Limerence: Definition, Causes, & How to Cope

What Is Limerence?

Limerence was first described by Dorothy Tennov in 1979 as an extreme form of unrequited love that causes significant distress. Unlike normal infatuation in which both people are obsessed with each other, limerence is one-sided. Limerence shares characteristics of OCD as well as addiction and can result in a diagnosis of OCD if symptoms are significant enough to meet the criteria.¹

Limerence is characterized by obsessive thoughts about another person, idealization of that person, and a preoccupation with whether the feelings are reciprocated. Often, the limerent object (LO) will be indecisive or inconsistent with their affection, which can lead the limerent person to go through extreme emotional ups and downs. Limerence can affect people of any age, sex, or gender.

Is Limerance Unhealthy?

Whether or not limerance is unhealthy depends on a few factors. It can be normal to have an obsessive, exhilarating feeling of longing for another person in the infatuation stage of a relationship. In healthy relationships, these feelings are reciprocal, temporary, and transition into deeper feelings of connection and companionship. If the obsession continues despite the feelings not being returned, this can be a sign that it is unhealthy.

A good way to tell if limerance has become unhealthy is how it impacts a person’s daily functioning in their life. If they spend most of their day obsessing, ruminating, or making plans to see their object of affection, these are warning signs. Some other indicators are difficulty sleeping or eating, a negative impact on other relationships, and intrusive thoughts or rituals.

Signs & Symptoms of Limerence

The common signs and symptoms of limerence include obsessive or intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, idealization of the other person, and significant distress related to these thoughts.

Common signs of limerence include:

• Idealization: When a person is experiencing limerance, their object of desire can do no wrong. The other person is idealized and seen as perfect.
• Intrusive thoughts: Intrusive thoughts are intense, uncontrollable, and deeply distressing. In limerence, these thoughts can include things like replaying the last encounter with the LO, planning ways to see them again, or having fantasies about the future.
• Fear of rejection: Limerence creates an extreme fear of rejection, that the other person will not return their affection, causing emotional devastation.
• Compulsive behaviors: A person with limerance may start to engage in compulsive rituals such as creating ways to run into the LO, engaging in mental checklists, or rehearsing what they will say.
• Anxiety: Like any obsessive thought patterns, limerence causes anxiety. In most cases, this is anxiety related to the fear of rejection.
• Impact on relationships: When someone has a hard time focusing on anything other than their object of affection, this can damage real-life relationships. The obsession takes up time and mental energy that could be spent with friends and family.
• Problems at work or school: Limerence can cause a person to be distracted from thinking about anything else. This can cause problems with performance or productivity, resulting in consequences at work or with grades.

Stages of Limerence

Limerence progresses through stages, From the initial euphoric feelings of infatuation to the crystallization stage, in which a person starts to become obsessed, and finally, deterioration, in which the relationship falls apart. The definition of these stages is based on the work of relationship expert John Gottman, who introduced the stages of healthy relationships.³

The three stages of limerence are:

Stage 1: Infatuation

This stage feels a lot like normal infatuation in other types of love. Chemical changes in the brain cause a person to feel euphoric and long to be with their object of affection. The other person can do no wrong. These intense feelings can make it difficult to tell if the other person is a good fit or if the rush of infatuation is taking over.

Stage 2: Crystallization

In the crystallization stage, a person experiencing limerence becomes fully obsessed with winning over the affection of the other person. They will go to great lengths to avoid rejection, and they start to obsess about how the other person feels about them. A person will start to write off or justify any potential negatives or red flags about the other person.

Stage 3: Deterioration

Finally, in the deterioration stage, the limerent relationship starts to fall apart. A person starts to have negative feelings toward their limerent object (LO) as the reality of the situation comes crashing down. This can include coming to terms with the realization that the LO does not share their affection or that they are a flawed human being and not the idealized version. This stage can feel devastating.

