If you’re feeling jealous in your relationship, it’s not necessarily time to break up. Mild jealousy is a natural human emotion that can be healthy, as long as it’s addressed thoughtfully. A strong relationship has a foundation of love, mutual respect, trust, and communication; however, when one person feels threatened or worries about losing their partner, these emotions can transform into fear, insecurity, and jealousy.
Where Does Jealousy Come From?
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. When dealt with properly, it can even be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship; however, ongoing jealousy in a relationship can indicate anxiety or self-esteem issues (e.g., if you haven’t worked through childhood issues or past infidelity, it may manifest in how you engage in your present relationship). Research also suggests that jealousy grows when you face a threat to your self-esteem.
15 Tips to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship
Whether you, your partner, or both of you are experiencing jealous feelings, there are many ways to manage jealousy in a relationship. It’s always best to be honest, open, and vulnerable with each other. Also, be willing to explore some of your own unspoken needs and cultivate a stronger sense of self-confidence.
Here are 15 tips to deal with jealousy in a relationship:
1. Acknowledge & Openly Talk About Jealousy
If you’ve noticed jealous feelings, it might be time to have a candid conversation with your partner. Communication is key! In many instances, jealousy is an internal battle, so do some introspection. Then, share what you discover with your partner. Be truthful about how you feel and what makes you uncomfortable, creating boundaries for yourself and the relationship.
A partner who is willing to honestly talk about their feelings is demonstrating healthy jealousy. For example, saying, “I felt jealous when the man at the party was talking to you. I felt like he was flirting, and it made me feel uncomfortable,” is a healthy expression of jealousy. How you decide to respond to your own jealousy will make or break the relationship.
2. Recognize That Jealousy Is Usually a Sign of Insecurity
“Jealousy is something we all feel at one point or another. In our personal lives, feeling threatened by someone else is fairly common. However, jealousy can turn into a destructive force if we’re not careful. Recognizing that jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity can help us be more mindful of how we’re feeling and interacting with others. Perhaps if we catch ourselves feeling jealous, we can take a step back and reassess the situation. Is there something we’re afraid of? Are we feeling threatened? Taking the time to identify our feelings can help us to address them head-on rather than letting them fester. And when we’re able to do that, we can improve our relationships – with ourselves and with others.” – Lanae St.John, DHS, CSC, ACS, Founder of The MamaSutra
3. Work on Managing Your Emotions
“Emotions can be information without being directives. That means you can experience jealousy, acknowledge that it is uncomfortable, and ask for appropriate support, without immediately behaving in a knee-jerk way or being accusatory. In relationships, we can ask our partner(s) for support, but we can’t expect them to manage our emotions for us (nor should we want them to!). Learn how to recognize what you’re feeling, acknowledge it, experience it, and tolerate it, as part of your own inner work.” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC
4. Keep a Relationship Journal
A journal is a safe place for you to vent and describe how your jealousy feels, both emotionally and physically. Your journal is not going to judge you for how you feel, so this is an opportunity for you to go beneath the surface and explore insecurities and frustrations.
When journaling, reflect on your relationship with these key questions:
- Is your partner really the right person for you?
- Did they do something specific to trigger the jealousy?
- Are you bringing your past into this new relationship?
- Are you self-sabotaging?
5. Before Pointing Fingers, First Look Inward
“We all have different experiences in life that shape our expectations for relationships. Different types of past experiences in family, friend and romantic relationships may lead us to be distrustful, insecure or dependent in the present. Hurling accusations at your partner can make them feel defensive, or even insecure themselves. When you notice those feelings of jealousy surface, it’s most helpful to take a moment to pause and reflect on what in your past is being triggered to make you assume the worst of your partner. From there, you can use I-statements to explain how you are feeling and why, without jumping to conclusions or assigning blame. This vulnerability can actually provide an opportunity for you and your partner to grow closer as you learn more about each other’s needs.” – Victoria Murray, LCSW
6. Explore Underlying Issues
Before you talk to your partner, identify where your feelings are coming from. Take responsibility for behavior and make a commitment to address your insecurities.
One method to explore low self-esteem focuses on identifying personal values such as communication, compassion, or honesty. This helps you pinpoint your positive traits and review what’s important to you in the relationship. This might help decrease distressing feelings of jealousy and overthinking in the relationship.
