Breaking Up With a Narcissist: 5 Tips & What to Expect

How Narcissists Act in Relationships

Narcissists in relationships are developmentally stunted and cannot fully reciprocate emotional and sexual affection.¹ Narcissists struggle to see partners’ viewpoints, consider their needs, and make compromises. Narcissists also possess strong feelings like jealousy, shame, or narcissistic rage.²

It is not uncommon for narcissists to criticize partners if they do not meet expectations or accuse them of not being loving, supporting, or appreciating enough. Narcissist relationship patterns are also exhausting due to their constant need for attention, also known as narcissistic supply.

When to Leave a Narcissistic Partner

Narcissistic partners tend to engage in narcissistic abuse, using abusive tactics to hide their unfavorable traits and manipulate their partners. Sometimes, this can cause partners to develop narcissistic abuse syndrome. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or sexual coercion should never be tolerated and are always grounds for leaving a relationship.

Below are reasons to break up with a narcissist:

• You are being physically abused
• You are being sexually abused or coerced
• Your partner is constantly monitoring you
• You are being emotionally manipulated
• You are experiencing narcissistic gaslighting
• You are being humiliated, intimidated, or dismissed
• You are experiencing persistent anxiety or depression because of your relationship
• Your partner is excessively jealous
• You are withdrawn from friends and family
• You are beginning to use substances to cope
• You have thoughts of self-harm

5 Tips for Breaking Up With a Narcissist

Breaking up with a narcissist can be harder or easier depending on their state when you announce the breakup. If they are in a depleted place or struggling to maintain their façade of perfection, you will likely meet either overt or passive-aggressive rage. On the other hand, they may suddenly become effusive and “love bomb” you to win you back. It can also be more difficult to figure out how to break up with someone you live with. It’s best to be prepared for all possibilities.

Here are five tips for breaking up with a narcissist:

1. Make A List of Reasons You’re Leaving the Relationship

Provide yourself with examples from the past. People with personality disorders have dysfunctional means of coping with the world and, as such, can easily distort reality.² Over time, their behavior can cause you to question your reality. You may feel ready to leave, but consider staying because of their guilting or pleading.

Writing down the reasons for leaving the relationship and giving yourself examples can re-ground you in your reality during the separation process. Showing this list to the narcissist is not likely to help, so keep it as a resource for yourself, not “evidence” to convince them of their wrongdoing.

2. Have A Plan

Consider what you will do after announcing the breakup and how the narcissist will respond. For example, determine whether you plan to stay or ask them to leave if you live with the narcissist. Have you lined up anywhere to go? Developing a plan will help during the potential counter-attack phase when you may be acting quickly and unable to think as clearly.

3. Surround Yourself With Supportive People

Often, narcissists have a way of alienating you from your support network. They demand intense loyalty or commitment, and you may have divested from friends or family throughout the relationship. Reconnect with people who truly have your back and let them know you need support to exit this toxic relationship. You may even ask them to check in on you daily for the first few weeks as you transition.

4. Purge Any Reminders of the Relationship

A narcissist may create the impression that you are special to them by taking you on elaborate trips, giving you gifts, or constructing a “magnificent” life with you. This can make it hard to remember the pain of the dark times as you move through the breakup. Remove photos from your home and your phone, and stash or get rid of gifts that remind you of your partner. You can put these in a box if you want to save them, but be mindful not to slip into thinking that things “weren’t as bad” as you felt before the breakup.

5. Get Support From A Therapist

A therapist can help you identify issues in a way that feels supportive and helps to avoid denial. When living with a narcissist, you may have “doubled down” on denial to avoid the pain of being criticized, ignored, exploited, or otherwise mistreated. Speaking with a trusted mental health professional to receive therapy after a breakup can guide you as you rebuild reality. Your therapist can also help you explore how your past may have made you vulnerable to falling for a narcissist so you can better avoid this in future relationships. Finding the right therapist can take time but is worth the effort.

What to Expect When You Break Up With a Narcissist

Reactions to a breakup can vary depending on the type of narcissist and their state when you break up with them. Remember, in either situation, you are not in a relationship with a fully developed person with an authentic self, and they will react using defense mechanisms to keep them from feeling intense emotional pain and shame.³

An Easier Breakup

An easier breakup may happen if you are in a relationship with a grandiose narcissist who was never really invested in you. They will happily let go of you and move on to the next shiny object. However, they will want to ensure the “breakup story” makes them look like they initiated the separation. Taking this easy out may be a good idea if they offer it.

A Harder Breakup

Narcissists will typically go on the attack if they cannot find a way to save face after receiving an injury because narcissism is rooted in tremendous insecurity.^4,5 Narcissists often lean toward dramatic emotions.⁶ As such, they may end up discharging all of their rage onto you if they feel offended—this can be even more upsetting for empaths with narcissists. If that happens, the best thing you can do is not engage them and keep strong boundaries.

A covert narcissist will likely be furious at feeling undervalued, act helpless, and claim they “gave you everything.” They will paint you as a mean, abandoning, cruel, and selfish person who has not appreciated everything they’ve done in the relationship. They may self-harm, threaten suicide, quit a job, or do other things to undermine themselves when feeling abandoned.⁶

Final Thoughts

Narcissistic partners tend to be incapable of taking responsibility for doing anything wrong. Take stock of what you can learn from the situation while ending a relationship you have given precious months or years. Unfortunately, many mental health professionals believe narcissistic personality disorders are increasing. However, learning to identify a narcissist from this experience can help you avoid future relationships with this type of person.⁷ Once you have healed from this breakup, you will be situated to find a healthier partner and enjoy a more mutual, supportive relationship.