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  • What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?
  • What Causes It?What Causes It?
  • BPD Cycles in Romantic RelationshipsBPD Cycles in Romantic Relationships
  • How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?
  • 6 Stages6 Stages
  • How to CopeHow to Cope
  • When & How a Therapist Can HelpWhen & How a Therapist Can Help
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BPD Articles BPD Treatment for BPD Types of BPD Best Online Therapy

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship Cycles

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena specializes in grief, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. She also has experience in many other areas of mental healthcare.

See My Bio Editorial Policy
Rajy Abulhosn, MD

Medical Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD Licensed medical reviewer

Published: May 1, 2025
  • What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?
  • What Causes It?What Causes It?
  • BPD Cycles in Romantic RelationshipsBPD Cycles in Romantic Relationships
  • How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?
  • 6 Stages6 Stages
  • How to CopeHow to Cope
  • When & How a Therapist Can HelpWhen & How a Therapist Can Help
  • In My ExperienceIn My Experience
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) relationship cycles can be intense and filled with conflict. People with BPD may experience an overwhelming fear of abandonment that rapidly flips into discomfort with closeness or intimacy. This emotional push-and-pull between demanding attention and sudden withdrawal can leave their partners feeling confused, undervalued, and emotionally drained. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making sense of the chaos and exploring ways to create healthier, more stable relationships.

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What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?

A borderline personality disorder (BPD) relationship cycle is a recurring pattern of emotional highs and lows that often defines relationships with someone who has BPD. First, everything feels good, uplifting, and safe, and they might think of you as their favorite person. In the blink of an eye, there is anger or extreme borderline rage, chaos, and escalating negative emotions.

These rapid shifts in emotion and behavior can be jarring, especially for someone who is unaware of the underlying disorder. While it may seem unpredictable or extreme, this cycle is a common experience in both romantic and platonic relationships with individuals living with BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder Worksheets

This collection of worksheets is designed to offer tools and strategies that help you navigate the unique challenges of BPD. Find the one you need below or browse our full list of BPD worksheets.

Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook
Complete Workbook Download
Identifying Emotions Worksheet
Identifying Your Emotions Download
Identifying Your BPD Triggers Worksheet
Identify Your BPD Triggers Download
DBT PLEASE Skill Worksheet
DBT PLEASE Skill Download
Nervous System Regulation Worksheet
Nervous System Regulation Download

What Causes BPD Relationship Cycles?

Relationship cycles in BPD can be explained by the family of symptoms that distinguish the disorder and cause interpersonal difficulties. People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of abandonment, attachment issues, and difficulty regulating their emotions without outside help. All of these components together lead to the instability that results from relationship cycles and sets BPD apart from other disorders.

Many individuals with BPD have a history of relational trauma, such as childhood abuse, neglect, or emotionally inconsistent caregiving. These early experiences can contribute to the development of insecure attachment styles and a heightened sensitivity to real or perceived threats in relationships. This emotional hypersensitivity, when combined with impulsivity and reactivity, can fuel patterns of idealization followed by devaluation—hallmarks of BPD relationship cycles.

BPD Cycles In Romantic Relationships

Due to the potential for conflict, BPD cycles in romantic relationships often feel dysfunctional. Regardless, it’s important to note that people with BPD can be nurturing and compassionate. They have positive qualities, but they also have intense insecurities and fears that can be difficult to navigate, especially when they begin dating someone new.

People with BPD often experience strong feelings of anxiety about their partner abandoning them, so they can perceive unrelated cues as “signs” that their partner has become uninterested. When this happens, they may immediately pull back or even end the relationship themselves, starting a cycle of back-and-forth that can become obsessive.

It’s possible to have a long and fulfilling relationship with a BPD partner, but it requires patience and time spent understanding their triggers and BPD cycles in general.1

How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?

The length of a BPD cycle in a romantic relationship can vary greatly, because it depends on a wide range of factors such as the severity of BPD symptoms, level of functioning, and the level of insight of the BPD person, among many other things.2 In general, BPD cycles tend to disappear as quickly as they appear. When this pattern is present in a relationship, it can recur over and over with stable periods in between, or it may result in a permanent break-up.3

6 Stages of a BPD Relationship Cycle

You can generally plot out a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle into six stages of progression. Learning the signs of these phases can help you determine the best way to approach them.