7. Remember That Experiencing Jealousy Doesn’t Always Mean That Your Partner Is Doing Something Wrong
“If jealousy is showing up for you, you might believe that this is an alarm bell signaling that something is wrong. Have you ever heard someone say “I went through his phone because I just KNEW he was cheating.” Of course, sometimes the feeling and other people’s actions line up – and there are plenty of people who have trusted their gut and learned that boundaries were being crossed in their relationships. But the feeling of jealousy, on its own, does not perfectly detect cheating or other disrespectful behavior. It might mean that you’re scared of something happening, even if it’s not actually happening. You can use this as information without acting on it right away!” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC
8. Identify Your Unspoken & Unmet Needs
This can be tricky because you will have to practice vulnerability. When jealousy involves a third person, you should do a self-assessment to help you filter through the web of emotions. You don’t want to act on assumptions or find yourself bringing up past issues or experiences and projecting them onto your current relationship.
The self-assessment can be as simple as asking yourself these questions:
- What is the emotion telling me?
- Where do I feel unseen in this relationship?
- What am I no longer getting from this relationship that I feel this other person is getting instead?
- What do I believe I’m losing?
Taking time to introspect and answer these questions can bring unmet needs to light. Once you have gained this new perspective, you can decide how you would like to move forward in response to your feelings.
9. Voice Your Concerns
If your partner’s actions (or someone else’s actions towards your partner) provoke jealous feelings, don’t hesitate to bring this up with your partner as soon as possible. They might not have been aware of the behavior, or they might not have realized how you felt. Use the opportunity to discuss or revisit any relationship boundaries.
If you trust your partner but have doubts because of past relationship experiences, try finding ways that both of you can improve the situation. Remember, your partner is choosing to be with you. So, for example, if there is a specific person in your partner’s life that you feel jealous of, consider muting their Instagram, so you have fewer chances to compare yourself to them.
10. Hold Back On Making Rash Decisions
Amidst temporary heightened emotions, the choices you make can have long-lasting negative consequences. Jealousy that gets out of control can present itself in the form of anger, which can lead to the relationship crumbling. It’s strongly suggested that you take a few minutes and self-soothe when you feel emotionally charged by jealousy.
11. Start Appreciating Yourself More
“Low self-esteem and insecurity are two of the most common reasons why you feel jealous. There’s this scary feeling of not being good enough for your partner. Some people tend to feel jealous because they feel like they are living in the shadow of their partner’s ex. These reasons will naturally make you feel like there’s a threat to the relationship and your self-esteem.
A good method to do is to try making a list of all the things you love about yourself and the traits your partner loves about you. You can even let your partner help you out with this list. Another thing you can do, especially if you keep comparing yourself to others, is to go through your social media, such as Instagram, and unfollow users who make you feel insecure. This can help give you space from feelings of inferiority and eventually develop your self-esteem.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers
12. Build Healthy Coping Skills
Coping with triggered jealousy won’t help you work though the underlying issues, but consciously turning your attention away from it can help keep you from acting on your feelings in a harmful way.
A few helpful coping exercises include:
- Deep breathing exercise
- Progressive muscle relaxation
- A mindfulness activity
13. Heal Your Past Wounds
“Another reason why you may feel jealous is having a lack of trust because of past relationships. Trust issues often stem from negative or traumatic past experiences, such as infidelity in past romantic relationships. However, lacking trust in your partner may lead you to the possibility of controlling them. Having a bit of control is normal, but trying to control your partner for things that are out of your control is problematic and damaging to the relationship.
Learning to heal your wounds is the first step to overcoming these trust issues and overall personal growth. This can help you trust your partner a lot more and keep you from trying to take control of every aspect of the relationship. Every time you feel jealous, remember that the person you’re with is not your ex-partner. Trust and let go of control.” – Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, Vice President of Marketing at Divorce Answers
14. Talk to a Therapist
If you’re struggling to manage jealous thoughts/feelings on your own, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist. Talking about jealousy isn’t always easy, and initially you might feel even more uncomfortable, but an effective therapist knows that jealousy is normal and will respond to you with empathy and compassion.