How to Know the Difference Between Limerence & Love

One of the primary differences between limerence and love is that love grows over time and is reciprocal, while limerence is intense, temporary, and obsessive. In a healthy love relationship, people get to know each other over time. The initial feelings of infatuation deepen into something more lasting and comforting as trust is built, friendship is deepened, and shared goals for the future are created.

With limerence, on the other hand, the LO is either uninterested or inconsistent. The person experiencing limerence spends a lot of time obsessing about whether the feelings will be returned, and there is a great deal of insecurity and relationship anxiety. In a healthy love relationship, these intense feelings of doubt and uncertainty are not as present, as both partners can begin to be open and honest about their feelings.

Can Limerence Ever Turn Into Love?

Limerence can turn into love, but it is unlikely, and things would have to change. A person would have to get to know the LO as a whole, a flawed human rather than their mind’s idealized version. There needs to be a reciprocal bond in which both people are committed to the relationship, which would be built on commitment and shared goals rather than feelings.

What Causes Limerence?

Limerence can be caused by certain mental health conditions that create unstable moods and unhealthy thought patterns, such as borderline personality disorder, OCD, or bipolar disorder. Other causes include early traumatic experiences, unhealthy attachments to caregivers in childhood, and brain chemistry, particularly an imbalance between the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.

Conditions that can cause limerence include:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) creates a pattern of intense and unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to see others as all good or all bad in a process known as BPD splitting. In BPD, the LO can quickly go from a perfect, idealized version to a terrible villain. In BPD relationship cycles, this can shift back and forth quickly and repeatedly.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) creates obsessive, intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. In limerence, these obsessive thoughts focus on the object of affection. A person experiencing these obsessions may start to feel an emotional bond with the other person, even if it is only in their thoughts. Compulsions serve as a way to try to reduce the distress caused by the obsessions.

Common compulsions an individual with OCD may have surrounding limerence include:

• Checking social media messages, texts, or emails for any signs of contact from the LO.
• Ruminating and daydreaming about the other person
• Monitoring the LO’s behaviors and routines
• Gathering information about the LO, like their interests, hobbies, and friends
• Analyzing any interaction or communication with the LO, looking for signs that the interest is reciprocated
• Obsessively seeking reassurance from others

Past Trauma

Past trauma history can have a significant impact on the development of limerence. Unresolved emotional issues from the past can result in anxious attachment styles, damage to self-esteem, and an unconscious pattern of repeating painful situations. Limerence can also provide a distraction against the emotional pain related to the trauma.

Attachment Disorder

When a person is not able to form healthy attachments in childhood, this can impact the way they form emotional bonds later in life. This can result in attachment disorder in adults and contribute to the manifestation of limerence. Attachment disorders result in anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles, all of which contribute to limerence in different ways.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder can increase risk-taking and impulsivity during manic phases. In this state, a person may act on their limerent feelings, contacting or making grand gestures towards their LO. Depressive cycles can lead to extreme disappointment, despair, and loneliness. Bipolar disorder can also cause cognitive distortions or even bipolar psychosis, which amplify the limerent feelings and intrusive thoughts.

Brain Chemistry

Studies show that brain chemistry, particularly relating to the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine, can have a huge role in the development of limerence. In particular, people with limerence have been shown to have low levels of serotonin and high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. These imbalances contribute to feelings of longing and obsessive thoughts.^4,5

How to Cope With Limerence

Limerence creates diverse challenges and is an intense emotional state that can cause feelings ranging from euphoria to despair. It can have a negative impact not only on a person’s emotions but on their ability to function in life. Helpful coping strategies include cultivating self-acceptance and compassion, creating physical and emotional distance from the LO, and turning toward self-care, meaningful activities, and healthy relationships.

Here are eight tips for how to cope with limerence:

1. Acknowledge & Accept Emotions

Acknowledging and accepting the emotions associated with limerence is an important coping skill. When a person shames themself for their emotions, that creates another layer of distress to deal with. It is more effective to learn to notice that the feelings are there without judgment. Fostering self-compassion is a crucial first step in coping because it reduces the emotional distress caused by self-criticism.

