It has become apparent that each person grieves a separation in their own time and way. 1,2 Contrary to popular belief, evidence suggests there are no specific stages of grief after a breakup but rather an ever-changing list of emotional processes that may present in random order.1,2,3,4 Trust your body and mind to know when and how you need to grieve (or not) following a breakup.
What is Breakup Grief?
Breakup grief and loss can surface following the end of a romantic relationship. It will be unique to each person. The grief you experience following a breakup, separation, or divorce will tend to be more intense concerning your perception of closeness/intimacy with your partner. Other factors, such as how long the relationship lasted and if family or friends stigmatized your relationship (e.g., based on culture, race, or sexual orientation), might exacerbate the grief you feel.5,6
It is important to note that breakups do not cause a grief response in everyone. Some people might experience relief, decreased anxiety, and increased feelings of freedom – instead of grief – following a breakup.8 Alternatively, it is not unusual for some people to experience a more complicated reaction that includes mixed feelings of relief and grief about the breakup. If you experience grief following a breakup, your symptoms might include emotional, physical, and cognitive reactions.
Emotional grief reactions include:1,8,9,10,11,12
- Symptoms of anxiety or depression
- Feelings of rejection, betrayal, anger, jealousy, and guilt
- Decreased self-esteem
- Mood swings
Physical grief reactions include:1,8,9,10,11,12
- Feeling numb or empty
- Trembling
- Nausea
- Breathing difficulties
- Insomnia
- Loss of appetite
- Weight loss
- Broken Heart Syndrome (i.e, compromised immune response and heart/chest pain)
Grief can also affect people’s thought processes, such as:1,8,9,10,11,
- Intrusive negative thoughts
- Forgetfulness
- Obsessive thoughts
- Poor academic/work performance
Are There Grief Stages of a Breakup?
Despite the numerous websites and books that suggest the existence of 5 stages of grief (or even 7 stages) – the most well-known being: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance,13 research has demonstrated that there are, in fact, no set “stages” of grief that one will move through following a breakup. Misleading information about grief can lead to harm, cause unnecessary distress, and possibly even a lack of support from others if your experience differs from these proposed stages.3,4,14
This distress is common as some may experience these grief “stages” intermittently or reoccur even after moving past acceptance. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is credited for initially proposing 5 stages of grief-related, specifically to people diagnosed with a terminal illness.15 While her work has been credited with bringing the experiences of those dying to the fore, the idea that people must move through 5 specific grief stages following any loss is no longer widely accepted. 3,4,13,14,16
Reactions, Not “Stages,” of Grief After a Breakup
The possible grief reactions described here are similar to those commonly thought of as part of the 5 stages of grief.15 They are, however, just “possibilities” of grief reactions – and are not a required part of grieving following a breakup.13 These reactions can occur in any order and might recur at different points in time or possibly never at all.
Common grief reactions to breakup include the following:
Denial
If you were not the initiator of the breakup and didn’t see it coming, your initial reaction to the ending of your relationship might be one of surprise, shock, and even disbelief.
Anger
The anger stage of grief might also be a part of your reaction, particularly if the breakup is connected to a sense of betrayal trauma or an experience of violating personal boundaries by your ex-partner (e.g., abusive or disrespectful behavior, lying to you, or about you).
Bargaining
If you don’t want the breakup, you might try to convince your partner to stay in the relationship.- offering to change or trying to “bargain” with your partner regarding conditions that might encourage them to rethink ending the relationship. Some might try to bargain with a higher power to intervene and undo the breakup.
Depression
Symptoms of depression can occur following a breakup. Whether or not you initiated the breakup, you might feel sadness as you miss parts of the person and the relationship you value most. You might also experience other emotions (e.g., hurt, guilt, shame) and physical symptoms of grief (e.g., insomnia, loss of appetite, concentration difficulties) commonly associated with depression.1,8,9,10,11,12
Acceptance
At some point after the breakup, if it becomes clear that you and your ex-partner are not reconciling, you might come to a place of acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy with what happened. Instead, it means you can realistically see that the relationship is over and accept that you need to move on with your life without your ex-partner.
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Possible Grieving Tasks Following a Breakup
While everyone grieves uniquely, and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, some people will find themselves going through one or more common grieving tasks, in no particular order, following a breakup.17 (And if you don’t experience any of these, that is fine too.)
