The No Contact Rule: What it Is & When to Use it

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is a tactic for ending a toxic relationship in which you cease any further engagement with the other person. This includes in-person, phone, text, email, social media, or third-party communication. It is usually used as a last resort when all other attempts to rectify the relationship have failed.

The no contact rule can be put into place when any negative relationship ends. Many people find this to be an effective approach for not only creating emotional distance but, in certain circumstances, creating physical distance for self-protection amid the various safety challenges that can arise at the end of relationships.

Here are some situations when individuals may wish to utilize the no contact rule:

• You have a parent with an untreated personality disorder
• You are breaking free from a toxic or abusive family or living situation
• You are leaving a spouse who is financially abusive, emotionally abusive, or physically abusive
• You are ending a toxic relationship or abusive friendship
• You are quitting a job that had a toxic work environment
• You are ending a relationship with a narcissist
• You have safety concerns following the end of a relationship
• You need to reassess the future of a relationship

Benefits of Going No Contact

According to attachment theory, there are three stages to ending a relationship: 1) protest and attempts to re-establish contact; 2) despair and sadness; and 3) eventually, detachment through reorganizing one’s priorities.¹ Using the no contact rule can greatly assist with pushing through the first two stages of this process and getting you to stage 3, where your detachment from negativity can begin.

Benefits of the no contact rule include:

It Gives You Time to Move Forward

Research has shown that remaining in contact can interfere with one’s ability to move on, leaving them feeling stagnant.² Therefore, separating from an individual who has chronically hurt you will shift the power back into your hands so you can move forward. Their lack of influence over this is important as you decide what is truly best for you.

You Will Have the Space to Grieve

Saying goodbye to a relationship can create breakup grief, similar to the grief and loss a person may feel when mourning a death. Remaining close to a person has been shown to prolong emotional distress and get in the way of healing.³ You will need to make time and space to process not only the loss of attachment and of what has been but also to grieve the image of what could have been.

You Can Assess Your Relationship(s)

Giving yourself distance from the relationship will allow you to assess the issues within it that led to its collapse. Consequently, you can identify ways of improving relationship skills in hopes of creating more successful future relationships. Removing the toxic person as being a desirable option also opens your mind to recognizing healthier alternatives in your life and could lead you back to those whom you may have previously withdrawn from, whether purposely or because the toxic person insisted on it.

It Gives You Time to Identify Boundaries

When you begin to realize what went wrong, you can begin to (re)discover healthy relationship boundaries. You can then practice confidently telling others about your boundaries and experience what it is like for people you love to respect them. If you were to remain in contact while trying to do this, the toxic person would only seek to minimize the boundaries you established, causing confusion and self-doubt.

You Can Begin to Break the Pattern

The no contact rule can help people who find themselves trapped in a repeated cycle of breaking up and making up. You can take a step away from the unhealthy patterns routinely occurring within the relationship and evaluate their function in your life.

It Gets the Monkey Off Your Back

When individuals remove toxic people from their lives, they find a sense of relief.⁴ The stress and anxiety of trying to maintain a toxic relationship is exhausting, and studies have actually found that those in poor-quality relationships have an increased risk of developing a mental health condition, such as depression.⁵ When you decide to cut off contact once and for all, you release the control that person has had over you and your life.

You Can Reconnect With Yourself

 Many people find themselves holding off on completing meaningful tasks or working toward important goals when they are bogged down by a toxic relationship. When a person removes themselves from a toxic relationship, they open themselves up to post-traumatic growth. Research has found that individuals who end a low-quality relationship often experience self-expansion and rediscovery.⁴

It Helps Keep You Safe

If the person you have gone no contact with has been violent or abusive, eliminating their ability to reach you may be the safest option. If necessary, you can even go a step further and look into legal options for prohibiting the person from contacting you.

Disadvantages of Going No Contact

Going no contact can be incredibly tough. You will likely miss the person, feel lonely, and struggle with all the changes going no contact requires. Additionally, you should be prepared for the possible consequences of cutting off contact with a person.

Disadvantages of the no contact rule include:

Possible Lack of Closure

Some may find that ending contact with the person who has caused them hurt is too finite if they are still hoping said person will provide them with closure. While certain individuals may find the closure they need through a personal exploration journey, others rely on continued contact with the expectation of eventually learning the information they think they need to move on.