Here are signs that you may want to talk to a therapist:
- Jealousy leads to obsessive or fixated thoughts
- Jealous thoughts become intrusive or unmanageable
- Violent thoughts or urges
- Problematic behaviors, such as following your partner, spying on them, or checking up on them consistently on social media
- Jealousy negatively impacts your day-to-day life and prevents you from focusing on work, activities, etc.
15. Seek Couples Therapy
Jealousy crops up in different ways, but it’s mainly caused by a lack of communication. Couples therapy sessions can help you understand that your jealousy is either irrational or due to a misunderstanding. A couples therapist can teach you to be empathetic and understand why your partner is acting in a particular way vs. automatically jumping to the conclusion that they’re attracted to someone else.
A couples therapist might also use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to teach you and your partner to identify negative, intrusive thoughts, fact check the validity of those thoughts, and replace them with more realistic, supportive thoughts. For example, “He is going to leave me for his coworker,” would be replaced with, “He is cordial and professional with all of his coworkers because they work together.” Working together can bring partners closer when feelings of jealousy aren’t condemned or shamed.
How to Deal With a Jealous Partner
Being in a relationship with a jealous partner shouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. Some people have trust issues that stem from past relationships or breakups, and many times it is possible for couples to work through these problems with open communication, healthy boundaries, and patience.
Here are five tips for how to deal with a jealous partner:
- Talk about their fears and anxieties: sit down and ask them exactly what’s going on. Since jealousy is an indicator that a person feels threatened or scared, it’s important that you listen with empathy and compassion, without telling them these feelings are wrong (especially if you know your partner has anxiety)
- Don’t get defensive about your own behavior: this will probably be tricky, but try to evaluate the situation and respond to your partner calmly. Reassure them that you want to work on the situation with them. If, however, you are considering ending the relationship, this might be the time to be open about that, too.
- Show extra affection: demonstrate extra love during this sensitive time by giving your partner more physical affection. Even though their jealous behavior might seem irrational to you, it’s important to be supportive.
- Create healthy boundaries: setting appropriate boundaries is a positive investment in your relationship. Mild jealousy from a partner can be a healthy thing, however, if it becomes excessive or abusive (always seek help if you are being abused), then it’s crucial to discuss the behaviors you are willing to work through as well as the ones you have zero tolerance for.
- Be patient and revisit the issue: jealousy is an issue that will take time and effort to fix. At times it will feel time-consuming and emotionally draining, but it is important that you continue to be supportive, work to build trust, and make it clear that you’re committed to working on the problem together.
Is Jealousy Healthy In a Relationship?
Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and emotions need to be released. In a relationship, jealousy might simply be a sign that you need to communicate with your partner about your needs, insecurities, boundaries, and desires. Healthy jealousy that is communicated in an open way results in growth in the relationship. This might look like one partner identifying insecurities and coming up with a plan to deal with them.
Is Jealousy a Sign of Love?
There are two types of jealousy: healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Healthy jealousy stems from seeing a potential threat and needing to guard a partner you love. This is completely normal and part of being human. If however, jealousy is triggered by fear and leads to acting from a place of suspicion, paranoia, or insecurity, then it’s unhealthy and not based in love.
Jealousy & Insecurity
Traits like low self-esteem, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, and emotional dependency have all been linked to jealousy in relationships. It can be a complex emotion stemming from different sources such as abandonment issues, being cheated on in the past, or not feeling good enough/worthy. The best coping mechanism is to explore and heal the root cause.
Jealousy comes up at some point in most relationships, and if it is addressed openly, it can ultimately strengthen your relationship. How you respond to your own jealousy can either make or break the relationship. Take responsibility for your feelings by communicating them to your partner and actively looking into ways of working through them.
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re ready to find a therapist, consider using an online directory to find the perfect match for you. Check with friends, family members, or coworkers. Many may be in therapy themselves and can offer recommendations. Others may know of good therapists in your area or know of resources to connect you with therapists.
Final Thoughts on Jealousy in Relationships
If you’re in a relationship with a jealous partner and feel stuck, working with a professional therapist can help you navigate and overcome the challenges in a supportive and nonjudgmental way. Remember, you’re not alone.
For Further Reading
- Learn how to find a couples counselor
- Not ready for counseling? Take a look at the Lasting App for stronger relationships.
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
Jealousy in Relationships Infographics
