Empty nest syndrome describes the distressing responses that some parents experience when their last adult child leaves home permanently. Reactions might include sadness, depression, irritability, anger, resentment, anxiety, guilt, loneliness, and even some physical symptoms.1 If these symptoms persist for a prolonged period of time, a mental health professional can assist with recovery.
What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is a term that was popularized in the 1970s to describe the prolonged and significantly distressing identity crisis, loss, and/or emotional reactions that some parents experience when their last child moves out of the family home and becomes more independent.2 It is not something that a mental health professional would ever diagnose.
This transition, in which grown children launch out on their own, typically requires significant adjustments in how the family operates—not only on a daily practical level, but also in relationship dynamics among family members.3
It is important to note that the majority of parents do not experience the significant levels of prolonged distress that are associated with empty nest syndrome.3,4 Instead, it is more typical that parents experience a temporary feeling of loss when their last child leaves “the nest,” which is then followed by more positive outcomes, such as a greater sense of well-being, improvement in the marital relationships, improvements in the relationships between adult children and parents, and a sense of relief from the many pressures of parenting.2,3,4,5,6
Stages of Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty nest syndrome is a unique experience, but many may find it follows a set of stages. Someone may experience each stage only once in order, or they may find themselves revisiting each stage more than once.
Grief
Empty nest syndrome often begins with a sense of grief stemming from the loss. The loss of the child in the house, the loss of responsibilities, the loss of youth, and the loss of activity in the home can all create sadness and despair.
Relief
As powerful as the grief may be, as it resolves it gives way to relief. Relief in knowing that the bulk of your parenting is complete, and the pressures of parenting are shifting into a less intense phase.
Joy
After the rain of grief, there comes a rainbow of joy as people focus on the freedom and independence that comes with an empty nest. They are free to explore new activities and relationships with a sense of excitement and joy.
Empty Nest Syndrome Symptoms
While a feeling of temporary sadness and loss is within the realm of normal responses when your adult children permanently move out of the family home, if symptoms such as intense irritability or anger occur and continue beyond a few months, you might want to seek professional counseling support to identify and address the source(s) of the distress.
Symptoms that might be experienced as part of empty nest syndrome include:1
- Irritability or Anger: An observable increase in frustration and anger—becoming more easily irritated and annoyed by things that might not have bothered them in the past, which could lead to resentment and bitterness
- Sadness: Feeling down, hurting emotionally, and possibly crying more often
- Grief: Experiencing a deep sense of loss, and a yearning for things to return to the way they used to be—missing the child who has left and the daily experiences involved in having the family together
- Loss of Identity and/or Sense of Purpose: For those for whom being a parent was the major part of their identity, they might feel like they have lost their primary purpose and way in which they achieved a sense of purpose in life.
- Physical Symptoms: Some might notice an increase in physical stress symptoms such as headaches, back aches, stomach issues, sleep problems, etc.
Empty Nest Syndrome & Depression
Just like other feelings of grief and loss, empty nest syndrome is linked to depression. Although empty nest syndrome is common and expected, depression is not. If people find themselves experiencing new or worsening symptoms of depression following a child leaving the home, consulting with a mental health professional is a great idea. It could be empty nest syndrome that will fizzle out on its own, or it could be something more that needs professional care.
Severe Empty Nest Syndrome
Some people may find a point where their empty nest syndrome is too severe to manage. Their mood, worry, and stress feel unmanageable and it affects their sleep, energy, and motivation. At this point, empty nest syndrome may cross the line into becoming an official mental health condition, like depression, anxiety, or even adjustment disorder. Whatever the case, if symptoms are too severe for you to cope with on your own, seeking mental health support is crucial. No one should have to deal with severe empty nest syndrome alone.
Risk Factors for Empty Nest Syndrome
There are a number of factors that might increase the risk of experiencing empty nest syndrome. These include:2,7
- The absence of other roles outside the family that contribute to one’s identity (e.g., work, volunteerism, etc.)
