Retroactive Jealousy: What It Is & How to Overcome

What Is Retroactive Jealousy?

Most people have experience with previous partners before their current relationship. Even if you never dated or engaged in sexual intimacy, perhaps there were instances where you had a crush or romantic interest in someone. When a current partner is preoccupied with these aspects of their partner’s past, this is retroactive jealousy.

Retroactive is different from regular jealousy because it is focused on the past, rather than things happening in the present. For example, it is jealousy over a person’s previous relationship, rather than them flirting with a coworker. This often makes things difficult, because it is impossible to change the past.

Characteristics of Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy usually does not have anything to do with the partner’s current actions, such as behaving in a way that warrants suspicion. It is often due to one’s insecurity about themselves or the current relationship. Focusing on the past reinforces the insecurity that they already feel, and can make them feel like they are not good enough for their partner.

Characteristics of retroactive jealousy include:

• Comparing yourself to a partner’s ex: Looking at their ex and comparing yourself to their looks, intellect, financial or social status, etc.
• Searching a partner’s social media: Looking through previous photo albums to see who they were tagged with, or who they hung out with in their past.
• Ruminating over your partner’s past: This is a classic characteristic of retroactive jealousy when someone constantly obsesses about their partner’s past relationships.
• Doubting your partner: Behaviors such as checking their phone, checking up on them, etc represent doubting your partner
• Becoming upset when a partner mentions their ex: If the mere mention of their ex in a generic conversation, such as talking about their child’s other parent, bothers you, this is a common sign of retroactive jealousy.
• Asking a lot of questions about a partner’s past: such as wanting to know everyone who they dated, for how long, and private questions about the relationship.

Types of Retroactive Jealousy

There are different types of retroactive jealousy, ranging from mild to obsessive, depending on the severity of symptoms.

Some types of retroactive jealousy include:

• Mild to moderate retroactive jealousy: This form of retroactive jealousy is common, and is something most of us can probably relate to. This is when you feel a fleeting thought of jealousy when your partner mentions something such as a vacation they took with an ex, or when you first meet their ex in person. This type is usually easy for the person to work through and does not disrupt the relationship.
• Value-questioning retroactive jealousy: This form of retroactive jealousy is when the partner’s past creates a form of jealousy that makes the person question their own morals or values. An example of this is the person who believes in waiting until marriage for sexual contact, but is engaged to someone who has a previous sexual relationship. There is a moral aspect associated with this form of jealousy.
• Severe retroactive jealousy: This type of jealousy is not easy for the person to work through, and often causes strains and frustrations that disrupt the relationship. A common example is the person who is unwilling or unable to have their partner mention an ex or previous relationship at all due to the immense discomfort it brings.
• Retroactive Jealousy OCD: When the thoughts are obsessive, this form of retroactive jealousy can be a symptom of OCD. This form of OD usually follows a cycle, where the person feels anxious and worried about the partner’s past, so they engage in a compulsive behavior such as checking their social media or texts, which gives them a few moments of relief before the cycle starts again.

Causes of Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy comes from being threatened by our partner’s past relationships. However, this feeling of threat can be real or imagined. For some, they worry about their partner repeating behaviors in their past that make them jealous. For others, the retroactive jealousy might come from anxieties based on stories we tell ourselves about our partner’s past, resulting in an unhealthy preoccupation that is not based on reality.

If there is uncertainty about whether the jealousy is justified or not, couples counseling could help.

Some potential causes of retroactive jealousy include:

• You have had unfaithful partners in the past: Having a previous partner who was unfaithful can cause you to be worried that it will happen again.
• Your partner is very secretive: When partners are secretive, it can create doubt in someone’s mind, sometimes causing them to worry that they are engaging in unfaithful behaviors.
• Feeling insecure: Sometimes retroactive jealousy has nothing to do with the other person, and is due to one’s insecurity. This insecurity can be based on real or imagined relationship threats.
• Your partner maintains contact with their ex: Having a partner who still has contact with an ex can sometimes contribute to feelings of jealousy about their previous relationship.
• Anxious attachment style: An anxious attachment style can cause you to worry about your partner’s ability to be there for you or be fully committed in the relationship.
• Your partner has a history that you are uncomfortable with: Sometimes it can be difficult to overlook a person’s past, especially one that you are uncomfortable with. An example of this is someone who has no previous sexual partners who marries someone who has a sexual history, and is uncomfortable with this.

