Relationships with people who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be cyclic, intense, and filled with conflict. People with BPD are often extremely scared that others will abandon them; however, they can also shift to a fear of closeness and intimacy. The result is a back-and-forth or a push-and-pull between demanding attention and withdrawing from others.
What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?
A BPD relationship cycle refers to a repeating, continuous series of highs and lows in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. First, everything feels good, uplifting, and safe – they might think of you as their favorite person. In the blink of an eye, there is anger, chaos, and escalating negative emotions. This kind of cycle can be a shock; however, it’s common when you have a romantic or platonic relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD.
BPD Cycles in Romantic Relationships
Due to the potential for conflict, BPD cycles in romantic relationships often feel dysfunctional. However, it’s important to note that people with BPD can be nurturing and compassionate. They have positive qualities, but they also have intense insecurities and fears that can be difficult to navigate, especially in new relationships.
People with BPD often experience strong feelings of anxiety about their partner abandoning them, so they can perceive unrelated cues as “signs” that their partner has become uninterested. Usually when this happens, they immediately pull back, starting a cycle of back and forth that can become obsessive.
It’s possible to have a long and fulfilling relationship with a partner with BPD, but it requires a lot of patience and time spent understanding their triggers and BPD cycles in general.1
6 Stages of a Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship
You can generally plot out a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle into six stages of progression.
Six stages of a borderline personality disorder relationship are:2
- Stage 1: A new relationship begins, and while it appears positive, it’s often also perceived as moving quickly. However, there seems to be a mutual desire to build a future together. One partner, usually the one with BPD, idealizes the relationship based on a few dates. They may begin to fixate on the relationship and this person.
- Stage 2: The BPD partner becomes increasingly sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative perceptions trigger fears of abandonment and feelings of low self-worth. The BPD partner begins to tell themselves a narrative about how their partner doesn’t love them.
- Stage 3: The partner with BPD sets up a situation in the relationship that pushes the other person to demonstrate their love. Their goal is to feel worthy and put a stop to anxiety by leading or manipulating the other person to show affection
- Stage 4: Inconsistency and instability causes friction and discord. There may be more issues, causing that same anxiety to come back stronger. The partner without BPD may appear calm and happy, but by this stage, their needs are unlikely to be met. This creates a bigger wedge.
- Stage 5: The non-BPD partner usually leaves the relationship at this point. The BPD partner may try to explain and make excuses for what occurred, while the non-BPD partner is emotionally checked out.
- Stage 6: The BPD partner may feel depressed and angry and start to experience extreme mood swings. They believe the negative inner monologue that says they’re worthless. Their emotional volatility is so strong that they may engage in risky, life-threatening behaviors and/or become suicidal.
How to Cope With BPD Relationship Cycles
BPD relationship cycles can be difficult to deal with, but whether you have BPD or your partner or friend does, there are ways to cope and improve your relationship.
For Someone Living With BPD
If you have BPD, there are coping mechanisms you can employ to nurture a healthy, long-lasting relationship, including grounding, gratitude, and behavioral activation.
Four coping mechanisms for people living with BPD are:3
- Find a support system: Make sure you have enough people in your life that can help support you. If needed, locate a therapist and use the guidance of a professional to help you.
- Use music as a tool: Music that has a tempo that is opposite of how you feel can help level out your feelings. In other words, if you’re feeling sad, play fast upbeat music. If you are feeling restless, play slower music.
- Ground yourself with deep breathing or a gratitude meditation: Meditation and other mindfulness practices can slow down your body and nervous system and help relax you.
- Participate in an activity that helps redirect your mind: This kind of behavioral activation helps distract you from negative emotions. It could be as simple as taking a walk or doing something that involves more coordination.
For BPD Loved Ones
Coping mechanisms that may help to support you in your relationship with someone living with BPD include setting boundaries, practicing healthy communication, and demanding respect.
Four coping mechanisms for BPD loved ones are:4
- Set boundaries: When both partners are emotionally level, slowly approach the idea of boundaries with grace and patience. Also, listen to your partner during this time. Going too fast might trigger them. It’s important that both of you feel comfortable.
- Explain your perspective: It’s important to stay calm and give some context. Explaining your “why” makes it about your needs to keep the relationship healthy.
- Follow your own boundaries: If the BPD partner tries to test the limits of your boundaries and you allow them to be crossed, you are not helping the situation. You are teaching them that it’s OK to cross boundaries.
- Ensure you and your need for boundaries are being respected: If your boundaries aren’t respected and you begin to experience abusive behaviors from the BPD partner, there must be consequences. Someone with a personality disorder shouldn’t get a pass to be disrespectful or commit abuse of any kind. If you’re experiencing this in a relationship with a partner with BPD, you are encouraged to seek support and leave the toxic relationship.
When & How a Therapist Can Help
Therapy can be very effective for those who have BPD or love someone with BPD. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a popular modality for treating BPD. This approach helps identify specific emotional issues and view them from different perspectives.5 In addition to therapy, medication can help support the client when symptoms flare up. To find a therapist, search an online database to find a therapist and use an online directory.
Final Thoughts on the BPD Relationship Cycle
BPD relationship cycles can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. It may feel like your partner is disconnected from you. Other times, it may feel impossible to get through to them. While maintaining a BPD relationship can be difficult, with the right tools and the help of a therapist, the cycle can be broken.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Quotes About BPD
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