- Dealing with other major losses at the same time (e.g., death of a parent, death of a spouse, job loss)
- Unmet parental expectations, which might be heavily influenced by cultural/religious factors, regarding:
- Appropriate reasons for, and timing of, when adult children should be moving out of the family home (i.e., marriage, education, employment)
- Duty—such that an adult child might be expected to continue to live with parent, even after marriage, to take care of their parents into their old age
- Lower income families—particularly those who relied on financial contributions from an adult child who moved out
How to Deal With Empty Nest Syndrome
Parents who are experiencing prolonged distress following their adult children permanently moving out of the family home might benefit from reaching out for support from others who have dealt with similar challenges, becoming more active and developing their own routines, and finding healthy ways to support their adult children.8
Here are six tips for dealing with empty nest syndrome:
1. Accept the Timing
It might be later or earlier than you had expected, and quite different from your own experience of leaving home, but it is what it is. Your adult child has made a decision that it is time to move out on their own and to become independent. You might feel strongly that they have made the wrong choice, and that is your right to have an opinion. However, if you do not come to accept their decision, it can lead to bitterness and resentment and poison the relationship you have with your child.
2. Seek Support from Other Parents
Many parents are dealing with or have dealt with similar challenges. Pay particular attention to those who seem to have weathered this change in a positive way. Their insights and strategies might be of help to you.
3. Be Supportive to Your Adult Child
It is okay to say to your child, “I’m worried that you are moving out too soon. It’s only because I care so much about you that I worry, however, I will do my best to be supportive of you.” Being supportive will mean different things to different families—and requires being respectful of the adult child’s independence and needs.
If one’s child wishes to do everything on their own, being supportive means being positive and withholding your fears and criticisms out of respect, and instead focusing on your child’s courage, strength, and resiliency. If one’s child requests help in a certain area (e.g. finding a place to live or instruction regarding how to set up services for their new home), then offering that help with a positive attitude is a way of being supportive.
4. Be Compassionate With Yourself
Acknowledge and respect the fact that you are experiencing this change as a loss, and are grieving. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Instead of asking “why” questions, try instead to ask, “What can I do to help myself to cope in a healthy way at this moment?”
5. Talk With Your Adult Child About How You Will Keep in Touch
Ask your child what they feel would be reasonable (e.g., how often and when) in terms of staying in touch with them through phone calls, texts, emails, visits, etc. Expecting your adult child to check in with you every day, or dropping by their new home unexpectedly, might be perceived as intrusive—and can lead to resentment and avoidance. Asking what works for them is more likely to be viewed as supportive and respectful.
6. Become More Active in Other Areas of Your Life
If your time and energy have been primarily invested in your children, you can begin to identify new areas of your life to focus on:
- Physical: Go for walks, join a gym, learn how to do yoga, re-engage in sports or other physical activities you enjoyed at earlier points in your life
- Spiritual: Spend time in meditation or prayer, join a like-minded faith community and become involved in projects and activities
- Creative: Learn to draw or paint, write, play an instrument, join a band, take a dance class
- Social: Take or teach a class, join a club or organization, reconnect with siblings, extended family, and old friends
- Community: Volunteer for organizations whose causes matter to you
How Long Does Empty Nest Syndrome Last?
Predicting the duration of empty nest syndrome is challenging, but since it overlaps greatly with other forms of loss, people may expect to feel the impact for up to two years. Of course, symptoms will change during this time, and some may see their symptoms resolve in a month or two. With all losses, it is valuable to be patient and not to put too much pressure on the situation to resolve sooner.
Therapy for Empty Nest Syndrome
If a parent is suffering from prolonged distress related to an adult child moving out of the family home, the services of a professional counselor, therapist, or psychologist might be helpful in identifying coping strategies and new sources of joy, purpose, and identity. Treatment can be in the form of individual therapy, couples therapy, or family counseling.
The appropriate format of treatment will depend on whether the spouse and/or adult child are willing to participate in counseling and what types of issues need to be addressed. If in doubt as to which format of counseling will best fit your needs, consult with the therapist in advance.
Individual Therapy
Individual therapy is appropriate for those experiencing empty nest syndrome who would like professional assistance with:
- Gaining a better understanding of the underlying reasons for their distress (e.g. conflicting values, unmet expectations, fears for themselves and/or their children)
- Identifying what is, and what is not, within their sphere of control
- Identifying healthy strategies to cope with their distress
- Reimagining their relationship(s) with their adult child(ren)
- Exploring new ways to imagine their future, and to identify potential sources of joy, purpose and identity in their lives
You can connect with a therapist using an online therapy service, like BetterHelp or Talkspace. You can also ask for a referral from a trusted doctor or friend or use a free online therapist directory to find a licensed therapist near you for in-person sessions.