You Will Need to Change Up Routines

Depending on your situation, you may need to adjust your lifestyle to ensure your no contact plans are successful. This might mean no longer visiting a favorite hangout spot, putting some distance between your mutual friend group or family members, or even just recognizing that life as you have known it will no longer look the same. It may be customary to dial the person’s number after a long day or to order a second cup of coffee on your way to work, but you will need to adjust your habits to fit this new way of operating.

Additional Losses May Follow

Unfortunately, you may lose other things and people in the process of going no contact. Be prepared for people to pick sides and/or believe fabricated versions of the story. For example, the person with whom you have gone no contact with could encourage mutual contacts to exclude you from future events, information sharing, opportunities, etc.

There Can Be Pressure & Criticism From Others

Some people in your life may not fully understand your reasoning for choosing to go no contact, but remember that that is okay- they don’t need to understand. These naysayers could try to vilify you or minimize your experiences and persuade you to reconsider your decision since they can’t appreciate things from your perspective.

It’s Hard

The no contact rule is undoubtedly a difficult thing to do. You will face many inner and outer conflicts throughout this process. This is why going no contact is often the last recommended option for ending a toxic relationship.

The Science Behind Going No Contact

A person can become attached to a toxic individual through a process called trauma bonding, where the relationship is centered around intermittent abuse in combination with intermittent love-bombing and affection. This confusing dynamic keeps a person attached to the toxic person in a kind of psychological push-pull effect.⁶

This is why attempting to sever a trauma-bonded relationship can feel equivalent to breaking an addiction. The person who is bonded experiences a chemical draw to the other, much like an addict to their drug, and deeply craves the rush of dopamine and oxytocin they get from the abuse. Going cold turkey for the addict stops the chemical rush, and going no contact will have the same effect for the person seeking freedom from trauma bonding.⁷

How to Use the No Contact Rule

Once you decide to implement the no contact rule, it is crucial that you follow it as closely as possible to achieve the desired effect. If you happen to slip up and make contact, recognize that you are human and mistakes will happen, especially when working through something as powerful as breaking attachments. Refocus yourself on the goal and resume your no contact rule.

Here are seven rules to follow when going no contact:

1. Let The Person Know

It is best to inform the person you are going no contact with through a short and direct text or email so they do not have the opportunity to argue or persuade you out of your decision. You can say something like:

“I have decided that it is best for me if we no longer remain in contact. I will not be responding to any further correspondence from you, and I would appreciate it if you respect my decision.”

You do not need to provide an explanation or justify your reasoning behind the decision. If the relationship has gotten to the point of choosing to go no contact, the person likely already knows what the issues are and has made the decision time and time again not to remedy their side of things to prevent this from happening.

2. No Meeting Up With, Calling, or Texting

No contact is an all-or-nothing approach that must include all forms of communication. There cannot be any exchanges in any form, with no exceptions. When a person is rejected, which the no contact rule can be interpreted as by some, they are bound to experience a range of emotional and behavioral responses. Remaining in any kind of contact with this person only serves to further entangle yourself, along with confusing them about your intentions for the relationship.

Researchers studying rejection have found that those who are rejected become preoccupied with thoughts about the rejecter and obsessively crave an emotional connection with them after they end the relationship.⁷ Ending all forms of communication will keep you safe from any unpredictable, potentially dangerous behavior by the person.

3. No Indirect Contact

No contact must extend to all areas where you could be presented with information about the individual. This means removing them from your social media accounts, not asking about them amongst shared contacts, and if they are brought up in conversation, either walking away or politely asking to change the topic to something else. Try not to ask about them from others, and do not seek out information on them via social media or internet searches. This will prevent you from healing because it will put you back into the cycle of caring more about them than they likely had about you.

4. Do Not Respond

It is important to not respond to any text, direct message, email, phone call, attempted drop-by visit, etc., you may receive from the person. Recognize that their attempts to reach out are selfish and emotionally manipulative. In reaching out, they have once again proven a disregard for your wishes and have not made any adjustments to the behaviors that landed them in the no contact zone to begin with.

5. Give Yourself Grace

If you have a misstep, take a few deep breaths and recognize that this process is difficult. Next, know that contacting the person is not an automatic game over to your plans, nor should it be viewed as a failure. Give yourself some grace and extend forgiveness before refocusing on your goals of being no contact to achieve personal healing.

You can always start again and affirm your boundaries, along with making adjustments for how to resist the urge to contact next time. Explore what triggered you to reach out and why you were feeling particularly vulnerable in that moment and a safety plan to better cope in the future.