2. Establish Boundaries

Setting boundaries in relationships can help a person manage interactions with the limerent object. Creating boundaries and emotional distance can promote self-control, reduce obsessions, and help prevent the intense feelings caused by contact with the LO. This can help a person create healthy emotional distance and begin to re-focus on their own identity and interests.

3. Consider Temporary Distancing

It may be helpful to consider temporary distancing from the limerent object (LO). This will allow an individual to gain clarity and reduce the intensity of emotions over time. Distance from the LO can help to break the cycle of obsessive thinking, free up time and emotional energy for building other relationships, and prevent unhealthy behaviors that could cause problems.

4. Challenge Obsessive Thinking

There are several helpful tools for managing obsessive thinking associated with limerence, including techniques from cognitive-behavioral therapy, acceptance, and commitment therapy, and mindfulness. It is important not just to try to stop thinking about someone but to replace those thoughts with healthy thoughts, behaviors, and coping skills instead.

Here are a few ways to challenge obsessive thinking associated with limerence:

• Identify the cognitive distortions or inaccurate thoughts created by limerence
• Replace those thoughts with healthier cognitions like “I can find happiness even if this person isn’t in my life.”
• Practice cognitive defusion techniques to create distance from the thoughts and see them as just thoughts, not facts or reality
• Practice mindfulness to build the skill of noticing thoughts without being attached to them
• Schedule “worry time”, setting a timer for short times to allow yourself to focus on the thoughts and then shift gears when the timer goes off

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques can help a person stay present in the moment and focus on current sensations instead of obsessive thoughts. This can allow for some distance from the intensity of emotions and the development of a more grounded awareness. Mindfulness also includes the concept of nonjudgmental acceptance, which means just noticing the thoughts and feelings without self-criticism.

Here is a simple way to practice a mindful breathing exercise.

• Find a quiet place where you can be undisturbed for a few minutes
• Get into a comfortable position, sitting or lying down
• Close your eyes or soften your focus
• Breathe naturally and turn your attention to your breath
• Notice the breath coming in and going out of your body. Notice how it feels in your nose, chest, and lungs. Notice your chest rising and falling
• Repeat to yourself, “I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out.”
• If distractions come up, which they will, that’s OK! Simply notice without judgment and return your attention to the breath.
• Practice this regularly. 2-5 minutes per day makes a huge difference.

6. Seek Professional Support

Limerence is a painful and intense experience that can cause problems in many aspects of a person’s life. Consider beginning therapy to explore the root causes of limerence and heal any traumatic past experiences or mental conditions that might contribute. Therapy can provide a structured and supportive environment for coping and help a person break free from limerence.

Here are a few types of therapy to explore:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT can help a person identify and challenge the thought distortions that contribute to limerence.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT helps a person accept their current situation without judgment or self-criticism. Then, rather than acting on emotion, ACT teaches a person to take action based on their core values.
• Exposure and response prevention (ERP):  ERP is the most effective treatment for OCD. if a person experiencing limerence also has OCD or is having trouble breaking away from obsessive thoughts, ERP can help.
• Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): When a person has a history of trauma, this can contribute to emotional dysregulation and instability in relationships. EMDR helps heal past trauma, which can reduce the impact of limerence.
• Internal Family Systems (IFS): In IFS therapy, every person is viewed as being made up of different parts of themselves. There may be one part that is completely obsessed with the limerent object, but another part that wants to let go of the obsession. IFS allows all of these parts to be honored and heard so that a person can move forward in a healthy way.

7. Engage in Self-Care

Self-care practices are important for counteracting the negative effects of limerence. Activities like mindfulness or engaging in hobbies can help a person manage their intense emotions. Self-care can boost self-esteem, improve mental health, and encourage a person to focus on themselves rather than their LO. This shift in focus can help break the cycle of obsession and turn attention back to a person’s own needs.

How to Find Professional Support

Finding a therapist can help you overcome limerence, heal from past trauma and attachment wounds, and improve your self-esteem. It’s important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a convenient way to connect with qualified mental health professionals and can be a helpful tool for discovering a therapist who fits your needs.