on non-mutual friends to avoid triangulation or making anyone feel stuck in the middle.

10. Be Respectful

Always be respectful in how to talk to and about your ex partner. Bashing them to others is disrespectful and will make you look immature and vindictive. Speak in objective ways such as “yes, we ended the relationship last week,” “I broke up with them, but we are trying to find a safe and fair arrangement for the pets.”

11. Avoid Blaming

Blaming the other person for the breakup will do no good and does not solve anything. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex to mutual friends or on social media. Respecting their dignity, even after the breakup, will help you maintain your integrity and prevent unnecessary conflict.

Example: Instead of venting publicly, confide in a trusted friend privately.

How to Share the Space After a Break Up

Many adults share finances, friends, property, and other things, even without being married.³ Thus, it is common for people to break up while sharing a lease, mortgage, or other financial commitments or assets even without having the legal commitment of a marriage. Sharing the space may be easier if you can be friends with your ex after a break up

Because not everyone has the financial means or resources to end a lease or mortgage in a short time, sharing space after a breakup is often unavoidable, and many couples are left to make these decisions on their own following a split. Following these steps will help you share space with them in a way that is hopefully more manageable.

Tips for temporarily continuing to share a home after break up include:

• Respecting their boundaries and sticking to yours
• Avoid getting pulled back into old relationship patterns
• Decrease expectations of each other
• Be respectful of them
• Allow them time to themself
• Ensure safety of pets, children, and other living beings in the home

How to Break Up When You Have Kids Together

Breaking up with someone you live with is even harder when children are involved.  When parents do not get along during or after a relationship, this affects the children. “Parents who are unable to work together to raise their children either when they are living together and especially when they are not are not able to provide a stable and secure environment for their children. In such environments, children may feel insecure, anxious, and aggressive resulting in more behavior problems.”⁴

Hopefully both parties are on the same page with the goal of doing what is best for the children. There are many ways to co-parent effectively after a breakup, which should be the goal of both parties. Many find that co-parenting counseling can help.

Some tips for breaking up when kids are involved include:

• Decide together what you’ll tell the kids before you talk to them
• Consider living arrangements after the break up
• Engage social supports through mutual and extended family, Godparents, etc
• Seek individual counseling to help you deal with feelings instead of involving or affecting the kids
• Co-parenting with the other parent should be a priority
• Do not speak badly about the other parent to the children
• Be open and honest to the children and allow them to ask questions

Tips for Moving On After a Break Up

After a break up, life can be somewhat unpredictable in rediscovering a life for yourself without that person in it. You may have more time on your hands, may need to nurture other relationships, and may need to adjust to being on your own. Dive into your hobbies and interests and explore who you are outside of the relationship. Take this time to explore new things and pencil in time for self-care.

If your ex is struggling to respect your boundaries then it is always okay to go no-contact with them if that feels right for you. Sometimes distance can help the true healing begin and allow for the grief to run its course. If you’re struggling to let go or to hold effective boundaries, it is never too late to seek therapy after a breakup.

When to Seek Professional Help for a Break Up

There are many times that someone might consider therapy as they go through the stages of grief after a break up. Feeling depressed or hopeless, unable to shake the guilt from breaking up with someone, or feeling unable to sleep or eat are some signs that you may want to speak to a therapist. An online therapist directory is a good place to start your search for in-person or virtual therapy. Alternatively, you could explore one of the many available online therapy options to find the right fit for your needs.