Four tasks someone may need to work through to grieve their breakup in a healthy way include:
1. Accepting the Loss of Your Relationship
Coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is genuinely over can be difficult. It means letting go of the hope that you will work things out with your partner and that the relationship will continue. Grief often involves letting go of this hope and what this loss means for your future.
2. Allow Yourself to Experience the Pain of the Loss
It has been suggested that intuitive grievers need to let go of their intense emotions following a breakup through forms of self-expression. In contrast, instrumental grievers are more likely to keep their feelings to themselves and focus on concrete activities (e.g., problem-solving, analyzing, and organizing).18 Alternatively, you might find that your grief is a combination of both of these. Trust yourself to grieve the way you need to.
3. Adjust to Life Without Your Partner
Adjusting to life without your ex-partner can be challenging, especially if they were a significant part of your daily life. This loss might leave a large hole in your life – not only physically with the loss of their presence, but possibly emotionally, socially, financially, and in your hopes and dreams for a future together.
4. Coming to Terms With a New Bond With Your Ex-Partner
Adjusting to the changes in the bond you had with your partner might take time following a breakup. For some, the bond will be broken entirely, and there will be no further contact, becoming part of your history. For others, it might continue differently due to ongoing connections (e.g., children, workplace, friends, etc.), with continuous reminders of what was.
What is the Hardest Period of Breakup Grief?
The most challenging time following a break is difficult to predict as it will be different for everyone. For some, it might be the day of the breakup, moving out, or when their ex-partner starts dating someone else. For those for whom the separation was a relief, the most challenging time(s) might have occurred before the breakup as a form of anticipatory grief.
How Long Does Breakup Grief Last?
Generally, the most debilitating aspects of grief will begin to subside within six months.19 However, there is no specific timeline regarding how long breakup grief will last, as other mental health disorders could turn into complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. If you continue having difficulty functioning in one or more areas of your life after six months following the breakup, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist who can better help you get over someone you love.
How Therapy Can Help with Breakup Grief
Some people will choose to seek out a therapist for support immediately after the breakup, while others might prefer to deal with the breakup on their own. If, after six months, you do not see improvement in grief symptoms, talking to a therapist is recommended – preferably one who has some expertise in working in grief therapy and relationships. Finding a therapist should be easy, with tons of therapists familiar with your struggle who can all be found in an online therapist directory.
Therapy can help with breakup grief by providing a safe and caring space to:
- Explore, untangle, express, and validate your reactions to the breakup
- Identify and mobilize healthy coping mechanisms and social supports
- Reflect upon what the relationship taught you about yourself, what you want/do not want in a future relationship and partner
- Identify red flags in a relationship, and learn how to build trust in a healthy relationship.
Therapy Options for Breakup Grief
Some therapy options for breakup grief include:
Individual Psychotherapy
This refers to one-on-one psychotherapy with a counselor to talk about the breakup and how it impacts you positively or negatively. It can help you better understand yourself and the relationship that has ended, reassure you that your grief reactions are expected, and assist you with coping and moving forward.
Grief Counseling
Grief counseling is therapy with a counselor specializing in grief, where the focus is supporting you through your breakup and the loss you have experienced. This therapy can be helpful if you haven’t noticed an improvement in your grief reactions or difficulties functioning in one or more areas of your life. You might be suffering from complicated grief if these symptoms continue after six months or more following the breakup.19
Group Therapy
Group therapy will involve a therapist and usually as many as 8-10 individuals who have also experienced a breakup. While the therapist facilitates the session, group members have the opportunity to be supported by and learn from each other.
Online therapy
Therapists can also offer individual therapy, grief counseling, or group therapy effectively through online therapy over a secure video platform. This format allows for more flexibility since you can access it from home or another private location. Online therapy can be more time-efficient since there is no travel time, and a bonus is that it opens up the number of therapists available to work with you since it opens you up to any practicing therapist licensed in your state.
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself experiencing grief following a breakup, trust your mind and body to know how you need to grieve. Each person grieves in their own time and way – there are no specific stages you need to follow. If, however, after 6 months, you are still finding it difficult to function in one or more areas of your life due to your grief, therapy can help.
Stages of Breakup Grief Infographics
