Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse where someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tries to manipulate, control, or dominate another person. Often subtle at first, narcissistic abuse can make you doubt yourself, feel unworthy, or question your reality, leaving you emotionally drained and dependent on the other person. This type of abuse can occur in romantic relationships, with family members, or even in friendships or workplaces.

Narcissistic abusers typically use tactics like gaslighting, where they make you question your own memories and feelings, or love bombing, showering you with affection to keep you hooked. Over time, they may shift to criticism, control, and withholding affection, causing confusion and emotional pain. It’s common for those experiencing narcissistic abuse to feel stuck, as they’re drawn in by occasional warmth or affection, even when most of the relationship is hurtful.^1,2,3,4

Examples of Narcissistic Abuse

• Gaslighting and psychological manipulation: One of the most frequent tactics, gaslighting makes victims doubt their reality, memory, or perception, making them more reliant on the abuser for “truth.”
• Isolation and alienation from support systems: Narcissistic abusers often work to cut their victims off from friends and family to increase dependency.
• Degradation, verbal abuse, and belittling: Constant criticism, insults, or mocking erode self-esteem, making the victim more susceptible to manipulation.
• Stonewalling and silent treatment: Abusers often withdraw affection, stonewall the victim, or go silent as a form of punishment, creating anxiety and fear of abandonment.
• Shifting blame and playing the victim: Narcissists frequently flip the narrative to make themselves appear as the victim, causing the real victim to feel guilt or shame for confronting issues.
• Mood swings and “love bombing” cycles: This cycle of extreme affection followed by coldness or anger is used to create confusion and an unhealthy attachment, making it harder for the victim to leave.
• Control over daily life and personal choices: Narcissists often control who the victim spends time with, how they spend their time, or even how they dress, creating a controlling and jealous environment.
• Financial control or exploitation: Financial abuse is powerful as it leaves the victim dependent on the abuser by controlling or limiting access to money.
• Repeated infidelity and blaming the victim: Narcissists may engage in multiple affairs and blame the victim, damaging their self-worth and creating a sense of powerlessness.
• Withholding affection or validation: The narcissist only gives positive reinforcement or affection occasionally, making the victim constantly seek approval.
• Undermining accomplishments or goals: They may downplay the victim’s successes or subtly sabotage them to keep the victim feeling dependent and insecure.
• Triangulation: Triangulation involves bringing in a third person to create jealousy or insecurity, making the victim feel they must compete for the abuser’s attention.
• Physical or sexual abuse, or threats of violence: While physical violence is more severe, it’s less common in narcissistic abuse compared to emotional or psychological tactics but can escalate in certain cases.

10 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Each person’s journey to recovery from narcissistic abuse is unique, yet many survivors report experiencing similar patterns along the way. These shared experiences often unfold in ten distinct stages, each marking a key part of the healing process.^3,4,5

Here are ten common stages of healing after narcissistic abuse:

1. Denial: Initial Feeling That Something Is “Off”

Denial is often the first stage people experience when dealing with narcissistic abuse. In the beginning, it’s common not to recognize abusive behaviors for what they are. Instead, there’s usually a nagging feeling that something is “off” in the relationship—an unease or discomfort, especially after conflicts, that’s hard to pinpoint.⁶

At this stage, people may pick up on signs of mistreatment or manipulation, but they’re likely to brush these off as isolated incidents. “Narcissists often do things to keep control in their relationships,” says Dr. Virgil Zeigler-Hill. “They might insult their partners during arguments or use tactics like intimidation or manipulation to stay in a position of power.” While behaviors like these may sometimes spark moments of clarity, denial is powerful and keeps people from seeing the full picture.