6. Protect Yourself

Along with suggestions to remove the person you’ve gone no contact with from your social media accounts, it is wise to do a thorough checkup of your privacy settings and consider switching all accounts over to private if they aren’t already. You might also wish to perform a scan on your devices to ensure they aren’t compromised with tracking malware and assess whether changing passwords, creating completely brand new accounts, or even changing your phone number is a necessary step in your situation. Just as you want to remove your contact with them, you want to ensure that they cannot remain in contact with you.

Additionally, if you were in a shared living or working situation, remember to evaluate whether the person will still have access to you in these spaces and recognize if/how you now might need to take extra precautions. For example, relocating to another unit in your apartment building or asking for a new job assignment.

7. Timing Considerations

There’s some debate regarding whether or not one should determine a time frame for their no contact plans. Many suggest beginning with an initial 30 to 60 days and then assessing from there the effectiveness of the approach and whether they wish to transition toward reestablishing contact moving forward. Every relationship will be different in that some may have the option of resuming contact in the future, while others may outright know that there will never be a safe way to be in contact again. You can decide what is best for your individual situation, and that decision can be very fluid as your healing progresses and your outlooks change.

Signs You May Want to Consider Going No Contact

You may be wondering at what point in a relationship you should consider going no contact. While this may look different for everyone, if a person in your life has consistently exhibited any or all of the following behaviors, it may be time to assess whether it is in your best interest to remain in contact with them.

Here are some warning signs that going no contact may be warranted:

• The person repeatedly ignores and disrespects your boundaries
• The person uses manipulation tactics to be in control
• The person is dishonest and selfish
• The person has broken your trust
• The person takes advantage of you or exploits you
• The person does not support or encourage you but rather puts you down and ridicules your choices
• The person tries to sabotage good things in your life
• The person makes you feel bad about yourself
• The person tries to change you and does not accept you for who you are
• The person tries to force their values and/or beliefs on you
• The person refuses to take accountability for their actions and routinely plays the victim role and/or uses gaslighting behaviors
• The person puts you in harm’s way or pressures you into harmful things
• The person is emotionally, financially, sexually, or physically abusive

Is Going No Contact Always Appropriate?

Choosing to cut off contact with someone should not be taken lightly. It is often the last resort after all other efforts to set boundaries have been tried, and they continue to manipulate and/or violate you. Additionally, it is not an approach to win a person back; you should do this for yourself, not to convince someone to miss you.

Additionally, going no contact may not always be possible or appropriate for every situation. For instance, as tempting as it may be to go no contact when co-parenting with a toxic ex, if you share minor children with the person, going no contact would be quite difficult. Other situations where going no contact may not be successful are with individuals who have shared social networks or those who have joint business investments.²

What to Expect When Going No Contact

When toxic people feel their control slipping, they will lash out and grasp for whatever bit of power they can have over the situation. It is important to be prepared for what you can anticipate when adopting the no contact rule so you can confidently identify and then cope with challenges when they arise.

Here are some things to expect when going no contact:

You May Miss the Person

The end of any relationship is tough, no matter how negative it was. We can get caught up in the emotions of missing someone and find ourselves reflecting upon the good times, easily omitting the bad times. Remember that it is okay to miss the person and to miss the good times, but you must not allow yourself to lose sight of the reason for ending the relationship.

You May Be Tempted to Reach Out

When you miss the person you have gone no contact with, you will likely want to reach out to the person. You may have had a heavy reliance on the person when it comes to big things like finances, decision-making, parenting, and more. Breaking the habit of consulting with them on things will prove challenging. Keep the purpose of going no contact in focus and resist the urge to reconnect at all costs.

You May Doubt Your Decision

There will be times when you second guess your decision to end contact with the person and begin reevaluating if the things they said and did were really “that bad after all.” You will probably hear their voice in your head and/or your own inner critic minimizing your experiences and emotions, trying to convince you that this is a vast overreaction and you are just being silly. Do not listen to that self-doubt. Rather, clarify your reasons and affirm your need to end contact for emotional and physical well-being.

You Might Feel Bad or Guilty

If you have struggled to prioritize yourself in relationships, going no contact could bring up guilt and shame for opting to cut off contact. You may continue to worry about how the other person is doing and have trouble letting go of the power they’ve held over your life.

This may be made worse by mutual contacts who inform you how hard it’s been on the person you cut contact with and question your loyalties. They may try to pull out lines like, “She’s still your mother” or “You’re breaking Grandpa’s heart.” Remember, you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions and must learn to rise above the noise.

