Talking to your children about Santa Claus can be challenging. Children may feel shock, anger, and sadness, and parents play a vital role in helping them process and accept this news. Many children can work through their feelings, but others may have a harder time. If your child is struggling, therapy or parent coaching can help.
When to Tell Kids About Santa
Many parents dread the day when their child begins to question whether Santa is real, worrying that they will do or say the wrong thing and cause their child emotional pain. While there is no perfect age to have this conversation, it is generally best to wait for your child to ask you first.
Often, parents start noticing their children becoming skeptical around eight years old, but this can vary. If your child has not brought up the topic at all by the time they enter middle school, it might be time for you to initiate the conversation. At this point most of their peers will know the truth about Santa, so allowing them to continue to believe may impact them socially.
How to Tell Your Kids the Truth About Santa
The way you approach telling your children should depend on their age, maturity level, and personality. If you anticipate that your child may be sensitive to this news, you should take extra caution in telling them. Keep in mind that learning the truth about Santa is big news for young children. They may experience strong emotional reactions and may take days or weeks to come to terms with it.
Learning the truth about Santa is often hard for children, but approaching the conversation with these 15 tips in mind can help:
1. Take your child’s lead.
While there is no “right” time to talk with your child about Santa, experts agree that letting your child take the lead is usually best. Your child may be showing signs that they are ready for this conversation when they start questioning Santa’s magic.
2. Find a calm time and place to talk.
Be sure to talk with your child when they are calm and you have a quiet, safe place to talk. Avoid having the conversation in public or when your child is already upset. Remember that learning about Santa can be hard, so trying to catch your child when they are well-rested, fed, and in a good mood is optimal.
3. Be honest.
After approaching your child at a good time, let them know that there is something that you’d like to talk to them about. You can explain that you have noticed them asking about Santa lately and you wanted to be honest with them. You might also explain why you withheld this information for several years so that they better understand your intentions. Your reasoning will depend on your own family traditions, religious or spiritual beliefs, and values. Some parents choose to share the story of St. Nicholas, an old bishop from the fourth century who gave to the poor.
4. Validate their feelings.
Your child will likely react with shock when you tell them the news. Empathize with their feelings by acknowledging their emotions. You might say “I know this can be very hard for you to hear. It is okay if you’re feeling upset right now.” Avoid statements like “don’t cry” or “don’t be sad,” which are dismissive.
5. Allow them to process their grief.
Learning the truth about Santa can be experienced as a loss by children. They are coming to terms with the fact that a character that they believed to be true is not who they thought it was. This can bring up grief reactions like sadness, anger, and bargaining. In order to get to the final stage of grief — acceptance — children need space to talk about their feelings and what it means to them to learn this news. This can be uncomfortable for parents and there may be a temptation to encourage children to suppress these feelings. Listening, support, and empathy can go a long way in helping children work through these emotions.
6. Encourage them to cope with their feelings in positive ways.
While it’s important to give children a chance to process their feelings, we also want to encourage them to cope with them. Engage your child in discussion of positive activities that they can do to help, such as exercising, having a family game night, or spending time with a friend.
7. Focus on holiday traditions.
Now that your child knows the truth about Santa, they may feel like the holidays have lost their meaning. Remind them that Santa was one aspect of the holidays, but there are many other traditions that will continue, such as decorating the Christmas tree, seeing holiday lights, going to church, or purchasing toys for children in need. Be sure to continue these even after Santa is no longer a part of your holiday traditions.
8. Start new traditions.
This is also a great time to start new holiday traditions with your family. You may consider volunteering at a local soup kitchen, singing holiday carols with friends, or cooking a new food together. Starting a tradition can help your child adjust to a new type of Christmas and understand that the holidays can continue to be special without Santa.
9. Talk about what Christmas means to your family.
As children try to wrap their minds around Christmas now that they know the truth about Santa, it can help to talk about the meaning of Christmas. For some families it may be about giving or practicing gratitude. Other families may have religious beliefs and values around Christmas. Whatever Christmas means to your family, be sure to emphasize this when talking to your children.
10. Encourage them to take on the role of Santa.
Adopting aspects of Santa may help your child cope with the news. You can encourage this by talking about ways that they can give to others, just like the character Santa does. For example, they can earn money doing household chores and use it to purchase presents for family, friends, and other children in need. You can also consider volunteering as a family at a local food bank or gift exchange to give back. This can help children to feel good about themselves as they get to experience the act of giving to others.