In denial, it’s common to make excuses for the narcissist’s actions—maybe it was just a bad day, or they’re under a lot of stress. Victims often cling to memories of when the person was loving or kind, downplaying the abuse. Denial is a natural, often protective response to the early realization of abuse, and recognizing it is the first step toward breaking free and starting the healing process.^3,5,6

2. Shock & Confusion: Suspicions of Abuse Begin to Surface

At some point, the abuse can get so intense that denial becomes almost impossible. This is when the first real suspicions begin to creep in—the realization that they may be dealing with a narcissist or that they might actually be a victim of abuse. This can be a hard truth to accept, and it often brings a mix of shock, confusion, and even inner conflict.^3,4,5

This internal struggle, often called “cognitive dissonance,” is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing deep down that something is wrong but not quite ready to fully accept it. It’s common to go back and forth, sometimes blaming the narcissist, and other times, doubting or blaming oneself. This period of shock and confusion can last a while, but it usually marks a turning point. Once they’re ready to acknowledge what’s happening, it opens the door to the next stage of healing.⁴

3. Identification: Recognizing & Naming the Narcissistic Abuse

Eventually, the inner back-and-forth reaches a breaking point, settling into the difficult but clear realization that this person is a narcissistic abuser. This insight might come after some research on narcissism or after confiding in someone about the abuse. Acknowledging and naming the abuse is a major turning point because it makes it nearly impossible to fall back into denial.⁵

Even with this clarity, many people still hold on to the hope that the narcissist can change or recover and may try to “save” the relationship by suggesting counseling or encouraging the narcissist to seek help. Unfortunately, these efforts rarely lead to lasting change, and more often, they bring the person to a point where the only real option left is to begin separating and moving on.

4. Separation: Distance & Separation From the Abuser

At some point, victims of narcissistic abuse realize that the person in their life is either unwilling or unable to change and that leaving is the only way forward. This might start as a “trial separation,” a “break,” or simply “taking some space” by limiting contact. However, this often triggers a cycle where the narcissist alternates between love bombing—showering the person with affection and promises to change—and explosive rage or emotional outbursts when their control is threatened. The narcissist may swing from being overly charming and apologetic to hostile, making the person feel guilty, anxious, or fearful of leaving.^1,6

Over time, it becomes clear that a complete break is necessary. Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially in cases where there are close ties, shared assets, children, or other deep connections. In these situations, the narcissist might respond with anger, cruelty, or even vengeful actions, sometimes using legal or financial measures to try to maintain control or seek revenge.⁴

5. Complicated Grief: Emotional Turmoil Including Anger, Guilt, & Sadness

After separating from a narcissist, it’s common to experience complicated grief or even complex PTSD.⁵ Unlike the typical grieving process, this kind of grief is tangled with emotions like anger, guilt, longing, and sadness, all rolled together. These conflicting feelings can make it really hard to let go, accept that the relationship is over, and find any real sense of closure.

This emotional turmoil can be even more intense if there are lingering fears about how the narcissist might retaliate or interfere. While the best outcome might be if the narcissist “discards” the person entirely, it can leave a feeling of emptiness or lack of closure. With a narcissist’s limited emotional and social maturity, it’s almost impossible to have a clean, healthy separation, which makes moving on feel even more complicated.⁶

6. Education: Finding Information & Support to Understand the Abuse

For many people who recently cut ties or ended a relationship with an abusive narcissist, education is a key part of their recovery process. Learning more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse from self-help books, support groups, or articles online can help them make sense of their experiences.^3,5

For many people, research connects them to other survivors who have had similar experiences with narcissistic abuse. This can be very validating and can help people in recovery find support while also helping them understand and make sense of the abuse.^3,4,5 This process can empower abuse survivors, while also helping them find closure and move towards the next stage of healing.

7. Recovery: Self-Care & Healing the Wounds of Narcissistic Abuse

In the recovery stage, the focus shifts to reconnecting with a sense of identity and beginning to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Self-care, supportive relationships, and engaging in activities that bring peace or joy become essential tools for rebuilding. This phase is often about learning to prioritize personal feelings, wants, and needs—sometimes for the first time in years.^3,4,5

For those not yet in therapy, this can be a great time to consider it, as therapy provides guidance and support for the journey of self-recovery. This stage is all about rebuilding self-worth, rediscovering self-compassion, and nurturing a renewed sense of independence and identity. Many find help through local therapist directories or online therapy platforms.