They May Try To Contact You

Whether directly or indirectly, it is likely that the person will seek to contact you in some fashion despite your wishes that they leave you be. The type of contact can range from loving and apologetic to hostile and threatening. This may look like sending romantic text messages, dropping a gift on your porch, telling other people in your life to ask for forgiveness on their behalf, guilt-tripping, or showing up at your job unannounced.

All the “Firsts” Will Be Hard

There are some dates, such as anniversaries and holidays, which can be particularly trying under the no contact rule. You will face extra opposition from mutual contacts during various times of the year or during certain events that might have typically been done as a couple or group. You might feel extra pressure to break the no contact during these moments if emotions are heightened, and you find yourself missing the person and how things used to be.

How to Cope When Going No Contact

Going no contact is incredibly difficult. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, ask your loved ones and/or therapist, and focus on self-care. Ending a relationship means ending your emotional connection with the person, and it’s important to deal with the loss in a healthy way to heal properly.

Here are some ways to help yourself cope when cutting off contact:

Let Your Support System Know

Tell your supportive friends or family members about your decision and ask that they respect and support this decision. These people can assist you through the difficult emotional journey of going no contact, along with distracting your mind from urges to reach out by scheduling extra activities and time spent together.

Reiterate Your Reasons When in Doubt

When you start to doubt your decision or feel nostalgic for the good times, remind yourself early and often why you have ultimately made the decision to go no contact. During moments when you feel angry, take advantage of the anger and write down all of your reasons for going no contact in your phone.⁶ That way, when you are feeling doubt, you can easily access a list of reminders of why you are doing this.

Keep a Journal

For every moment you start to miss the person, feel the urge to reach out to them, or have doubts about your decision, pull out your pen and write it down instead. You can write letters to a younger version of yourself, who is being hurt by this person and let them know you have taken the steps to protect them. Alternatively, you can write a list of emotions (both positive and negative) the person makes you feel. Or you could journal about your grief in letting this person go.

Discover or Pick Up a Hobby

Now is the perfect opportunity to spend some time doing the things you love. Jump back into any activities you have neglected or try out something new that you have always thought about giving a go. New hobbies are a great way to distract yourself and will also fill up the time that you used to spend with the person.

Minimize Time on Technology

Limiting the amount of time you spend on your devices can prevent you from triggering yourself to reach out. If you can avoid seeing the sappy social media posts of other couples or the smiling family photo taken at a gathering to which you were not invited, you can also avoid the upsetting thoughts and feelings that follow.

Remove Reminders

Try your best to avoid or remove from your space anything that may bring up strong feelings for the person. This may include pictures, gifts, mementos, shared music, movies, TV shows, places where you would frequent together, or anything that may trigger memories. You may even consider repainting a previously shared office, rearranging a once-shared bathroom, or buying new sheets for the bed set.

Document Any Stalking or Harassment

If the person is not following your wishes and continues to contact you, be sure to document everything for safety and legal purposes. While you may not end up needing to take legal action, having a detailed record of all unconsented attempts at contact, just in case, will help immensely should you need to seek a protective order.

Talk With a Trained Professional

If the person you have gone no contact with was someone whom you built a life with or was someone who failed to protect you from or perpetrated abuse upon you, you have likely developed trauma. This trauma requires more intensive healing work.

When looking for a therapist, it is important to find someone who can provide you with trauma-informed care. Going no contact can make it difficult to be vulnerable with someone new, so give yourself time to develop trust with the therapist.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you are experiencing emotional distress and need extra support with resisting the urge to reach out, a psychotherapist can assist you with discovering coping skills while looking at the underlying triggers pushing you to reconnect. Additionally, individuals who have suffered from long-standing, never resolved relationship issues can develop abandonment issues and/or codependency. It is recommended that you process this with a trained professional who can work with you in figuring out the root cause of concern.

One way to find a therapist in your area is using an online therapist directory, which provides a list of licensed therapists, along with their specialization and how to reach them.

Another option is using online therapy platforms, which allow you to access therapy from the comfort of your home. You can browse through therapist profiles, read reviews, and choose a therapist who specializes in the type of trauma therapy that you want to explore.

In My Experience

“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt, but eventually, you will heal.” ― Autumn Kohler

I view the no contact rule a lot like this quote and recognize that while it may be incredibly hard to walk away from an unhealthy person, it is necessary to healing. Healing can only begin when you have put distance between yourself and the person causing you heartache and pain. When you set boundaries on the way you expect and deserve to be treated, you are proclaiming for all that you are worthy. I advise all my clients to utilize the no contact rule when breaking free from toxic and abusive relationships and would encourage you to do the same.