11. Celebrate this milestone.
It can be helpful to talk to children about how learning about Santa is a milestone that deserves to be celebrated. Consider taking your child out for a meal or dessert to mark the occasion, or buying them a small gift. Explain that learning about Santa is a part of growing up and a sign of their maturity. This will help reframe the experience from one of loss to one of growth.
12. Encourage older siblings to provide support.
If your child has older siblings, cousins, or friends, you can ask them to talk to your child and offer some support. Talking about Santa with older kids and hearing how they learned the truth can help children process this information. They may also feel like “one of the older kids” now, which can help foster their confidence and cope with their feelings of sadness.
13. Share your personal experience of learning about Santa.
Children may benefit from hearing how you learned about Santa. Consider sharing your own experience and how you dealt with this news. The conversation provides an opportunity for you two to bond over a shared experience, which helps kids to feel less isolated.
14. Discuss how to talk about Santa with other children.
Now that your child knows the truth about Santa, you will want to establish how to handle other children who may still believe. Don’t assume that children will know on their own. Be specific about how they should behave in front of other kids and respond to their questions.
15. Acknowledge and cope with your own emotions.
You will most likely have your own reactions to your child learning the truth about Santa. It may bring up emotions like sadness and grief as you realize that your child is growing up and holiday traditions are evolving. These feelings are all normal and a part of the parenting process. Be sure to take care of yourself during this time and get your own support.
Reactions to Expect
Children may have strong negative reactions to learning the truth about Santa. Often these reactions lessen over time as children process this information. While it can be hard to see your child suffering, remember that this is a normal developmental process and most children eventually cope.
The following are common reactions a child might have after learning Santa isn’t real:
- Shock: Children often initially feel shocked by the truth about Santa. Even kids who have been wondering about Santa may be surprised to hear you confirm their suspicions. You can acknowledge that this reaction is normal and encourage them to share other feelings they may be having.
- Confusion: After children work through their initial shock, they often have other reactions like confusion. They may start to ask you lots of questions, including if the tooth fairy and Easter bunny are also real. It’s best to be completely honest with them at this point.
- Sadness: Children are usually sad to learn that Santa is not real. Try to empathize with this feeling and encourage them to elaborate on what about it makes them feel this way.
- Anger: Some children may feel angry with you. They may interpret their belief in Santa as a lie. These children may benefit from an explanation of why you encouraged their belief in Santa over the years. You might share how you wanted them to enjoy the spirit of Christmas and all of the joy that comes with it.
- Skepticism: It’s understandable for children to be skeptical of you shortly after your talk. They may wonder if you are holding back other information from them. Be honest, provide reassurance, and give it time to re-establish trust.
- Anxiety: If children respond with anxiety or excessive worry, try to understand what is causing them to feel anxious. For example, they may worry that you are holding back other things from them. Then empathize with their feelings and provide reassurance.
Strong emotional reactions at first are not cause for concern. However, if children continue to struggle emotionally, then you may want to consider enlisting more support.
How to Handle This Conversation as a Parent
Talking to your child about Santa can be incredibly difficult for you and them. Some kids take the news well and adapt easily, while others may have a more difficult time. If you find yourself struggling with this conversation, therapy may provide you with the tools to better communicate this information to your child and help them process and accept it. You can find a therapist that specializes in parenting or family therapy on a therapist directory
Signs that your child is having difficulty accepting this information include changes in their mood, behavior, and eating and sleeping patterns. If your child seems more sad or worried than usual, they may be dealing with depression, anxiety, or an adjustment disorder.1 If this is the case, you may choose to speak to their pediatrician first, or look for a therapist right away. There are several different types of therapy that can be effective with children, including play therapy, parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).2,3,4
Parent coaching can also help parents acquire skills that may be needed when approaching difficult topics like Santa.5 This approach is directive, with the coach providing explicit information and guidance on how to talk to children effectively and respond to their reactions. Depending on your child, getting extra support in the form of therapy or parent coaching may be helpful in navigating this difficult developmental milestone.
Final Thoughts
Telling your kids the truth about Santa can be hard on both you and them. However, there are ways to help keep the Christmas spirit alive even as your family adjusts to this new concept of Christmas.