5 Ways to Overcome Retroactive Jealousy

Even though jealousy can feel overwhelming at times, there are many things you can do, individually and with your partner, to help you overcome retroactive jealousy.

Five ways to overcome retroactive jealousy include:

1. Avoid Giving In to Jealousy

Working on ways to avoid or minimize the amount of effect the jealousy has on you will sometimes help shift the focus. This works best for those who experience minimal amounts of jealousy, and are able to use other coping skills to redirect their focus. An example of this is the person who only has a mild amount of retroactive jealousy when they meet their partner’s very successful ex partner.

2. Focus on Your Current Relationship

When you start to feel the familiar pangs of jealousy, take a moment and look at a picture of you and your partner. It works best if you choose one that was taken recently at a joyous event such as a holiday party or vacation. This will help shift the focus and remind you that you and your partner have a special and unique relationship, and it is not worth focusing on the past.

3.  Be Mindful of Your Thoughts

Our thoughts increase our emotions,and jealousy is no exception. Many times our jealousy is based on negative thoughts that we have in our heads, such as saying that our partner’s ex is better looking than us, or creating assumptions that the partner had a more fun sexual relationship with their ex than with us. While some of these thoughts are normal, being mindful of them can help us push them away instead of letting them take over and create more jealousy.

4. Work on Improving Self-Esteem

Many times our jealousy can be due to lack of self-esteem or poor self image. This creates the perfect storm of jealousy as it makes us think that we are not good enough for our partner, and makes us question why our partner is with us. Working on improving our view of yourself as a partner, and increasing self compassion, can help decrease the amount of jealousy in your relationship.

5. Work on Improving Communication

A little bit of jealousy can actually be beneficial for a relationship, if it is addressed appropriately. In a 2013 study on jealousy and relationship closeness, “Results clearly distinguished emotional/reactive jealousy as mostly “good” and cognitive/suspicious jealousy as “bad.”¹ Therefore, expressing one’s feelings about emotional reactive jealousy can lead to healthy conversations and even deepen a relationship.

If You’re on The Other Side of a Partner’s Jealousy

If you are on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy, this can feel frustrating and even hopeless. Just as your jealousy is nobody else’s fault, your partner’s jealousy is never your fault. You can not change the past, and it is unreasonable to expect someone to worry about another’s insecurities all the time.

For some, jealousy is able to be worked through and managed. However, for others, jealousy can make it so the relationship just doesn’t work. Know that only you can make this choice, and that you do not have to tolerate any unhealthy behavior in yourself or others.

When to Break Up

For those who have experienced abuse or a toxic relationship, jealousy can be an understandable trigger. If your partner refuses to work on issues, or if they lack the self awareness to do so, it might be time to consider a breakup. Understand that this is okay and that you do not owe anyone to “try again.”

Can Therapy Help You Overcome Retroactive Jealousy?

When you’re experiencing tension or conflict in your relationships due to retroactive jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or any related issue, therapy can help. For some, individual therapy can help you find coping skills and improve self esteem that helps you overcome retroactive jealousy.

If it is affecting your relationship, marriage & couples therapy can help you navigate relationship challenges. It is easy to find a marriage & couple’s therapist by browsing an online therapist directory.

In My Experience

In my experience, retroactive jealousy is a normal part of being human. However, it is how you deal with these feelings that affect the longevity of the relationship. Left unaddressed, it can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration for either party.

If your partner is the one experiencing jealousy, it’s not easy. Taking steps to confront the issue will help, but only if the other person is open to feedback and willing to change the behavior. Encouraging your partner to seek therapy or attending sessions together is essential for understanding and working through jealousy. Pretending it isn’t happening, or hoping it will just get better, usually makes it worse.