Couples Therapy
If both parents are struggling with significant distress related to the departure of their child(ren) from the family home, couples therapy is an option. Couples therapy might be of assistance in the same areas as individual therapy (as indicated above) with the added benefit of allowing the couple to work together to better understand and support themselves, each other, and their relationship, as they deal with this important transition in family life. And finding a couples counselor is not as hard as you might think.
Family Counseling
When the empty nest transition is causing prolonged conflict between a parent (or parents) and the adult child, family counseling may be beneficial. In such cases, family counseling can provide a safe space to explore the expectations, needs, disappointments, and hopes of each family member.
A skilled therapist can offer support and be a catalyst to assist family members in finding respectful and adaptive ways to manage this transition while maintaining and enhancing relationships. For family counseling to be successful, each individual must be willing to participate in this process.
Examples of Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty nest syndrome can manifest in different ways depending on the family dynamic and personal situations. Here are two examples of what empty nest syndrome looks like, and action steps for moving forward.
Bella
Bella is a 47 year-old woman. She has spent the past 27 years, raising her three children, and volunteering with their schools and activities. Her first two children moved out of the family home to attend college out of state. Her last child, a daughter named Maria, whom she describes as having always been more challenging than her two sons, has decided to move out of the family home after finishing high school.
Maria had initially planned to go to college, but when she was offered full-time employment at the business where she had worked during the summer, she decided to take it and defer going to college for a few years. Maria is moving in with her best friend from high school.
Bella is worried that Maria is moving out too early and that she is jeopardizing her future by putting off going to college. She feels that Maria’s decision shows a lack of appreciation and respect for her parents. Bella and her husband believe that the only justifiable reasons for their daughter to move out of their home would be to go to school or to get married. They have had many angry conversations with their daughter, and their daughter is staying with a friend until her apartment becomes available. Bella asks the counselor what she needs to say to convince her daughter to move back home.
The counselor begins by listening and trying to understand Bella’s expectations and values, while empathizing with her sense of loss. The counselor reflects back the reality that Bella no longer has control over the decisions of her adult daughter, as well as her fears that her daughter is making poor choices that will jeopardize her future.
The counselor acknowledges Bella’s love for her daughter and desire that her daughter has a good life, while also highlighting that the difficult part of this situation is that she cannot control her daughter’s choices. They talk about how hard it is for her to watch someone she loves make choices that she fears will have negative consequences. They also explore the impact on Bella, and her relationship with her daughter, if she continues to argue with her daughter about this every time they talk.
The counselor offers the concept of radical acceptance (i.e., total acceptance of things as they are, without resistance) and together they discuss whether this might be a helpful approach for Bella to take with respect to her daughter. The counselor also suggests family counseling with Bella, her husband, and her daughter—if all are willing—to help them to work through this transition.
Thomas
Thomas is a 52 year-old man who has been a single father for the past 20 years, following the death of his wife. He said he loves his children dearly, and takes pride in his role as a father. He spoke about how after his wife died, he opened an on-line business that he could run from home to allow him to be available to his two children.
He was their hockey coach and their soccer coach throughout the years. He was also an active member of the Parents’ Association in their school. His boys, who are twins, both received scholarships to out of state schools. He is very proud of them.
Since Thomas’ sons left home two months ago, he noted he is finding it hard to function. He describes the silence in his home as “deafening.” He doesn’t know what to do during his evenings now since there are no more soccer or hockey practices or games. He said he feels like he has lost his sense of purpose and doesn’t know who he is anymore. He also noticed that he is really missing his wife. He wonders if he had largely avoided his grief over the loss of his wife, by throwing himself into being a father. He said he feels like he is now grieving the loss of both his wife and his family.
The therapist listens with compassion, and reflects back Thomas’ resilience, strength, and courage. They acknowledge the reality of his grief. They discuss ways that he can honor his grief, while at the same time beginning to forge a renewed sense of purpose and identity.
For Further Reading
If you or a loved one is struggling with empty nest syndrome, you may find these resources helpful:
Empty Nest Syndrome Infographics