Below are the six stages of a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle:4

1. Things Move Quickly

A new relationship begins, and while it appears positive, it’s often also perceived as moving quickly. However, there seems to be a mutual desire to build a future together. One partner, usually the one with BPD, idealizes the relationship based on a few dates. They may begin to fixate on the relationship and this person.

2. BPD Partner Becomes More Sensitive

The BPD partner becomes increasingly sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative perceptions trigger abandonment issues and feelings of low self-worth. The BPD partner begins to tell themselves a narrative about how their partner doesn’t love them.

3. BPD Partner Manipulates for Affection

The partner with BPD sets up a situation in the relationship that pushes the other person to demonstrate their love. Their goal is to feel worthy and put a stop to anxiety by leading or manipulating the other person to show affection.

4. BPD Partner Becomes Inconsistent

Inconsistency and instability cause friction and discord in the relationship. There may be more issues, causing that same anxiety to come back even stronger. The partner without BPD may appear calm and happy, but by this stage, their needs are unlikely to be met. This creates a bigger wedge between the partners involved.

5. Non-BPD Partner Leaves

At this point in the BPD relationship cycle, the non-BPD partner usually leaves the relationship. The BPD partner may try to explain and make excuses for what has occurred, while the non-BPD partner has already emotionally checked out.

6. Severe Mood Swings

The BPD partner may feel depressed and angry, sometimes resulting in extreme mood swings. They begin to believe the negative inner monologue that says they’re worthless. Their emotional volatility is so strong that they may engage in impulsive, risky, life-threatening behaviors, or potentially become suicidal.

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How to Cope With BPD Relationship Cycles

BPD relationship cycles can be difficult to deal with, but whether you have BPD or your loved one does, there are ways to cope and improve your relationship.

For Someone Living With BPD

If you have BPD, there are coping mechanisms you can employ to nurture a healthy, long-lasting relationship, including grounding, practicing gratitude, and behavioral activation.

Below are coping mechanisms for people living with BPD:5

  • Find a support system: Make sure you have enough people in your life who can support you. If needed, locate a therapist and use the guidance of a professional.
  • Use music as a tool: Music with a tempo that is opposite to how you feel can help level out your feelings. In other words, if you’re feeling sad, play fast upbeat music. If you are feeling restless, play slower music.
  • Ground yourself: Meditation and other mindfulness practices for borderline personality disorder can slow down your body and nervous system, allowing you to relax.
  • Redirect your mind: This kind of behavioral activation helps distract you from negative emotions. It could be as simple as taking a walk or doing something that involves more coordination.

For BPD Loved Ones

Coping mechanisms that may help to support you in your relationship (and help your BPD loved one maintain health and balance) include setting boundaries, practicing healthy communication, and demanding respect.

Below are coping mechanisms for BPD loved ones:6

  • Set boundaries: When both partners are emotionally level, slowly approach the idea of gracefully and patiently setting healthy boundaries in your relationship. Also, listen to your partner during this time. Going too fast might trigger them. It’s important that both of you feel comfortable.
  • Explain your perspective: Remember to stay calm and provide your loved one with some context. Explaining your “why” makes it about your needs to keep the relationship healthy.
  • Follow your own boundaries: If your BPD partner tries to test the limits of your boundaries and you allow them to be crossed, you are not improving the situation. You are teaching them that it’s OK to cross boundaries.
  • Ensure you and your needs are being respected: If your boundaries aren’t respected or your relationship becomes abusive, there must be consequences. Someone with a personality disorder shouldn’t get a pass to be disrespectful or commit an abuse of any kind. If you’re experiencing this in a relationship with a partner with BPD, you are encouraged to seek support and leave the toxic relationship.

When & How a Therapist Can Help

Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for BPD or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) for BPD, can be very effective for those who have BPD or love someone with BPD.DBT, in particular, is a popular modality that helps individuals identify emotional challenges and view them from different perspectives.7

In addition to therapy, borderline personality disorder medication can be helpful for managing symptom flare-ups. Choosing a therapist can be made easier by asking a trusted doctor for a referral, using an online therapist directory, or exploring reputable online therapy platforms that offer virtual access to licensed professionals. These platforms can be especially helpful for those with limited local options or tight schedules.