8. Restoration: Reclaiming Independence & Rebuilding Their Life

Narcissists often guilt and pressure others into prioritizing their needs, leaving little room for anyone else. Many people in these relationships end up devoting most of their time and energy to caring for the narcissist, sometimes losing touch with their own goals and desires. This is why the stage of reclaiming independence is so important in recovery—it’s all about rebuilding life based on personal values, wants, and dreams.^1,2,4

For many, this process might mean going back to school, changing careers, or finally exploring hobbies and passions that were put on hold. Rebuilding a supportive network of people who value healthy, two-way relationships is often part of this stage, too. This step helps people create a meaningful, fulfilling life beyond the abuse, one that feels hopeful and centered around genuine well-being.^3,5

9. Meaning-making: Finding Meaning In the Abuse & Getting Closure

At this stage, most feel they’ve healed enough that the grief and emotional weight no longer linger in daily life. For some, getting to this point feels like closure; for others, it’s natural to go one step further, finding meaning from the painful experience. This isn’t about feeling grateful for the abuse but rather about recognizing how the trauma led to personal growth—whether it’s greater resilience, healthier boundaries, or a newfound sense of self-love.^3,4,5

10. Paying It Forward: Finding Ways to Give Back or Help Others

The final step in healing often involves finding ways to pay it forward and sharing lessons learned to help others. Some go on to start blogs, lead support groups, or create resources that advocate for and empower those affected by narcissistic abuse. Others find more personal ways to make an impact, like teaching children about healthy boundaries, supporting friends in difficult relationships, or simply sharing their experiences with those who need encouragement. Finding ways to help others offers a unique sense of closure and turns a painful past into a path toward positive change.³

Free Worksheets for Coping With a Narcissist

This collection of worksheets is designed to help you identify and navigate narcissistic behavior, recognize gaslighting tactics, set healthy boundaries, and reinforce your personal strengths to protect your emotional well-being. Find the one you need, or download the entire worksheet collection here.

Complete Workbook Download

Identifying Narcissistic Traits Download

Identifying Gaslighting Tactics Download

Setting Healthy Boundaries Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Download

How Therapy Can Help With Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Many survivors find that it takes a year or even several years to feel like themselves again, as the effects of narcissistic abuse often go deep. Therapy plays a central role for many in this journey, offering a safe space to unpack what happened, rebuild self-worth, and develop healthier patterns for the future. Additionally, survivors of narcissistic abuse often suffer from anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD. These issues can all be treated in therapy. For many, working with a therapist becomes a key part of reconnecting with themselves and regaining a sense of independence.^3,4

Benefits of Therapy

• Understanding narcissistic traits, tendencies, and the tactics used against them
• Identifying the specific wounds left by the abuse (i.e., low self-esteem, trust issues)
• Working through conflicting thoughts and feelings they have toward their abuser
• Resolving feelings of guilt and shame that resulted from narcissistic abuse
• Finding healthy coping skills, outlets, and supports to aid the healing process
• Identifying warning signs, red flags, and boundaries to form healthier relationships
• Resolving self-worth issues and rebuilding trust and confidence in themselves
• Identifying core values and long-term goals to rebuild their lives

How to Find Professional Support

Finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), abusive relationships, or trauma recovery can be transformative for those healing from narcissistic abuse. A good starting point is a local therapist directory, that allows users to filter by specialty, insurance network, session type (online or in-person), and preferred therapeutic approaches. Alternatively, there are many online therapy services that offer access to licensed therapists specializing in abuse recovery. They often provide the flexibility of video, phone, or chat sessions, which can be helpful for those needing a convenient and accessible option.