Relationships with people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be cyclic, intense, and filled with conflict. People with BPD are often extremely scared that others will abandon them; however, they can also shift to a fear of closeness and intimacy. The result is a back-and-forth or a push-and-pull between demanding attention and withdrawing from others.
What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?
A BPD relationship cycle refers to a repeating, continuous series of highs and lows in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. First, everything feels good, uplifting, and safe—they might think of you as their favorite person. In the blink of an eye, there is anger or extreme rage, chaos, and escalating negative emotions.
This kind of cycle can be a shock; however, it’s common when you have a romantic or platonic relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD.
BPD Cycles In Romantic Relationships
Due to the potential for conflict, BPD cycles in romantic relationships often feel dysfunctional. However, it’s important to note that people with BPD can be nurturing and compassionate. They have positive qualities, but they also have intense insecurities and fears that can be difficult to navigate, especially in new dating relationships.
People with BPD often experience strong feelings of anxiety about their partner abandoning them, so they can perceive unrelated cues as “signs” that their partner has become uninterested. Usually when this happens, they immediately pull back or even end the relationship themselves, starting a cycle of back-and-forth that can become obsessive.
It’s possible to have a long and fulfilling relationship with a partner with BPD, but it requires a lot of patience and time spent understanding their triggers and BPD cycles in general.1
How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?
The length of a BPD cycle in a romantic relationship can vary greatly because it depends on a wide range of factors like severity of BPD symptoms, level of functioning, and the level of insight of the BPD person, among many other things.2 However, in general, BPD cycles tend to disappear as quickly as they appear. When this pattern is present in a relationship it can recur over and over with stable periods in between, or it may result with a permanent break-up.3
6 Stages of a Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship
You can generally plot out a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle into six stages of progression.
Here are the six stages of a borderline personality disorder relationship:4
1. Things Move Quickly
A new relationship begins, and while it appears positive, it’s often also perceived as moving quickly. However, there seems to be a mutual desire to build a future together. One partner, usually the one with BPD, idealizes the relationship based on a few dates. They may begin to fixate on the relationship and this person.
2. BPD Partner Gets More Sensitive
The BPD partner becomes increasingly sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative perceptions trigger abandonment issues and feelings of low self-worth. The BPD partner begins to tell themselves a narrative about how their partner doesn’t love them.
3. BPD Partner Manipulates for Affection
The partner with BPD sets up a situation in the relationship that pushes the other person to demonstrate their love. Their goal is to feel worthy and put a stop to anxiety by leading or manipulating the other person to show affection.
4. BPD Partner Becomes Inconsistent
Inconsistency and instability causes friction and discord. There may be more issues, causing that same anxiety to come back stronger. The partner without BPD may appear calm and happy, but by this stage, their needs are unlikely to be met. This creates a bigger wedge.
5. Non-BPD Partner Leaves
The non-BPD partner usually leaves the relationship at this point. The BPD partner may try to explain and make excuses for what occurred, while the non-BPD partner is emotionally checked out.
6. Severe Mood Swings
The BPD partner may feel depressed and angry and start to experience extreme mood swings. They believe the negative inner monologue that says they’re worthless. Their emotional volatility is so strong that they may engage in impulsive risky, life-threatening behaviors, or potentially become suicidal.
How to Cope With BPD Relationship Cycles
BPD relationship cycles can be difficult to deal with, but whether you have BPD or your partner or friend does, there are ways to cope and improve your relationship.
For Someone Living With BPD
If you have BPD, there are coping mechanisms you can employ to nurture a healthy, long-lasting relationship, including grounding, gratitude, and behavioral activation.
Here are four coping mechanisms for people living with BPD:5
- Find a support system: make sure you have enough people in your life that can help support you. If needed, locate a therapist and use the guidance of a professional.
- Use music as a tool: music that has a tempo that is opposite of how you feel can help level out your feelings. In other words, if you’re feeling sad, play fast upbeat music. If you are feeling restless, play slower music.
- Ground yourself with deep breathing or a gratitude meditation: meditation and other mindfulness practices for borderline personality disorder can slow down your body and nervous system and help relax you.
- Participate in an activity that helps redirect your mind: this kind of behavioral activation helps distract you from negative emotions. It could be as simple as taking a walk or doing something that involves more coordination.
For BPD Loved Ones
Coping mechanisms that may help to support you in your relationship (and help your BPD loved one maintain health and balance) include setting boundaries, practicing healthy communication, and demanding respect.
Here are four coping mechanisms for BPD loved ones:6
- Set boundaries: when both partners are emotionally level, slowly approach the idea of how to set healthy boundaries in your relationship with grace and patience. Also, listen to your partner during this time. Going too fast might trigger them. It’s important that both of you feel comfortable.
- Explain your perspective: it’s important to stay calm and give some context. Explaining your “why” makes it about your needs to keep the relationship healthy.
- Follow your own boundaries: if the BPD partner tries to test the limits of your boundaries and you allow them to be crossed, you are not helping the situation. You are teaching them that it’s OK to cross boundaries.
- Ensure you and your need for boundaries are being respected: if your boundaries aren’t respected and you begin to experience abusive behaviors from the BPD partner, there must be consequences. Someone with a personality disorder shouldn’t get a pass to be disrespectful or commit abuse of any kind. If you’re experiencing this in a relationship with a partner with BPD, you are encouraged to seek support and leave the toxic relationship.
When & How a Therapist Can Help
Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can be very effective for those who have BPD or love someone with BPD. DBT is a popular modality for treating BPD. This approach helps identify specific emotional issues and view them from different perspectives.7 In addition to therapy, borderline personality disorder medication can help support people when symptoms flare up.
Finding a therapist can be made easier by asking a trusted doctor for a referral or by using an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts On the BPD Relationship Cycle
BPD relationship cycles can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. It may feel like your partner is disconnected from you. Other times, it may feel impossible to get through to them. While maintaining a BPD relationship can be difficult, with the right tools and the help of a therapist, the cycle can be broken.
For Further Reading
BPD Relationship Cycles Infographics