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In My Experience

“BPD relationship cycles can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. It may feel like your partner is disconnected from you. Other times, it may feel impossible to get through to them. While maintaining a BPD relationship can be difficult, with the right tools and the help of a therapist, the cycle can be broken.”

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Best Online Therapy Services of 2025: Our Firsthand Experiences & Recommendations

Best Online Therapy Services

There are a number of factors to consider when trying to determine which online therapy platform is going to be the best fit for you. It’s important to be mindful of what each platform costs, the services they provide you with, their providers’ training and level of expertise, and several other important criteria.

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Best Online Psychiatry Services

Best Online Psychiatry Services

Online psychiatry, sometimes called telepsychiatry, platforms offer medication management by phone, video, or secure messaging for a variety of mental health conditions. In some cases, online psychiatry may be more affordable than seeing an in-person provider. Mental health treatment has expanded to include many online psychiatry and therapy services. With so many choices, it can feel overwhelming to find the one that is right for you.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Do All People With BPD Have Relationship Cycles?

Click here to open the answer container. Click here to close the answer container.

Relationship cycles are a typical symptom in people with BPD, but that does not mean it is present in everyone with the disorder. These cycles are common because of the symptoms that characterize the disorder, including attachment issues, fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and insecurities about relationships. While your partner with BPD may not go through these cycles as a clear sequential process, it’s important to be aware that this is possible and could disrupt the relationship.

Why Do BPD Relationships Feel so Intense?

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People who have BPD experience their emotions very strongly and sometimes express them in very intense ways. The fear of abandonment combined with their desire for connection can result in a quick moving relationship that can be very intense for the non-BPD partner. It’s okay if the relationship feels too intense for you, and if it begins to feel like manipulation or abuse, seek support or leave the relationship.

Can Someone With BPD Have a Healthy Relationship?

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Yes! It is possible for someone with BPD to have a healthy, non-toxic relationship with a partner. Because of their diagnosis, this may require more support from outside of the relationship, like therapy for both partners. However, people with BPD who are willing and able to reflect on themselves and integrate feedback from others can have a healthy relationship.

BPD Relationship Cycles Infographics

What Is a BPD Relationship Cycle?   Stages of a Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship   How to Cope With BPD Relationship Cycles

Sources Update History

ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Houben, M., & Kuppens, P. (2020). Emotion dynamics and the association with depressive features and borderline personality disorder traits: Unique, specific, and prospective relationships. Clinical Psychological Science, 8(2), 226-239. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619871962

  • Perrotta, G., & Perrotta, G. (2020). Borderline personality disorder: Definition, differential diagnosis, clinical contexts, and therapeutic approaches. Annals of Psychiatry and Treatment, 4(1), 043–056. https://www.peertechzpublications.com/articles/APT-4-120.php

  • Mason, P. T., & Kreger, R. (2020). Stop walking on eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder (3rd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

  • Beeney, J. E., et al. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063-1077. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619830647

  • Carlson, E. M., et al. (2020). Social role dysfunction and coping in borderline personality disorder. Personality and mental health, 14(2), 227-239. https://doi.org/10.1002/pmh.1476

  • Ntshingila, N., et al. (2021). The Lived Experiences of Family Members of a Sibling with Borderline Personality Disorder in South Africa: A Qualitative Study. https://doi.org/10.21203/rs.3.rs-915733/v1

  • Boritz, T., et al. (2018). Alliance rupture and resolution in dialectical behavior therapy for borderline personality disorder. Journal of personality disorders, 32(Supplement), 115-128. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2018.32.supp.115

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We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

May 22, 2025
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Added BPD Workbook with four worksheets.
May 1, 2025
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Added “What Causes BPD Relationship Cycles?”, “Do All People With BPD Have Relationship Cycles?”, “Why Do BPD Relationships Feel so Intense?”, “Can Someone With BPD Have a Healthy Relationship?” New material written by Faith Watson Doppelt, LPC, LAC, and medically reviewed by Rajy Abulhosn, MD.
November 30, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “How Long Do BPD Cycles Last?”. New material written by Lydia Antonatos, LMHC, and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
October 14, 2021
Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Show more Click here to open the article update history container.

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