Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship Cycles

What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?

A borderline personality disorder (BPD) relationship cycle refers to a repeating, continuous series of highs and lows in a relationship with someone who has BPD. First, everything feels good, uplifting, and safe—they might think of you as their favorite person. In the blink of an eye, there is anger or extreme borderline rage, chaos, and escalating negative emotions. This kind of cycle can be a shock. However, it’s common when you have a romantic or platonic relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD.

BPD Cycles In Romantic Relationships

Due to the potential for conflict, BPD cycles in romantic relationships often feel dysfunctional. Regardless, it’s important to note that people with BPD can be nurturing and compassionate. They have positive qualities, but they also have intense insecurities and fears that can be difficult to navigate, especially when they begin dating someone new.

People with BPD often experience strong feelings of anxiety about their partner abandoning them, so they can perceive unrelated cues as “signs” that their partner has become uninterested. When this happens, they may immediately pull back or even end the relationship themselves, starting a cycle of back-and-forth that can become obsessive.

It’s possible to have a long and fulfilling relationship with a BPD partner, but it requires patience and time spent understanding their triggers and BPD cycles in general.¹

How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?

The length of a BPD cycle in a romantic relationship can vary greatly, because it depends on a wide range of factors such as the severity of BPD symptoms, level of functioning, and the level of insight of the BPD person, among many other things.² In general, BPD cycles tend to disappear as quickly as they appear. When this pattern is present in a relationship, it can recur over and over with stable periods in between, or it may result in a permanent break-up.³

6 Stages of a BPD Relationship Cycle

You can generally plot out a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle into six stages of progression. Learning the signs of these phases can help you determine the best way to approach them.

Below are the six stages of a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle:⁴

1. Things Move Quickly

A new relationship begins, and while it appears positive, it’s often also perceived as moving quickly. However, there seems to be a mutual desire to build a future together. One partner, usually the one with BPD, idealizes the relationship based on a few dates. They may begin to fixate on the relationship and this person.

2. BPD Partner Becomes More Sensitive

The BPD partner becomes increasingly sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative perceptions trigger abandonment issues and feelings of low self-worth. The BPD partner begins to tell themselves a narrative about how their partner doesn’t love them.

3. BPD Partner Manipulates for Affection

The partner with BPD sets up a situation in the relationship that pushes the other person to demonstrate their love. Their goal is to feel worthy and put a stop to anxiety by leading or manipulating the other person to show affection.

4. BPD Partner Becomes Inconsistent

Inconsistency and instability cause friction and discord in the relationship. There may be more issues, causing that same anxiety to come back even stronger. The partner without BPD may appear calm and happy, but by this stage, their needs are unlikely to be met. This creates a bigger wedge between the partners involved.

5. Non-BPD Partner Leaves

At this point in the BPD relationship cycle, the non-BPD partner usually leaves the relationship. The BPD partner may try to explain and make excuses for what has occurred, while the non-BPD partner has already emotionally checked out.

6. Severe Mood Swings

The BPD partner may feel depressed and angry, sometimes resulting in extreme mood swings. They begin to believe the negative inner monologue that says they’re worthless. Their emotional volatility is so strong that they may engage in impulsive, risky, life-threatening behaviors, or potentially become suicidal.

How to Cope With BPD Relationship Cycles

BPD relationship cycles can be difficult to deal with, but whether you have BPD or your loved one does, there are ways to cope and improve your relationship.

For Someone Living With BPD

If you have BPD, there are coping mechanisms you can employ to nurture a healthy, long-lasting relationship, including grounding, practicing gratitude, and behavioral activation.

Below are coping mechanisms for people living with BPD:⁵

• Find a support system: Make sure you have enough people in your life who can support you. If needed, locate a therapist and use the guidance of a professional.
• Use music as a tool: Music with a tempo that is opposite to how you feel can help level out your feelings. In other words, if you’re feeling sad, play fast upbeat music. If you are feeling restless, play slower music.
• Ground yourself: Meditation and other mindfulness practices for borderline personality disorder can slow down your body and nervous system, allowing you to relax.
• Redirect your mind: This kind of behavioral activation helps distract you from negative emotions. It could be as simple as taking a walk or doing something that involves more coordination.

For BPD Loved Ones

Coping mechanisms that may help to support you in your relationship (and help your BPD loved one maintain health and balance) include setting boundaries, practicing healthy communication, and demanding respect.

Below are coping mechanisms for BPD loved ones:⁶

• Set boundaries: When both partners are emotionally level, slowly approach the idea of gracefully and patiently setting healthy boundaries in your relationship. Also, listen to your partner during this time. Going too fast might trigger them. It’s important that both of you feel comfortable.
• Explain your perspective: Remember to stay calm and provide your loved one with some context. Explaining your “why” makes it about your needs to keep the relationship healthy.
• Follow your own boundaries: If your BPD partner tries to test the limits of your boundaries and you allow them to be crossed, you are not improving the situation. You are teaching them that it’s OK to cross boundaries.
• Ensure you and your needs are being respected: If your boundaries aren’t respected or your relationship becomes abusive, there must be consequences. Someone with a personality disorder shouldn’t get a pass to be disrespectful or commit an abuse of any kind. If you’re experiencing this in a relationship with a partner with BPD, you are encouraged to seek support and leave the toxic relationship.

When & How a Therapist Can Help

Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for BPD or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) for BPD, can be very effective for those who have BPD or love someone with BPD. DBT is a popular modality for treating BPD which helps one identify specific emotional issues and view them from different perspectives.⁷ In addition to therapy, borderline personality disorder medication can help support people when symptoms flare up. Choosing a therapist can be made easier by asking a trusted doctor for a referral or by using an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

BPD relationship cycles can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. It may feel like your partner is disconnected from you. Other times, it may feel impossible to get through to them. While maintaining a BPD relationship can be difficult, with the right tools and the help of a therapist, the cycle can be broken.